Oops! Shortened date with guy I'm interested in to go home and watch TV

[Vulcan T'Para]

Longtime lurker, first time poster.

 

 

Last week I went to a museum with a guy that I've known for six months on what may have been a date. This was the second time we'd hung out; previously he asked me to meet him for coffee and it went well.

 

 

While visiting the museum with the gentleman in question, he wasn't proceeding through the exhibits expeditiously and would tarry on the couches that were spread throughout the museum. I wasn't sure what I supposed to do, so the first few times he stopped I sat down next to him at a polite and comfortable distance (about 18 inches of personal space between us) and conversed for a few minutes before gently suggesting that we hasten our pace. I was unable to discern whether he was stopping because he was hot and tired (I was!) or because he wanted to sit in close proximity and talk.

 

 

Anyway, after about three hours of this, I said something to the effect of “not to hurry us along or anything, but I need to be home by five to watch [name of sporting event].” FWIW, I'm a huge sports fan and make a point to be parked in front of my TV when a game/event that I want to watch is on. I didn't invite him over – I never invite anyone over; I haven't had a house guest in 10+ years – because my home is my “fortress of solitude” where I go to escape the outside world.

 

 

Did I blow it? I genuinely enjoy spending time with him and we have great, intellectual conversations about everything from astronomy to zoology. We do have plans to meet again, but at an undetermined point in the future. He said that he's looking forward to hanging out again, but the tone of his emails seems to have changed. (I'm more comfortable with asynchronous, written communication and don't do phone conversations / texting / IMing; all of our correspondence is by email.) Have I done irreparable damage here?

 

 

If it matters, he's in his mid-twenties and I'm in my mid-thirties. I'm female and definitely heterosexual, but have never been in a relationship or even so much as held hands with a guy. I've been on fewer than five dates in my entire life and am completely oblivious to dating protocol. I'm not mean, or crazy, or unattractive, or anything like that. I'm just extremely reserved and highly introverted by nature, always preferring the company of books to the company of people.

[Keenly]

Longtime lurker, first time poster.

 

 

Last week I went to a museum with a guy that I've known for six months on what may have been a date. This was the second time we'd hung out; previously he asked me to meet him for coffee and it went well.

 

 

While visiting the museum with the gentleman in question, he wasn't proceeding through the exhibits expeditiously and would tarry on the couches that were spread throughout the museum. I wasn't sure what I supposed to do, so the first few times he stopped I sat down next to him at a polite and comfortable distance (about 18 inches of personal space between us) and conversed for a few minutes before gently suggesting that we hasten our pace. I was unable to discern whether he was stopping because he was hot and tired (I was!) or because he wanted to sit in close proximity and talk.

 

 

Anyway, after about three hours of this, I said something to the effect of “not to hurry us along or anything, but I need to be home by five to watch [name of sporting event].” FWIW, I'm a huge sports fan and make a point to be parked in front of my TV when a game/event that I want to watch is on. I didn't invite him over – I never invite anyone over; I haven't had a house guest in 10+ years – because my home is my “fortress of solitude” where I go to escape the outside world.

 

Did I blow it? I genuinely enjoy spending time with him and we have great, intellectual conversations about everything from astronomy to zoology. We do have plans to meet again, but at an undetermined point in the future. He said that he's looking forward to hanging out again, but the tone of his emails seems to have changed. (I'm more comfortable with asynchronous, written communication and don't do phone conversations / texting / IMing; all of our correspondence is by email.) Have I done irreparable damage here?

 

 

If it matters, he's in his mid-twenties and I'm in my mid-thirties. I'm female and definitely heterosexual, but have never been in a relationship or even so much as held hands with a guy. I've been on fewer than five dates in my entire life and am completely oblivious to dating protocol. I'm not mean, or crazy, or unattractive, or anything like that. I'm just extremely reserved and highly introverted by nature, always preferring the company of books to the company of people.

 

 

First of all, where do you live and when can we get married?

 

 

 

 

But seriously, I think he may have been a little surprised by your die-hard sports fandom, but if this guy has any interest in you at all, that would not have scared him away. Send him a coy text message that was like "Hey I didn't mean to rush you or anything last time as I was enjoying our time together. The clock was against us that night, but I'll definitely make it up to you when we go to (suggest date and night here).

[Eddie Edirol]

By the way he acted, it sounds like he wasnt really interested anyway. I can only imagine that if you really are THAT reserved and never even held hands with a guy, he can sense your frigidity, but took it as a hint that you werent that interested in him. Did you flirt at all, or did you keep your distance to avoid giving him any hint that you liked him? Just going out with him isnt enough. If his email tone has changed, then he has given up on you and moved on. And if you dont plan on turning up your flirt game, you might want to buy alot more books, you will need them.

[Vulcan T'Para]

 

Send him a coy text message that was like "Hey I didn't mean to rush you or anything last time as I was enjoying our time together. The clock was against us that night, but I'll definitely make it up to you when we go to (suggest date and night here).

 

Thank you for the advice. I'll contact him sometime this week. In retrospect, I should have warned ahead of time that I only had a finite amount of time to spend at the museum that day...

[fortyninethousand322]

Yeah I would make it clear to him that you're still interested. If a girl did that to me I'd assume she didn't like me.

[Vulcan T'Para]

Did you flirt at all, or did you keep your distance to avoid giving him any hint that you liked him? Just going out with him isnt enough.

 

Unfortunately, I'm not really the flirtatious type. I've read books/articles about how women are supposed to flirt, but it's just not me and would come off as calculated and unnatural if I tried it. I do actively engage in conversation with him and ensure that I smile pleasantly, but I'm not the touchy-feely type so the requisite "light touches on the forearm" kinda thing would be contrived and wooden...

[coffeebean201]

The dawdling would have really annoyed me as well.

 

3 hours is a long first date in my opinion.

 

But he has to have fun with you and you with him, or it won't work.

[GB25]

You're in you're mid thirties and have never held hands with a guy before??

 

Not judging , but did i read that right?

 

You also don't talk on the phone or text? the only way to reach you is email? And you have not had a guest in you're home for over 10 years?

 

Ummmm

Edited May 14, 2013 by GB25

[gaius]

You're in you're mid thirties and have never held hands with a guy before??

 

Not judging , but did i read that right?

It's actually more common than you think.

 

Do you have a DVR or Tivo T'para? I get being annoyed by missing a favorite show, but I think when you're dating you have to be willing to make a sacrifice or two to show the other person they're important to you and are somewhat of a priority in your life. If someone I was dating said they had to cut it short to watch football on the first date I'd probably be a little insulted. Think they're not that into me. Being passed over for TV is not supposed to happen till after you've been dating a while.

[Tinie]

You're in you're mid thirties and have never held hands with a guy before??

 

Not judging , but did i read that right?

 

You also don't talk on the phone or text? the only way to reach you is email? And you have not had a guest in you're home for over 10 years?

 

Ummmm

 

Umm so? Some people are more reserved than others. It's not that weird.

[ChessPieceFace]

If the tone of his emails have changed (I assume for the worse) then that could indeed mean he's lost some interest. Might also think you aren't interested.

 

Email is convenient and it's nice that you can edit it all you want before sending, but it's impersonal. I don't like talking on the phone either, but if a girl had all of the standoffish behaviors you mentioned (no phone no guests no touching) I'd be kind of taken aback. A museum is pretty stuffy and impersonal too.

 

I'm also an introvert who must have alone time... who would rather watch videos / read about advanced scientific ideas than be around people most of the time... and even I would say it's time to break out of the shell a bit. Standing quietly in a museum staring at the works or histories of dead people isn't helping.

 

Schedule a fun date where you can let your hair down, where you can actually connect a little bit. Intellectualism is fine but there's more to life than that. How about a city tour, or mini golf, or the zoo... I don't know, but something more engaging.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's not that uncommon. I work with a 40 year old woman that has confided in me that she has never kissed a guy. She is a hard core introvert, doesn't dress up, doesn't wear make up and doesn't flirt. Guys pass her over all the time and just don't notice her. It's funny how guys on LS think that all women have it easy

 

Truth to be told, most often when I am out with people or guys I find it a chore and look forward to getting home to my cat. Most people just plain annoy me. If I didn't push myself to go out and didn't dress sexy, I can easily imagine having the same fate.

 

It kind of annoys me how much this society is focused on extroverts. Introverts are made to feel ashamed of themselves or like there is something wrong with them, just because they don't have tons of friends and prefer company of books to people. In many cases introverts have a lot more depth and they are all around more interesting people.

Edited May 14, 2013 by Eternal Sunshine

[phineas]

OP, I assume those couches are there so people can sit down & enjoy the artwork.

Some people look at that stuff like you would look at sports.

 

Personally, every time I meet someone off a dating site or FB & they don't want to give me their number I assume it's because they are with someone & don't want to get caught. (I have no faith in people anymore. LOL!)

 

but those are my issues.

 

If I were the guy I'd assume you weren't into me.

You need to send him an email and let him know you'd like to see him again.

Suggest something that you like to do.

 

You two may just have too many different interests.

 

And if flirting isn't your thing then just tell him you like him & want to get to know him better.

[Ed the 3rd]

I personally would be a little pissed if someone did that to me but 3 hours is a decent date. Just send him a text saying you didn't mean to cut anything short and you should have warned him about the game pre-hand.

[pcplod]

There is no kind way of putting this but I think you have psychological traits that make you unsuitable and incapable of dating, at least in the conventional sense that most people would be familiar with. I could go into a lot of detail but I don't think it would matter as you would not want to change or see why it would be appropriate to change.

 

You actually sound like a nerd, in what I would regard is the genuine sense of the word and I don't intend to be abusive in saying that.The length of the 'date' has nothing to do with it, rather the way that you have approached it, but more profoundly due to the fact that you are asking the question you are at all.

 

Mind you, from the hint that you have given about him, it sounds as if you have may met your equal and the irony is that he may not have been put off by your behaviour, although the tone of his emails maybe suggest otherwise.

 

It sounds to me that you are both pretty inept, socially-speaking, and that is a difficult issue to deal with assuming, that is that you even feel it is something that needs to be dealt with and that you want to deal with it.

 

Do you think you are any good at interpreting body language ie other people's behaviour? I suspect not. And that is a major handicap. And if you can't flirt, just a wee bit, you might as well be carrying a millstone around with you.

 

The bottom line is I would have interpreted your attitude as being "Not really interested" and would have rung you up within 24-48 hours giving you some barely more than lame excuse that I thought it just would work out. Ruthless? Maybe, but if you think you are in a hole you would rather not be in, it really is best to stop digging ASAP.

[HuffmanMontana]

Longtime lurker, first time poster.

 

 

Last week I went to a museum with a guy that I've known for six months on what may have been a date. This was the second time we'd hung out; previously he asked me to meet him for coffee and it went well.

 

 

While visiting the museum with the gentleman in question, he wasn't proceeding through the exhibits expeditiously and would tarry on the couches that were spread throughout the museum. I wasn't sure what I supposed to do, so the first few times he stopped I sat down next to him at a polite and comfortable distance (about 18 inches of personal space between us) and conversed for a few minutes before gently suggesting that we hasten our pace. I was unable to discern whether he was stopping because he was hot and tired (I was!) or because he wanted to sit in close proximity and talk.

 

 

Anyway, after about three hours of this, I said something to the effect of “not to hurry us along or anything, but I need to be home by five to watch [name of sporting event].” FWIW, I'm a huge sports fan and make a point to be parked in front of my TV when a game/event that I want to watch is on. I didn't invite him over – I never invite anyone over; I haven't had a house guest in 10+ years – because my home is my “fortress of solitude” where I go to escape the outside world.

 

 

Did I blow it? I genuinely enjoy spending time with him and we have great, intellectual conversations about everything from astronomy to zoology. We do have plans to meet again, but at an undetermined point in the future. He said that he's looking forward to hanging out again, but the tone of his emails seems to have changed. (I'm more comfortable with asynchronous, written communication and don't do phone conversations / texting / IMing; all of our correspondence is by email.) Have I done irreparable damage here?

 

 

If it matters, he's in his mid-twenties and I'm in my mid-thirties. I'm female and definitely heterosexual, but have never been in a relationship or even so much as held hands with a guy. I've been on fewer than five dates in my entire life and am completely oblivious to dating protocol. I'm not mean, or crazy, or unattractive, or anything like that. I'm just extremely reserved and highly introverted by nature, always preferring the company of books to the company of people.

 

This is a situation where keeping details to yourself is important. I have some female friends who are die hard sports fans but that's not the norm.

 

If I said to a date what you did I would expect her to be offended.

[GB25]

Umm so? Some people are more reserved than others. It's not that weird.

 

riiiight...

[HuffmanMontana]

It's not that uncommon. I work with a 40 year old woman that has confided in me that she has never kissed a guy.

 

This is common? No, no it isn't.

[fortyninethousand322]

This is common? No, no it isn't.

 

Yeah it's uncommon. Very uncommon.

 

Less than 10% of men and women are virgins after age 25. I'm pretty sure that means the other 90% have at least held hands and kissed...

[LilySun]

You will have to step a bit out of your comfort zone learn new kinds of behavior if your interested in this man. I don't mean pretend to be something your not, but both physically and mentally you will need to make some effort. Maybe suggest going for a walk, and try walking side by side, close. If its comfortable, the next step could be holding his hand...baby steps.

 

You are very set in your ways. Most of us are, however we have to change our ways a little here and there otherwise dating wouldn't be possible for anyone.

 

And maybe after 2-3 dates, invite him to come watch the sports you like with you. Prepare some easy snacks. He might enjoy it as much as you do.

[StanMusial]

Yeah it's uncommon. Very uncommon.

 

Less than 10% of men and women are virgins after age 25. I'm pretty sure that means the other 90% have at least held hands and kissed...

 

Maybe their ex didn't like foreplay or sweaty palms, he would just swing by and hang one up in it from time to time.

 

OP you sound strange and weird and fickle and set in your ways. Personally I can handle a bit of weird but fickle is a no go. You need to relax and go with the flow some. Don't be like Rain Man blurting out "Wapner, Judge Wapner" repeatedly when 4PM rolls around.

[Vulcan T'Para]

Thank you all for the replies and input.

 

You're in you're mid thirties and have never held hands with a guy before??

 

Yes, that's right. I guess I'm a late bloomer that just hasn't bloomed yet...

 

 

Do you have a DVR or Tivo T'para? I get being annoyed by missing a favorite show, but I think when you're dating you have to be willing to make a sacrifice or two to show the other person they're important to you and are somewhat of a priority in your life. If someone I was dating said they had to cut it short to watch football on the first date I'd probably be a little insulted. Think they're not that into me. Being passed over for TV is not supposed to happen till after you've been dating a while.

 

No, I don't have a DVR or Tivo. I scheduled our date for noon that day and honestly thought it would only take an hour or two to see the museum -- I thought I had left myself enough time to hang out with him and get back home in time.

 

I definitely didn't intend to insult him or to imply that I wasn't enjoying his company.

 

 

Schedule a fun date where you can let your hair down, where you can actually connect a little bit. Intellectualism is fine but there's more to life than that. How about a city tour, or mini golf, or the zoo... I don't know, but something more engaging.

 

I'm glad that you mentioned this -- I'm actually looking more for a "mind mate" than for a "soul mate." One of the things I like about this guy is that he's an intellectual too -- we only talk about books and other "academic" topics.

 

 

Personally, every time I meet someone off a dating site or FB & they don't want to give me their number I assume it's because they are with someone & don't want to get caught. (I have no faith in people anymore. LOL!)

 

 

We've exchanged numbers. We've called/texted to arrange the logistics of our meetups, e.g. "I'm waiting next to the yellow sign, how far are you from me?"

 

There is no kind way of putting this but I think you have psychological traits that make you unsuitable and incapable of dating, at least in the conventional sense that most people would be familiar with. I could go into a lot of detail but I don't think it would matter as you would not want to change or see why it would be appropriate to change.

 

Do you think you are any good at interpreting body language ie other people's behaviour? I suspect not. And that is a major handicap. And if you can't flirt, just a wee bit, you might as well be carrying a millstone around with you.

 

 

I agree that a "normal" romantic relationship would be a challenge for me. I've always been a lone wolf and never had much need for social interaction.

 

I don't have Asperger's Syndrome as I'm generally quite adept at reading/interpreting facial expressions, body language, and other social cues. For a while I thought that I might have Schizoid Personality Disorder, but I don't meet the DSM-IV TR diagnostic criteria so it's not that either. I think I just have an extreme case of the INTJ/Enneagram 5 personality.

[pcplod]

I agree that a "normal" romantic relationship would be a challenge for me. I've always been a lone wolf and never had much need for social interaction.

 

I don't have Asperger's Syndrome as I'm generally quite adept at reading/interpreting facial expressions, body language, and other social cues. For a while I thought that I might have Schizoid Personality Disorder, but I don't meet the DSM-IV TR diagnostic criteria so it's not that either. I think I just have an extreme case of the INTJ/Enneagram 5 personality.

 

I must confess. I didn't have any real belief that you couldn't read body language. You gave enough clues in your OP to undermine that.

 

The question is, do you really want to do anything about this? It actually sounds to me that you are actually a pretty intelligent and self-aware person, including being pretty aware of, shall we call them, your short-comings. We all have short-comings and we can either be phlegmatic and say, "That's us, there is no more to it", or we can say "Hmm, I fancy nudging my own boundaries of comfort outwards, bit-by-bit because it is intriguing, interesting, combats boredom, gives satisfaction when competence is achieved, much like any other facet of self-discovery".

 

Would you accuse yourself of being psychologically or emotionally 'lazy'? I'll guess not. But do you find comfort, contentment, a drama and anxiety-free life, by not pushing yourself into areas where you feel that you will not be immediately competent and in control? I think there may be a stronger possibility of that. By and far, that is the preferred default probably for the majority of us. It's finding sufficient courage, and dare I suggest it, masochism, to tell ourselves "I want to achieve more than this".

 

By the way, I guess he didn't hold your interest sufficiently at the museum for you to want to forgo the sports event? Was there EVER any possibility that you would have forgone watching it? Please say "Yes", if even it is only a hypothetical possibility.

[scorpio1978]

Thank you all for the replies and input.

 

 

 

Yes, that's right. I guess I'm a late bloomer that just hasn't bloomed yet...

 

 

 

No, I don't have a DVR or Tivo. I scheduled our date for noon that day and honestly thought it would only take an hour or two to see the museum -- I thought I had left myself enough time to hang out with him and get back home in time.

 

I definitely didn't intend to insult him or to imply that I wasn't enjoying his company.

 

 

 

I'm glad that you mentioned this -- I'm actually looking more for a "mind mate" than for a "soul mate." One of the things I like about this guy is that he's an intellectual too -- we only talk about books and other "academic" topics.

 

 

 

We've exchanged numbers. We've called/texted to arrange the logistics of our meetups, e.g. "I'm waiting next to the yellow sign, how far are you from me?"

 

 

 

I agree that a "normal" romantic relationship would be a challenge for me. I've always been a lone wolf and never had much need for social interaction.

 

I don't have Asperger's Syndrome as I'm generally quite adept at reading/interpreting facial expressions, body language, and other social cues. For a while I thought that I might have Schizoid Personality Disorder, but I don't meet the DSM-IV TR diagnostic criteria so it's not that either. I think I just have an extreme case of the INTJ/Enneagram 5 personality.

 

I was actually thinking Asperger's when I was reading your post. And while it's not appropriate to diagnose someone off of their posts, you may have some TRAITS of Schizoid Personality, but who am I to say? I know nothing about you. So, let's just say that you seem very rigid in your beliefs and neither need nor particularly enjoy close interpersonal relationships. That said, that doesn't mean that you can't have one if you really choose to. You may just need to work on it. Go out with this gentleman on another day when you have nothing planned for the day and let it flow, see where things go.

 

And now, I will go dwell on my own problems, which is that I may actually be a mega-whore since I hold hands within hours of meeting someone. Eek!

[Vulcan T'Para]

 

The question is, do you really want to do anything about this?

 

By the way, I guess he didn't hold your interest sufficiently at the museum for you to want to forgo the sports event? Was there EVER any possibility that you would have forgone watching it? Please say "Yes", if even it is only a hypothetical possibility.

 

Over the past year or so, I've actually taken steps to become more social. I've implemented a "social regimen" of sorts for myself that "requires" me to attend at least two social events every month. To accomplish this, I've joined several meetup groups (admittedly they're book clubs) and I've enrolled in a couple classes on topics of interest at a local community college. In fact, I met this guy in one of those classes.

 

The guy did hold my interest at the museum and I greatly enjoyed our conversation -- I just don't like "wasting time" by spending four hours on a task that should take less than two. In theory I would have foregone watching the sporting event, but in practice, well, I'll have to work on that for next time...