When it rains it pours...

[CryForNoOne]

I met someone on OKC about a month ago and we've really had a great connection. We got intimate on our second date and have spent hours and hours making out on dates 2, 3, and 4. She has a no intercourse until 5th date rule and I'm honoring it even though we've come dangerously close to breaking it several times. She's coming over for the 5th date tomorrow night. Before our third date she already asked "Are we a couple?" I didn't answer but it sure felt like we were already. I think we both know if will be official after tomorrow night. It's been like a countdown... But trouble began starting last Wednesday. It's like women sense when you're no longer available...

 

First my "dream girl" who FZ'd me after our 2nd date back in Feb, texted me out of the blue on Wednesday night. It certainly felt like a "hey I might be mildly interested again" text so I jumped all over it and am seeing her Wed night now. It's not a "date" but I know it's a window of opportunity. Not one hour later, I bump into a girl I had a fantastic date with last August - but she abruptly moved to Hawaii. Well now she's back in LA and expressing serious interest in me. I've made no plans with her yet but she keeps sending me the "How are you doing?" texts every few days. Then I met a new girl at a bar on Friday and we went out on Sunday. I didn't quite feel right doing it, but she's a model and gorgeous so I couldn't resist when she showed interest.

It was a good date but she is probably too young, 24, and kinda dull - I also didn't feel that intense connection like I did with my "almost" GF. BTW These are all women I met IRL, as I stopped OLD once I met the girl I'm with now.

 

But all this stuff makes me wonder if maybe I'm not ready for a committed relationship which is obviously what my "almost" GF wants (and I thought I did too). But if sparks fly again with my dream girl on Wednesday, I'd be in a real tough predicament. So do I postpone our 5th date until after Wednesday? Do I still see her tomorrow but find some excuse to not have sex when we've both been pining for this moment for weeks? I mean the most hurtful thing I could imagine is having sex with her and then breaking up right after.

Edited May 7, 2013 by CryForNoOne

[ascendotum]

Yikes. Good life complications. I think you only wonder about a committed relationship because all these other options have just popped up on your radar, and you feel you should make the most of things. Go with what you were feeling the week before.

 

As for the almost GF, I think you should postpone the date with a convincing reason. This other 'dream girl' you are meeting Wednesday night..I know people cut slack for 2nd rate behavior for people they are really attracted to..but what was her reason why she backed off from you Feb? Does it seem like to you, you are now the back up option, when her first choice didn't work out, and would you care?

Only because you label this 2nd girl 'your dream girl' do I say delay on this other other 'almost GF'.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The girl that F-zoned you after second date is most likely looking for an ego boost and is running low on options. I wouldn't take her seriously.

[CryForNoOne]

I don't think I'm a second option. She has very high self esteem so I think she'd rather be single than be with someone she's not that into. So I doubt I got FZ'd because she liked someone else more than me. If anything I feel like she respects the fact that I backed off after she asked for friendship only and now maybe is having a slight change of heart. She's a "catch". She is very smart, went to a great school, and models/acts. I'd liken her to a Natalie Portman type (beauty and brains). We have a TON in common though so even though I felt in some ways she was out of my league, I also knew she really liked me and saw the same commonality. So yeah, if she expresses interest in me again Wednesday, I'm all over that...

 

The girl I'm with presently, doesn't compare to her at all if one makes a "list", but at the same time, she's awesome in her own way. She's incredibly kind, patient, and just a great person. We had an amazing connection and she is very attractive - maybe not actress/model material but that's not the most important thing to me. I really like her and we've gotten to know each other quite well in a very short time...

[CryForNoOne]

The girl that F-zoned you after second date is most likely looking for an ego boost and is running low on options. I wouldn't take her seriously.

 

No I'm certain she has very high self esteem. She went to all women's college and is a very sexy feminist. That is immensely attractive to me...

[CryForNoOne]

I was going to cook a fancy meal for her tonight so I told her I was just too busy at work to shop for ingredients and prepare for the meal. I asked her if we could push back to the weekend. She of course said, we can skip the fancy dinner but I told her I was looking forward to both so we agreed to push back until Saturday.

 

I'm going to see "dream girl" on Wednesday night and see what happens.

 

I've made no plans with Hawaii girl nor do I intend to.

 

I don't think I'm going to see the model again. She texted me yesterday around noon saying she had a great time. I had failed to send the usual "I had a great time and would like to see you again text" because I had mixed feelings. Even after her text I didn't reply, then a couple hours later she sent me "Look I hope I didn't come off as cold... I don't warm up right away... I'd really like to see you again..." I never thought I'd lose interest in a total knockout who is basically really nice (albeit kinda dull) but I have. I finally replied "Sorry I'm busy at work but I had a great time as well. Can I TTYL?" I don't know what to say to her. I guess I could say I just don't feel a connection, but because she is so gorgeous, it would feel like an attack on her personality. Oddly it is so much easier for me when I'm borderline physically attracted. or maybe I just say I'm kinda getting involved with someone else so it was a bad idea...

[CryForNoOne]

What makes you think girls with high esteem dont do the "fall back plan" thing, bc i can assure you some do. There was a reason she friend zoned you. I agree with PP that I wouldnt take her seriously until shes proven otherwise.

 

Because almost by definition they don't sleep with guys just to feel better about themselves. She told me while on our first or second date, that she neither dated alot nor had many friends. She didn't believe in "dating" or "acquaintances" , instead she chooses to be single and spend quality time with a handful of friends. That doesn't mean she's never met a guy who didn't reject her, but again almost by definition, a women with high self esteem, would not just run out and sleep with her fall back plan if she got rejected...

[RedRobin]

I don't think I'm a second option. She has very high self esteem so I think she'd rather be single than be with someone she's not that into. So I doubt I got FZ'd because she liked someone else more than me. If anything I feel like she respects the fact that I backed off after she asked for friendship only and now maybe is having a slight change of heart. She's a "catch". She is very smart, went to a great school, and models/acts. I'd liken her to a Natalie Portman type (beauty and brains). We have a TON in common though so even though I felt in some ways she was out of my league, I also knew she really liked me and saw the same commonality. So yeah, if she expresses interest in me again Wednesday, I'm all over that...

 

The girl I'm with presently, doesn't compare to her at all if one makes a "list", but at the same time, she's awesome in her own way. She's incredibly kind, patient, and just a great person. We had an amazing connection and she is very attractive - maybe not actress/model material but that's not the most important thing to me. I really like her and we've gotten to know each other quite well in a very short time...

 

I'd say let 'almost GF' go.

 

She can do better than you if all you can do is pine over a near stranger and get all woozy the minute 'dream girl' bats her eyelashes.

 

On the other hand, if 'almost GF' is stupid enough to sleep with you after such a short period, maybe she has it coming... next time she'll hold out for someone with better character and isn't so wishy-washy.

[clia]

Because almost by definition they don't sleep with guys just to feel better about themselves. She told me while on our first or second date, that she neither dated alot nor had many friends. She didn't believe in "dating" or "acquaintances" , instead she chooses to be single and spend quality time with a handful of friends. That doesn't mean she's never met a guy who didn't reject her, but again almost by definition, a women with high self esteem, would not just run out and sleep with her fall back plan if she got rejected...

 

What makes you think she wants to sleep with you? I don't think that's what anyone was getting at...The point here is that this woman friendzoned you months ago. Hence, she doesn't want a relationship with you. You know that. Yet all she has to do is send you a text message and you jump right up and agree to see her again, like a little puppy dog. Even women with high self esteem can go through periods of time where they don't feel so pretty or are down about themselves. It can be very ego boosting to call up a guy you know is crazy about you to help prop yourself up a little bit. That may be the game she is playing with you. Don't lose a good thing with the woman you have for a very slim (if that) chance with this woman.

 

I also think you aren't ready to be in a committed relationship. You still seem way too hung up on "dream girl." I think your "almost" GF would be hurt if she knew you were going out with "dream girl" and referring to another woman as "dream girl." Kudos to you for putting off the sex.

[RedRobin]

Your situation reminds me of something... I've decided to dump the guy I've been seeing the past month or two because he won't shut up about a woman he broke up with almost a year ago.. oh wait... no.... she broke up with him...

 

...and when I suggested we go dancing recently, he said he didn't want to go to the place he and his now ex went to because she sometimes teaches there...

 

Oh, and she occasionally calls him. (cue drum roll).

 

So yea, out this one goes...

 

TBH, it will serve you right if you end up with no one after this whole routine... Shakes head...

[BluEyeL]

Even women with very high self esteem have moments when they feel kind of lonley, there is noone around, temporarily, and they look for some attention. Also women with high self esteem who choose to be single might sleep with people just like men do, just for sex, hey, they need it and are single, don't need to wait for the soul mate.

 

It is really not good what you are doing with your "almost GF", stringing her along. If you are not really into her, let her go and find someone better.

 

With the model, just tell her you didn't feel it, wth? Why do you need to say ttyl?? So what she's a model? Nothing to do with it.

[soccerrprp]

Your situation reminds me of something... I've decided to dump the guy I've been seeing the past month or two because he won't shut up about a woman he broke up with almost a year ago.. oh wait... no.... she broke up with him...

 

...and when I suggested we go dancing recently, he said he didn't want to go to the place he and his now ex went to because she sometimes teaches there...

 

Oh, and she occasionally calls him. (cue drum roll).

 

So yea, out this one goes...

 

TBH, it will serve you right if you end up with no one after this whole routine... Shakes head...

 

RedRobin,

 

WTF!? Heck yah, dump the guy. There is no hope for recovery and he's been down right insensitive.

[CryForNoOne]

Even women with very high self esteem have moments when they feel kind of lonley, there is noone around, temporarily, and they look for some attention. Also women with high self esteem who choose to be single might sleep with people just like men do, just for sex, hey, they need it and are single, don't need to wait for the soul mate.

 

It is really not good what you are doing with your "almost GF", stringing her along. If you are not really into her, let her go and find someone better.

 

With the model, just tell her you didn't feel it, wth? Why do you need to say ttyl?? So what she's a model? Nothing to do with it.

 

Well it's not like I'm stringing her along. My intentions with her are sincere and I am really into her. I think about her day and night. But I'm fairly certain she has gone on dates since we met though probably not recently, and admittedly it was probably a mistake for me to go on a date Sunday night. The only one that has me confused is the dream girl. Of course if I describe her that way I'm interested. But perhaps when I see her again, there won't be any connection and I can have closure.

[lamaga]

It seems to me as if 'almost GF' is a good catch. If you guys have a real connection, know for sure that you will probably hate yourself later on if you ruin it now, just because this model girl is making you all confused.

 

There are girls like that... they are good at making guys confused. My ex and me had the same problem with a girl he used to date.. We broke up and he started hanging out with her and now she left again because she only wanted him for some sex and cuddling and didn't want anything serious. Now he comes knocking on my door again but it's not working for me, sorry.

 

If your 'almost GF' is as smart as you describe, she will not take you back after you break it off with her just so you can feel if maybe this model girl will satisfy all your 'needs'.

 

but it seems like the damage is already done.. you are going to see her on Wednesday. please keep us posted on what's happening tomorrow.

i wonder if it will change your mind about the whole situation.

 

PS: I am rooting for 'almost GF', but I wish for her to be with a guy who knows what he wants.

[RedRobin]

There are girls like that... they are good at making guys confused.

 

I don't blame the girls. I blame the guys who can't see through it.

 

Dumped the guy before this one for similar behavior...

 

The OP is going through the first phases of his mid-life crisis, sounds like. He's in his 40's... 'dream girl' reminds him of the one who got away years ago.

 

I'd say that 'dream girl' is doing 'almost GF' a huge favor... she is painting a really clear picture of what the OP really is. A huge GIGS/BBD'er with serious intimacy issues.

 

What is sad about this whole situation is that it is one I see played out every day in OLD situations... something that might have been building to mutual trust and intimacy... get short circuited by someone waffling over what appears to be lots of choices. Then the other person gets spooked seeing the person pulling back, and it spirals down from there.

 

Rather than just focus on one person and seeing where it goes. Shaking head.

[Sunshine87]

Why did that other girl friend zone you? Me thinks she is a bit lonely...but what do I know?

[nerd]

I'd say that 'dream girl' is doing 'almost GF' a huge favor... she is painting a really clear picture of what the OP really is. A huge GIGS/BBD'er with serious intimacy issues.

 

Do you ever give the guy a chance to refocus by telling him his behavior is bad? Or just move on because it's not your job to fix him?

[salparadise]

OP, I think you need to do a bit of introspection and figure out if you're really looking for a relationship or just trying to bang hottest woman that you can get. Once you're clear about that decisions will be easier. I think that FZ'd dream gurl was probably in exactly the same situation back then as you are now... had a better option that she wanted to play with, so she put you on the back burner realizing that she could reactivate you any old time. Now you're going to throw away a shot at a real relationship because she's a little bit hotter?

 

It is interesting though... the behaviors that women exhibit most of the time aren't unique to women, it's just because they have options. Everyone seems to play it the same way when they have options.

[gdes32]

Dream girl has you right where she wants you. You get friend zoned and then drop everything you are doing, including perhaps a great start to a new relationship, to deal with her crap again. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

[curlygirl40]

 

 

But if you were really ready to commit, the others coming out of the woodwork wouldnt phase you IMO.

 

That said, you are really risking wat youve bulit up if you cancel this highly anticipated 5th date, and for wat - the remote chance u might get laid by one of these others? Theres no guarantee anything would develop with the others anyway.

 

This!

 

I think the universe is testing you. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship. Which is o.k, don't appologize for that, but don't string along almost GF in the meantime.

[AMusing]

Dump "Almost girlfriend" for her sake.

 

The girl I'm with presently, doesn't compare to her at all if one makes a "list", but at the same time, she's awesome in her own way.

 

Imagine if "almost GF" read this thread. You think she'd stick around for date 5 if she knew the truth? Your comparison would hurt her like crazy if she read it. Lying to her so you can try your luck with a "better" option? That's bull****, seriously, and you know it.

[CryForNoOne]

So what I ended up doing was not confirming Wed night with dream girl, so we never met. I FZ'd the model by text and have done nothing with Hawaii girl except slightly flirty texting. I realized that I'm thinking about "almost GF" day and night - so why ruin a good thing? I'm seeing her tonight now and neither of us can wait. We both know how to push each others buttons when flirting by text and the anticipation is driving us nuts - so I think I'm doing the right thing here...

[AMusing]

Good for you, I'm impressed. I hope it goes well.

 

Now you just have to quit comparing "almost gf" with all these other women!

[ses]

Figure out what you want. A woman that is so awesome to be considered an "almost GF" doesn't deserve to be compared to others. She stands alone. Enjoy your time with her, and forget the other drama.

 

She makes you happy. That's important.