Am I the rebound girl???

[mugirl213]

Hello all...this might shape up to be a long one, but please bear with me as I am in desperate need of advice. Obviously I can't provide you with full details on the situation because my relationship has lasted nearly 4 months....but hopefully I'll give enough insight to allow you all to provide me an educated opinion.

 

Whew! Here goes...basically I'm in love. Wonderful, happy, carefree love...with a wonderful man. We've been dating for 4 months now and it's just been great. We're in that blissful spend every waking moment together type of situation right now. I know that's totally infatuation and will eventually die down...but right now we're just enjoying it. Haven't said "the big L" just yet...but I definitely know I feel it. Problem is...I'm not sure how he feels about me. He's very caring and loving but I know due to a betrayal in a past relationship he's very guarded with his heart.

 

Last week we had our first big blowout fight...as I went over to his house after work...and before we started discussing the fight, the first thing he said to me was..."Amy called." My heart just sank because I know he had been having a difficult time with the breakup. Basically the situation was this...Last July, she was to move in with him (they'd dated for 3 years) and he found out that she was interested in someone else, she called off moving in (after he already had) and also broke up with him. Understandably this was upsetting. So...I know in October he had sex with someone else (just useful in assessing my rebound status), but I'm not sure if it was his ex or just some random girl. We started dating in January and everything went wonderfully. So basically the reason she called him last week was because he'd received some mail at his apt. for her (obviously she'd started filling out change of address forms, etc.) regarding car registration...well the reason she called (both is home AND cell) was because she wanted to know what county the city we live in was in (she's from out of state). but if you ask me, that's a fairly LAME reason to call your ex whom you dumped and haven't spoken with for months. WHy not just look it up on the internet or do ANYTHING else. He was just before that telling me how he'd forgotten her voice, etc.

 

So last Friday we were driving around talking and the topic of her came up and how he was thinking about how the Easter that just passed was his "First Easter w/o Amy". And he'll frequently comment on songs on the radio that "helped him after his breakup". This hurts like hell as I love this man and he's talking about pain caused to him by his ex. NOW...don't get me wrong and think that he's not paying attention to me or showing me affection, cause he does. But the Easter comment really hurt my feelings because he'd given me a little stuffed bunny and a cute card and wrote in it how he looks at spring as a time of birth and how he sees it as the birth of our great relationship, etc. So I was so excited and thrilled to hear this...and then to hear him thinking of it as his "first easter w/o her" INSTEAD of his first Easter WITH me...really upset me.

 

Well last night I told him this as I started joking about being his rebound girl. ANd he's like, no what I said was, this was my first Easter not in Ohio (where her parents live) and I corrected him, and then he's like...oh I said my first Easter w/o her family....and I corrected him again and he was clearly embarassed. I told him how that kinda hurt me and he said he didn't really think about it like that and that he was sorry. He also said that though it was hard, he did get over her...mostly.

 

So later that night, I was quiet and he sensed it and asked if there was weirdness between us and I told him how me being the rebound girl really upset me and that's not what I wanted to be. I told him how it hurt me to think what he thought about Easter and he said, well it's not been a year yet (but dear Lord, it nearly is! How much time does he need???) and it's hard for me NOT to think of holidays that way. Well, his birthday just passed too and I asked if he thought of it that way...he said yes, but no one has ever shown him as fun or great a birthday as I had. I told him how I was trying to be understanding and patient and asked if he needed anything else...i.e. time to himself to recover (I offered this to him initially in the relationship as well) and he said no as he had then as well. I said it was just very hard and frustrating for me as I felt like I had all my self to give him and he didn't have the same to give me. He said he was sorry and that it's not necessarily HER that he was pining away after, but more 'a little piece of himself that she took." I asked him if he felt like he would ever have that back and he said yes...and I had asked him before if he ever felt like he could love again (beccause I thought he couldn't) and he said how he could...and when he'd say it again it would be because love is the happiest thing in the world...not the thing that had caused him so much pain. It was late, so eventually we both drifted off to sleep and left that at that...this morning was normal and then all day we'll be at work and tonight we have plans with friends.

 

We always talk about the future...i.e. marriage and kids...which shows me he does see a future with me...but, just these things make me wonder what to do. It's clear to me he does care for me but I just don't know what to do. I'm prepared to give him time and be patient...I'm glad that he comes to me with his feelings rather than bottle them. But every time he does, he takes a little piece of my heart because I feel like he's still pining away for her.

 

It doesn't seem that there's a chance for reconciliation...so that doesn't concern me. Though I did ask him last night that if she came knocking on his door saying she made a terrible mistake if he'd take her back and he said, "I'd feel sorry for her because she's missing out on one of the best things in her life, but it's over...it's just over." It almost sounded like he was convincing himself.

 

I'm a very insecure person...but I really just dont' know if I'm being paranoid or if I'm being realistic. Please...help me...guide me...give me some advice on what to do.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Unrequited love is like a powerful addiction for some people. Unless someone has truly recovered from their last break-up, it is always going to be risky business getting involved with them.

 

Recovery involves absolute closure. It means no longer contacting that person. It means no longer dwelling on past memories (good or bad). It means no longer allowing them to occupy your thoughts or conversations. It means letting go of any bitterness and becoming completely ambivalent about who they’re with and what they’re doing. It means not giving a rat’s butt about whether they’ve moved on without you or not.

 

It means…LETTING GO.

 

Unfortunately, this process takes longer for some people then for others. Meanwhile, it won’t matter whether there is a chance of reconciliation or not. As long as her memory still pre-occupies his thoughts, you will be living in the shadow of her ghost.

 

You were brave to confront him about the hurtful comment he made, whether intentional or not. I would have done the same thing. But I would also take it a step further:

 

Rather than wasting my time and energy trying to prove that I was a worthy replacement, I would distance myself from this relationship for a while and give him “alone time” to work through his issues on his own. And only when he had absolutely convinced me (through actions, not words) that he was finally ready to fully invest himself in “us” would I even consider picking up where we left off.

 

Let ‘him’ come to ‘you’ for a change. It’s the only way to prevent the dreaded ‘rebound’ syndrome. Until then, if I were you, I would continue to date and enjoy the company of other male friends in the event that someone who is ‘better adjusted’ happens to come along.

 

The question is…do you have the self-confidence and inner strength to actually ‘let go’ yourself? Unrequited love can often be a double-edged sword…

[Pyrannaste]

From your post I think you are being over-paranoid.

Unless.....how often does he comment about his ex? Daily?

If each day or every other day he mentions her(without you asking) I'd be worried too.

 

Did the argument that took place when Amy called took place *because* Amy called?

I think your bf acted very nice and was honest about it. Looks like she calls once in a bluemoon, he told you, and he told you why.

 

I think the easter comment sounds casual.

Had I been with you I would have been happy about the bunny and expecially the beautiful card.

Had I been your boyfriend I'd have been hurt.... he wrote you something wonderful, and all you thought about was an innocent remark abou his being *without*her. It's not like he told you it was first easter without her looking sad and sorry.

 

I once got upset with my bf because he bought a card to give his ex with a present for her getting a degree while he was with me when he never bought me a card(on birthdays, christmas, whatever) in two years, I got presents and no card. If I'd get a card and a present for easter and his ex did not, I'd be just glad!

 

I think he was just feeling proud he has gotten over her and is with you. Three years is a long time!

 

I think it was stupid joking about you being the rebound girl.... unless of course he is *always*mentioning his ex making her look better than you and sounding sorry he's not with her anymore.

 

Give him a break, please. He sounds to me like a nice, caring, kind, sensitive person that is in love with you and wishes to make you happy.

Don't be insecure when he is talking like he is really serious and cares for the relationship. You will only hurt him when he does not deserve it.

Talk about your worries, but don't accuse him/be angry at him when he did not do anything wrong, don't ever joke about being the rebound girl again because you will hurt him, and he does not deserve it.