Should I take friendship to the next level? Does she like me?

[User12345]

I am a 22 year-old student. In the past several months I have become close friends with a girl at school, Jane. At first, Jane and I only spent time together with a group of other people. However, as I got to know Jane better I finally got the courage to ask her to spend time alone with me (like coming over to my place to watch a movie, going to church, studying at my place, getting ice cream, etc...)

 

Recently, Jane and I went to a park one afternoon and we also went out to dinner and had a great time. We also wanted to see a movie but nothing good was playing. Jane even insisted on paying for dinner because I did nice things for her the week beforehand (Jane was sick recently and I did some favors for her at school like getting her assignments and also making her a CD to listen to if she was in bed bored). Anyway, I'm not sure if Jane hangs out with me as a friend or if she actually likes me. She is a very friendly, innocent, cute, and outgoing girl so sometimes her behavior is hard to interpret. I also don't know if our trip to the park and dinner was a date or not.

 

Another problem in this situation is that Jane is very close friends with another guy, John. I am friends with John, but not close friends. John and Jane have been friends for a few months more than I have known Jane. John and Jane flirt a lot...they also kissed on an occasion. I'm not sure if they are dating or if what they experienced was just a "fling." Several times Jane has been depressed because of her situation with John, saying things like "I should just forget it," or "It's hopeless." Although she would not specifically mention that comment was about a guy, I am very confident it is about John.

 

I don't know if I should tell Jane that I like her. I have a feeling she may know that I like her, but then again she may be dumbfounded just as I am! I am afraid that if I am up front with her and say that I like her, my friendship with her will be destroyed. In some ways, I think I should just be friends with her and keep everything to myself, that way I can still hang out with her while avoiding any potential problems.

 

In my mind I constantly wonder if she like me or not. Sometimes I think of situations or things she may have said that make me believe that she likes me more than a friend. But then I think that I am being to optimistic and that something she said or did doesn't exactly mean that she likes me.

 

What do I do?

[uriel]

What's clear from your post is that Jane likes John -- alot. John isn't reciprocating. You are a good friend.

 

Could you be something more? Definitely not as long as she's hung up on John and still willing to play the waiting game. Most women -- especially the kind of girl you're describing -- can't hold two guys in their hearts at once.

 

So, if you don't want to risk putting yourself out there just yet, you might ask her if she's seeing John -- or anyone. Pretend like you haven't got that all figured out. Let her tell you what's going on.

 

If she says no firmly, then you can use that as a prelude to asking the big question -- has she ever thought about going out with you? Yes, it'll be putting yourself out there, but you can't get an answer unless you ask.

 

Chances are, she would have already flirted with you if she was attracted. So, get ready to tell her you'd like to stay friends, no problem. It was just something that occured to you, since you guys had been spending so much time together.

 

If she confesses to feeling something for John or seeing him or someone else, then bow out gracefully. Not your time.

 

Good luck --

 

uriel

[SouthernRomeo]

Uriel pretty much hit the nail on the head. "The Nice Guy" syndrome comes into play. You are the guy she can share things with, you are the plan B, the person she can turn to, the shoulder she can cry on. This has existed for eons.

 

I agree, she is in love with John, but he seems unsure about the commitment or he may just be a "playa" as many call people. Because this John may not give her the attention she craves she kinda chases after him. The clues here are the "It's Hopeless" comment. So she turns to you for the attention and friendship you can offer. While this can work to your benefit down the line, as Uriel put it, long as she has John in her heart, you will simply be on standy.

 

I also agree that one way or the other you have to ask. Whether you do as Uriel said and ask if she's seeing someone, or whether you just simply tell her "I love the time we spend together, it's nice. And the more time I'm spending with you, I feel closer to you than a friend. How do you feel?" While that may seem direct, it's just general enough that she may simply tell you how you feel.

 

No matter what you do, don't work yourself up too much. If you are enjoying her company as a friend then by all means keep it. And don't feel the friendship will dissolve if you pop the question (no not marriage...=P ) As I put in a post of my own one day, if the friendship is strong, it will prevail. Have faith and hope for the best. Good luck my friend, you sound like a very good hearted person. That is to be admired in this day and age.

[user12345]

Thanks for the advice. What you said makes a lot of sense, and it's what I have been believing for a while now. John is very flirtateous and is very experienced, while Jane is very innocent, and it appears that Jane wants John as her boyfriend but John does not want to committ. It does seem like I am "on standby" as you said, which is why I am frustrated. For example, when we went out to dinner and watched a movie and stuff, John was away for the week, so now I feel like the only reason why Jane spent time with me was because John was unavailable. Once John returns next week, I am afraid Jane will no longer want to spend any one-on-one time with me and I will be pushed aside. Another funny thing is that it appears that Jane tries to be secretive about the time she spends with me. It seems like she tries to keep it secret from John and our mutual friends...it's just a feeling I have. I guess there is really nothing I can do to avoid being pushed aside.

 

To answer one of your questions, yes, Jane does flirt with me and I do the same to her, usually only when we are alone together. In your replies you mentioned that I should ask her how she feels about me or ask if she wants to go out with me. Didn't I already do that? She mentioned to me that she wanted to visit the park so I said "let's go tomorrow" and she said "sure, that sounds great!" So does that mean I already asked her out? I feel like she should know that I like her because I help her out when she needs it, flirt with her, make her laugh, etc... Is it possible that she likes me but wants me to make all the moves? About being "on standby"... Am I just a friend on standby or could she really like me more than a friend, but is confused because she is trying to juggle both John and I? I understand you probably can't answer these questions, but sometimes it's good to just brainstorm different possibilities.

[SouthernRomeo]

Ok, let's go over your post.

 

Another funny thing is that it appears that Jane tries to be secretive about the time she spends with me. It seems like she tries to keep it secret from John and our mutual friends

 

To me this is red flag #1 that she likes another guy. By not letting anyone else know that you two go out or she hides the times she spends with you, she has no fear of being socially committed. If she tells someone, especially John, then in their eyes you might be a date or boyfriend or something of the like.

 

In your replies you mentioned that I should ask her how she feels about me or ask if she wants to go out with me. Didn't I already do that? She mentioned to me that she wanted to visit the park so I said "let's go tomorrow" and she said "sure, that sounds great!" So does that mean I already asked her out?

 

Ok, what is your definition of a date? Going out to the park CAN be a date but it's the premise behind asking that seems to be the issue at hand. Did you kiss, romantically hold hands. All of this comes down to your definition. I still feel that Jane is the type that likes the hunt, or the chase. Therefore she is going after John cause in his own way he has rejected her. There are many female types like that, as well as male types. With you she sees comfort and security. But for you, you seem to want more, love, romance and committment. She may not want that in you and it is that question that you may have to ask her about or you will struggle with the "what if" or "what is" parts of your relationship with this women.

 

My advice here is to flat out tell her how you feel. Let her know your feelings for her and see how she reacts. You obviously are a little bit bothered by her secretive ways and you seem to want to take this to the next level. Better to lay it on the line and let the chips fall where they may, or else you will continue to wonder what the nature of your frienship or whatever you have is. Again wish you luck and hope this helps in some way.

[uriel]

S. Romeo's right. It's not a date unless both parties understand that this is a romantic outing for two rather than two buddies hanging out together. Your first post made it clear that you do lots of hanging out, but didn't say anything physical or emotional was happening -- at least not between you, just in your head.

 

Sounds to me like Jane is keeping your one on one activities quiet because she likes the attention you give her but doesn't want John to get the wrong impression. Sorry -- but I'm sticking with her being stuck on him.

 

Women who act like this aren't necessarily interested in the hunt, btw. They genuinely like the other guy better, but don't like to be alone. So, they keep trying to get the other guy while maintaining some kind of life. Attention from men makes girls, even innocent ones, feel great about themselves.

 

I'm sure she'd feel badly about misleading you, but since nothing's on the table, she might not be entirely aware you've feelings forming. Lots of guys (and girls) flirt and don't mean it.

 

-- uriel