Is This Normal Before A Date?

[debber01]

I've been thrown back into the dating pool after 25 years so I'm not sure if this is the new normal or what.

 

I've been doing OLD, and have been contacted by 4 guys that I'd go on a first date with. In the communications before a real date is even set up, every single guy has alluded to sex, in some way, either outright or by making allusions to it. BEFORE the date is even set up!!

 

Is this:

 

-The new normal

-My people picker is way off

-On line dating in general

-Younger men (I'm 49, but these are guys that are between 41-47, so not that much younger)

 

Thanks for any insight. I'm pretty perplexed by this. I truly don't believe that I'm throwing that type of vibe out there. In fact, I'll only answer profiles that state 'looking for a relationship.' If this is the 'new' way of pre screening dates, I think I'll just stay home with my dogs! Lol.

[jdubb1980]

I think that with online dating you really have to weed through some people. Especially with the free sites.

 

But if they are asking for sex in any way, I would not even reply. Early communication should be simple things about your day, job, etc....

[CryForNoOne]

Well I'm 41 and would never hint at sex before the first date, during the first date, or even up until the third date - unless it actually happened...

 

To me it's very low class to do that if you are looking for a relationship.

[greenetree]

I hate to say this but I think men automatically assume older women are lonely and horny so they are much more aggressive. You can view it two ways, all men are pigs and I won't date any of them. OR All men are pigs but the older ones are more honest about it and don't pretend to be after you mind and your personality...

[curlygirl40]

Well, it's not really 'normal' but it doesn't surprise me. I have had this happen many times also.

 

After being with my ex for 20 ish years, I am now back to dating in my 40's also. Like you, last time I dated there was no internet, no cell phone, no texting. Heck, I didn't even have an answering machine.

 

So you have to be careful because it's like a double edged sword. Yes it makes some things easier but it makes some things tougher. People hide behind the convenience of texting and will say things to you that they otherwise might not. They might just be feeling you out to see how playful you are.

 

I hate to generalize like this but in my experience (been online dating for over 2 years now) the guys that start with the sex talk early are usually the ones that are only looking for sex.

 

It's frustrating to me because I am a VERY sexual person. And I would love nothing more than to be in a trusting relatioship where I can let that side of me out. But if a guy doesn't have the decency to keep it under wraps for a handful of dates, there's something wrong there.

 

There are many women out there that will send a naked pic of themselves before they've even met the guy, and will participate in sexting and stuff like that early on. Guys are used to that so they will always push the envelope to see what they can get away with. It's your job to draw those boundaries and stick to them.

 

If a guy doesn't respect that, then he's not worth your time if that's not what you're looking for.

 

But yes, it's running rampant these days so men (and women) are used to pushing that envelope and starting in with that talk early. I have learned to deflect it. Try to make a joke out of it but yet also let him know early (through joking, I've never had to be direct, they usually get the hint) that you don't roll that way.

 

It's tough because I don't want to think I'm an ice princess either (I'm so not) but they have to wait until we know each other better.

[curlygirl40]

Just re-read your original post and wanted to add.

 

I have nexted several guys for doing/saying inappropriate things in the beginning. I just have no patience for it anymore.

 

Last summer I had gone on one date with a new guy, we continued to text. I had some concerns about him being a good fit for me (never married, no kids but seemed genuinely looking for a relationship) but we continued to talk and he was asking me out for a second time.

 

Then one day, before that second date, out of the blue he sends me a semi naked picture of himself. Completely unsolicited, we weren't even sexual in our conversations. I stopped answering his texts.

 

A couple of weeks later he started texting me again and I did answer him. He appologized for sending that picture and said he went over the line. I never saw him again but I was happy he acknowledged it.

 

I've had other guys start asking me what I'm wearing while we're texting, what I wear to bed, etc. They always seem to start kinda tame and wait for my answer I think. I usually deflect that kind of talk.

 

Good luck! It's a jungle out there!

[CarrieT]

Deb - I did a LOT of online dating in my late 40s as well (and only got into a committed relationship in my 49th year).

 

Here are my thoughts:

 

-The new normal

Sadly, yes.

 

-My people picker is way off

Nope. These guys have nothing to lose, so they try early. For them, it is also a numbers game. Many (men AND women!) having come out of sexless marriages, they want what they feel they have been missing for many years and want to make up for lost time.

 

-Younger men (I'm 49, but these are guys that are between 41-47, so not that much younger)

Got lots of that! Trawlers looking for MILFs or Cougars who they thought were easy...

 

I truly don't believe that I'm throwing that type of vibe out there. In fact, I'll only answer profiles that state 'looking for a relationship.' If this is the 'new' way of pre screening dates, I think I'll just stay home with my dogs! Lol.

You probably aren't throwing out those vibes, but if you don't hold your ground, you could grow old with your dogs...

 

 

 

I'm the one here who easily went on 50+ meet-and-greet dates over the course of two years. Some would bring up sex early and some would not. Sometimes I did.

 

Again, it is a numbers game, but don't give up yet! I am testament to the fact that it is possible to find a guy who is worthwhile...

[Divasu]

Normal or not, just don't respond to it. Unless of course you're looking for that sort of thing, which it doesn't sound like you are. Best not to put yourself in a situation you're not comfortable with. Chin up!

[debber01]

 

It's frustrating to me because I am a VERY sexual person. And I would love nothing more than to be in a trusting relatioship where I can let that side of me out. But if a guy doesn't have the decency to keep it under wraps for a handful of dates, there's something wrong there.

 

It's tough because I don't want to think I'm an ice princess either (I'm so not) but they have to wait until we know each other better.

 

YES!! This exactly! If one of them would just TRY to be respectful, at least at first....well, he'd find that he has a nympho on his hands! Lolol. I was in a sexless marriage for years and have a LOT of catching up to do. But not when they're trying to hit it before we've even set up a date!

[salparadise]

Here's the reality... All men are interested in sex. Even relationship oriented guys, are very much interested in sex.

 

So their assumption is that if you're willing to use the word sex in a conversation then you're probably one of the more progressive women who acknowledge that sex a basic human need that we all have, aren't embarrassed to admit that you like and want sex too, and feel no need to feign naiveté. In other words, they're qualifying you the same way you'd qualify them by not waiting too long before asking what kind of job they have to get an indication of what kind of lifestyle they might provide for you.

 

Now there are also men and women who are able to communicate these things between the lines, and in a more positive and acceptable manner. So you can use that as a filter of your own- if they bring it up too soon then they're not your type. But if you're one of those who don't believe in sex outside of marriage you should probably just say so in your profile. That would save them and you having to do the mating dance, and then when someone does contact you you'll know that he is either willing to wait or he didn't read your profile.

[debber01]

And just to expound upon this, three examples.

 

Was talking to one guy, pre date, and we were discussing my dogs. He wanted to know if I was one of those people that let my dogs sleep with me. Of course I do. It's the best company I've had in years! Lolol. But he comes back with,"Well, that's going to be a problem. Where am *I* going to sleep?" Whaaaa??!!

 

Another guy, 6'-1" and I'm 4'-11". I like tall guys & he likes short women, meh. He knew I'm short but then he asked me how tall I was. I told him and asked why. "I love short women because they're so easy to position." Wow dude. Really?!

 

Another one had a bad experience OLD. She listed body type as average then asked him if it was ok if she were a few pounds overweight. He went with it. Said she turned out to be at least 300 pounds. So when he asked me for a full body shot pic, I understood why & all of my pics are head shots, for whatever reason. I also list my body type as average so I imagine he was a bit skittish. I mean, I'm a size 2, but I'm a 49 year old size 2, so I'd call myself average! Lol. So I texted him a full body shot photo--just jeans and a tshirt, nothing sexy at all. He texts back and says that he likes, and that he already wants it! C'Mon. Really? Seriously?

 

I hadn't even set up date ONE with any of these guys yet! But this is what I can expect from OLD? Really? Granted, two were from POF but one was actually from Match.

 

Sigh....

[curlygirl40]

YES!! This exactly! If one of them would just TRY to be respectful, at least at first....well, he'd find that he has a nympho on his hands! Lolol. I was in a sexless marriage for years and have a LOT of catching up to do. But not when they're trying to hit it before we've even set up a date!

 

Exactly. That's what is so frustrating. The men I do get sexual with, let me just say that once they have me unwrapped they are wondering where the sweet girl they met at Chilis went. lol

 

The guy I was the most in love with in the past couple of years still gives me a hard time about that (we're friendly, long story). He said to me last time 'you put on a good 'good girl' game'. lol

 

But I'm not like that right out of the gate. If they can't sit through a few meals/dates/drinks and take the time to get to know each other, then they can move along. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

 

Annoying. But keep at it.

[curlygirl40]

And just to expound upon this, three examples.

 

Was talking to one guy, pre date, and we were discussing my dogs. He wanted to know if I was one of those people that let my dogs sleep with me. Of course I do. It's the best company I've had in years! Lolol. But he comes back with,"Well, that's going to be a problem. Where am *I* going to sleep?" Whaaaa??!!

 

Sigh....

 

Did you say in the doghouse? lol

 

I think some of these are kinda tame relatively and you can work around it.

 

Like Sal says, men like sex. And water is wet. News at 11:00.

 

They are probably trying to get a gauge on you to see how fun you'll be and some of that is expected and o.k, as long as they are doing all of the other things 'right'. Asking you out on dates, not asking you to their place on the second date, etc.

 

My line is usually that it could be fun but we need adult supervision in the beginning. They get the hint. Sometimes.

 

I think tame things can be forgiven and you can find a playful way to work around it in the beginning. If it ends up being a pattern or they don't get the hint then it's a problem.

[debber01]

Did you say in the doghouse? lol

 

I think some of these are kinda tame relatively and you can work around it.

 

I think tame things can be forgiven and you can find a playful way to work around it in the beginning. If it ends up being a pattern or they don't get the hint then it's a problem.

 

Ha!! I DID say the doghouse CG!

 

Thanks for the input. I haven't dated in 25 years so really don't have a grasp on what is tame or not. Whew. I really want to try a date 1 with the one that likes short women and the "I like. I already want it." guy, so to get the perspective that those are relatively tame things to say really helps. Thanks CG, and everyone. I feel like I'm back in Kindergarden trying to learn how to ride that bicycle without training wheels!

[miss_jaclynrae]

And just to expound upon this, three examples.

 

Was talking to one guy, pre date, and we were discussing my dogs. He wanted to know if I was one of those people that let my dogs sleep with me. Of course I do. It's the best company I've had in years! Lolol. But he comes back with,"Well, that's going to be a problem. Where am *I* going to sleep?" Whaaaa??!!

 

Another guy, 6'-1" and I'm 4'-11". I like tall guys & he likes short women, meh. He knew I'm short but then he asked me how tall I was. I told him and asked why. "I love short women because they're so easy to position." Wow dude. Really?!

 

Another one had a bad experience OLD. She listed body type as average then asked him if it was ok if she were a few pounds overweight. He went with it. Said she turned out to be at least 300 pounds. So when he asked me for a full body shot pic, I understood why & all of my pics are head shots, for whatever reason. I also list my body type as average so I imagine he was a bit skittish. I mean, I'm a size 2, but I'm a 49 year old size 2, so I'd call myself average! Lol. So I texted him a full body shot photo--just jeans and a tshirt, nothing sexy at all. He texts back and says that he likes, and that he already wants it! C'Mon. Really? Seriously?

 

I hadn't even set up date ONE with any of these guys yet! But this is what I can expect from OLD? Really? Granted, two were from POF but one was actually from Match.

 

Sigh....

 

I think this is clever and cute. Forward, but at least you know he is interested.

Over the top yeah, sounds piggish to me.

 

Inappropriate response to a body pic if you ask me, I wouldn't appreciate it.

[Gottabestrong]

And just to expound upon this, three examples.

 

Was talking to one guy, pre date, and we were discussing my dogs. He wanted to know if I was one of those people that let my dogs sleep with me. Of course I do. It's the best company I've had in years! Lolol. But he comes back with,"Well, that's going to be a problem. Where am *I* going to sleep?" Whaaaa??!!

 

Another guy, 6'-1" and I'm 4'-11". I like tall guys & he likes short women, meh. He knew I'm short but then he asked me how tall I was. I told him and asked why. "I love short women because they're so easy to position." Wow dude. Really?!

 

Another one had a bad experience OLD. She listed body type as average then asked him if it was ok if she were a few pounds overweight. He went with it. Said she turned out to be at least 300 pounds. So when he asked me for a full body shot pic, I understood why & all of my pics are head shots, for whatever reason. I also list my body type as average so I imagine he was a bit skittish. I mean, I'm a size 2, but I'm a 49 year old size 2, so I'd call myself average! Lol. So I texted him a full body shot photo--just jeans and a tshirt, nothing sexy at all. He texts back and says that he likes, and that he already wants it! C'Mon. Really? Seriously!

 

I think guys 1 and 3 might just have been flirting. Maybe not very well, but I feel that this was their intent. My advice is to reply with something lighthearted and fun like: "If it comes to that, I am sure we will find place for your somewhere." to guy 1 and "So does everybody else." to guy 3. And of course always followed with a winking smiley.

 

Good luck and hope things get easier for you!

[debber01]

I think guys 1 and 3 might just have been flirting. Maybe not very well, but I feel that this was their intent. My advice is to reply with something lighthearted and fun like: "If it comes to that, I am sure we will find place for your somewhere." to guy 1 and "So does everybody else." to guy 3. And of course always followed with a winking smiley.

 

Good luck and hope things get easier for you!

 

Perfect responses! Just perfect! Which drives home the point that I need to learn how to flirt again as well! Sigh....

[thefooloftheyear]

Hang in there...

 

Most people like sex. Its just stupid for a guy to inquire about it in conversation, but there are a lot of ignorant fools out there, so thats just human nature. As a guy, I would NEVER ask for a full body picture. At the same time, some ladies do bend the rules by posting pics of themselves from many years ago or deliberately hiding weakl points. And really, what do these guys look like? I gotta laugh at some of the guys that want Barbie Dolls, yet look like big, fat jackasses.

 

Keep looking and I am sure you will find respectful, intelligent men who know how to treat a lady and arent just looking for a quick pump and dump.

 

TFOY

[Star Gazer]

The men who contact me on OLD almost never allude to sex.

 

However, when I was younger and had more of a "I'm just looking for fun!" profile, complete with provocative photos (if only just exposed cleavage), I did.

 

I changed my bait to change the type of man who contacts me. It worked.

[todreaminblue]

I've been thrown back into the dating pool after 25 years so I'm not sure if this is the new normal or what.

 

I've been doing OLD, and have been contacted by 4 guys that I'd go on a first date with. In the communications before a real date is even set up, every single guy has alluded to sex, in some way, either outright or by making allusions to it. BEFORE the date is even set up!!

 

Is this:

 

-The new normal

-My people picker is way off

-On line dating in general

-Younger men (I'm 49, but these are guys that are between 41-47, so not that much younger)

 

Thanks for any insight. I'm pretty perplexed by this. I truly don't believe that I'm throwing that type of vibe out there. In fact, I'll only answer profiles that state 'looking for a relationship.' If this is the 'new' way of pre screening dates, I think I'll just stay home with my dogs! Lol.

 

its pretty much the norm, debber, younger guys seem to be attracted to the older woman thing.......maybe thinking that sex is a given, i dont know, alluding to sex and wanting to sex talk......even when they havent met you.....bit of a turn off huh....i dotn liek old......i wish you well with it....deb

[debber01]

i'm suspicious of anyone who's own age is not in their desired range. if someone who's 35 is looking 25-32 or 40-47 i'd wonder what their agenda is.

 

I agree. Totally. At my age, though, I have to be a bit more open as far as age range goes. I will consider 35-54. Most of my interest comes from the cougar/MILF crowd ages 19-28 (while flattering, it's also creepy) or the geriatric crowd ages 62-79, yes 79! (And equally as creepy!) To get interest from the 40-47 age range seems pretty special! But then I get all of the too soon sex comments. Even the cougar/MILF crowd isn't quite THAT brazen, believe it or not.

[MoreThanThat]

I set up a profile on Sat night on a free site. NO photos on it but a very detailed profile with 6 paragraphs. Around 70 responses.... a huge split (lots of - "pic" with nothing else). Exchanges with around 15 and not one pushed any boundaries. Only one stopped communicating (and I wasn't interested).

 

Because I'm a "known" person in a lot of areas, I felt uncomfortable about posting my photo... but in retrospect, it brought me some interesting contacts.

 

FYI - I had done a search myself and looked at a number of profiles and favorited some that looked interesting. So I probably got more responses than what is typical without a photo for that reason.

 

Anyway just a suggestion to perhaps consider the text part of your profile so that it's clearer what you want?

[CryForNoOne]

Was talking to one guy, pre date, and we were discussing my dogs. He wanted to know if I was one of those people that let my dogs sleep with me. Of course I do. It's the best company I've had in years! Lolol. But he comes back with,"Well, that's going to be a problem. Where am *I* going to sleep?" Whaaaa??!!

 

Another guy, 6'-1" and I'm 4'-11". I like tall guys & he likes short women, meh. He knew I'm short but then he asked me how tall I was. I told him and asked why. "I love short women because they're so easy to position." Wow dude. Really?!

 

Another one had a bad experience OLD. She listed body type as average then asked him if it was ok if she were a few pounds overweight. He went with it. Said she turned out to be at least 300 pounds. So when he asked me for a full body shot pic, I understood why & all of my pics are head shots, for whatever reason. I also list my body type as average so I imagine he was a bit skittish. I mean, I'm a size 2, but I'm a 49 year old size 2, so I'd call myself average! Lol. So I texted him a full body shot photo--just jeans and a tshirt, nothing sexy at all. He texts back and says that he likes, and that he already wants it! C'Mon. Really? Seriously?

 

#1 and #3 just seem like unsophisticated attempts to be funny / flirtatious. They might not be all that bad. #2 was pretty damn rude as it was a little degrading if you ask me. If those were #3's exact words, that's a little tacky. #1 almost seems harmless - I mean you kinda walked into that one...

[FitChick]

Stay off the free dating sites.

 

I've found that older men 50+ who talk a lot about sex wind up being impotent. They raise expectations but can't "raise the Titanic."

Edited April 9, 2013 by FitChick

[curlygirl40]

I think guys 1 and 3 might just have been flirting. Maybe not very well, but I feel that this was their intent. My advice is to reply with something lighthearted and fun like: "If it comes to that, I am sure we will find place for your somewhere." to guy 1 and "So does everybody else." to guy 3. And of course always followed with a winking smiley.

 

Good luck and hope things get easier for you!

 

Yup this is what I was talking about. Finding a funny cute way to respond but yet getting your point across. to guy #3 also a good 'stand in line, buddy!' would work too. lol

 

Or with guy #1 you could say 'I don't know, he's a good spooner' (meaning the dog).

 

But once you've deflected that talk and they still don't get the hint, well then you might have a problem.

 

The last guy I dated, after we were sexual he would ask me for pictures and I would just say 'you're gonna have to wait for the real thing'. They will always push the envelope, it's up to you to decide when they are really crossing the line or if they just need to be reminded of your boundaries.

 

Go for it just keep your eyes wide open!!

 

My 47 yr old neighbor went on her first OLD via OKCupid and she said she felt like she was being interviewed for sex. He was asking her lots of questions including if she's ever done anal, and when she said no he said 'well, you haven't done it with the right person'. UGH!!! On a first date!

 

Good luck! Have fun with it but especially if you're looking for a relationship, keep those boundaries in place. You'll learn how to flirt via text in such a way that it keeps them in check.

Edited April 10, 2013 by curlygirl40