mauserman Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Long story short I've worked with this girl for awhile and about 4 months ago I asked her out..she seemed to be all over me. It took her awhile to state it but she finally said she had a boyfriend. So I moved on, just remained friends. But now (4 months later..) She started to get touchy-feely again, and started texting. I don't want to say everything for confidentiality but she made it very aware she is in to me, and likes me more than a friend. She also said her having a boyfriend may not be the case anymore...and we've talked VERY little about it, but sounds to me like she is ready to can him (she's been living with him for i'd say 2 months and is now moving back home). I have repeatedly told her that we should just be friends and take things slow. It's hard because she knows I'm interested in her. She is young and seems to be used to taking things ridiculously fast. I don't know how to go about this. We are going to have lunch later this week...her basically setting it up. I've told her that I would have interest if we clicked AND she was single...but should I tell her to leave the boyfriend? Should I bring him up at all, or just try to get to know her while she goes through this process? I don't want to be messing around with a girl in a relationship, but I don't also want to be the guy thats saying "you should leave him for me". I have done very well so far I feel..I haven't said anything implying I'm really wanting to be with her (unlike her), keeping some interest and making her chase me. But I don't want to lose her either! Hope this is clear.. How should I approach!!
sabre80 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 She is either an attention whore or trying to line something up on the hook before releasing her current catch. I would not want to be in either situation. 1
Author mauserman Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) But doesn't that happen quite often, people having someone lined up before leaving their current catch? I admit I do not really know her, but yet we do have an awesome friendly relationship. I mean, if you were in a bad relationship (she is) and you knew of someone else whom you had interest in and were good friends..why wouldn't you consider dating? There has to be a way for me to go about this...I was planning on making her chase me and keeping some distance for awhile even after her current relationship has ended. I figure if she was a player she wouldn't be able to take it and would move on. I just don't know how to go about talking with her to play this out. When I meet her for lunch I want to tell her that we need to take it slow..and to tell her I won't involve myself at all until her boyfriend is out of the picture. Is it ok to say it just like that? I'm just trying to avoid falling in to her possible trap, but also don't want to keep her so distant that she thinks I'm not interested.. Edited March 25, 2013 by mauserman
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Personally, I wouldn't touch someone like that with a ten foot pole. If, as she claims, her relationship is bad, she either works on it and fixes the problems, or she realizes things can't be salvaged and she breaks up with her boyfriend. She reflects on the experience, figures out what she'll do differently next time, and having learned from the experience, goes out and tries again with someone who would be a better fit. That's what healthy people do. They don't chase guys on the side while they are in a relationship. Understand that what she's doing to him, she will do to you...ASSUMING she ever wants a relationship with you. TBH I wouldn't be surprised if she's just stringing you along to get her ego stroked and serve as her emotional tampon whenever she has a disagreement with her boyfriend and doesn't get her way. Naive guys waste months and years waiting hopefully in the wings under conditions like this for something that was never going to happen for them. I hate to say this, but she is playing you. Not the other way around, as you seem to think. 2
Author mauserman Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 I understand what you're saying, but I just can't see that definitely being the case of whats going on.. She's only going to have her ego stroked if I play along with her...but I haven't really all that much. Sure she knows I have some interest, but I don't really act on it...we talk at work very little, maybe a tad more than I do with some of my other female coworkers. I've just been true and genuine around her..I don't even flirt with her! She's the one that has really taken liking to me. I feel she's only playing me if I let her..can't I just be friends with her and make it obvious that I'll consider becoming more involved when she's done with her relationship? Why does everyone seem to feel thats impossible? I just don't know if it's worth probing her on leaving her boyfriend. Or if I'm going to blow a good connection by pushing her away and taking it slow (once/if she leaves the bf). I have the willpower to say no while she's with him. Not entertaining that.
sabre80 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I feel she's only playing me if I let her..can't I just be friends with her and make it obvious that I'll consider becoming more involved when she's done with her relationship? Why does everyone seem to feel thats impossible? Buddy I wish you could hear yourself how I am hearing you. I wish someone would have slapped the **** out of me every time I said that when I was younger. Seriously slapped me so hard my ears bled. Because when I look back on my life I would LOVE to have gotten back all the time I wasted being some dumb attention-whore's "Friend". From another angle if you want to be her friend. . . be her friend. BUT THAT'S IT! Do not hold on to hope that there is anything more gonna happen. Do not treat her any differently than one of your guy friends. You sure as hell do not let her think that you consider anything other than friendship. The moment she knows you hope or consider anything more she has your balls wrapped around her finger. You are not as cool, laid-back and nonchalant as you sound. I am not saying this to be mean. I am saying this because what you perceive as "Playing It Cool and Seeing Where It Goes" she sees as hes a panting puppy dog and putty in my hands. I would love to be wrong however. . .
Author mauserman Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) Like I said we have not talked about it that much.. She's told me they have fought, some of which caused problems with the law. She told me he has also been physically abusive. She's been living with him for short time but said she is moving back in with her parents. One of her friends also told her that he was cheating on her (she didn't say if she ever found it to be true). She hasn't directly told me that she IS going to leave him. Only telling me it "might not last much longer"... I Wish I knew for sure or not. And if it's not obvious..she is young, almost 19. I think that has a lot to do with things (which isn't necessarily bad to me). This is her 2nd relationship. It's lasted about 5-6 months. Edited March 25, 2013 by mauserman
outsidethebox Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I don't agree, I don't see the problem. Let her talk. She wants to. if she hasn't mentioned, casually ask if she's back home yet. She will tell you everything you need to know. She has already told you everything you need to know. I would not talk about your relationship, speed, etc etc. You are her rock. Let her lean on you. If for any reason she isn't doing what she said and just wants to complain about the guy, refers to him as a bf in any way, which I don't believe will happen, then need to steer away from that and keep lunch light and short. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Do you talk with your other coworkers about their problems with their boyfriends? Or is she the only one with whom you occasionally engage in these chats about how her live-in boyfriend (that she has yet to leave) does her wrong? Many women, when they are genuinely interested in dating a particular guy, make a point not to discuss other guys around him. The goal is to give the impression that she is free, unencumbered, available, and eager to date him. When a woman uses you as her shoulder to complain about some guy she's actually dating, you're a loyal friend, who'll be there whenever she needs you, but not someone she takes seriously as boyfriend material. ...She hasn't directly told me that she IS going to leave him. Only telling me it "might not last much longer"... I Wish I knew for sure or not. She knows you like her and are hoping things play out in your favor. Unfortunately, the only person who thinks you're playing it "cool" is you. You're choice to allow yourself to be strung along. Understand that even when she breaks up with him, you are unlikely to be her next boyfriend. Realistically, at best you might hope to be a brief stopgap if she doesn't quickly find another boyfriend. Many people would find all the possibilities in this particular situation unappealing.
Author mauserman Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Do you talk with your other coworkers about their problems with their boyfriends? Or is she the only one with whom you occasionally engage in these chats about how her live-in boyfriend (that she has yet to leave) does her wrong? It's difficult to disclose everything exactly the way it happened on here, so I can understand your point. But I just learned about all of this one day after she let me know she was interested in me..and she didn't come up to me and cry on my shoulder about it. In fact it came out only because I kept digging. So it's not like I've been her loyal friend there for consoling. We literally have probably less than 3 minutes talking about her relationship together. I think outsidethebox has a good point...and that if she doesn't act on her words and ends up using me for a shoulder to cry on then I can get out. I never said I'm waiting on this girl..but I wouldn't mind exploring a relationship with her IF the circumstances were right. I just didn't know if I should have a serious talk with her about all this..but now I'm thinking it's best to keep my current friendship with her and see what she does. As well as not brining up anything about a relationship between me and her. Keep it casual. I know everyone is quick to look at the negative aspects (I'm not denying the plausibility of them), but isn't there a chance of a positive outcome? 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) Fair enough. I don't have the precise details, so you might not be her shoulder for support. Still, what's the positive exactly? That she may be actively looking for someone new while still in a relationship? Edited March 26, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
Author mauserman Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Well the positive would be things working out and starting a relationship..I do feel some sort of a connection with her but haven't really gotten the chance to know her and discover if there truly is a connection, as she's had the bf and I've kept my distance. And yes, I know that's not a very positive thing, looking for someone new while still in a relationship, but I think it kind of just happened. She's had a possible tool for a bf and we've just happened to become good friends while working together..she didn't really have to look far is what I'm saying. Kind of just right in front of her. I'm hoping I'll know exactly what's up after we have lunch Also, I haven't really said this, but thank you so much for all the advice. When you're in these situations it's hard to think absolutely clear, so I appreciate the questioning and counterpoints. Seriously thank you. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 You're welcome. I know it's not what you want to hear, but you've been very gracious about understanding that posters are indeed trying to help you and to prevent you from getting hurt. Bear in mind that people show their true nature at the end of a relationship, not at the beginning when they are trying to win you over and it's all rainbows, smiles, and pretty pixie dust. Rather than do the honorable thing and break up with her boyfriend since they are purportedly incompatible, she's chosen instead to malign his character, pursue opportunities with other guys while living with him, have exploratory lunches, and possibly cheat on her current boyfriend. What she does to him, she will most likely do to the next guy. A leopard never changes its spots. For many experienced daters, she's an unappealing choice and they would steer completely clear of her. Perhaps you prefer the personalized learning experience she offers. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I don't see much wrong with hanging out, as long as nothing at all is happening. "Should I tell her to leave her BF" (before you screw around with this girl) uhh I dunno, do you have ethics or don't you? If you don't have ethics, do whatever you want and heck if I care. If you do, then how about something just stating that you aren't going to do anything with her while she has a BF. A statement of your principles, not ordering her to leave her BF. 1
todreaminblue Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 The only way to verify if what she says is true is to talk to the guy she isnt supposed to be in a relationship with,Before you do anything clarify......that fact, it will ease your mind and if she truly wants a relationship with you it should be no problem....if she umms and ahhs its probably because there is something going on.....if she says outright no you cant talk to him....i wouldnt try ...he probably has no idea that she is cheating and you will end up with bruises..clarify when you feel uncertain.......deb
Author mauserman Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 So I just wanted to update...things have progressed. She has told me she wants to kiss me, but she didn't make any moves when she had the chance. I've told her I won't do anything like that until she's single.. Well she is officially done now, moving out and single. She knows I don't want a rebound and said she doesn't either..she's also said there is no going back. But I know I have to be cautious and still want to take it slow. But how slow is too slow? She's going to want to get more intimate quick...will it turn her off if I don't go along right away?
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