flyebye Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Am I overreacting? I have been been dating a girl for a few months now, and she has a tendency once in a while to convey "lighthearted, playful insults". After work last night, I got home, opened up IM and initiated a chat with her before bed, as has been our custom. She greeted me with "Hi ****head". I was offended, although she says that she is just being "playful" when she says those things. My immediate reaction is to withdraw, as I feel like the mood has been killed. I don't know how to respond to this kind of playfulness. What am I supposed to say in return? She caught my discomfort with it, and is now mad at me, saying I need to "lighten up". I feel that words has a specific meaning, and couldn't imagine conversing that way with someone that I have a romantic interest in. I could possibly see a place for it in context - say a water fight, or some other competitive activity, but as an opening greeting with the other? It feels wrong to me on many levels. Am I being too anal about this? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 It feels wrong to me on many levels. It would to me, too. Even worse is that when you let your gf know you don't like it, instead of aologizing and changing her behavior, she makes it YOUR problem. In my experience, people who insult someone, and then tell the protesting party to "lighten up", will not understand how offensive they are for a LONG time, if ever... Am I being too anal about this? Did she call you a sh*thead? <snork> Link to post Share on other sites
Author flyebye Posted April 28, 2004 Author Share Posted April 28, 2004 Yes, a "Sh*thead". In truth, I do think she meant it as an "affectionate insult", but the concept of such a thing still bothers me. Here is a repost of our convo for clarity: her (9:11:43 PM): so what's new? her (9:11:47 PM): ****head me (9:11:54 PM): what me (9:12:08 PM): why did you call me that? her (9:12:22 PM): i'm playin with ya me (9:12:28 PM): i don't like that kind of playing her (9:12:38 PM): ok her (9:12:48 PM): sorry me (9:13:15 PM): I'm going to walk the dog. I'll be back in a bit. As you can see, she did "apologize" after saying it, but has been giving me the cold shoulder all morning and is quite pissed off about it. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 my bf does this too, not nasty names but since i smoke he calls me a gross smoker and tells me i stink and am poison, then the wine i likehe tells me is rotgut and white trash drink it....he calls me a little shoplifter cause i take a brachs candy from the bin at the grocery store- but i buy it too! stuf like that, he thinks he is being funny and slightly annoying, it pisses me off. So i told him that it hurts my fellings when he says snide little remarks like that, and yeah if he did it just one time ever...it may pose some cute value- but whenm it is all the time..it makes me feel like i am a no good person and he is king and CAn show me my evil ways. Just tell her it is not cute...how would she like it if you called her cock-breath or funky cunt? probably not much....remind her of the golden rule: to treat others as you would have them treat you. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Tattoomytoe -- were you sneezing when you replied? You usually don't have so many typos! Anyway, I agree. That seems like its beyond being cute or playful and she should respect that if she cares about your feelings. I also think that you should talk to her in person, or at least over the phone, about it and not leave it up to IMs to convey your feelings on this matter. Tone of voice and phrasing make a big difference in a conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Originally posted by HokeyReligions Tattoomytoe -- were you sneezing when you replied? You usually don't have so many typos! something like that i guess! i just get to typing and i swear these keys move around! plus i hate spell check! i agree with hokey too...im-ing can be a disaster, since you do not know the tone in which the statement was delivered. Doe she say these things on the phone or in person? Link to post Share on other sites
Kelebek Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Too right - on the internet, it isn't always possible to work out what tone someone is using, and things can be taken the wrong way. However, I don't think you're overreacting - noone likes to be called a sh*thead when they're talking to their bf/gf before bed! Have you been seeing her for a long time? I know you say a few months...but is it a good few months or only a couple? I ask because maybe she still gets nervous around you and doesn't know any other way to talk to you...I think a lot of people do that when they're nervous, and think they're being funny. Hell, I've done it a few times, and until it was done back to me I didn't realise that it's NOT funny. Also, sometimes people like to think that they're close enough to someone to say things like that without it being taken the wrong way...has she ever done it in front of people? Cos sometimes my friend says stuff like that to her boyfriend to kind of show off the fact that she CAN; does that make sense? I've tried to stop her though as it's embarrassing for him, and her! And everyone else too. In your IM conversation you made it clear how you felt, I think that was really good. I bet she's probably feeling a bit crap now, to be honest. Has she done it since? You haven't done anything to deserve being called such names...the guy I'm seeing sometimes calls me "ya dafty" (scottish for "silly/crazy") which is harmless and funny and kind of a term of endearment....but sh*thead is taking it too far. The next time she says it, ask her what you did to deserve it!!! She'll feel pretty stupid, I bet!! You're not being anal at all, and you're NOT overreacting. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 I actually think you're wrong on this. But first off, let me say...it's all in the personality. I like girls with a little spunky playfulness and some cursing isn't all that bad. Let me also differentiate spunky with vulgar. Some girls can use obscenities but not come off obscene...some girls don't have to but still come off obscene/vulgar. This playfulness is a part of her personality. Surely you would have known this going into a relationship. You would assumedly know the context of the playfulness by now. That said, let's look at your transcript: her (9:11:43 PM): so what's new? her (9:11:47 PM): ****head me (9:11:54 PM): what me (9:12:08 PM): why did you call me that? her (9:12:22 PM): i'm playin with ya me (9:12:28 PM): i don't like that kind of playing her (9:12:38 PM): ok her (9:12:48 PM): sorry me (9:13:15 PM): I'm going to walk the dog. I'll be back in a bit. So, she's just playing with you and apologizes when you acknowledge you don't like it. Worst of all you say you're going to walk the dog and will be back in a bit, message there is that the dog is more important and she can wait. Basically, someone apologizes and you ignore them. Her behavior afterward is understandable. It's not that you're being anal about it, but you left out certain key things...that dog walk should have waited well after her apology. Link to post Share on other sites
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