Flirting while in a relationship...is it ever ok?

[kaygato]

I'm with my first boyfriend ever and I'm feeling really sad and confused about where our relationship is at. We broke up once a little over two years ago for 8 months. He was the one who did the breaking up, although he did it because I was expressing doubts about our relationship. I still feel a bit embarrassed about that and wish I would have been the one to dump him ( I was thinking about breaking up with him anyway).

 

One of the recurring issues in our relationship for me is that I'm not very attracted to him. I have an a very low libido, but I don't think it's just sexual attraction that's the problem. I'm also have been feeling kind of disconnected from him mentally/emotionally. When we first got together I felt like he was easy to talk to and we had stuff in common, but now I sometimes feel bored and I don't feel like he appreciates what I have to say. However, the lack of sexual attraction thing i think is just me. I've never been sexually attracted to another person (I've been romantically attracted), and masturbating is kind of pointless for me. I'm only 20 so it does bother me, but I have a doctor doing tests for me and stuff.

 

The other issue is we just went on a trip with some friends and I met a new guy in the group and started feeling like I liked him. Then little things my boyfriend did started annoying me, and I was feeling like this other guy was a better person for me than my boyfriend. I'm now facebook friends with him, and there's actually a little more to the story but from observing him he's done some obvious things that make me think he likes me at least a little. I could be reading it wrong though.

 

Now, unless I choose to continue to talk to this guy and stay friends with him, it's unlikely our friendship could develop further (the awkward part was he seemed to get along with my bf as well) since he doesn't live super close to me.

 

I don't really want to dump my boyfriend to date this guy. But I would like to get to know him further and possibly flirt a little. My boyfriend really is a good guy with a lot of great qualities, and I sort of glossed over that. I realize that flirting with another guy while exclusively dating someone else is kind of a fine line between cheating and just being friendly. And I don't even know if this other guy would want to be facebook "buddies" with me either, he might not want to cause a problem.

 

This is just a really dumb rant. Honestly, I don't know what I should do. I'm going to be transferring to another school in about a year and he will be around that time too, so i'm not sure we should stay together long term anyway. Unless we go to the same school, but even then I might study abroad. I guess in a way I want to "have my cake and eat it too". I wish we could break up on good terms so that there would still be a chance we could get back together down the road. But right now I find it too distracting and I have too much crap I have to sort out to be in a long term relationship. These are my feelings. I'm just so scared if I told my boyfriend he'd never want to speak to me again and I'd lose him forever. I sort of wonder if developing a crush on this other guy is telling me I'm not happy.

 

Let me repeat, I don't want to date this other guy. I don't think he'd be a good guy to date as he seems to not be looking for a relationship right now.

 

Please help me sort out my mixed up thoughts and feelings.

[will1988]

I'm with my first boyfriend ever and I'm feeling really sad and confused about where our relationship is at. We broke up once a little over two years ago for 8 months. He was the one who did the breaking up, although he did it because I was expressing doubts about our relationship. I still feel a bit embarrassed about that and wish I would have been the one to dump him ( I was thinking about breaking up with him anyway).

 

One of the recurring issues in our relationship for me is that I'm not very attracted to him. I have an a very low libido, but I don't think it's just sexual attraction that's the problem. I'm also have been feeling kind of disconnected from him mentally/emotionally. When we first got together I felt like he was easy to talk to and we had stuff in common, but now I sometimes feel bored and I don't feel like he appreciates what I have to say. However, the lack of sexual attraction thing i think is just me. I've never been sexually attracted to another person (I've been romantically attracted), and masturbating is kind of pointless for me. I'm only 20 so it does bother me, but I have a doctor doing tests for me and stuff.

 

The other issue is we just went on a trip with some friends and I met a new guy in the group and started feeling like I liked him. Then little things my boyfriend did started annoying me, and I was feeling like this other guy was a better person for me than my boyfriend. I'm now facebook friends with him, and there's actually a little more to the story but from observing him he's done some obvious things that make me think he likes me at least a little. I could be reading it wrong though.

 

Now, unless I choose to continue to talk to this guy and stay friends with him, it's unlikely our friendship could develop further (the awkward part was he seemed to get along with my bf as well) since he doesn't live super close to me.

 

I don't really want to dump my boyfriend to date this guy. But I would like to get to know him further and possibly flirt a little. My boyfriend really is a good guy with a lot of great qualities, and I sort of glossed over that. I realize that flirting with another guy while exclusively dating someone else is kind of a fine line between cheating and just being friendly. And I don't even know if this other guy would want to be facebook "buddies" with me either, he might not want to cause a problem.

 

This is just a really dumb rant. Honestly, I don't know what I should do. I'm going to be transferring to another school in about a year and he will be around that time too, so i'm not sure we should stay together long term anyway. Unless we go to the same school, but even then I might study abroad. I guess in a way I want to "have my cake and eat it too". I wish we could break up on good terms so that there would still be a chance we could get back together down the road. But right now I find it too distracting and I have too much crap I have to sort out to be in a long term relationship. These are my feelings. I'm just so scared if I told my boyfriend he'd never want to speak to me again and I'd lose him forever. I sort of wonder if developing a crush on this other guy is telling me I'm not happy.

 

Let me repeat, I don't want to date this other guy. I don't think he'd be a good guy to date as he seems to not be looking for a relationship right now.

 

Please help me sort out my mixed up thoughts and feelings.

 

You can repeat everything all you like but it is clear you are not in love with your BF anymore, and yet you are starting to get feelings for this new guy. Even if you do not, under any circumstances, want to date this new guy, then you should at least dump your boy friend and spare him future pain down the road. I'm assuming he is your first real love, right? You are getting into the stuck phase, being 20 years old you are way too young for that. Leaving your BF will hurt him in the short run, but it beats you all dating much longer and you possibly cheating on him or dumping him down the road.

[kaygato]

I just feel like if everyone dumped their significant other or spouse when they no longer felt "in love" with them, the amount of successful partnerships and marriages would be nonexistant or at least very low. No one is "in love" with their partner throughout their whole lives. Before meeting this guy, I was happy with our relationship. I guess I still wanted to possibly break up once we transferred away from our junior college. I feel I have too many issues to work through before I can settle down with someone. I'm almost 21, and I want to have adventures and explore the world while I'm still young.

 

The guy I met seems like a cool guy, but I think it's a case of grass is greener syndrome. Or maybe not...I certainly seemed to be looking for his attention instinctively, without really realizing it. Although I think I was the same way with my bf when first getting to know him.

 

I feel really sad and don't know what to think. I don't think I can break up with my boyfriend now, not when I'm uncertain of what I want. I feel like I should wait until I have definite plans for transferring to a university and see how I feel then.

 

I just want more opinions and experiences if anyone has them. Sometimes I feel myself thinking monogamy sucks. Especially when you're young. I honestly could see myself really wanting to commit myself to my boyfriend in the future, but now I'm feeling tied down. It's hard to have to always consider someone other than yourself when you're still young and trying to put your life together. We'll have been together 4 years by the end of July, btw. Well not counting our breakup of several months 2 years ago.

 

Am I just lying to myself? Am I a terrible person for feeling this way? The worst thing is if I told him my thoughts I don't think he'd understand.

 

Also, because it's relevant to the discussion, his parents are most likely getting divorced and so his home life is pretty dysfunctional. I'm basically his only major support system.

[kaygato]

^ BumpBumpBumpBump^

[tbf]

It sounds like you're trying to rationalize cake eating. Not going to happen, at least from me. Do yourself and your poor boyfriend a favour. It's time to move on before you traumatize him.

[iKING]

It sounds like you're trying to rationalize cake eating. Not going to happen, at least from me. Do yourself and your poor boyfriend a favour. It's time to move on before you traumatize him.

 

Choose one or the other and stick to it.

 

I can see this situation getting really messy.

[Lani]

To me, a little harmless flirting when you're in the same space as someone is fine.

Then befriending them on Facebook, and flirting through there, is not ok. It takes the whole thing further, and it's not just for a little moment of feel good attention.

 

In my opinion, you should break up with your boyfriend. You're clearly not sure whether or not you want to be with him, which history tells me means you shouldn't be there.

 

Whether or not you pursue anything with this other guy is another story altogether. Break up with your BF, and see how you feel then.

 

Plus, at the end of the day, you're only 20. Live a little, no need to be taking everything so seriously.

[TheGuard13]

There's not much wrong with flirting. But when flirting leads to an emotional affair (getting to know them better), that's a problem.

[sharklazers]

I just feel like if everyone dumped their significant other or spouse when they no longer felt "in love" with them, the amount of successful partnerships and marriages would be nonexistant or at least very low. No one is "in love" with their partner throughout their whole lives.

 

Yeah, but that's not really the problem in this case is it?

 

My advice, dump your bf and forget the other guy. You're trying so hard to never have to be single for even a moment. It's not even a cake eating situation, because you don't really want both guys at the same time. It doesn't even seem like you want either of them. To me it looks like you just want to get out of your current relationship but you don't want to spend even a second being single so you're latching on to this new guy.

 

Learn to be okay being single. Figure out what you really want and have some standards.

[kaygato]

Yeah, but that's not really the problem in this case is it?

 

My advice, dump your bf and forget the other guy. You're trying so hard to never have to be single for even a moment. It's not even a cake eating situation, because you don't really want both guys at the same time. It doesn't even seem like you want either of them. To me it looks like you just want to get out of your current relationship but you don't want to spend even a second being single so you're latching on to this new guy.

 

Learn to be okay being single. Figure out what you really want and have some standards.

 

I do have standards...I waited til I was 17 to date someone. If I was that uneasy about being single I would have gotten a boyfriend earlier than that. I could have if it had been a priority.

 

I don't know, you guys are quite quick to judge me. I haven't acted on any of my thoughts as far as this other guy is concerned. Yes I friended him on facebook but I don't talk to the majority of my facebook friends.

 

You guys are making me feel really defensive. I posted here for support and to have an interesting discussion. I'm trying to understand my thoughts better. I think the world of my boyfriend.

 

I really do appreciate the advice, but you don't have to be so accusatory in your delivery. You don't know me in real life.

[clia]

Before meeting this guy, I was happy with our relationship. I guess I still wanted to possibly break up once we transferred away from our junior college. I feel I have too many issues to work through before I can settle down with someone. I'm almost 21, and I want to have adventures and explore the world while I'm still young.

 

Oh, I can relate! I had a boyfriend from ages 16-20. I loved him, adored him, thought he was everything. We had a great relationship. But things had gotten stale and slightly boring after I went away to college. Certain things he did annoyed me. I wasn't sure that we were heading in the same place in life or wanted the same things. While I was away at college, I started meeting other guys. I started looking around and realizing that there was a whole world out there for me to explore. I wanted to travel, to move away from home, to do things.

 

Ultimately, I broke up with my boyfriend during my junior year in college and never looked back. I think of him fondly -- he was my first love. However, breaking up with him was the right thing to do. Had I stayed with him, my life would be completely different right now. He got upset (understandably) and never spoke to me again. Que sera, sera. I have no regrets.

 

You need to be honest with your boyfriend about what you are feeling. Have a discussion with him. If he "hates" you for being honest with him, then so be it. It is what it is. Maybe the two of you should take a break. It might just be "grass is greener." But probably not. I personally agree with the other posters that you need to break up with him. You don't sound happy and your eye has started to wander. I know that feeling well. You are young and you are going to change so much in the next five or six years you won't even recognize yourself. There is no reason to be tied down. You just have to decide what you want to do and then do it. The alternative is to stay in a situation that doesn't seem to make you happy...and why would you do that?

[kaygato]

To me, a little harmless flirting when you're in the same space as someone is fine.

Then befriending them on Facebook, and flirting through there, is not ok. It takes the whole thing further, and it's not just for a little moment of feel good attention.

 

In my opinion, you should break up with your boyfriend. You're clearly not sure whether or not you want to be with him, which history tells me means you shouldn't be there.

 

Whether or not you pursue anything with this other guy is another story altogether. Break up with your BF, and see how you feel then.

 

Plus, at the end of the day, you're only 20. Live a little, no need to be taking everything so seriously.

 

My boyfriend means so much to me. And I'm being honest when I say his home/personal life is bad right now. If he wasn't stuck at home, I wouldn't feel so bad, but I still live at home as well and I can't think of a good reason for us to break up. My boyfriend is the type of guy that wouldn't want to rekindle a friendship with an ex, especially one who broke up with him just for the heck of it. What I'm trying to say is our relationship is mutually beneficial, I'm just feeling sort of unfulfilled.

 

As far as taking things seriously, that's how I am. I think objectively about things, and am a cautious person. I would like to change somewhat, but it is what it is. It's something I need to work on.

Edited March 12, 2013 by kaygato

[kaygato]

Thank you clia. It's nice to know you understand my situation.

[Cutiepie1976]

Sometimes feedback is tough and can feel harsh, but please remember that posters here are genuinely trying to help you.

 

The two guys are totally separate issues. It's irrelevant what you decide to do with the other guy. Let's focus on your boyfriend.

 

You are not "in love" with your boyfriend. You love him as a friend or as a brother. There is nothing remotely romantic or sexual in your interest for him. That's why he annoyed you so when you spent extended time together on your trip. At some point in your dating life, you are going to have to learn to call it quits when a relationship has run its course. Breaking up with someone doesn't make you a bad person despite what you think. Most dating is not meant to be for a lifetime.

 

Dating exists to help you figure out who you are, specifically what you need and prefer in a partner, and what you have to offer that person. It's an exploratory process in which you both figure out whether you have a romantic connection AND can meet each others' needs--in other words, whether you are a fit. Your boyfriend is incapable of meeting your needs since you aren't even attracted to him. Please let him go. He deserves that consideration. It's the kind thing to do. Neither of you will find true happiness with partners who meet your needs until you let him go.

 

The divorce rate is high in part because people (like you;)) cling to what they have even after it is clearly not right, try to force it to work, and then assume a marriage certificate and babies will help what is obviously a doomed relationship. I know you mean well, but it is a cruel approach for your boyfriend because his feelings and attachment to you continue to grow even though you don't really care for him that way.

 

There are different types of love and affection that need to be present between two people in order to have a healthy, happy relationship capable of going the distance. To simplify things grossly, you need romantic love (missing), friendship (present), community and respect (unclear, but might be lacking given your choices), and a certain level of selfless affection focused on meeting the other person's needs and making him happy (clearly present). In due course, you'll met someone with whom you share all aspects of love. Unfortunately, your boyfriend isn't it! Most people focus on romantic compatibility and ignore the rest. You have done the reverse.

 

Best!

[Ninjainpajamas]

My boyfriend means so much to me. And I'm being honest when I say his home/personal life is bad right now. If he wasn't stuck at home, I wouldn't feel so bad, but I still live at home as well and I can't think of a good reason for us to break up. My boyfriend is the type of guy that wouldn't want to rekindle a friendship with an ex, especially one who broke up with him just for the heck of it. What I'm trying to say is our relationship is mutually beneficial, I'm just feeling sort of unfulfilled.

 

As far as taking things seriously, that's how I am. I think objectively about things, and am a cautious person. I would like to change somewhat, but it is what it is. It's something I need to work on.

 

Thinking objectively and cautious is making you try to establish some security and confidence before making a move that you need to make.

 

You need to try and give people the same respect you would demand in this situation if you were in your boyfriends shoes. Imagine you ended up with this new guy you're talking to in the future, but he starts to talk to another girl behind your back because he's kind of over you, but doesn't want to lose it all making that gamble because he doesn't know if this other girl is available for quite interested.

 

It doesn't matter how good a person your current BF is on paper or what he has to offer you, you've got to move on from a relationship that you know you aren't emotionally invested in anymore. Many people usually line up something better because they're scared to make a move, but that usually just ends in a mess or the other person finds out you basically left them for another and he'll clearly see you with someone else...that would jeopardize anything in the future because he'd find out and you lied about whatever reason you gave him that it wasn't working out.

 

Tell your boyfriend you think it's time to move on from this relationship for you, you just don't have the desire or motivation to be in it anymore and you're young and want to be single.

 

He's probably going to kick and scream and cry about it, but that's the hard part...that's the part most people chicken out of, but it's honestly the best way to do it, because any lies or manipulation will either leave you being caught and looking like someone you think you are not, or just a liar.

 

At your age also, you're going to be interested in these kind of guys that "aren't looking for a relationship", it's best you learn the your lessons on that while you're still young and have some time to burn.

[kaygato]

Why do you guys advise me to break up with him, when I've skimmed through threads in the marriage section where people were being encouraged to stay in marriages that are far more dysfunctional then my relationship? Look guys, as far as attraction goes, I'm not attracted to anyone. I didn't want to go into this because i'm ashamed of it, but i have depression and ADD. The main features of my depression are irritability/moodiness and basically not feeling emotions as deeply as I used to. I don't get enjoyment or excitement out of anything, really. It started in my early teens and it really sucks. I'm trying to find solutions to it. I have explained it to my boyfriend, but he doesn't really get it and so I haven't recently.

 

This other guy- I feel for him exactly how I felt for my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship. Just because you have initial sparks with someone doesn't mean you're capable of forming a deeper attachment. I know some might consider it immoral to date when like this, but I'm trying my best to figure out how to fix this and I don't want to be alone my whole life. He does bring a lot of enjoyment to my life (i know i'm contradicting myself, but I just can't feel enjoyment the way I used to).

 

The irritability and moodiness are pretty well controlled by a medication, but my spark for life hasn't returned. Sometimes I feel like a zombie. I'm not the girl you think I am, I'm not trying to use my boyfriend...I just can't trust my feelings because that's what I lack...feelings. There's a word for this symptom, its called anhedonia.

 

I got into this relationship before I realized the extent of my trouble. I honestly don't think I'd be capable of love feelings or attraction. The last time I experienced a head over heels crush was in 8th grade. When I started highschool was when the depression/anhedonia started. I also have no libido...I could go without sex of any kind for the rest of my life. And I don't enjoy sex of any kind either.

 

I believe all of your advice is fair, but i was really looking to get my thoughts down on paper, so to speak, and I didn't expect everyone to be on the same side. I live at home with my parents and don't have a job. I go to school but I don't feel like a real adult yet. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my depression makes me feel quite bad about myself, and makes life bleak and colorless. I just felt I had to tell you guys that because it's relevant, and I could use some support. I guess I wasn't expecting the advice I got.

[Lani]

I'm sorry to hear you struggle with those issues.

 

But I'm afraid my advice remains the same.

Even more so now that I know your boyfriend doesn't really understand you and how you do and do not feel. You deserve someone who understands, and he deserves someone who doesn't second guess their relationship because she's had a little flirtation with someone else.

That may be brutal, but it's the truth.

 

I think you need to be on your own for the time being anyway, to get yourself to a level you're happy with. Focus on loving yourself, and you may find you have more room for someone else than you initially thought you ever could.

 

You are only young, so this worry of ending up alone is premature. Give yourself a few years before you start worrying about that.

[kaygato]

also it would be really awkward for us to break up at this time because we're in a class together this semester.

[Lani]

also it would be really awkward for us to break up at this time because we're in a class together this semester.

 

Come on, that's no reason to stay together.

[kaygato]

I'm sorry to hear you struggle with those issues.

 

But I'm afraid my advice remains the same.

Even more so now that I know your boyfriend doesn't really understand you and how you do and do not feel. You deserve someone who understands, and he deserves someone who doesn't second guess their relationship because she's had a little flirtation with someone else.

That may be brutal, but it's the truth.

 

I think you need to be on your own for the time being anyway, to get yourself to a level you're happy with. Focus on loving yourself, and you may find you have more room for someone else than you initially thought you ever could.

 

You are only young, so this worry of ending up alone is premature. Give yourself a few years before you start worrying about that.

 

I don't think he's unhappy. I just asked him today. And I haven't flirted or talked to the other guy since the trip. It was a mission trip and my guy was there the whole time ... I don't know, I sort of regret making this thread now. I wrote it when I was in a bad mood, and i'm not like that usually.

[Lani]

The thing is, we all gave you the same advice.

And because that advice isn't what you wanted to hear, you're trying to backtrack.

 

Take our advice or not, it's your life.

[kaygato]

I know it doesn't really matter what you guys think. I just can't help but take it personally. I love my boyfriend, and the majority of the time i'm happy. I don't know if i'm ready to be really committed, but i'm 20 and as you said thats quite young. I just don't think it's time to part.

[Lani]

Experience tells me that if you're questioning something, then it's not right.

[kaygato]

I don't get why everyone is so against our relationship (bf & I), when it's a serious relationship and we love each other. I was in an awful mood when I posted my first post. I don't sugarcoat things...I don't lie to those I'm close to. Not about important things.

 

Our relationship has withstood a lot. We were long distance for a quite a while (about a year and a half). I said I wasn't very attracted to him, I didn't say I never was. We have sex, I use birth control (lol and I was raised catholic). I honestly can't help that I have a very low sex drive, but that doesn't mean we have no chemistry. My feelings for him are deeper than friendship. We're so alike in some ways, but so different in others. I think we compliment eachother. You guys don't seem to think so, however. I admit, I am looking for someone to validate my feelings. But I suppose you guys don't think the same way I do.

 

Not saying we'll be together forever, but that isn't a guarantee for anyone. I just can't help feeling like you guys are bitter based on past experiences or something. Or maybe not.

Edited March 14, 2013 by kaygato

[clia]

Why do you guys advise me to break up with him, when I've skimmed through threads in the marriage section where people were being encouraged to stay in marriages that are far more dysfunctional then my relationship?

 

Because you aren't married to him. Because you are 20 years old. I don't know what threads you are referring to, but I suspect most of those cases deal with marriages of many years that may involve children. Marriage is a whole different ball of wax than just being in a long term relationship -- especially at a young age. Your lives are not yet legally intertwined. You can just break up with him. Ending a marriage isn't so easy. Marriage is a commitment. People take vows. That's likely why some of the advice you are seeing relating to marriage is different than what you are seeing here.

 

It's your life. Stay with him if you want. We were all providing advice based upon what you said in your first post. Maybe you should go back and read it, because now you are completely backtracking and trying to act like things are so wonderful.

 

You felt unhappy enough to come here and post a thread about it. If you think those feelings are just going to go away, you are mistaken. They will only get worse.

 

Will it be hard and scary to break up with him? Yes. Will you cry? Yes. Will you miss him? Yes. But...will you be free to pursue what you want to pursue in life? Yes to that, too. You just have to decide how you want to live your life. If you want to convince yourself that he's the man of your dreams (despite what you posted in your first post on this thread), then by all means keep deluding yourself. In twenty years you will look back on this moment as a turning point in your life where maybe you should've made a different decision.