CryForNoOne Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Three topics because I’m conflicted about all three at the moment. I’m 41 and I started sleeping with a girl a lot younger than me – 27. I was totally upfront with her that I did not want a LTR. She said she was fine just being f**kbuddies while we both looked for relationships. Being from an older generation, it seemed odd at first but I went along with it. Turns out it is total BS. She’s madly in love with me and I see all the telltale signs. More so, I’ve begun acting like a jerk and it is just getting worse. I told her point blank about a girl I met a few weeks ago that I’m totally crazy about. I talk openly about all the girls I’m interested in. Our pillow talk is me droning on about other girls while she pretends to play the role of the sympathetic friend. Late last night she saw me out with 3 girls and sent me rambling texts afterwards – “what trouble are you getting into”, “can’t believe you’re making a move on her (mutual friend)”, “Stop!”, “whatever, it’s your life”, then cursing at me… A few nights before I was having drinks with her and her ex-roomate. Her friend was telling me about how she is in love with this guy but he won’t say he loves her or refer to her as a GF in public. It sounded like a story I’m all too familiar with. I decided to break the cold hard truth to her. I said “he doesn’t love you and he’s waiting for someone else better to come along”. She told me that gave her clarity. Next thing I know, a few drinks later, she’s hitting on me. Correct me if I’m wrong, alcohol or no alcohol, holding my hand the two times my FB wasn’t around, and telling me I have “warm soft hands” is pretty damn blatant. I said/did a couple other things that night which were typical confident / jerk stuff. I’ve been in a bitter mood as I got friend zoned by the girl of my dreams a week ago. So I’m filling the void by hanging out with tons of girls I know and the more I say things like I just don’t care, the more they are attracted to me. WTF! So the girl (and her 2 friends) I hung out with last night are even younger. Early 20’s, and she’s the youngest of all at 21. Her boyfriend is away for 3 months and she’s pretty lonely. She’s very cute and made herself available to me but I just couldn’t go there. 21 is just too damn young. But I’m astounded at what I can get away with these days – when I just don’t care. BTW though I’m 41, I look like I’m 25 so I fit right in with this younger crowd. They never seem to care about my age… So now to the girl who is “out of my league” so to speak. She’s the complete package and she knows it. When I was younger, I would have had a huge problem approaching someone like her, but at some point in my 30’s I hit my stride and now I have no problem at all. All through my 20’s I was the proverbial “nice guy” and only ended up with girls who were layups or basically pursued me. It kinda saddens me that once I stopped playing the nice guy, and started playing games I literally started getting 10x dates. Anyway, I met her at a bar, and used all my charms to wow her. We had instant chemistry, I got a date with her the very next night, and we stayed out all night both having a fabulous time. I was in full-on confident / jerk mode and she was eating it up. Then I decided I REALLY liked her. And the nice guy came out and two dates later I’m officially friend zoned. So what is the deal? Why do women all say they want nice guys but only go for the jerks. I’ve clearly been playing both roles of late and the results are the exact opposite of what I want to create. I look around and all I see are people who seem to want somebody (out of their league) and that object of desire doesn’t feel the same way. Men use those girls for sex while they look for someone else. The girls accept this horrific f**kbuddy BS which is just degrading to be frank. Meanwhile, guys pine after women they can’t have. Almost everybody is miserable and I think only 10% of couples are really happy. How is this vicious cycle broken… 2
JuneJulySeptember Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) I look around and all I see are people who seem to want somebody (out of their league) and that object of desire doesn’t feel the same way. Men use those girls for sex while they look for someone else. The girls accept this horrific f**kbuddy BS which is just degrading to be frank. Meanwhile, guys pine after women they can’t have. Almost everybody is miserable and I think only 10% of couples are really happy. How is this vicious cycle broken… Your anecdotal story was a bit confusing, but I guess this was your ultimate point. I do agree with you, about 99%. Most people want the best they can get in terms of looks and career/money (but mostly looks), so they aim high and get rejected or pumped and dumped or reject perfectly good people because they can 'do better'. The way to break the cycle is to value people for things other than looks and career/money. Say you are interested in a woman because you value the fact that she has an Ivy League MSW, likes to help autistic kids on weekends, is reliable, punctual, and giving, and tells great jokes, but is not great looking. Well, nobody is going to be competing against you for her because she doesn't have the things that society deems as commodities, which is ... looks and career. Or let's make it even simpler and just say you really click with a person and you have a lot in common. She might not be your physical ideal though. Screw it. Date her. THAT is the way you break the cycle. When you say you're too good for her and that you're not attracted, that is how you perpetuate the cycle over and over. Edited March 8, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember 1
dasein Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Sounds like you are really doing great. Bang the 21 y.o. She's an adult, that's not too young at all. Have fun, good luck and lay down your angst. You are able to attract hot young women at your age and are here down about one that FZed you? C'mon get over it.
Author CryForNoOne Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Or let's make it even simpler and just say you really click with a person and you have a lot in common. She might not be your physical ideal though. Screw it. Date her. THAT is the way you break the cycle. When you say you're too good for her and that you're not attracted, that is how you perpetuate the cycle over and over. So I've tried that. I've been in several LTRs lasting as long as 7 years. They always ended the same way. One of us leaving after several loveless years. I was with someone that I either didn't have a lot in common with or she wasn't my physical ideal. I'm looking for a rare combination. I've promised myself that I'm not going to allow myself to get into a dead end relationship for years again - I'm getting too old! Of course I find myself kind of in one again with my FB.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 That 10 FZ'd you because while you were in jerk mode, you didnt offer her stuff, you prolly made it look like you didnt care if she liked you or not, like you were auditioning her, like she had to impress you, didnt compliment her. It makes her work, makes you the challenge. When you really liked her, you turned into every guy that fawns over her, and its instantly boring for her, because she doesnt have to work anymore. Youre too easy, and you blend into the walls of mediocrity like the other guys that buy her flowers to earn the hweart of the 10. YOu have to wait a few months until she completely falls for you until you become the nice guy, and even then, you cant offer too much, make her earn your heart, keep her working for it, thats what they want. Thats just the way it is.
ja123 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Why not just be yourself? Then the right person for you will "see" you, and love you! The woman who FZed you wasn't right for you, so you should be happy that you found out so soon, and are free to meet the one who is!
Author CryForNoOne Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Sounds like you are really doing great. Bang the 21 y.o. She's an adult, that's not too young at all. Have fun, good luck and lay down your angst. You are able to attract hot young women at your age and are here down about one that FZed you? C'mon get over it. I don't know how old you are but when I was 25 and couldn't get a date on a Friday night if my life depended on it, I would have agreed with you. I'm actually in a pretty deep state of depression over this girl and am just filling the void with other women. It's like a temporary high when I'm with them and then I go right back to depression the moment I'm alone again. Sucks.
JuneJulySeptember Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 So I've tried that. I've been in several LTRs lasting as long as 7 years. They always ended the same way. One of us leaving after several loveless years. I was with someone that I either didn't have a lot in common with or she wasn't my physical ideal. I'm looking for a rare combination. I've promised myself that I'm not going to allow myself to get into a dead end relationship for years again - I'm getting too old! Of course I find myself kind of in one again with my FB. Everything is mental. Take two people and put them at a job as an accountant. One guy will completely hate it and loathe going to work every day. Another guy will go to the office, be friendly with his coworkers, make the work interesting, and enjoy his days as best he can. Same thing with physical looks. You can strive to find someone you think is completely beautiful and breathtaking or be completely happy with somebody that is moderately attractive but that you connect with. Really, that's just my opinion. Most don't share it. But you asked how to break the cycle and that is how.
Author CryForNoOne Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 That 10 FZ'd you because while you were in jerk mode, you didnt offer her stuff, you prolly made it look like you didnt care if she liked you or not, like you were auditioning her, like she had to impress you, didnt compliment her. It makes her work, makes you the challenge. When you really liked her, you turned into every guy that fawns over her, and its instantly boring for her, because she doesnt have to work anymore. Youre too easy, and you blend into the walls of mediocrity like the other guys that buy her flowers to earn the hweart of the 10. YOu have to wait a few months until she completely falls for you until you become the nice guy, and even then, you cant offer too much, make her earn your heart, keep her working for it, thats what they want. Thats just the way it is. Ya so night we met and first date was me dictating when and where. I intentionally let her "sweat" a little by letting her text me 40 min before to see if we were "still on". Later that night, she kept doodling on a napkin in the bar and I asked her "Do I make you nervous?" and she said yes. At that moment I was in total control. The next week I take her on a hike with a romantic picnic, wine, etc put her on a pedestal and it's all over. Somehow I thought we had passed the stage where I had to play games. Totally wrong...
mesmerized Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 You were friendzoned because she is out way out of your league and she knows it too, not because you were a "nice guy". 2
Author CryForNoOne Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Why not just be yourself? Then the right person for you will "see" you, and love you! The woman who FZed you wasn't right for you, so you should be happy that you found out so soon, and are free to meet the one who is! OK So I was myself for 15 years or so and I've had several women "love me". Been proposed to 3 times. The problem is I seem to only want women that I can get by "not being myself". I've only been in love once and that was a long time ago.
ja123 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I don't think you really know what was in her mind ... - maybe she just had her heart broken and isn't interested in a relationship; - maybe she had some other options, and preferred to explore another guy; - maybe she would have dumped you after the third date, even if you maintained that jerkish guise. It's premature to draw a conclusion that she dropped you because you were nice. Like I said earlier, just be yourself. Then the right one for you will show up eventually. Why would you want to invest in keeping up a guise anyway? To get and keep the woman you want, only to lose yourself? That doesn't sound fun in the long-term. Sure, I can understand for short term, it's fun to play such a role because it's a rush!!! But, for trying to develop a deeply intimate relationship, it won't work because intimacy requires authenticity. Where do you meet all these women? Maybe you need a different locale ...
ja123 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) The problem is I seem to only want women that I can['t] get ... OK, so how many women are we talking about here? Describe them. What did they look like? What type of careers? How did they act? What was so attractive about them to you? How long did you date them? How did it end, and why? etc. Edited March 8, 2013 by ja123
ja123 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I'm actually in a pretty deep state of depression over this girl and am just filling the void with other women. It's like a temporary high when I'm with them and then I go right back to depression the moment I'm alone again. Sucks. Depression is serious, if you are really depressed then consider reaching out for some professional help. How long had you know this woman before taking her out on that date when she doodled?
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Everyone is out of everyone's league. It's amazing the human race has managed to reproduce at all...
ThaWholigan Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Lol always from nice guy to jerk. There IS a medium, guys .
Author CryForNoOne Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 I think you are pretty degrading for what youre doing to these women. Any guy who boasts he treats his FWB's this way and is sleeping with 3 girls at the same time? Hellll no. Id run for the hills We had this conversation a couple weeks ago - remember LA hookup culture? I'm only sleeping with one right now. I never insinuated I'm sleeping with anyone else.
Author CryForNoOne Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Depression is serious, if you are really depressed then consider reaching out for some professional help. How long had you know this woman before taking her out on that date when she doodled? Met her Sunday night and took her out Monday night. Less than 24 hours.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 You were friendzoned because she is out way out of your league and she knows it too, not because you were a "nice guy". Leagues? LOL there are no leagues. He got friendzoned because he put her on a pedestal and she felt it.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Met her Sunday night and took her out Monday night. Less than 24 hours. Definitely into her wayyyyy too soon. I'm assuming you didn't bang her. Did you kiss her at least?
ja123 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Met her Sunday night and took her out Monday night. Less than 24 hours. OK, so you're bummed out about it, right? Not depressed, though. Maybe you're depressed for other reasons and this woman gave you such a 'high' that you came out of it for a bit. But the high isn't really really, you know that, right? It's infatuation, and infatuation doesn't last forever anyway. Maybe you should be with your void for a bit, listen to it, rather than filling it with FWBs that you ultimately find unfulfilling anyway.
Author CryForNoOne Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Where do you meet all these women? Maybe you need a different locale ... OK So I design video games for a living. It pays really well and love it but let's just say all work related functions are a total dude fest. I'm also the lead singer and guitarist in a band. So I meet tons of women through that bar scene. Not the groupies. Really most of my friends in that circle are bartenders, cooks, waitresses, actor types at all the nearby bars and restaurants. They all sort of hang out at the same late night places after getting off work - my regular gig twice a week being one of them...
ja123 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Are you the guy that made out in the car with the actress, then went on the hike? Is this the same woman?
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 OP, props for being 41 and snagging girls in their 20's. I'm currently 25 and do well with women. But I'm hoping to be like you when I get older. Player til I die baby! Hell yeah!
Author CryForNoOne Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Definitely into her wayyyyy too soon. I'm assuming you didn't bang her. Did you kiss her at least? Of course we kissed. I'm fairly certain I could have taken her home. It was 330AM and we were 5 min from my place and she told me she was "not tired and a night owl". I said to myself treat her right and not like a random hookup, so I stopped and that was the beginning of the end.
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