Why am I jealous of his friends

[AnnaGrey]

Hello, I am really hoping someone can help me here, this has been eating at me for a while.

 

Okay, so long story short, me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 years or so and we are in college. All my friends went away to different colleges, as did my boyfriends. We both stayed in our home town. Me and my friends harldy see each other and have drifted apart, so I am pretty lonely I guess you could say, but me and my boyfriend hang out a lot and keep each other busy, so I am used to seeing him quite a bit. Well, he started hanging out with this other guy here at home, not a lot, sometimes a couple days a week, sometimes none at all, it just depends. Also, when his other friends come in town he likes to hang out with them because he hasnt seen them (which I completely understand), but whenever he hangs out with either the guy here at home or with his other friends I always get jealous and I dont know why. The reasons I get upset are because:

1) When he hangs out with them I am left with nothing to do so I get really bored and feel left out. And also when he hangs out with them I feel like I am missing out on fun, and it sucks.

2) Whenever he hangs out with his friends they always do something really fun, like go to a game, or go to a party, or plays sports, or they find something to do. So I guess I feel like he always has fun without me, because whenever we hang out we just watch tv, or a movie, but nothing too exciting. Yes we have tried doing fun things together, but there really isnt much to do here, the stuff he does with his friends wouldnt be fun for us to do because it is usually guy stuff that guys dont want to do with their girlfriend.

3) Sometimes he will ditch me for them and use the excuse: "Well I never get to see them, and I see you all the time". I dont get mad that he hangs out with them i just get mad at how he handles it, by just ditching me and not understanding why I get upset. I am the kind of person that likes to know what i am doing ahead of time and i hate when something goes not as planned, but he likes to change his mind on a whim, not caring how it affects me and my plans for the day.

 

So I guess what I am wondering, is it bad that i feel like this? Should i just keep my mouth shut and let him see them whenever he wants because they are his friends? I am not necessarily jealous of his friends, i am just jealous of the fun he has with them. And i think what I consider "quality time" is different from what he thinks. To me, watching tv while he plays on his phone is not quality time, but to him if he is in my presence it counts as "quality time" and he uses this against me whenever i get upset.

 

Please someone help me shed some light on the answer here. Any suggestions would be helpful. If you think I am over reacting, tell me! I need to know. Because at this point I dont know what to do and Im tired or having the same argument with him over and over. i cant help the way i feel, but maybe someone can help me learn better ways to deal with it so i dont start an argument every time.

 

Thanks.

[cosmicpanda]

Is there any way you can find something to do? like go to the bar have a drink? try to make friends so you can do the same thing back to him? and your not over reacting being jealous that he goes out all the time and you don't get to join in the fun. Im pretty sure in my relationship its the opposite as this one, and my bf just seems to find something to do like get baked and go out with his friend for doubie cruises.

[noble]

OP,

i dont think there is anything you can really do to stop feeling jealous about the fun he is having without you.. and to a degree, i think it is normal. I know everyone is going to say this but if you could turn the tables and make some friends of your own.. then you could be the one to choose to hang out with your friends instead of your boyfriend. that will make you feel a little more independent and empowered, and hopefully then you will be off having fun while he is missing you.

i deal with this issue with my boyfriend, because ive lost a lot of friends and hes really the only one i see. so when he goes out with his friends i feel really lonely, and bored, and miss him. during this time he doesnt really miss me because he's busy having guy time or whatever, so i can definitely relate.

i think its important to not let your boyfriend see that youre jealous or upset when he is hanging out with his friends. instead you should just act excited for him and pretend like you are happy that you have some alone time.

[clia]

If I may be blunt, you need to "get a life" of your own.

 

You are jealous because he is out having fun and you have nothing to do. If you are having your own fun and doing your own thing, you won't be jealous of him.

 

Stop waiting around for him to entertain you. Your solution is to have fun on your own. You say you are in college -- well, join some clubs or other groups on campus, go to some parties, and try to meet some new girlfriends to hang out with. Join some Meetup.com groups to make some new friends. Go do things by yourself. Go to the gym, go shopping, go ice skating, go to the movies, go try a new restaurant. Create your own fun. If you focus more on yourself, you will have less time to worry about what he is doing.

[AnnaGrey]

Thank you all for replying. I understand what you are all saying, I know I need to go out and make new friends, or join a clud, and I've tried. The problem is, I live in a small city with very limited activities which makes it even worse, and between work and school i have limited time which I spend a lot of doing homework. Weekends are usually when Im available. Ive have also heard and read from other places that if I feel this way about a boyfriend, make him feel the same by keeing myself busy and making him miss me. Turn the tables so to speak, not really as revenge, but a little eye opener, which I have tried. The only problem is that he dosent necessarily "miss me", dont get me wrong he loves me and he likes to see me and be around me, but if I make myself busy, instead of him sitting around with nothing to do, and being bored like I always am, he always finds SOMETHING to do to keep himself just as busy. Whether it be going to his uncles house, or going to the gym, or hanging out with his brother, the list goes on and on, he is very close with his family so that is an option for him. My problem is I dont really have any family members my age to hang around with, and a lot of my family lives out of town, so that option is pretty much out for me. My boyfriend is pretty laid back so he really doesnt ever get jealous or bored or anything, he just goes with the flow, and if I were to keep myself more occupied and more unavailable to him I dont think it would affect him at all, and he surely wouldnt "learn a lesson" from it. Believe me, Ive tried! Also, if he were to actually get jealous and start missing me, I doubt he would ever say anything to me about it since he made such a big deal about it when he was doing it to me. He wouldnt want to admit that he realizes how I felt and why i caused all of those arguments.

 

And as far as "getting my own life" trust me, I would love to have other activities to do for myself, but in this small boring town there really isnt much of a choice. I dont mean to whine or seem petty. Im just tired of feeling this way, it sucks. I just wish there was something i could do to help myself, or make him understand, yes ive tried to explain it to him also.

 

ugggh.. will it ever end.

 

Thanks again for replying!

[clia]

You're missing the point. "Getting a life" for yourself isn't about "making him miss you," "affecting him," "making him learn a lesson," or "making him jealous" or any of the above.

 

It's about YOU.

 

It just isn't healthy to have all of your eggs in one basket (him). Take his lead -- when you are bored, go find SOMETHING to do. If you don't have friends and have found it impossible to meet anyone, go do stuff by yourself. Seriously, it might feel weird and scary the first couple of times, but there is nothing wrong with doing things on your own and going places on your own. Or heck, take up a hobby. Teach yourself how to paint or knit or play a musical instrument or something. Start a blog or other website. Teach yourself how to cook. There are just so many options out there; there is no reason for you to be sitting around bored waiting for your boyfriend to entertain you.

[AnnaGrey]

You're right. I just need to suck it up and find something to do on my own and quit harboring grudges. It's very tiring to hold grudges, and tiring to constantly plan your life around someone else when they don't do the same. I always feel that I am adjusting my days and time around his, but I shouldn't be doing that. Once I find something, it will all get easier.

 

Thanks for your replies. They are much appreciated. More suggestions are are always welcome!