CudLRoo Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I'll try and keep this short. Known this girl at work since 2011, she's younger than me (in her 20s, I'm in my 30s) but has always made a fuss over me and always comes over to talk to me, is always flirty and gives me 'the eyes' like mad, and we just have that SPARK. She starts dropping many hints to me that she's single, 'needs a man', says she likes dating men over 30...and at that point, about six months ago, I start suddenly thinking "maybe, just maybe" and start to allow myself to develop an attraction to her (which was easy, 'cos she's extremely beautiful). I work awkward hours but we get to chatting and say we're gonna arrange a time to meet up, we never really get a chance but she gives me HER number in November and immediately starts bombarding me with txts/calls at all hours! It's all a bit of a surprise to me to have such a flurry of interest from someone so cute/sweet, especially one that asked ME for my number, so everything was ace in Dec/Jan., my confidence and inspiration were so damn high! So, we decide that as we've got time off in March, we'll do something then... Her recent history: Got dumped less than a year ago by a man who quit her for a job up north. Had two brief dates with rapey-type guys which left her shell-shocked. Back with her parents now, working part time, desperate to get a full-time job and move back out. Parents are domineering. So, anyway, over late Jan/early Feb I get hold of some good weed, and it's the 'creative' stuff, it makes me get all romantic when listening to music, and she calls me and I start getting a little full-on over the phone, I basically tell her that I love her, she's the light of my life etc. (UGH!!!) and then she tells me she needs space, she needs time, and says she can't be my friend for a bit, and then I (STUPIDLY) reply with a sarky comment the next morn and then she says she's changing her number and March is out now my heart feels broken. So, I think it's over. But then the next day, she's on overtime at work and I ask her if she's deleted me and she says she hasn't, she's just stressed and says she needs space etc. (AGAIN!) so I apol for being a spod and she says I'm a cool guy, looks deeply into my eyes, and that was that. Seen her about at work a minute or two here and there but have not had a chance to talk, it's hard to broach the subject where I work because there's so much gossip and we are both private people. So, I'm in emotional limbo. I haven't seen her for a week now, am off another week, all I seem to be doing is moping or crying and missing her. I feel like I wanna be dead all the time (don't worry, it's possible to feel that way without being suicidal!). She has my number, WHY can't she just get back to me, even to tell me to f*ck off?!!!!! It's the not knowing that hurts the most, though I guess I'm also afraid of whatever 'possibilities' my mind keeps conjuring up. Yeah, I've gone thru all the parameters, maybe she's seeing someone else/her ex again (he's been stalking her on chat), maybe she just finds me totally repellent now after I declared my feelings that night, maybe she's just a serial f*cker-abouter who I'm best off without...it's just...there's definitely SOMETHING there, we get on so damn well, 'thick as thieves' we've been described as. Am I just being a right mug here? I'm like a lovesick teenager, I can't believe I'm feeling this way at my age!
truth_seeker Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 You had your guard up, this girl keeps pressing you, you finally crack and now she disappears. I feel for you, man. Best thing to do is vent here but act cool around her. Pretend like it was nothing. It wasn't you - it was the weed. Laugh it off. Start chatting up other women. That will get her to want you again. 1
Author CudLRoo Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Cheers man, it was kind of what I was expecting. I'm a pretty good catch, I got maybe over-confident and started ASSUMING too much. Sucks to be a nice guy, I'm crap at playing such games (in fact, I'm usually so direct that I never have to play such games, anyway). I could just leave her like that and move on, but I have to work alongside her, I'll have to see her around and she'll KNOW now, I'll probably never be perceived the same way again. Funny, cos she's said on numerous occasions how she loved my honesty. But it's not being reciprocated, is it?
truth_seeker Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Give her the space she wants. Women like to be control and set the tempo. She was after you, she got you to crack. When you opened up she probably felt overwhelmed by your admission and was like, "Woah! I need some space!" So, don't take it personally. Women who ask for space usually feel vulnerable, not in control and confused. By backing off it will make her feel at ease and not have her back up against a wall. Play it like it was the weed talking, not you. In time she will come around. Let her come back to you.
Treasa Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Play it like it was the weed talking, not you. She may also be the type of woman who doesn't like it when guys are controlled by substances. I think I'd be creeped out and out of there if the OP did that with me.
Author CudLRoo Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Thanks man, so you reckon it might not *totally* be over? That's the thing - if I had got her number first, I would be more likely to think that she could 'dump' me like this, whereas as she pursued me, surely she must have some kind of feeling for me to offer me that privilege. It doesn't add up, which is why I still have a glimmer of hope, she has hinted about having feelings for me in the past but then gets hyper-closed up when I press the matter. Maybe it's my age, I just feel it's more an adult way to behave, but then I don't have a woman's mind(!!!!!!) I'm cool with giving her space, I just hope it's a fruitful endeavour 'cos otherwise I'm just getting messed about (and I'm getting too old for that). I just don't know how long to play the waiting game without losing too much dignity. Yup, might try the 'weed' excuse, should she get back in touch. One good thing about this breaky-heart stuff is the loss of appetite it causes, I can honestly say I've shifted all those Xmas pounds, viva girl-based anorexia!!!!
Author CudLRoo Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 She may also be the type of woman who doesn't like it when guys are controlled by substances. I think I'd be creeped out and out of there if the OP did that with me. I have factored that in, though it's part of who I am, everyone knows me as that 'crazy artist guy'. I admit it might not have been the best idea! Nice to have your input, the more brutally honest the better.
truth_seeker Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 She may also be the type of woman who doesn't like it when guys are controlled by substances. I think I'd be creeped out and out of there if the OP did that with me. I see your point, but I think the guy deserves some leeway. He acted stupid over the phone one time. Lets also not forget she kept pushing herself on him. Kinda weird for her to give him tons of attention then all of the sudden needs space. Can you say, unstable?
Author CudLRoo Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 ^I'm doing just that, don't want to make a further fool of myself. I guess if she wants me, she'll have to get in touch. If not, I know the answer. She's crazy mixed up, and potentially a tad unstable. Possibly BDD, she's down on her looks even though she's amazing-looking.
dasein Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Try to focus on other options and if you don't have any, get out and make some. In the future, as have posted many times... Keep your dating life binary. Keep yourself sane. Ignore noise. What I mean by binary is that when you meet a woman you find attractive who gives interest signals, stop right there and engage a somewhat mechanical dating process. Ask for her number or ask her out face to face for an interesting, active, specific time and date plan. If she says no, or makes excuses, stop again. Wait a week or so and ask out for a different specific, active interesting date plan. If she says no again without offering a specific alternate plan, move on to next. Women give out tons of noise that we interpret as interest and let it build up castles in the air in our heads. The true indicators of female interest are 1. she enthusiastically accepts your plans to do stuff together and alone, obvious dates. 2. She enthusiastically accepts respectful physical advances as the time is right. Everything else is noise, static, irrelevant. Ignore it. Texts, flirtation, things they say, ignore it all. In fact, avoid that type of contact until you are going out on dates with her. Avoids confusion and misunderstanding. Keep your process with new women binary and keep yourself sane. Do this and you won't ever have occasion to be in this type of purgatory, confusing situation again. Good luck. 3
Author CudLRoo Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 ^Some good advice there to chew over. Everything has been too nebulous, it's got out of control and my inner weakness is once again on show, why do I wallow in heartbreak, it has such a hold over me. I took too long, then went too overboard I guess. Not good. PS: "purgatory" indeed!!!
outsidethebox Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Doesn't make it any easier, but she did tell you she needs space (i.e. that's the end), she isn't going to contact you to tell you that. Ideally you are warm and friendly with her at work as a cute nice co-worker and don't consider anything indirect from her as hints she wants to change that. She didn't have any problem being direct about needing space. She will need to be that direct to change it. Still I sympathize. It's hard to let go of what you had hoped for. It looks like she just wanted to feel wanted in a safe way.
Author CudLRoo Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Aye, I hear ya. I just sorta didn't EXPECT this to happen, it felt like a shoe-in, a dead cert, my ego got the better of me, I started feeling invincible, just riding this huge wave of life (thanks, life, for reminding me what you're all about!) I nearly died due to a medication allergy just over a year ago and I've done a LOT of work on myself since then, all on my own, and I've surprised myself at my inner strength, it made me maybe too confident, thinking that if I could get better after THAT two-month episode, then nothing could stop me...though I forgot to factor in "love", didn't I? PS: Am I responding too much on here, btw? Just seems to help with the pain! 1
Author CudLRoo Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Gah! Just need to vent, argh! Been OK most of the day, seeing as I kicked off with a good chat to The Samaritans, now just getting WAVES of *her* in my heart n' mind!!!! It's a NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!! Worst thing is, considering all the close moments and good times we had, and the fact it's been over a week now, I'm kind of EXPECTING her to get in touch, purely through some kind of 'courtesy'. What I'm finding hard to take in is the fact that she doesn't *owe* me anything, and that she might not feel she does, either. I'm on my own, baby. Yeah, over a WEEK now. It should really have clicked for me by now.
Author CudLRoo Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Cheeses H. Kerheist, rolled a fat one and joined an online dating site out of spite, just PMed a French BBW who's exactly the same age as me, not a young 'un. Beats moping and crying like a bitch, doesn't it?
outsidethebox Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 French as in France, or speaks French in Quebec? If former, I assume she doesn't have Near Me set. Sounds like you've returned to the real world such as it is. Fun times.
Author CudLRoo Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Soz, was a bit too 'savvy' when I first joined this place back in 2007, someone said to hide my online stuff, I'm not from Quebec, I'm actually from the UK, and the woman in question is a UK-based French lady! Anyway, just got up, totally not interested at the mo, just got a huge emptiness in the gut with dry sobbing. Feel like I wanna do a System Restore of my mind/heart, maybe roll it back a couple of months to the point where I still had my guard up and wasn't smitten like I am now. Guess I'm in a p!ssed-off state right now, bar one silly phone call and one silly text, I was *golden* with her throughout. It counted for nothing, it seems (unless I'm being a tad melodramatic). It's all about 'unfair' right now. I'm pathetic. Man, I tried to put her off a lot, I remember saying to her in December "you're too young for me", and it seemed to make her chase like mad. It's not like I was the chaser here. Can't believe she stung me like this, that's the kicker, didn't seem the 'type'.
Author CudLRoo Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Damn, I seem to be treating this like a blog - apologies! Notice how all this cack has been affecting my HEALTH - don't eat, run down all the time, only get like four hours of sleep now as opposed the the usual eight, always feel sicky inside when I normally feel invincible (had this recurrent flu-type virus since all this cack's happened, I haven't been ill since 2011!!!) So, anyway, went to bed late, got up early when I just wanted to doze the day/pain away. Was hugely down to begin with so browsed a few threads on here and it took my mind off stuff. Actually don't feel quite as bad as I did yesterday, feel a little more motivation now, maybe I might do an online blog to keep my mind active, and maybe give myself something to look back on when I'm older and wiser. Also got a few 'wanna meet?'s on the dating site but my heart really isn't in it yet, though it's sort of odd how easy it can really be and that angle's not looking unattractive in the present fug I'm in(!!!!!!!!) I'm getting hot and cold thoughts about her now, despite me STILL sorta being fixated on the phone at times(! - I turn it off a lot now) She's naive, she's vulnerable, I feel really protective of her but at the same time it's really frustrating that she sort of sold me down the river like she did. I'm a valuable guy. I'm feeling a tangible sense of anger right now, though at the same time it's tempered with sympathy. Just too young, too silly for me, why do I WANT her? I approach life from an optimistic-yet-cynical, almost scientific standpoint, the science is wrong, it's clear to see!!!!!
Author CudLRoo Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Well, four hours on and still feeling a bit better than I did. Amusingly, I fell in love with a girl over a decade ago but she had a bf who was my good mate and that was that, now she's just popped up on POF! Still got that sick to the stomach feeling inside, it's hard keeping food down but managed to chow down on two burger sandwiches, I been feeling REALLY sick and malnourished the last month, only maybe been eating a sandwich a day(!) been getting no nutrition so my body is well-shot! Kinda feel a bit more angry now - hope this is a good sign? Just keep thinking "what a bozo" to myself, about her. It's sad, really, separating all the wonderful bits from the strife, but I guess it has to be done. Expect further instalments soon, my gut instinct is way off with this one.
Author CudLRoo Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Epic mood change in the last few hours, it's been around 300% and AGONY. Just been getting 'waves' in my heart, been shaking/juddering, been very nauseous, feel truly sick to the stomach. Feels like my heart is busting up inside, aching massively and I feel so anxious and lost. Hard to explain, it's a bit like akathisia (whereby you have too much nervous energy and can't release it properly), I'm just jittery and all over the place and I can't focus on ANYTHING right now, I'm just hoping this feeling subsides over the next few hours or the beer's coming out. It's a very cruel position to be in, this, and I know most of it is of my doing. I just can't believe she could be so heartless to me, 'cept I'm not even sure if she cares that much about me. She seemed to. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm being a wimp and a tool and a pussy and should just stfu. Gah, doesn't one get so silly and misguided when in such states? Found myself consulting an online 'Magic 8 Ball' over the matter, it gave a "97% probable" rate of success for 'us', lol - must keep the dream alive! Weak, I know, but also been thinking that maybe I'm making too big a deal of the matter, she definitely is under a LOT of stress, has been for ages, maybe it IS the space she needs....guys, am I just deluding myself here or do you *seriously* reckon there's any scraps of hope left? My last lady was older than me, I got SOME games but we were always pretty much 99% straightforward, this is some new shizz to me, how long til she misses me, IF she misses me?..... (Embarrassed now, can perceive how others might perceive me after this!) Anyway, I'll keep on posting as this seems to keep me in check for a bit. Apologies if I'm taking up space I shouldn't be.
outsidethebox Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 why aren't you contacting the love from ten years ago on POF?
Author CudLRoo Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 ^I did contact her, under an hour ago, just waiting for a reply. Funny, I remember being infatuated with her at the time but not really into her in THAT way, I'd love to catch up with her and find out what she's up to though she's still one of the 'chemical generation', and I got that stuff out of the way years ago (herb's strong enough for me). Maybe just hope for a chat and a coffee or something, if she gets back, not holding out hope but might be able to re-establish a bit of dimension within my mental world, plus would be an 'appointment' to keep me motivated and on the straight and narrow. Looks wise, and to be shallow, she isn't a patch on my current torturer, though. Another crap thing about this situation: it's very lose/lose. I keep thinking about this time last year, when I'd *finally* recovered from that horrible medical mistake, I was WELL again after 3/4 months out of it, I could feel the sunshine, hear the birds singing, I was 100% single and yet felt so happy and hungry for life. Bed, DVDs, books, games music, it was an amazing time to be alive. Now? It's a year on and I *appear* to have lost someone very special to me AND all the nice things I own that used to pass the time now have no meaning. I'm in exactly the same place I was in last year but now it just feels like a void. It's hellish. Whine, whine, whine!
outsidethebox Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 The ten years ago love is reality. Accept and embrace it... errr I mean her.
Author CudLRoo Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 ^Watch this space. To be honest, I think the purest love I ever felt was from my last ex, she still loves me, even nearly two years on. I KNOW I could go back to her, and she'd take me, and I always loved her, despite her nearly ripping me apart at points, she was a true friend to begin with, we were 100% faithful. But there's a lot of pain there, I'm scared of it, how I'd feel nowadays, and with my current 'love' it might be unfair on her because it might all just be a passing phase and I wouldn't want to half-heartedly commit and then change my mind and end up hurting her. In fact, the ONLY real-life person I'd really wanna talk about this with is her, yet I know if I told her of this she'd be absolutely devastated. Gotta admit, been shutting my eyes and thinking of her in the bed next to me, like the old days, how reliable and THERE she could be at times... It's...awkward. 1
Author CudLRoo Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 PS: Beer is helping. Only had two cans and the maudlin has been replaced with just a slight, whirring discomfort, easily bearable, it took a lot more this time last week. Feel a bit sad now I've inwardly decided to sort of head away from her, especially if there's a massive turnaround from her. "Maybe she's bluffing?", I keep on saying, all the while I'm building up contacts on the dating site. Oh, you silly cow, stop being so fckin dumb!!!!!!!! Anyway, part of the mope cycle has been broken, and that's good. PS: She's Indian, btw. UK Indian. Don't know if any cultural differences come into play when ignoring someone by text - but she's feisty!!!
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