On this Valentine's day, I hope you're happy and I hope I can move on.

[JohnZ622]

I'm a 28 year old male. On the eve of this Valentine's day, I hope to tell my story of joy, heartache, more heartache, and uncontrollable unrequited love so that I may finally close this chapter and break the clutch of Cupid.

 

This is a lllooong post. Thank you so much for your patience

 

I met Liz (pseudonym) in my graduate all residence. She first immediately caught my attention from afar with her grace and purity. She seldom wears make-up but her beauty in my eyes was more elegant and lovable than all the fashion models of the world Her dark blonde hair drape的 loosely on her shoulder, coupled with the gaze from her crystal-like blue eyes radiated an aura of charm, kindness, and natural beauty. Even to this day, I remember the exact circumstances of this far-away admiration. This is the day that she began to crawl into my heart.

 

With her on my mind, I took the courage to approach her during an event. I found her personality very attractive. We shared similar humor and values. However, I ran into her a few times afterwards and she didn't seem that interested in speaking to me more. This would be first of several times that she suddenly becomes distant after what I perceived was romantic interest.

I decided to let the matters drop but ran into her again a month later and she mentioned that she hasn't seen me in a while. She again re-ignited my interest and I went out of the way to be at places where I might "run into" her. Eventually at the end of 2012, we had a long Facebook chat for about 2 hours into the middle of the night. Some of the topics were very deep, flirtatious, and intimate. She jokingly asked whether I'm engaged and whether my family (I'm from an East Asian family) accepts white Americans.

 

So I decided to ask her out on for coffee (which seems by some American standard, is not actually a date?). We sat in a very private part of our school and had a 3 hour long conversation about our lives. I became engrossed in her joyous laughter and deep gazes. However, after this, she did not respond very enthusiastically to my texts.

A week later, we went out for a long brunch "date" (where I picked her up and paid). It was a memorable occasion but she again was not enthusiastic in communicating afterwards.

This hot&cold situation went on a few times. It was very strange because we were very flirty during our meetings and I made very strong hints that I like her and I saw strong signs that she liked me (legs touching, sharing food, asking about dating history, preferred types). She told me her family background (divorced) and how she doesn't trust people easily. It was during this period that I realized she became the number one priority in my life. My first waking thoughts are about whether she is awake and my last thoughts before slumber are concerns about how her day went. Everytime I laugh in the day, I wished that she was beside me to share in the joy. Everytime I have deep thoughts I wished that she was beside me to share in the discussion. My heart races furiously when I heard her voice and my hand trembles when I see her in person. My mind was completely impervious to every other girl.

After about one month and four long meetings, I bluntly asked her whether she likes me in a romantic way. I was utterly shocked by her answer. She said she currently sees us as friends. When asked whether she ever considered me as a boyfriend, she said she usually gets to know the person first before deciding on a relationship. I was a little upset but she wanted to remain friends and not break off contact completely.

This totally explained why she was cold between our meetings and never really made an effort to make time to see me. It totally devastated me when I realized that the times when I thought we were mutually missing each other were completely unrequited. Sitting alone in shock, tears began flowing uncontrollably. The reversal from happiness to utter hopelessness totally blind-sided me. I couldn't get any good sleep for about two weeks and had a very diminished appetite. This led me to lose about 5-6 pounds during that time. I could not concentrate on anything at work.

The one unlikely thing that I hoped for was that by continuing to be her friend and love her in secret, I can make a good impression and have her fall in love with me. They say that the longest distance in the world is sitting across from the person that you love unrequitedly. I wanted to stop loving her so I didn't initiate any contact with her. She would text me once every 3-4 days to ask how I was and we would have a very brief conversation.

I had moved out of our residence (for other reasons) so that gave me some room to wash her off of my mind. I tried going out and meeting other girls but it was difficult to be attracted to others when your heart belongs to someone else. I finally gathered the courage to see her again in at an athletic interest group (with others). It was a bit awkward and we didn't make as much eye contact as before.

The day before Valentine's Day, I started thinking about her again very intensely. I couldn't help but order some anonymous flower delivery for her. I didn't want to put pressure on her but I know she would appreciate having a secret admirer (which I would of course deny when asked).

This is my feeling for her: I just want to make her happy from afar, as a distant friend. But it's just so difficult to see her and not fall in love. This Valentine's day, I hope I can find the strength to move on from her. To find someone who will return my love so that I no longer have to subject myself to such torment.

But again, if I can move on, then it's probably not love, is it?

[Archgirl]

No sweetheart, it's not love - that's what you feel with someone who feels the same, I'm glad you still have that to look forward to. But that was a lovely beautiful thing you did for her.