I'm becoming physically unattracted to my Fiance'.

[goodmanz]

I'm currently 21 years old engaged to the mother of my son. I love her so much and every thing I do I do for her, but after the baby she's been gaining weight and being lazy and I'm physically becoming unattracted to her.

 

Feeling this way makes me feel tremendous guilt because I do love her, and I can't imagine my life with out her.

 

Maybe I'm just a shallow person. My life revolves around being healthy and being physically fit. As a natural bodybuilder / power lifter I'm in the gym usually 5 days a week, and I come home to her sitting on the couch eating greasy food and getting fatter while I make an effort to maintain my physical attractiveness and make healthier choices for her.

 

I could never tell her to get in the gym because she's already self conscious and it would break her heart if she knew I wasn't attracted to her anymore.

 

It's really taking a toll on our sex life because I feel like I'm just not enjoying it, I'm somewhat grossed out sometimes. I feel horrible for saying that, but it just isn't like it was before she gained weight.

 

I find myself looking at other women in a lustful way. I don't mean this in a conceited way, I get hit on by attractive women frequently and it's like torture sometimes.

 

Of course I would NEVER cheat on her because my love for her out weighs any hornyness, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm getting the sexual fulfillment that I want anymore.

 

What do I do? What do I say?

 

Any advice would be appreciated. I feel stupid asking on this forum, but I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

 

Sorry if I seem like a scumbag. You're probably right on about that.

[oldschool1]

You don't sound like a scumbag; you're just honest about something that you can't exactly tell your fiancée. I am a woman, and I have been there too!

 

If your fiancée recently had a baby, her body probably isn't back to where it was yet. Fortunately, at her young age, her body is likely to rebound. Motherhood often changes women's priorities, as they're thinking about the baby's well-being rather than their own. Physical appearance becomes a low priority.

 

Is your fiancée depressed in any way? I wonder if that is part of the problem.

 

In any case, you could certainly offer to take the baby off her hands while she goes to the gym, nail salon, etc... New mothers rarely have time to shower let alone work out! You could also cook healthy meals for her. I bet she'd appreciate that. By working actively to help her, you might find a new appreciation for her situation and inspire her to make healthier choices. It will also keep her from resenting you. I'm certainly not accusing you of any poor conduct, but it can be difficult for new mothers to see their ultra-fit boyfriends get fitter while they rear children with greasy hair and untoned thighs...

 

(I don't have any children, but I have watched many friends go through the aftermath of pregnancy!)

[Leigh 87]

Your not a scum bag.

 

Your love and respect for her her outweighs any hornyness - THAT says a LOT more than the fact you are not attracted to her anymore - which is NOT within your control.

 

....You are doing the right thing, you have came on here to talk about the problem at hand, instead of jumping into bed with the bevy of attractive women who hit on you.

 

You sound lovely:)

 

 

......You know the only sollution to this issue is her doing something about it.

 

You cannot spend your life with a person you are no longer attraccted to and do not enjoy sex with.

 

She would not want you to learn to live with being unhappy.

 

 

..........it may help that she is very attractive, facially; but that even if a super model were to gain this much weight, that you would not be sexually into her anymore either.

 

...Start off any conversation about weight with " honey, your very pretty"

[goodmanz]

You don't sound like a scumbag; you're just honest about something that you can't exactly tell your fiancée. I am a woman, and I have been there too!

 

If your fiancée recently had a baby, her body probably isn't back to where it was yet. Fortunately, at her young age, her body is likely to rebound. Motherhood often changes women's priorities, as they're thinking about the baby's well-being rather than their own. Physical appearance becomes a low priority.

 

Is your fiancée depressed in any way? I wonder if that is part of the problem.

 

In any case, you could certainly offer to take the baby off her hands while she goes to the gym, nail salon, etc... New mothers rarely have time to shower let alone work out! You could also cook healthy meals for her. I bet she'd appreciate that. By working actively to help her, you might find a new appreciation for her situation and inspire her to make healthier choices. It will also keep her from resenting you. I'm certainly not accusing you of any poor conduct, but it can be difficult for new mothers to see their ultra-fit boyfriends get fitter while they rear children with greasy hair and untoned thighs...

 

(I don't have any children, but I have watched many friends go through the aftermath of pregnancy!)

 

 

Wow, I didn't see it from that point of view. I mean we do have babysitters and I have tried to encourage her to go to the gym with me. I know that if she would simply commit herself I could have her in shape in a matter of months, but she'll start something then quit.

 

I suppose being a new mom does take it's toll, and I'm glad you pointed that out, because I don't want to be selfish about it, but at the same time being fit and healthy is something I've always been very passionate about and it somewhat eats away at me.

 

Another thing that scares me, is I see her mom and her aunts, and they're all obese and lazy. So in the back of my mind im thinking "she's turning in to that".

[goodmanz]

Your not a scum bag.

 

Your love and respect for her her outweighs any hornyness - THAT says a LOT more than the fact you are not attracted to her anymore - which is NOT within your control.

 

....You are doing the right thing, you have came on here to talk about the problem at hand, instead of jumping into bed with the bevy of attractive women who hit on you.

 

You sound lovely:)

 

 

......You know the only sollution to this issue is her doing something about it.

 

You cannot spend your life with a person you are no longer attraccted to and do not enjoy sex with.

 

She would not want you to learn to live with being unhappy.

 

 

..........it may help that she is very attractive, facially; but that even if a super model were to gain this much weight, that you would not be sexually into her anymore either.

 

...Start off any conversation about weight with " honey, your very pretty"

 

 

So as a woman you can kind of put yourself in her shoes. If I were to start the conversation off like that what then should I say to her with out overly hurting her?

 

I know to an extend it's unavoidable and it just has to be said. But I want to soften the punch as much as possible and express my concerns with out seeming like a douche.

[rys]

What do I do? What do I say?

if she's too tired, maybe you can volunteer to take care of your child, like an hour a day. was she active before? now, if she has time she'll be able to get fit.

 

if your child is less than 1 year old, be very very careful with your words post partum blues. don't say or do anything that will make her feel unattractive.

 

just give her a few hours a week for her "me" time. if she's into fitness, she'll get back on track. if she likes shopping, maybe she'll notice she cant in to her usual size. if she likes hanging out with friends, her friends will motivate her to get fit.

[tbf]

How old is your baby?

[goodmanz]

How old is your baby?

 

A little over a year.

[tbf]

Prior to the end of her pregnancy, how much weight did she gain?

[Ninjainpajamas]

First off...don't let what others say and how they feel about themselves make you feel guilty over how you genuinely feel and what you are attracted to.

 

Don't worry about people calling or judging you as shallow If they do, sexual attraction is not a choice, you're not guilty of anything...the people saying that are likely insecure about something and beating you over it because they fear being judged themselves. So don't be manipulated by that, they're being as judgmental as they people they are calling out.

 

The majority of people are often insecure about their bodies in some way shape or form, it is not your responsibility or obligation to make them feel secure in it other than encouraging and complimentary, it's ultimately impossible to make someone feel a certain way when they've already made up their mind about themselves. Especially when they've already thrown in the towel, there's absolutely nothing you can do or say to change someones psychological and emotional opinion of themselves, some people just even refuse to feel sexy regardless or attractive with weight and feel insulted if you do compliment them because they'll call you a liar.

 

So keep in mind, it is not your obligation to feel attracted or aroused by fat rolls and someone deliberately shoving down mounds of greasy foods in their mouth complaining about genetics. Especially as you work hard to maintain your healthy lifestyle.

 

To your specific issue however, weight gain and eating for women In my experience, tends to be very emotionally related. Therefore having the baby, other stresses and changes in her life can very well affect the changes in eating and her diet. She's got way more going on right now with hormones than men can experience in at least in that way...so try to be more understanding and sympathetic to her emotions, as men we're not typically as emotional and hormonal at default, not to mention having babies, you have to realize that's a lot going on with the human body, it's not just like taking a shet, once it's over you're done with it. And you both are young if she's close to your age, she's likely going to put on a few pounds anyway, it happens, many women tend to gain weight after pregnancy and as they age...early 20's it's much easier to be skinnier than your late 20's for most...people start racking up the pounds during their mid 20's from what I've seen.

 

As far as helping her with this issue...this should be your main concern, and you should still love her of course, minus the sexual attraction. You should be more supportive and talk to her about anything she may be going through emotionally and instead of hitting the gym and doing your own thing, help her out with the baby and be there and supportive for her as she made need your close support at this time...not saying you are being neglectful but this is not a time to be vain, your priorities have changed.

 

If things don't improve down the road, say after 3 to 6 to 9 months or so, and she hasn't made any effort or improvement to her life in terms of losing the weight then she's as time goes on you're going to have to realize that she's probably going to stick to this weight...I think I just heard your heart drop, but seriously, this is a choice she has to make for herself...if you tell her anything about her weight and comment on it, chances are if she's insecure about it anyway (and trust me she notices she's getting fat) and she will freak out, become horribly depressed and hurt, feeling unattractive, not sexy and all of that jazz. Women want to feel loved and accepted for who they are, but often times they can't even do that for themselves...that's why they so heavily depend on men for validation. So then on top of already how she feels...she's going to feel even worse...wonderful isn't it? but that's the way it goes.

 

Try to promote a healthy living lifestyle, do some of the cooking, recommend healthier choices over her junk food, try to do what you can to be supportive and emotionally attentive(LISTEN)...that will help her feel understood and supported instead of judged and criticized (maybe - depends on how insecure she is already).

 

This is real life, you signed on a dotted line by having a child with her, and because of your lack of inexperience in life you were not prepared for these kinds of changes in your relationship. You're going to have no choice but to give it some time and do your best to be loving and supportive. These are things you should have thought of and even discussed before hand...you can try poking the fire by encouraging her to work out together or do some activities, but that typically works better in theory than practice...summer is coming up, maybe the beach would be a good idea if you're near the coast, or some swimming in a pool...try to help her get back to her normal activity, hell she might surprise you and this could already be on her agenda and she'll bust arse.....but, probably not. But if she starts to get the idea you're not attracted to her and sexually satisfied, she'll likely grow horns and turn into a hot insecure mess and now you're arse is in her cross hairs and everything you don't do with her she'll be thinking it's because she's fat and you don't love her anymore.

 

You need to try and be supportive, but if she's someone who had weight issues or body issues..the more she gains, the worse it can get for her to feel motivated to lose it. Whatever you do...don't throw it in her face and insult her for how disgusting she is being for any reason, your ass will be grass and she'll never forget it. Do NOT say the shet you really want to say to her, and how you really feel, the vast majority of women cannot handle that...even if they nod and act fine in the moment, you will go to your grave with that etched in her head.

 

At some point...if all else fails, and after some time has passed...you'll need to decide whether you need to move on or not as a couple if it is something you cannot accept and get over....sounds harsh but a healthy sex life is important to sustaining a relationship, regardless of all the things people will tell you in how you should feel...at some point you'll end up cheating and get a wandering eye, then it'll just be an even bigger mess...so for now sacrifice for your child, for the mother of your child and for your potential wife...give it a real shot and the best you've got right now.

[Janesays]

Don't make this about her at all. Make this about your son. The same woman who won't do dmack for herself will move mountains for her child.

 

You say you've always been passionate about fitness? Good, say, "I've been thinking....you know important fitness is to me? I was wondering how I can share that part of my life with our son. Any ideas?"

 

He's one, right? Able to walk a little and then pop him in a stroller? How about a morning family walk where you do just that? A family bike ride on Sundays? No of course he cants ride himself, but you can pop him in those baby riding things and bring him anyway.

 

All this family fitness, you see, is for YOUR SON. You want to lead by example and inspire him to lead a healthy lifestyle. Help me, dear wife, for I know you have some good ideas of what we can do. Colorful healthy friendly meals? How can we teach him veggies are better than cake?

 

Where you ever fat as a kid? Even better!

 

"I grew up overweight and I don't want my son to ever feel like I did...'

 

Slim all your life? Still not a problem!

 

"Kids are so cruel. There used to be this chubby kid in class that everyone teased terribly...I don't want our son to end up like him."

 

See how you're going go play this? Not as the shallow guy with the fat wife who wants more sex. But as the living caring wonderful Dad who needs his wives help to be the best Dad possible.

 

And if your wife just HAPPENS to get in the best shape of HER life? Bonus.

[Janesays]

Sorry about the typos ....on my phone. But you get the gist.

[Radu]

You don't sound like a scumbag; you're just honest about something that you can't exactly tell your fiancée. I am a woman, and I have been there too!

 

If your fiancée recently had a baby, her body probably isn't back to where it was yet. Fortunately, at her young age, her body is likely to rebound. Motherhood often changes women's priorities, as they're thinking about the baby's well-being rather than their own. Physical appearance becomes a low priority.

 

Is your fiancée depressed in any way? I wonder if that is part of the problem.

 

In any case, you could certainly offer to take the baby off her hands while she goes to the gym, nail salon, etc... New mothers rarely have time to shower let alone work out! You could also cook healthy meals for her. I bet she'd appreciate that. By working actively to help her, you might find a new appreciation for her situation and inspire her to make healthier choices. It will also keep her from resenting you. I'm certainly not accusing you of any poor conduct, but it can be difficult for new mothers to see their ultra-fit boyfriends get fitter while they rear children with greasy hair and untoned thighs...

 

(I don't have any children, but I have watched many friends go through the aftermath of pregnancy!)

 

You should read the OP again.

It's not that he is unaware of what happens to a woman's body during and after pregnancy.

 

She is actually not taking care of herself and stuffing herself with non-healthy things, quite frankly she is taking his desire for her for granted.

This could be for a number of different things OP, it could be that she is suffering post-partum depression, it could be she is immature and doesn't know how men/women actually work through things, or it could be that she is happy she has you hooked right now.

 

You do need to talk to her, confront her, because with time, your mind will shift more and more towards resenting her, and you may even cheat.

[TheGuard13]

I think you need to be gentle with her, but you definitely need to tell her how you feel and how this is affecting you. I would leave out the part about looking at other women, she'll arrive there on her own if she has any insecurity.

 

Have you guys ever talked about what you're attracted to, and what your expectations are for each other in terms of fitness?

[pbjbear]

I agree with the other posters, she might be depressed.

 

I find in cases like these the woman is often overworked and is too tired to work out or put energy into eating healthy. New mothers are sleep deprived (and when you are tired all the time, being healthy isnt the first priority) and stressed out.

 

I have had a few female friends recently give birth, and it has kind of shocked me how much work it is to take care of a baby! ( if you are breastfeeding its even worse....no sleep and exhausted all the time even more!)

 

You say you go to the gym 5 days a week. Thats alot...would you be willing to take care of the kids sometimes so she could go to the gym? That would be a sacrifice of your time

 

I dont think youre a scumbag. Honestly this happens after you have a kid. If she was trying hard to be healthy and gave a bit of effort into her appearance it would be different and then Id think youre a little scummy (because weight doesnt magically disappear, esp. hormonal weight)

Edited February 12, 2013 by pbjbear

[runningfar]

A baby, especially over a year and if you're willing to give her time, is not an excuse to eat crap food and be lazy.

 

Get on the same page about expectations before you're married even if it is not an easy or nice conversation. Be tactful but be clear.

 

 

I have a lot of mom friends who did not become lazy. If you were complaining about her body alone that's one thing but sounds like unhealthy behaviors. What example is that for a child?

Staying at home has nothing to do with it. That gives more time and less stress as long as you are supportive of her own time.

[Drseussgrrl]

A baby, especially over a year and if you're willing to give her time, is not an excuse to eat crap food and be lazy.

 

Get on the same page about expectations before you're married even if it is not an easy or nice conversation. Be tactful but be clear.

 

 

I have a lot of mom friends who did not become lazy. If you were complaining about her body alone that's one thing but sounds like unhealthy behaviors. What example is that for a child?

Staying at home has nothing to do with it. That gives more time and less stress as long as you are supportive of her own time.

 

I have to kind of agree with this. As someone who feels like good nutrition and fitness is a way of life and not just a means to lose weight, I'm wondering how compatible your lifestyles are.

 

I feel the same way you do. If my partner sat around eating greasy crap food and piling on the pounds I'd have serious doubts about our future. It just wouldn't jive with how I envision my life to be with my partner. Not to mention, it's not just the weight gain that would turn me off. It would be the lack of physical activity. Doing fun, active things together is really important to me.

 

I don't think there's really any way to tell her you're bothered by her weight without hurting her feelings. I know that if I even creep 5 pounds over my ideal I start feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Obviously this isn't the case for everyone.

 

You are right to look at her family and be concerned. I think most guys do this. Essentially you're staring her future right in the face, because if she can't snap out of it it's going to be a slippery slope that gets increasingly hard to recover from.

[MidwestUSA]

I have to kind of agree with this. As someone who feels like good nutrition and fitness is a way of life and not just a means to lose weight, I'm wondering how compatible your lifestyles are.

 

I feel the same way you do. If my partner sat around eating greasy crap food and piling on the pounds I'd have serious doubts about our future. It just wouldn't jive with how I envision my life to be with my partner. Not to mention, it's not just the weight gain that would turn me off. It would be the lack of physical activity. Doing fun, active things together is really important to me.

 

I don't think there's really any way to tell her you're bothered by her weight without hurting her feelings. I know that if I even creep 5 pounds over my ideal I start feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Obviously this isn't the case for everyone.

 

You are right to look at her family and be concerned. I think most guys do this. Essentially you're staring her future right in the face, because if she can't snap out of it it's going to be a slippery slope that gets increasingly hard to recover from.

 

 

Agree completely. You have every right to lay out your expectations. Question: would you have had the baby if you knew this was going to happen? If you stay and decide to have another, then what? Will she get in shape for a pregnancy and let herself go again after?

 

 

I don't think you sound like scum, but am really starting to feel for this baby.

[pteromom]

I don't think you are scum either. You cannot help what you are attracted to or not.

 

I agree that you need to talk to her. VERY kindly. Leave out the parts about not feeling attracted to her and other women hitting on you. Instead focus on how important fitness and health is to you and offer to do an activity with her. Offer to cook, and cook healthy nutritious food.

 

At the same time, work on your own attitudes about love and sex. No, you can't help that you aren't attracted to her when she puts on a little weight, but at the same time, age happens to us all. Even if she prioritizes fitness, eventually her boobs will sag, her skin will wrinkle, and her body will lose its firmness.

 

So when you find yourself thinking about her weight, force yourself to focus on the good instead of the bad. Focus on something about her that DOES turn you on. You can teach your mind and body to think differently.

[Drseussgrrl]

I don't think you are scum either. You cannot help what you are attracted to or not.

 

I agree that you need to talk to her. VERY kindly. Leave out the parts about not feeling attracted to her and other women hitting on you. Instead focus on how important fitness and health is to you and offer to do an activity with her. Offer to cook, and cook healthy nutritious food.

 

At the same time, work on your own attitudes about love and sex. No, you can't help that you aren't attracted to her when she puts on a little weight, but at the same time, age happens to us all. Even if she prioritizes fitness, eventually her boobs will sag, her skin will wrinkle, and her body will lose its firmness.

 

So when you find yourself thinking about her weight, force yourself to focus on the good instead of the bad. Focus on something about her that DOES turn you on. You can teach your mind and body to think differently.

 

I agree that none of us are going to look perfect throughout life.

 

But I still think this is an inherent difference in lifestyle and priorities. Some people simply would NOT feel good about themselves hanging around on the couch, lethargic and gaining weight. Hell I get depressed just thinking about it.

[tman666]

Good advice in here. As a natty bb/powerlifter myself, I can place myself in your shoes easily on how you're viewing this.

 

I don't have too much to add other than to make sure you sort this out BEFORE getting married. It baffles me that anyone would think that getting married would fix any problems the couple had before the marriage (not that anyone was suggesting that was the case with you, but still).

 

Tread carefully my friend.

[FitChick]

Buy her one of those "racing" strollers. I see fit parents running with their babies in them.

 

You could use your future wedding as a bribe to get her into shape. What woman doesn't want to look good on her wedding day?

[Quiet Storm]

I say just be honest with her. Show her this post.

 

If you are not sexually attracted to her, she should know this. It will give her the opportunity to do something about it.

 

It's easy for the weight to creep up on you once you have a baby. If you don't tell her, and keep having sex with her even though you are not attracted, resentment will build. Resentment is a love killer.

 

Just tell her what you told us. Her feelings will be hurt, but avoiding conflict is not the way to go. Sometimes the truth hurts, but that doesn't mean honesty should be avoided.

 

I've been with my husband for 22 years. We are open and honest with each other about this stuff and still have a great sex life.

 

Just make sure your expectations are realistic. After three kids, I am able to keep myself in shape by avoiding too many carbs and doing 20 minutes of lunges, squats and planks every night. I hate cardio, so I skip that. Although I look great for 36, I don't look 15 anymore. So expecting her to be healthy & in shape is fine, but expecting perfection and daily gym sessions with a baby is unrealistic.

[pbjbear]

 

Just make sure your expectations are realistic. After three kids, I am able to keep myself in shape by avoiding too many carbs and doing 20 minutes of lunges, squats and planks every night. I hate cardio, so I skip that. Although I look great for 36, I don't look 15 anymore. So expecting her to be healthy & in shape is fine, but expecting perfection and daily gym sessions with a baby is unrealistic.

 

Such a good post!

[Ninjainpajamas]

I say just be honest with her. Show her this post.

 

If you are not sexually attracted to her, she should know this. It will give her the opportunity to do something about it.

 

It's easy for the weight to creep up on you once you have a baby. If you don't tell her, and keep having sex with her even though you are not attracted, resentment will build. Resentment is a love killer.

 

Just tell her what you told us. Her feelings will be hurt, but avoiding conflict is not the way to go. Sometimes the truth hurts, but that doesn't mean honesty should be avoided.

 

I've been with my husband for 22 years. We are open and honest with each other about this stuff and still have a great sex life.

 

Just make sure your expectations are realistic. After three kids, I am able to keep myself in shape by avoiding too many carbs and doing 20 minutes of lunges, squats and planks every night. I hate cardio, so I skip that. Although I look great for 36, I don't look 15 anymore. So expecting her to be healthy & in shape is fine, but expecting perfection and daily gym sessions with a baby is unrealistic.

 

Keep in mind this girl is in her early 20's...self-esteem issues, body issues, exaggerated expectations, insecurity.

 

I'll be here for the kaboom OP...I'll be hiding behind those rocks over there, you go ahead and tell her about her weight if you'd like.

 

I can't wrap my mind around any potential scenario she wouldn't be highly impacted by his statements, I think it'll be a huge blow to this situation.

 

Hopefully I'm wrong, and others are right...the results will speak for themselves over any theorizing.