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Posted

My boyfriend is depressed due to family drama (his) and it has been affecting us both. We have been together for 4 years and it has never been this hard. We still speak everyday but he's just so distant. I asked if he wants a break and he says no, It seems that whatever I ask he either brushes off or ignores me. I'm so fed up. He's been hooked on his video games and seems like whatever spare time he has that's where he's putting all his efforts in. Its been 2 weeks now and I can tell its getting worse. What should I do? Thanks.

Posted

What my cousin did to her H.

 

She moved out.

Just packed a bag one day, and told him -

 

"until you get your schytt together and treat me like your wife, instead of a convenient and ever-present appendage you think can switch on and off when you see fit - I'm going.

 

I'll come back now and then as I need stuff, but until you behave like a husband, instead of some adolescent teenager who doesn't realise there's a life beyond as computer screen, I'm going to enjoy my life being on my own again.

 

You know where you can reach me. "

 

And she walked out.

 

Three days later, he rang her, and had arranged counselling for himself.

 

Three years on, they're still together, and things are much improved.

 

You can't fix him, he has to do that for himself and see that what he's doing is fatal. But he needs a bit of a wake-up call.

And sometimes, a kick in the rear has a beneficial effect.

 

Do you think that would be effective?

  • Like 1
Posted

I have a situation similar to yours in a way. My boyfriend is often depressed about school and financial issues and he loves playing video games. He'll play them for hours and hours. All day if he could. Recently, I have begun to play video games with him. It has made him so happy to share his video game experience with me. He has even searched for new multiplayer games we can enjoy together. It has also been fun for me too! So I don't know, perhaps you could try what I did and maybe ask if you could join him in playing his games. It might surprise him and get him to open up. And maybe this could lead to better communication/connection and help him out of his depression. Good luck!

Posted

It's only been two weeks of this? I'd vote to give him some time and space for a while and see if he starts coming around soon. If he's never been like this in the four years you've been dating, I wouldn't take it so personally. Let him deal with his family issues without adding another layer of stress to his life; two weeks into an already stressful situation, the last thing he needs is his long-term girlfriend bringing up taking a break. I like the Sweetpotato's advice to play the games with him; interacting with him on a comfortable, light level shows you're there for him but not pushing him. Ease off of him, don't push him to talk about anything heavy for a couple more weeks.

 

After that if he's still distant, acting depressed, and shutting you out, then I'd follow TaraMaiden's advice. At one point I spent way too long "standin' by my [depressed, distant] man," and it drained me, so I'm certainly not advocating sticking it out indefinitely. Find your own balance, but consider giving him a little no-pressure time to recover from whatever family drama he's dealing with.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the replies! I will give him time, at least let him come to me. I just wanna fix things but I get that he needs to do it on his own. It's really never been this difficult which is why im freaking out. Thanks a lot!

Posted

Good luck. I know it's hard, you sound sweet & concerned for him. Hope he snaps out of it soon.

Posted

goes to show how you women support your men. shyt, if I was depressed and she moved out, I would help her pack and tell her dont let the door hit you on the way out.

 

in my time of need, you walk away, go EF YOURSELF!!! its when youre down at your worse that you need a partner by your side. not crying its affecting me. thats what partners do for one another. if it took a few months i'd be there to cheer her up and tell her everything is fine.

 

women like you are a dime a dozen.I dont need a women only when things are great. its the ones that hold through the thick and thin that I want on my team. good bye good riddance. you best go and quickly before I kick you on the way out. pathetic.

Posted

Rocketman, I think you misunderstood the reason for leaving. If someone has a problem and they refuse to get help or address it in any way, then the only solution is to leave rather than enable that type of behavior. On the other hand, if they are trying hard to get better and taking steps to recover then of course you should stay and support them.

 

This is true for addictions, illnesses and mental health problems.

  • Like 1
Posted

Yeah, Rocketman, exactly what Yookie said. Not one of us advocated giving up on the guy because he was having a rough time. In fact I, and other posters, encouraged her to ease off of him & be a bit more patient/understanding about his distant behavior.

 

By the way, even your post included a timeline, did you notice?

 

if it took a few months i'd be there to cheer her up and tell her everything is fine.

 

I supported my ex for over 18 months while he was severely depressed (and refusing to seek help). There is no "cheering up" someone who suffers from depression. They have to want to get better for themselves. In my case, supporting my ex for so long led to two emotionally destroyed people. For over 1.5 years he could only drain my love, energy, and affection, never once returning it. I would not recommend that path to anyone.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

4 days later. He texted me, asked if he could call. We talked. Well hahahah *I* talked. Basically nothing new, says nothings wrong, he admits we're not close but doesn't really knows why, doesn't think it's a problem. Really, I'm getting mad here. As soon as we finished talking, I ended the convo and hung up. Since then he called me once, didn't really say much, I feel he called 'cause he knows I'm upset. He actually says he's not worried about us and I said '' well what you think I'm gonna stay here and endure your mood forever without fixing things, you think that i can't get so upset that I could end things with you''. His answer : No, why would you break up, no I'm not worried. I was shocked how sure of himself he is, like he has us all figured out. That's when I hung up. I dunno anymore. He knows I'm mad, I havent initiated text or call, he has. We don't say much. I mean he knows I'm sad but he can't be bothered I guess. I'm really starting to think I'm not important to him. About his game, yeah I can't play, its a freaking ''guys'' game that he plays with his ''friends''. He used to be hooked on another game before and I flipped out, I said wtf this game is not only destroying our relationship but your life. He was always glued to the damn thing. We had a huge fight and for some reason he stopped playing so much. Now he's having personal fam issues and he's hooked on this other game. I asked him and he was like...since when you wanna play? I don't mind but it's kinda like a ''clan'' thing and we're only guys. WHATEVER I TRIED.

Edited by Mtlgrrl
Posted

I hate to say it, but in a way you're still contributing to his game by even talking to him.

You need to bring an end to it once and for all....

 

Enough is enough.

In his own way, he's still pulling you around by a ring in your nose....

 

You need to go complete and total No Contact now.

 

And I really do mean total, profound, unequivocal and 100% serious.

 

He will only perhaps start to be a little curious and have his interest piqued, when he finally realises that actually, no, you're not available at the drop of a hat to speak to and connect with, when he wants or expects to.

 

This is the classic 'taking you for granted' in the extreme.

Time to bail, sis, and leave him to it.

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