Chief Wiggum Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Hey everyone, My first post here, so go easy on me. I'm also using a tablet, so excuse any spelling errors. Right, let's get straight to it. I'm involved in a long-distance relationship with a GF of three months. We only get to see each other once a week, and so the majority of our time spent with one another is via phone. And here within lies the problem... The amount of texting that's required, is beginning to be unbearable. I'll get a regular flow of messages during my 9-5 at work, right up until about 10pm when I call her. The weekends -- when I'm not working and have no excuse to not respond -- are worse, as she's given a reason to get annoyed when I don't reply quickly enough. This problem even extends to phone calls sometimes; where, the other night, I gave her the impression I was tryna' avoid her after suggesting we have an early night (she was under the weather and had to get up early for work the next day). Now, I understand it's long-distance relationship and she's compensating the time not spent together physically with a healthy dose of text messages, but boy is it hard work. I haven't yet tried confronting the issue with her, as I'm kind of hoping it's a phase that naturally occurs early on in a relationship, and will die down soon. But in the event it doesn't, how should I tackle it without upsetting her? Any of you guys/gals experience similar issues?
NoMoreJerks Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 How many texts are we talking about? If you guys see each other every week, then I 'd say she is overdoing it.. I saw my ex (LDR) once every month and a half (and there were no guarantees he'd be able to come , since it depended on his company and whether he was being sent here for a job), and we texted back and forth for most of the day. I would've preferred a phone call once a day, for half an hour to an hour, but since he hated talking on the phone, we resorted to texting. And a lot of it. I never knew how much to text. Sometimes I was in a bad mood and felt lonely, so would text more. But it seemed like he always expected me to text a certain amount ( be it more than I did, or less than I did), depending on his mood. I never texted him if I knew he was busy at work. I didn't want to distract him. Sometimes he'd text me from work and I'd reply, etc. The thing is, if it's annoying you, please be honest and open about it, and tell her how much contact / communication you expect . If you guys are already talking every day on the phone, I think she's acting too needy, insecure, etc. But say it in a nice way, without criticizing her. Tell her, it can be a bit too much sometimes, etc. That you need to focus on your work, and that it's far better not to text so much, and to keep something for your phone conversation, so that you'd have something to look fwd to. My ex never told me anything (though he'd get paranoid if I texted too little). He then dumped me, though.
zebracolors Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I was in a 2 year LDR and from my own perspective both trust and regular communication is vital. And its easy to get discouraged. However if it gets to the point where she is wanting so much communication because maybe she is worried you're not staying faithful to her, then there could be trust issues later that may not go away. She already seems to have some issues if you're saying she actually gets "annoyed" when you don't reply quickly enough. But as you know her best, I'll leave it to you to decide if she is worth dealing with the stress of maintaining enough contact to satisfy her. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I once got mad at my ex for not responding soon enough. He had gotten home and received my text. I knew he had received it because at first it said "sent", but then it said "delivered." We had had some sort of a small fight, but I was trying to make up for it by being super-nice and caring, and had sent him some nice texts. He replied 2 hours later, saying that he was watching TV (he was in Turkey for a job, and he always complained their TV was all inTurkish and he didn't understand anything, and that their TV programs were crap anyway), and then said "early night for me." I was pissed off, because he had been watching that crappy TV for 2 hours, instead of sending me a one-liner text? I told him, "OK goodnight." He then got mad at me, and told me not to talk to him until I grew up... Bottom line is, it depends -- sometimes , there is a good reason why we get mad about lack of communication / response rate, etc. I dont think it necessarily means we're clingy. It has to do with respect, IMO. But this is a case where you know for a fact that your partner is not doing anything of importance and is just killing time watching something he's not even understanding / interested in. In my case, my ex was being passive-aggressive and was giving me the silent treatment. Not saying you're doing the same thing, but that sometimes the situation isn't as straightforward, when viewed from the perspective of the partner who doesn't KNOW what is going on in your head. If you don't tell her what's on your mind , or that you need some space, she won't be able to know. Plus, we all have our moments, so even if she does text u a bit more some day, after you tell her to text less, be patient ..
NoMoreJerks Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I saw my ex (LDR) once every month Sorry, typo, I meant, I saw him for a week (or two) every month and a half or so.
zebracolors Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 A fair point NMJ. I agree about respect also being needed. I was just wondering because from what I gathered, OP had said the girl thought he was trying to avoid talking to her by saying "early night" And you have a good point as to why the girl does sound a little needy or insecure, no offense to the OP. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 A fair point NMJ. I agree about respect also being needed. I was just wondering because from what I gathered, OP had said the girl thought he was trying to avoid talking to her by saying "early night" And you have a good point as to why the girl does sound a little needy or insecure, no offense to the OP. I think it's always best to be straightforward, to be honest. My ex told me that night that he was gonna have an early night, but I didn't know if 1) he was upset at me/ being passive aggressive; 2) didn't want to talk to me because I somehow annoyed him; 3) being honest about going to bed , or didn't want to talk to me. If you don't want to talk to me because you need some time off to do your own stuff or just have some down time to think, etc., just say so. I am a mature adult and totally understand people's needs for some alone time... but if I'm not told, in no uncertain terms, that this is the problem, then I can't know what's going on and why he's acting that way with me... I tend to think the worst, and assume it was somthing I said and did, which means I'll keep on texting him , either asking what I did wrong, or try to make him feel better in case I upset him.. the bottom line is: be blunt. Men always complain women are not straightforward and blunt, but I see a lot of men act the same way..
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Hey ZC and NMJ, Thanks for the responses. It's late here, so I'll respond properly tomorrow! Night
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 How many texts are we talking about? If you guys see each other every week, then I 'd say she is overdoing it.. I saw my ex (LDR) once every month and a half (and there were no guarantees he'd be able to come , since it depended on his company and whether he was being sent here for a job), and we texted back and forth for most of the day. I would've preferred a phone call once a day, for half an hour to an hour, but since he hated talking on the phone, we resorted to texting. And a lot of it. I never knew how much to text. Sometimes I was in a bad mood and felt lonely, so would text more. But it seemed like he always expected me to text a certain amount ( be it more than I did, or less than I did), depending on his mood. I never texted him if I knew he was busy at work. I didn't want to distract him. Sometimes he'd text me from work and I'd reply, etc. The thing is, if it's annoying you, please be honest and open about it, and tell her how much contact / communication you expect . If you guys are already talking every day on the phone, I think she's acting too needy, insecure, etc. But say it in a nice way, without criticizing her. Tell her, it can be a bit too much sometimes, etc. That you need to focus on your work, and that it's far better not to text so much, and to keep something for your phone conversation, so that you'd have something to look fwd to. My ex never told me anything (though he'd get paranoid if I texted too little). He then dumped me, though. Thanks! It's hard to quantify the amount of texts I'll receive during a 9-5, because it'll depend on what's being talked about, and short one-word texts can make up most of them. But today, for example, she sent me 34 texts while I was in the office. Lower volume than usual because she'd been working and also had a doctor's appointment. I totally agree with you about leaving something for the phone conversations. Because on many occasions we end up covering the same stuff talked about in texts. You think I could get away with not telling her, and instead slowly decrease the amount I respond, so she gets the hint that I'm just not capable of carrying out text conversations during the day? Kind of avoid risking upsetting her.
DC4 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 But today, for example, she sent me 34 texts while I was in the office. Lower volume than usual because she'd been working and also had a doctor's appointment. Christ, 34 is a light day? I only get to see someone I like very much once a week due to kids, schedules, etc. I am pretty sure he would kill me dead if I sent him 34 texts and I LIVE for sending texts and emails. I don't know how you're going to do it, but you are going to have to talk to her about this. Passively aggressively not responding isn't a good solution in my opinion. Being the offender of texts, I prefer when someone just tells me "I love hearing from you but I can't always respond right away." When the responses get lighter and further apart, my brain drifts to "ok he doesn't like me" instead of "this man has a serious job and kids and can't text me all damn day." Just my little insecurity thing-throwing it out there in case your girlfriend is similar to me.
edgygirl Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 34??? I understand that once in a while conversations are awesome and go back and fort non-stop, but that should only happen in special occasions, not every day! It seems you got it out of control because you didn't manage down her expectations in the right time. You should do it now. Either you stop responding eagerly or you tell her you love talking with her but it's affecting you at work and you can't be text messaging the whole day. Doesn't she have a life?
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 I was in a 2 year LDR and from my own perspective both trust and regular communication is vital. And its easy to get discouraged. However if it gets to the point where she is wanting so much communication because maybe she is worried you're not staying faithful to her, then there could be trust issues later that may not go away. She already seems to have some issues if you're saying she actually gets "annoyed" when you don't reply quickly enough. But as you know her best, I'll leave it to you to decide if she is worth dealing with the stress of maintaining enough contact to satisfy her. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. You're correct about her trust issues. But how deeply ingrained those issues are, I do not know yet. We've only been seeing each other for three month, the first of which was a slow start. So I'm still in the process of deciphering her, to be honest. From talking to her friends, I know she really likes me. One of them said she felt like she struck a pot of gold when first meeting me. Can't say the feeling was exactly mutual. That may sound worse than it actually is, but it just means that it took me slightly longer before I digged her. But yeah, needless to say, I've decided to downplay the past girlfriends and stuff. Thankfully she doesn't know what any of them look like.
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Christ, 34 is a light day? I only get to see someone I like very much once a week due to kids, schedules, etc. I am pretty sure he would kill me dead if I sent him 34 texts and I LIVE for sending texts and emails. I don't know how you're going to do it, but you are going to have to talk to her about this. Passively aggressively not responding isn't a good solution in my opinion. Being the offender of texts, I prefer when someone just tells me "I love hearing from you but I can't always respond right away." When the responses get lighter and further apart, my brain drifts to "ok he doesn't like me" instead of "this man has a serious job and kids and can't text me all damn day." Just my little insecurity thing-throwing it out there in case your girlfriend is similar to me. Well noted with the "he doesn't like me" possibility. Hmm. Would you get offended/upset if I suggested we ease off the texting?
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 34??? I understand that once in a while conversations are awesome and go back and fort non-stop, but that should only happen in special occasions, not every day! It seems you got it out of control because you didn't manage down her expectations in the right time. You should do it now. Either you stop responding eagerly or you tell her you love talking with her but it's affecting you at work and you can't be text messaging the whole day. Doesn't she have a life? That's the thing, she does have a life! Sisters she hangs out with, as well as a group of very close-knit friends she often sees. But even when with them, she somehow finds the bloody time to text. And damn, you should see her type with her Blackberry. Ridiculously quick. I'm trying my best to get an iPhone for her, because I know she struggles with touch screens. Maybe that'll help.
DC4 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Well noted with the "he doesn't like me" possibility. Hmm. Would you get offended/upset if I suggested we ease off the texting? Not at all. It's actually been said to me more than once! "I love hearing from you but I don't have the time to text you as much as you text me." Hell, my ex-husband flat out told me he just doesn't want to deal with that many texts. As long as you make it clear it's not a reflection of how you feel about her and she's not completely insecure, she should get it. I can be fairly insecure in the beginning of a relationship and even I got it without being all butthurt about it. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) You think I could get away with not telling her, and instead slowly decrease the amount I respond, so she gets the hint that I'm just not capable of carrying out text conversations during the day? Kind of avoid risking upsetting her. I wouldn't recommend that you do that... Be honest and open... but say it in a friendly and non-critical way. One way I suggest that you do it, is in my first reply to your post: "The thing is, if it's annoying you, please be honest and open about it, and tell her how much contact / communication you expect ....But say it in a nice way, without criticizing her. Tell her, it can be a bit too much sometimes, etc. That you need to focus on your work, and that it's far better not to text so much, and to keep something for your phone conversation, so that you'd have something to look fwd to." No matter what you do, do NOT just distance yourself without an explanation and hope that she gets the hint. She WON'T get the hint, and will think she said / did something to upset you, or that you no longer like her, etc. It's normal for her to assume that, IMO, if you don't tell her anything about this.... Just tell her, in a nice/friendly non-aggressive/non-critical way. Sometimes, when we are not very busy at work, or are feeling kinda down, we tend to get carried away (this applies to men as well), and text too much. I don't think that really means she's a super-clingy person by default. She might not be realizing that she's texting so much. In fact, she might be feeling just as annoyed about it, unconsciously. I used to talk with my parents on and off almost all day long, and at the end of the day , it would start getting on my nerves, but I didn't realize that the reason was the constant communication with my parents, until much much later... constantly being in touch with someone throughout the day (even if YOU are doing the initiating) is bound to make you feel like you're a good-for-nothing person who has nothing better to do with her time. It's bound to make you feel that way, even if you don't realize it at first! Also, sometimes, with my ex, he'd text me something, and I wouldn't know when to stop, because I would be scared that if he were the last to mssg and I didn't reply, he'd get upset and think I was ignoring him... That could be a factor too. Edited January 2, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
edgygirl Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 "I love hearing from you but I don't have the time to text you as much as you text me." Hell, my ex-husband flat out told me he just doesn't want to deal with that many texts. As long as you make it clear it's not a reflection of how you feel about her and she's not completely insecure, she should get it. ˆˆˆThis is the best way to go IMHO. Honesty always wins. Better than expecting her to take the hint by answering less. I think any sane woman would understand it. Now the problem becomes she will be a little insecure to contact you, so perhaps you can talk about what volume of texting and when would be comfortable for both of you. 1
Divasu Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Oh be careful with that OP. The guy I last dated (in my threads) texted me constantly (called a lot too) and he didn't want a relationship. Very confusing and I suggest you put your foot down, now.
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Right, I did as you guys suggested, and I've made things worse. I went down the route of telling her I love hearing from her, but at the same, I can't do with constant texting - especially at work where it can be quite distracting for me. She respected my sentiments (so it seemed), and the last week or so went by good. Until about 20 minutes ago. I cut the conversation early tonight because I was really tired from the gym, and that didn't go down too well. Coupled with yesterday where I also couldn't talk for long, she's pissed off with my perceived lack of effort with my communication. And yes, she brought up the texting issue. She seems to be under the impression that I'm slowly worming my way out of having to talk to her, and that because we don't see each other often enough, my decision to reduce the texting and not devoting enough time at night on phone, is detrimental to the relationship. What the ****, man.
edgygirl Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Ugh. She seems a little immature or perhaps too needy. Anyone would understand that too much texting can affect your work life and it's not appropriate. But it doesn't seem like the texting is the issue per se, it seems she likes being in touch a lot and she feels she is not getting enough communication for her needs. As a girl, I can understand that she marinated the issue in her mind for a few days until she panicked feeling you're probably not that into her. I've been there, lol, but I know better now. I think the best you can do is reassure her you like her and want to continue the relationship but that apparently you guys have different communication needs. As I said, you should determine together what would be acceptable for both of you. That's why lately I'm advocating - not to text too much in the beginning! Because eventually one will want to text less and the other one gets hurt.
KraftDinner Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 34 in a day? Anything more than 28.2 texts per day is excessive. I'm being facetious, obviously. Just making the point that there are no rules... So she's needy. Are you able to fulfill her needs? Do you want to? If no, she should know that you aren't able to or interested in doing that. Everyone deserves to know what they can expect of people. Neediness is subjective. Do you want someone with no needs, who could take you or leave you? She deserves to know how much she can expect from you and then she can decide if that's good enough for her. Don't automatically write off her needs as unreasonable. But you can decide if you want to fulfill them! Sounds like you don't want to and that's cool, your prerogative. But it's not as simple as just telling someone to dial it back. Saying that sounds like you aren't that interested.
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Ugh. She seems a little immature or perhaps too needy. Anyone would understand that too much texting can affect your work life and it's not appropriate. But it doesn't seem like the texting is the issue per se, it seems she likes being in touch a lot and she feels she is not getting enough communication for her needs. As a girl, I can understand that she marinated the issue in her mind for a few days until she panicked feeling you're probably not that into her. I've been there, lol, but I know better now. I think the best you can do is reassure her you like her and want to continue the relationship but that apparently you guys have different communication needs. As I said, you should determine together what would be acceptable for both of you. That's why lately I'm advocating - not to text too much in the beginning! Because eventually one will want to text less and the other one gets hurt. Good points, Edgy. I was planning on taking her out for the day this Saturday. Just, you know, let ourselves have a good time. Because when we're together, we don't have any of these arguments. Maybe that, like you've suggested, will reassure and let her know that I am still into her. And yes, she is a little immature and needy, but I'm pretty sure I can work my way round that and, to some extent, tolerate it if it doesn't get worse.
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 34 in a day? Anything more than 28.2 texts per day is excessive. I'm being facetious, obviously. Just making the point that there are no rules... So she's needy. Are you able to fulfill her needs? Do you want to? If no, she should know that you aren't able to or interested in doing that. Everyone deserves to know what they can expect of people. Neediness is subjective. Do you want someone with no needs, who could take you or leave you? She deserves to know how much she can expect from you and then she can decide if that's good enough for her. Don't automatically write off her needs as unreasonable. But you can decide if you want to fulfill them! Sounds like you don't want to and that's cool, your prerogative. But it's not as simple as just telling someone to dial it back. Saying that sounds like you aren't that interested. Yeah, that's what I've been thinking - not automatically writing off her needs as unreasonable. I can actually understand her thought process and why she may feel insecure, but I don't agree with her reacting and behaving the way she is. Another thing is that I don't know much about her past. Maybe this sort of behaviour stems from previous experiences? In most cases I prefer not to ask/explore a girl's past, but I'm beginning to think I should with her.
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