SJC2008 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 (edited) OLD has been a disaster for me but I did learn something about myself and it's not good. I seem to be drawn to controlling women:( Remember the girl from this thread?http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/364751-how-know-when-woman-testing-you . Well she may sound like a selfish controlling B but as embarrasing as it is to admit it. I really, really liked her! The woman I liked from about a year ago was pretty much the same way and I really liked her too. I grew up with a controlling mother and passive father so my brain is "programmed" to be passive and programmed to see the woman as the decision maker. I guess you could say this is the male version of the woman who stays with the abusive man but won't leave?? It's "the only love we know". The problem is a double edged sword IMO because I have to train myself to not be passive and also train myself to not be drawn to these type of women. Is this possible?? How do we change our people pickers?? Edited January 1, 2013 by SJC2008 missed word
carhill Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Is this possible?? How do we change our people pickers??IMO, yes, but it takes serious introspection and/or psychological help, in addition to adequate time to process the changes in processing of similar stimulus and emotions. This means the dreaded 'alone time'. Relevant to your particular aspect of people picking changes, what I've found to work is to more accurately and immediately respond to perceptions of manipulative and controlling behaviors with established boundaries, rather than sitting back and giving the benefit of the doubt, along with saving true and sincere love and care for those people who have earned it over time. Polite and respectful, sure, but loving and loyal and trusting behaviors and perspectives and feelings are saved for the precious few whom have demonstrated over time to be worthy of such vulnerability. This is the essence of 'caring less' about people fresh to the 'picker'. This retraining is a process of unwinding faulty socialization, in my case, for survival in the real world of today. I've found the changes to have worked well, especially the processing tools learned in MC (psychological therapy). Potentials are far more easily and pleasantly assessed and dismissed, as appropriate, with less anxiety and/or guilt about 'picking'. This applies to all aspects of interpersonal relationships, not just romantic potentials. If there is a downside risk, it's the reality of being alone. That's a potential consequence of the choices made in the picking process. It's a risk/result/consequence one must accept. Acceptance is another aspect which was hammered home in MC. Accept one's parameters and processes for 'picking' and accept the consequences, both positive and negative. Own them. Learn from them. Live. Evolve. Life is short.
Necris Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Easy man, I don't know about others but I find it relatively easy to change who I'm attracted to. For example I might think a girl is so wonderful but if she acts rude to me or rejects me, instantly she isn't attractive to me anymore, so I'm not the kind of guy to get hung up on people. Now I will be honest, I don't know how you feel since I could never understand how others can't seem to control who they are attracted to, some people even go as far as to say you are born attracted to a particular person something I call bollocks on. You have to realize there are two types of attraction, unconscious attraction, and conscious attraction. Unconscious attraction is a bit harder to control but its also the most physical, something about them just makes you drawn to that person, be it her smell, her butt, her dominant behavior whatever. Basically your unconscious mind thinks something about that person makes them a match, and you feel attracted to them. In your case you want someone like your mother, very controlling. Conscious attraction is the easiest to control and its more personality based, and ultimately this is the most important, if you know what you want you seek out people with those qualities. This will also extend to your unconscious thinking as well so you'll unconsciously avoid people with qualities you deem unattractive. So if you truly make up in your mind controlling women are unattractive it will be so, and you'll eventually unconsciously believe this as well and hopefully your dating life will get better. I hope this helps, unfortunately I'm terrible at explaining things so this may not have helped that much, but to answer your question, yes, its very possible to control who you are attracted to. 1
Author SJC2008 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Easy man, I don't know about others but I find it relatively easy to change who I'm attracted to. For example I might think a girl is so wonderful but if she acts rude to me or rejects me, instantly she isn't attractive to me anymore, so I'm not the kind of guy to get hung up on people. Now I will be honest, I don't know how you feel since I could never understand how others can't seem to control who they are attracted to, some people even go as far as to say you are born attracted to a particular person something I call bollocks on. You have to realize there are two types of attraction, unconscious attraction, and conscious attraction. Unconscious attraction is a bit harder to control but its also the most physical, something about them just makes you drawn to that person, be it her smell, her butt, her dominant behavior whatever. Basically your unconscious mind thinks something about that person makes them a match, and you feel attracted to them. In your case you want someone like your mother, very controlling. Conscious attraction is the easiest to control and its more personality based, and ultimately this is the most important, if you know what you want you seek out people with those qualities. This will also extend to your unconscious thinking as well so you'll unconsciously avoid people with qualities you deem unattractive. So if you truly make up in your mind controlling women are unattractive it will be so, and you'll eventually unconsciously believe this as well and hopefully your dating life will get better. I hope this helps, unfortunately I'm terrible at explaining things so this may not have helped that much, but to answer your question, yes, its very possible to control who you are attracted to. I've done some research on the subject. Basically you're subconsciouslly trying to repair the relationship with you mother through another woman, trying to win her over again. IMO like I said in the OP it has more to do with that our parents behavior formatted what a "normal" relationship is so I need to work on stop being so passive if I'm to get a non controlling woman. I wish there was a way to reprogram or erase that aspect of my subconscious. I wonder if those books about it are worth it?? You explained it great BTW!
carhill Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 In my explanation, I was unclear. I don't attempt to control whom I'm attracted to, rather how I process that attraction and act on it. I accept the reptilian brain as self-evident and use the modified/trained 'rest of the brain' to process the inputs from the reptilian brain. Decades of interactions with women have taught some of the processes by osmosis. IMO, women are pretty good at separating out attraction from action, even if they sometimes ignore the health of the picking process and act on the reptilian inputs directly. With some I note an elegant simplicity in how they categorize men they are attracted to. The 'picking' process is clear and efficient. In others, not so much. One always has choices and those choices have consequences.
Author SJC2008 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 In my explanation, I was unclear. I don't attempt to control whom I'm attracted to, rather how I process that attraction and act on it. I accept the reptilian brain as self-evident and use the modified/trained 'rest of the brain' to process the inputs from the reptilian brain. Decades of interactions with women have taught some of the processes by osmosis. IMO, women are pretty good at separating out attraction from action, even if they sometimes ignore the health of the picking process and act on the reptilian inputs directly. With some I note an elegant simplicity in how they categorize men they are attracted to. The 'picking' process is clear and efficient. In others, not so much. One always has choices and those choices have consequences. Meaning separating emotion from logic?? Logically this girl would probably drive me crazy if we were still dating. Emotionally it's normal and what I want. so that brings up another question. If I do break through and find a woman who beleives in balance with the man leading could I APPRECIATE her?? Just like could the abused woman ever appreciate a good man right??
carhill Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I use the phrase 'reptilian brain' as the descriptor of those processes which stimulate my flagpole to raise full mast. Those aren't emotions; they're the ancient drives to create little carhills The 'rest of the brain' has emotions and intellect/cognition, all of which are processed. It's what one does with that milieu which results in actions/behaviors/choices. That can be changed/evolved to a healthier state, presuming one feels the prior path to be unhealthy.
TheZebra Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Therapy? Not trying to be a smart***, just the first thing that came to mind. It seems as though you're on your way to identifying the problem though, which is good. Being passive isn't necessarily a bad thing, I mean, can you imagine what relationships would be if EVERYONE was assertive and had to be the one in charge? Our species would never survive. You can still be passive, but just learn to identify bad behavior and nip it in the bud. Being passive does not equal being a doormat; not in my book. You can stay who you are, but instead of staying with women who you feel control you for bad reasons (for their own selfish gains) and don't care for you, go for women who DO care. They're out there, just pay attention to behavior in the beginning so you can differentiate between the good and bad ones.
ThaWholigan Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Well, who says you can't be happy with a more "active" personality to your more passive one? Now, I'm not saying you should be completely passive, it helps if you develop boundaries and also develop attributes and traits that can actually complement your naturally passive nature. This is one way to weed out the "controlling" women who are stepping over the line with you. It's usually better if you identify your own behavior patterns that help enable this behavior from other women in your life. I can't entirely change my "people picker", I'm attracted to certain traits - however I can identify those singular traits and find them scattered in a different package as opposed to the package that contains more bad than good for me. I'm quite passive sometimes too, so I understand the dilemma of subconsciously being attracted to women who are slightly aggressive in demeanor. So if you are attracted to women who display certain behaviors that some would deem controlling, try to identify what those traits are on a singular level, and once you know them by rote, you will find them in a wide assortment of girls, and not just domineering, controlling ones .
salparadise Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I've done some research on the subject. Basically you're subconsciouslly trying to repair the relationship with you mother through another woman, trying to win her over again. IMO like I said in the OP it has more to do with that our parents behavior formatted what a "normal" relationship is so I need to work on stop being so passive if I'm to get a non controlling woman. I wish there was a way to reprogram or erase that aspect of my subconscious. I wonder if those books about it are worth it?? I have a bit of experience with this having been raised in the same type of family. Here's what it boils down to... while analysis may help you understand the etiology it doesn't really fix the problem. Holding firm, healthy boundaries and learning to be more assertive will help. Making certain decisions for women rather than asking what they want. For example, when asking for a date just ask them if they will be your guest for dinner at XYZ restaurant rather than asking them where they'd like to go. There are assertiveness training classes that may be helpful too. And as far as recognizing controlling, manipulative women... they will usually be extremely appeasing and complimentary at first. If they start stroking your ego effusively before you hardly know them, consider that a red flag. They will butter you up, set the hook and drive you insane. So learn to recognize the buttering up part and be wary. 2
Author SJC2008 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 I have a bit of experience with this having been raised in the same type of family. Here's what it boils down to... while analysis may help you understand the etiology it doesn't really fix the problem. Holding firm, healthy boundaries and learning to be more assertive will help. Making certain decisions for women rather than asking what they want. For example, when asking for a date just ask them if they will be your guest for dinner at XYZ restaurant rather than asking them where they'd like to go. There are assertiveness training classes that may be helpful too. And as far as recognizing controlling, manipulative women... they will usually be extremely appeasing and complimentary at first. If they start stroking your ego effusively before you hardly know them, consider that a red flag. They will butter you up, set the hook and drive you insane. So learn to recognize the buttering up part and be wary. Lol skim the link in the OP, she has no problem trying to change plans! Good advice. We texted for 3 weeks before meeting and she was very upbeat and positive. I got really sick and she was very nice, said i'm sorry you're sick, followed up with me as to if I was getting better. The more we dated the more her true colors were starting to show. She can't take a compliment to save her life. She is a very defensive person, never wrong. She started making comments that could go either way as a joke or insult (easing in IMO). One was that she told me I was funnier over text than in person. I actually lauged and thought she was teasing.I told her what I did for my birthday and she said it didn't sound like much of a birthday. She met my friend and I asked her what she thought about him when we talked later (don't know if that's a proper queston) and she said it seemed like he was having an off night. Any sane person would of left her after all this crap but I didn't. (it fell apart for other reasons).
Author SJC2008 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 I feel like the woman who gets her ass beat and says "but I see past all that" lol!
coffeebean201 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I think you can change your people-picker, and in a really satisfying way. We will always be drawn to those core personalities, but they don't dominate our thoughts,feelings,desires like they used to. And other personalities become much more attractive.
Sugarkane Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I Also have the same issue. Therapy didn't work.
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