gslocke Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) Hello, I am 25, new here but I had to register because I am really confused. I've been seeing this girl for a month and a half that I love so much. Everything is great, we laugh all the time, so much, and we get along really well. I am religious, but have been much much more reserved about it. We had sex several times, but now she wants to wait as of about a week ago until we can get closer to God and all that. We have an incredible passion. I mean that we drink each other up. I can't stop smelling her and she can't stop smelling me. She wanted to wait initially, and I was willing to do so also, but she decided to do it and so did I obviously. But now she says she wants to wait and she knows how I am or can get already. I'm not sure if I can deal with the rejection and all the questions about why she won't have me anymore on a daily basis. I ask her but she says it is hard for her also but the Bible says to wait. I am really close to ending it, but the thing that stops me is how I should be able to respect the decision, and her decision based on Chrsitianity to wait. But we already did it, so I am realllly frustrated. I have a problem with religious hypocrisy. The main issue is not the decision to wait, I understand that. The main issue is why she won't do it anymore. She says she did this to an ex boyfriend before. I love her more than anything, she is the most beautiful, but I get super frustrated as a person when it all falls short of actually getting the job done. Its a guy thing I know, but is it right to end it based on this hypocritical BS? Please help, I don't want to lose her, she means everything to me, but I can't fight this feeling, it is biological. I know we won't marry yet. It is way too early, but we are batting .999. I don't need the sex, (i mean i kinda do) but I feel as though she isn't as committed anymore. We haven't even sought our spirituality together yet (last week she totalled her car with me in it on the way to her Church. I told her this has to say something.......) Please, any insight you can provide is helpful. I was going to be strong and just end it, but I am weak. Edited November 24, 2012 by gslocke I see this may be in the wrong section, but can you please leave it here? This can be a mature discussion... Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 So you have been together for about 90 days and within that time you both have had sex? Now she wants to wait until you get closer to God? What does that mean? Isn't that a bit counterintuitive? Granted I don't understand how people follow a religion but bend the rules to fit their needs but anywho. It seems as she made her mind up. Do you think this is something you want as well? If your answer is no - I say break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 She "did this to" a boyfriend before you? Sounds like a big game. You should walk. I know you feel like you're in love, but there is not very much time invested and it won't take too long before you are recovered from this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gslocke Posted November 24, 2012 Author Share Posted November 24, 2012 Shes more into practicing before God than I am. If it is a game what is it supposed to do for her? Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 I honestly don't know if she uses sex as a tool or not, but she obviously has conflicting feelings about sex and most likely fights with whether its right or wrong and something that's natural vs. something to be ashamed of. For that - I would suggest that you either have an honest chat with her and really get the true answer from her and then decide, or just walk away now and save yourself the trouble/drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gslocke Posted November 24, 2012 Author Share Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) We have talked about it and I am adamant that I was already waiting until she decided. Ive been as good as I can be. So we got 4 'gtfo of it' responses lol, are there any true Christians around that want to say anything different?? We both know we have gone really fast and I know we need to slow things down. But can we actually go backwards??? No idea Edited November 24, 2012 by gslocke Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 We have talked about it and I am adamant that I was already waiting until she decided. Ive been as good as I can be. So we got 4 'gtfo of it' responses lol, are there any true Christians around that want to say anything different?? True? No thanks - I am not any type of Christian and if you were a true Christian - you wouldn't be having sex in the first place so go and repent and continue with her and if you read my response you will see that I said if you are ok with this -- stay with her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 YOU say you're a true Christian. What does YOUR personal belief tell YOU about this situation? Are you feeling that you did wrong by having sex and now realize that you should not do that until marriage? Or not? You need to follow your own beliefs about this. But Christian or not, a girl who has a pattern like this, which includes having sex in the first few weeks of knowing a guy and then backing off is showing something that I would suggest backing away from. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gslocke Posted November 24, 2012 Author Share Posted November 24, 2012 Alright I see. Well obviously I dont feel wrong Im just pained by how we for some reason cant anymore. It is a feeling of deep rejection Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 True Christian? I think this whole scenario is ass backwards. If either you or your girl were TRUE Christians we wouldn't be reading this thread because guess what........ She wouldn't have put out and you wouldn't have put it in. She's using her "beliefs" as an excuse. She's done it before and will do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 We have talked about it and I am adamant that I was already waiting until she decided. Ive been as good as I can be. So we got 4 'gtfo of it' responses lol, are there any true Christians around that want to say anything different?? We both know we have gone really fast and I know we need to slow things down. But can we actually go backwards??? No idea Well then wait. What do you want from us heathens? I haven't read the bible, but from what I know, no one can go backwards. What's done is done - if you want to stay with her and both of you wait until you know god better or get married or whatever, then wait. And every time you get the urge -just pray together and think of god... I have a question for you - do you ever look @ porn? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gslocke Posted November 24, 2012 Author Share Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) True Christian? I think this whole scenario is ass backwards. If either you or your girl were TRUE Christians we wouldn't be reading this thread because guess what........ She wouldn't have put out and you wouldn't have put it in. She's using her "beliefs" as an excuse. She's done it before and will do it again. Hell I will agree with that. So taking christianity out of it might seem to remove the problem, but it is still there. I guess as long as that is her reason, then even though i cannot understand or agree with it like she can I will have to deal with it. And yeh, true christian was an error. And yeah, porn is great Im pretty sure there is no denying that one. Edited November 24, 2012 by gslocke Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 End it or prepare for her continuing to use sex as a tool for as long as you're in a relationship with her. I'm leaning towards this myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 You have only one real option to maintain your self-respect and integrity. Say something like "I respect and value your feelings about not having sex before marriage, but I'm afraid that path just isn't for me. I need a physical relationship to really feel connected and loved, anything less than that just isn't fulfilling, nor do I feel like holding back love is really for me. If that's what you really believe you need to do then I wish you all the best, but the man you're waiting for won't be me" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 The novelty of having sex with you has worn off. I guess the sex that you did have wasn't that great. Otherwise, she'd still want it. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 Insta-LAUNCH without hesitation. Would it be improbable that she has started receiving shipments of "goods" from a new "vendor"...? Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 She's using religion as manipulation, have seen this work on several of my friends who start having sex and fall in love, then the woman cuts off with an appeal to Christian beliefs. Then they end up marrying the girl shortly after, which was her agenda all along. Suckers. You are being manipulated with religion as the rationalization. Up to you whether you want to spend your life in this way, it will get worse in many ways having nothing to do with religion btw, so if you stick with this one just get used to a life of obvious, rationalized manipulation. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 You have yourself a situation here. Reminds me of something that happened to me years ago - I was dating this very Christian man who was very against our having sex. We did, however, do the deed. Then since he kept going on about how bad it was, I restrained. Then he decided we were just friends and I was taking things way too seriously and I was being a hysterical female, he felt pressured, etc. and he was going to become a priest. Needless to say we never spoke again, last I heard he's been married to the same woman for the last 10 years. Hey, you tell me. I think we have to ask ourselves a few questions with this. Why did she decide this AFTER you had already done the deed? If you both (or one of you) felt strongly about waiting for marriage then you would've talked about that before it happened. Now that she has made the decission she has, qutie honestly, I think you should consult the story I shared above. I'm not saying that your gf is as much as a helpless fool as that man is/was, but I think she is using it as an excuse. She doesn't want to be with you even though she may say otherwise. Move on. Don't get involved with people who have hang ups. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 I had the exact same situation as you a year ago. Wonderful woman, much attraction and compatibility, an order of magnitude different than anyone I had met in the several years (since my divorce). We became physical right off the bat, continued for a couple of months, and then she became conflicted. In fact, that is how I found this site as well. I was extremely disappointed and thought it was unfair that she had used sex to get me hooked and then cut it off (my interpretation in the moment). To those who are saying that she's being manipulative, I suppose it's possible, depending on her personality and motivations, and it certainly can feel manipulative from the [male] partner's perspective. But in my case she wasn't trying to be manipulative, she was extremely conflicted within and wanted to do the right thing. She was sad that I had such negative feelings about it. It wasn't that she didn't want a physical relationship, she did want it very much. Church doctrine says we need to use restraint and when she would confess to her priest it was quite painful to her, and I believe the priest was probably a lot more judgmental than was appropriate for his role. So, we had discussions at length. I explained that while I loved her and was serious about the possibility of making a new life with her, I wanted a full relationship that included beautiful intimacy in the context of commitment and spirituality. I talked about how church doctrine is a man-made convention and that since we are mature adults (middle age, both previously married with kids) and capable of understanding and dealing with the complexities of life, that we can actually make our own decisions as opposed to having to follow orders in order to believe what we believe. This is the gist––discussions were more involved as you might guess. This is also a long-distance relationship. I told her that I didn't see us being able to sustain over time and distance without it being full and complete, including intimacy. It was her turn to travel and I told her to come as planned and we'd enjoy each other's company and see how it goes. We'd had some tough discussions, but I decided not to bring it up or pressure her in any way. We had a couple of visits with no sex. I made sure to act as if it didn't bother me in the least. I was respectful but when she'd bring it up I just said we'd see how it goes, and only time will tell. The reality was that I knew darn well that I didn't want to waste several years of my life doing all that's involved in maintaining a serious ld relationship and never having any intimacy. I was hoping she would eventually see it my way and come around of her own accord. I could see that was the only solution. There is a push-back reflex when you push too much. It really was her decision to make. I just gave her the time and space to realize that as modern, mature adults the prospect of having a serious relationship without intimacy was more akin to a fairy tale than something that could actually work. She did come to see it my way and we've had a wonderful relationship ever since. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 But in my case she wasn't trying to be manipulative, she was extremely conflicted within and wanted to do the right thing. Oh these types are capable of manipulating themselves also into rationalizing an agenda, and can sound completely sincere. They are masters of it. Test is that there are many many things in the bible and other religious doctrine that restrict people's behavior, are they unilaterally mandating those too? The day a woman comes to me and says "I've decided sex is against my religious beliefs, so we won't be having any more extramarital sex, and since my beliefs also counsel that women are subservient to men, and that women should obey their man, I will be unswervingly obedient to you going forward," then I might actually take them at their word. Til then? Total manipulation. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 If it is a game what is it supposed to do for her? Some women feel a lack of control over their lives, which is often related to circumstances in their childhood. Maybe their parents divorced and they felt powerless, maybe they were bullied by classmates or siblings, maybe they experiences abuse or neglect. Being the gatekeeper of the goodies is a very powerful position. She has something that men want, and she gets to decide when & if she shares that. She can give you a taste, and then deny you. It can result in a feelings of power and superiority. Go over to the marriage board and read for awhile. You will see that some women use sex as tools or weapons, which puts the husband in an emasculating position. They are often jumping though hoops and kissing her a55 all day just to get sex once in awhile. If the husband speaks his mind or disagrees about something, sex will be withheld and used as a weapon. If she wants something, sex will be given like a gift (with strings attached). His natural & healthy desire to connect with her will be minimized and she will accuse him of only wanting her for sex, etc. Instead of sex being a healthy way to connect with your spouse, it turns into a manipulative game of control. It could be that she is feeling guilty due to religion, but I would be more inclined to believe that if you had been the first. She has every right to decide whether she has sex or not, no doubt about that. But her motivations can tell you a lot about her character. Sex should not be used to control or manipulate, and these personality traits will result in a push-pull relationship full of drama and game playing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 I cannot believe mine eyes have witnessed a post by what appears to be a female admitting that even a single human female uses sex as a tool, never mind multiple females, without somehow placing the blame back on men. I don't think I've been drinking but I must've been. She makes the important distinction that this is not the behavior of the vast majority - something which a vocal few fail to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 Sex should not be used to control or manipulate, and these personality traits will result in a push-pull relationship full of drama and game playing. And ultimately resentment will destroy it altogether. A wise woman once taught me that often in life and love you will ultimately loose by insisting on having your way or being right all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 I think you should dump her. You and she are obviously not on the same page about your religious beliefs, and it sounds like she is conflicted about bringing sex into your relationship because of her religious faith, and you are not that into your faith, so you are not a match. Therefore, rather than trying to get her to abandon what her religion has taught her, just let her go. I doubt she is trying to manipulate you. She probably just gave in to please you, but felt guilty about going against her faith, and now that guilt has given her resolve in following her faith more closely. You are not a match. I suggest you dump her. Link to post Share on other sites
charlietheginger Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 Christians sin all the time.... Christians are to ask forgiveness and god forgives Two young lovers are often consumed with lust Love and desire... Just as romeo and juliet were seperated by family Rivals and forced apart their souls and bodies merged As one... No one sits and points fingers calling juliet A nasty slut non christian... So lets move on past the" whats christian whats not " You guys had sex... She stopped sex..... My suggestion is mind body control and body mind Control.. The saying is " does the mind rule the body or does The body rule the mind " Often people lose rational thoughts when their Biology takes over... Don't say anything about sex... Simply kiss her make eye contact caress her.... Once she feels love.... Her emotion of love often is returned with Love back in the form of sex.... Except her mind is no longer calling it sex Her mind is calling it love making.... Once she is convinced with no pressure from Link to post Share on other sites
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