mortensorchid Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Everything was fine until 20 minutes ago. The phone rang, and it was him. It was the man I was completely in love with 10 years ago who broke it off because he was bored, then moved away in 05 and I didn't hear a word from him until last year when I found him on Facebook. He wrote back and said he left because he suffered from a certain degree of avoidance or cowardice. He also patted me on the head and said someday I will find a wonderful man who will love me. I snapped back at him over that. I said I was tired of allt he pats on the head that others tell me about this, if they knew the disappointments of looking, being shot down left, right and sideways wherever you look, they wouldn't say that. I think he'd be surprised how bitter I've become in the last few years since he left. Then, 20 minutes ago, the phone rang. It was him. He was in town for something and he wondered if I would like to get together this afternoon. I told him no, I was busy. He said he was in town for a family obligation and he was busy the rest of the time. He asked how I was. I said I was fine, even though I'm not. Financially things are a mess, trouble with my educational pursuits, no job since August. And of course, nothing in the love life. Last bf has some new chippy already, I unfriended him because I'm done with him. (Not like I told him that). Then he said he was happy to hear my voice, I said "Yeah..." I was not about to say the same. Because I knew what he wanted, he wanted to yank my chain, make me have sex with him one more time, and then walk away without saying a word again. He asked "What's with the yeah?" I asked what I was supposed to say. He said "You're angry with me, aren't you?" I asked "What do you think?" He said he was happy, I said "Good for you." Then we hung up. And I've been crying for the last hour or so.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 There there. I really wish I knew something to say that could sooth the pain. Everyone here knows a version of what you feel. Hearing that old line about finding someone someday really doesn't help. Sure someday could be today or tomorrow, or like my own parents perhaps we already know them but it'll be sometime before we realize it. Never the less hearing that BS just stings.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Every time I see your posts it's like you're having an emotional breakdown, it's exhausting just to read, I can only imagine what you are going through the rest of the time on your own. You're in a bad place right now, and the last thing you should be thinking of is dating and being an emotional rut with these people. You've got a lot going on right now, and you've got to reshift your priorities into yourself instead of lingering in this emotional rut feeling sorry for yourself all of the time, wondering why these guys that you pick are not giving you what you want and need. The reason you pick these kind of men to go after is because of the issues within yourself. Listen to yourself, you're crying over some idiot 10 years ago that didn't even give you the time of day, he just uses you for sex whenever it's convenient and you think that is love? You're not in love with the moron, you're in love with the idea of being in love with him. You think that if you were to be together everything would be bright and right and he made you feel like no other guy has and all that crap, when in reality he just fed into your insecurities and you did the rest. All he was there for was some vagina from an emotionally insecure woman that would play by all his rules, so much that he has the nerve to come hit you up like a street walker 10 years later or so of not even having keeping in touch with you...does this sound like a guy who's ever loved you? So if that's the case, then what are you trying to salvage and hold onto? let the guy go, push this fantasy away and expect for yourself and your life, what you're doing right now is just pathetic and you know it. As long as you let these emotions and issues with yourself dominate you then it's going to be no surprise you're going to run into the same men...why? because those men feed into your issues and insecurities and you create this image and fantasy, and when they run...which they always do, you give chase, but you already know you'll never actually catch them...it's that idealization and fantasy that you live only through the chase...it's this just out of reach picture in your head that you feel is so close to attaining...you think you want the "right" guy but I guarantee if a guy you meet doesn't feed into your issues and insecurities then it's going to simply bore you and you won't think of it as love, because for your love is an impulse and a reaction, not something with real meaning. I hope you stop playing with the cards you're currently holding, and instead reshuffle the deck and get some new ones because whatever you're doing right now is clearly not working. You need to face these emotions inside of you, so that you can get through....stop being afraid to get through and let go or you're going to always idealize this douchebag for the rest of your life, see it for what it really was and is, see it for what it meant to him, not just to yourself, see the truth, not the fantasy. Then work on the issues that make you chase a guy like him, look at the pattern, stop putting all this expectation and responsibility on other human beings, they will fail you....every time until you can find someone who you can truly depend on...do you understand how that works? trust should be earned, not just given, especially with your heart and to strange men. You're on a warpath like a drug addict to just recycling and doing this cycle of perpetuating drama in your life, this is your problem, you use men like a crack head uses crack...it's your fix and you think this "love" high is going to last forever so you keep trying to dive in without your eyes truly open, because you haven't realized that you're the one forcing your hand not anyone else, yet you blame everything and everyone else for YOUR problems. You need to take responsibility and accountability and see all of the crap you are putting yourself through and why, or you're just going to keep doing this to yourself and you'll always pick the same men and live on this rollercoaster, and your life will reflect that as well. Create some strength and foundation, some stability for yourself...understand yourself, your weaknesses your strengths, your issues...see a therapist, write them out, express them, but focus on you not the men. You'll start to see everything in a completely different light, but you've got to have the motivation to do that, you know which way is the easy road but if you keep taking that then don't expect anything to change, it'll be your fault, and don't feel sorry yourself for it and beat yourself up, because at any time you could at least try and change it, instead of trying to "fix" your life using the same methods that have never helped you so far. You are feeding into to the way you feel right now, you are allowing it. 6
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 How do you even hold on to feelings you had 10 years ago? When you move on from someone, don't you close that emotional door forever? This is really a non-event, you shouldn't let it affect you this much. 1
rocketman122 Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 sheesh, thats some heavy baggage you shlep around. you will have a hard time with any other relationships you get into because you will be bringing the past with you. 2
dasein Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Sorry you had this experience. He was very inconsiderate in goading you with the "umad?" talk, which is almost always manipulative, and even in asking you to meet out of the blue without some days notification. In all likelihood, he knew you wouldn't meet, and knows how to push your buttons. This is a case of dumper misbehavior, no matter how far in the past, and sorry you had to be the focus of it. Maybe get out and take a walk, do something active, tire yourself out to avoid dwelling on it. Good luck. 1
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 How do you even hold on to feelings you had 10 years ago? When you move on from someone, don't you close that emotional door forever? This is really a non-event, you shouldn't let it affect you this much. No kidding! 10 years??! That's a long time. I can't believe just getting a call from him caused such an emotional response.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 No kidding! 10 years??! That's a long time. I can't believe just getting a call from him caused such an emotional response. I have to admit that's kinda well... I could see if you had children between them or had been married. Feelings just are what they are, and certain ex's just bring up a well of old feelings when they come around. I really think it's more about that old "you'll find someone someday line". If no one ever gives some of us a serious chance how will that happen. People look at the OP's history and think "damaged goods". People look at certain men who haven't had sex or a relationship by a certain age and think "damaged goods". People look at me, or anyone the least bit different from normal in any way and think "damaged goods". It's like unless you do everything like everyone else, live, love, work, think, dress, act, etc like the average and the normal range your damaged goods. Worthy of scorn and isolation from society. That sort of thing gets to us every once in a while. All the OP really wants and needs is for someone to unconditionally love her. That she really deserves that. She is Jenny Curran and needs to give in to being loved by Forrest Gump.
Anela Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 I call it like I see it. Women like her, have nothing to offer. And how would you know? You sound more bitter than she does. mortensorchid, he sounds like the guy who I'm glad is now out of my life. We're the same age, and it sounds like we're in a similar head-space. ♥ Do you honestly think she will change? Hahahaha! She won't. She loves drama, misery, heartache, pain and sorrow. If she didn't, she would clean up her mess, deal with her baggage and stop picking losers. You can reach a point where you don't feel like there's any point in cleaning up whatever mess there is. If you're constantly getting **** on, then why bother trying? I've literally had good news turn to bad in a matter of hours, and it happens often. I don't enjoy the drama, and could really use a stretch of positivity.
ja123 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 You did the right thing by not meeting him, and it sounds like you handled the call well and maintained your self-respect. I think it's not so much "him" that you're mourning right now. It's a combination of all the other things that aren't going well in your life right now. It can be very scary and very lonely to re-build oneself. I know. But it is possible. It really is! It's something that is hard, but so easy, too, if you can shift your mind. Try to do some things that will boost your morale. Even if it's just a distracton of putting on a good film, taking a bath, reading a book. Getting out with other people - friends - could be really helpful. I'm rather down, too, at the moment. Tonight I saw a friend for a movie and it really helped! 1
taya Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 You did the right thing by not meeting him, and it sounds like you handled the call well and maintained your self-respect. I think it's not so much "him" that you're mourning right now. It's a combination of all the other things that aren't going well in your life right now. It can be very scary and very lonely to re-build oneself. I know. But it is possible. It really is! It's something that is hard, but so easy, too, if you can shift your mind. Try to do some things that will boost your morale. Even if it's just a distracton of putting on a good film, taking a bath, reading a book. Getting out with other people - friends - could be really helpful. I'm rather down, too, at the moment. Tonight I saw a friend for a movie and it really helped! i think you did the right thing hun even tho it hurt like hell you step up and send that fool on his way it dosent matter what mistakes you made in your past alot of us have made mistake and we just keep making them you saw your mistake and you fixs it ..and am sorry things are not going too well with everthing eles i hope it will get better soon ..but the crying will stop and you will feel better because beep down you know you did the right thing ..you show him you respect your self so stop the crying and hold your head high
Author mortensorchid Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 I wrote a blog about it. If anyone would like to read, follow the link: [COLOR=#3b5998]http://[/COLOR]2ndclepunkbuddha.blogspot.com/
taya Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I wrote a blog about it. If anyone would like to read, follow the link: [COLOR=#3b5998]http://[/COLOR]2ndclepunkbuddha.blogspot.com/ i did read your blog wow and how are you doing feeling much better? no more crying right
Author mortensorchid Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 I have stopped crying. I still tear up when I recall this event to others. I don't want to live my life in misery, and I have taken all comments, negative and positive, to heart. I wrote a blog (see above) about it, and then the caller who prompted all this misery and heartache and mental illness blocked me from Facebook. That was another stab, but I would not expect anything less from him. He doesn't care about anyone but himself and got a certain pleasure out of stirring up trouble. I have resolved my feelings of abandonment, which I felt like. He said that I was not angry with him, I was angry at the void that he created. I was angry at both. If I see someone who even looks like him on the street, I still hurt. It doesn't truly go away. But I have resolved it, it's good to have knowledge and to also know that it's nothing that I did or said, it was him. I allowed myself to go down a path that I am coming out of now. Freedom is a good thing to have.
freetolove Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 chill out there, pull your life together!
mickleb Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 (edited) I have stopped crying. I still tear up when I recall this event to others. I don't want to live my life in misery, and I have taken all comments, negative and positive, to heart. I wrote a blog (see above) about it, and then the caller who prompted all this misery and heartache and mental illness blocked me from Facebook. That was another stab, but I would not expect anything less from him. He doesn't care about anyone but himself and got a certain pleasure out of stirring up trouble. I have resolved my feelings of abandonment, which I felt like. He said that I was not angry with him, I was angry at the void that he created. I was angry at both. If I see someone who even looks like him on the street, I still hurt. It doesn't truly go away. But I have resolved it, it's good to have knowledge and to also know that it's nothing that I did or said, it was him. I allowed myself to go down a path that I am coming out of now. Freedom is a good thing to have. This sounds much stronger, mortens - way to go! Freedom IS a good thing to have and you are realising that you have choices. Very empowering! I look forward to hearing more posts from your stronger self! x Edited November 25, 2012 by mickleb
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