AsItIs Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) How do I stop this? I love sex but, I'm not looking for just a casual fling. Yet... whenever I meet someone who I'm attracted to, I find myself fighting the urge to make sexual references, in coversations right away. Or if I'm just having a really hot & heavy makeout session, I'll get so horny & immediately want to take it to the next level. I recently bought myself some toys, so that I don't have to depend on a man for that (since I'm not in a relationship) but still...it didn't work. I can't control myself & always pick up the pace way too fast. I recently had sex with a guy that I really liked, on our 3rd date & I may have messed up our chance of actually having a good relationship. I think I may have a problem! How do I refrain from being too sexual right away? Edited October 16, 2012 by AsItIs 1
Pompom Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I can't answer your question, but I know what it's like. If I like a guy, I drop the genitalia words a lot. Can't help it. If I'm alone with him or on a date, I go with the hope of it being true love, or if not, at least lead to sex. Like you I'm "oversexed" like that, but I actually enjoy it. Also, if the guy likes you, why would having sex in the beginning ruin your chances at a relationship? One guy recently told him that he'd find it a nice change for once if a woman was to bring this up sooner, rather than taking it needlessly slow when they both wanted to up the pace.
veggirl Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 1st of all, that guy was likely never interested in a real relationship, remember he never even took you on a real date. 2nd of all, are you sure the sexual vibe you "can't help" but give off is actually because you are soooo horny? are you sure it's not an attempt to "win over" the guy with sex? I don't know, as an adult I can control myself no matter how horny or attracted I am, and sexual chatter with a basic stranger is inappropriate and obviously gives off the impression that it's all you want. I think your actual problem is that you are trying to use sex to hook a guy, like that is all you have to offer and if you don't give them sex they won't like you. Once you realize that just sex is never going to get you the guy, you'll likely find it easier to control yourself....
MrCastle Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Franky, I don't see what the problem is here. 5
CptObvious Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 How do I stop this? I love sex but, I'm not looking for just a casual fling. Yet... whenever I meet someone who I'm attracted to, I find myself fighting the urge to make sexual references, in coversations right away. Or if I'm just having a really hot & heavy makeout session, I'll get so horny & immediately want to take it to the next level. I recently bought myself some toys, so that I don't have to depend on a man for that (since I'm not in a relationship) but still...it didn't work. I can't control myself & always pick up the pace way too fast. I recently had sex with a guy that I really liked, on our 3rd date & I may have messed up our chance of actually having a good relationship. I think I may have a problem! How do I refrain from being too sexual right away? Why can't all girls be like you? 1
computerist Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Do you think that maybe you are addicted a little too much to that initial rush you get from all of that kind of foreplay ? I think the only drawback is that men will see you one dimesionally opposed to growing a deeper and more interesting thing.. 1
Jane2011 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) 1st of all, that guy was likely never interested in a real relationship, remember he never even took you on a real date. 2nd of all, are you sure the sexual vibe you "can't help" but give off is actually because you are soooo horny? are you sure it's not an attempt to "win over" the guy with sex? I don't know, as an adult I can control myself no matter how horny or attracted I am, and sexual chatter with a basic stranger is inappropriate and obviously gives off the impression that it's all you want. I think your actual problem is that you are trying to use sex to hook a guy, like that is all you have to offer and if you don't give them sex they won't like you. Once you realize that just sex is never going to get you the guy, you'll likely find it easier to control yourself.... I definitely think there may be something to the above. Not to say that you (OP) are doing this on purpose or that you have "low self-esteem," but it's true you may be jumping into making out and having sex quickly to distract from having conversations with the guy you're with. First of all, let me say that I can relate to you in some ways. I don't think I had/have your problem # 1 (having the need/inclination to, in conversation, make references to sex), but I think I have had your problem # 2 (wanting to take it to the next level if making out starts to happen). I, too, often attributed it to my being very sexual and just wanting to do it, (and that's not entirely un-true), but I also began to realize, when I read some article about it, that it was also me trying to utilize a sure-fire way to get him excited about me. As women, we have a lot of sexual power. Men, generally speaking, are super excited about having sex with us. We know this, and we naturally are intoxicated by that power. It's not always "low self esteem" or "desperately needing love" that makes a woman have sex quickly; sometimes the sexual power is just something we're instinctively intoxicated with using, just because it (the power) is there. Even if the guy is generally attracted to us anyway, it can be enthralling to heighten/maximize that attraction (in the moment) by being very, very sexual and flirty with him. Yet, like I said, it also has to do with you (the woman). You may be unsure of how well you could keep him interested if you just sat there talking with him without touching him, making sexual references, or initiating making out. You may doubt your conversation skills. You may doubt how well you can hold back-and-forth with him about things. You may think sex and being sexy is a huge part of your overall appeal and charm, and hence use it as your "go-to" strategy. Shouldn't be the case. You have more to offer. You have a brain and a mind. Before you go on dates, read a lot about a variety of topics. This doesn't have to mean weeks of reading. I just mean, spend a few days beforehand reading about a variety of things, pop culture, recent health news, some current events, what-have-you. Believe me, at least some of it will be used when you're on the date, because if you talk freely about things, there's always an opening for the inclusion of certain things you've been exposed to. It's not just this, though. I'm not saying that one must be able to talk about current events and recent goings-on in the world. Part of your "brain and mind" is just your talking in general. Even if it's just sharing with him who you are as a person, your experiences, your values, interests, etc., you must let him get to know those things and not rely on sex. That said, I agree in general with the idea that the right types of guys don't care if you have sex quickly. If they're interested, they're interested. I've had sex with several guys super-fast who still were interested (even to varying degrees "smitten" with me for months and months even after I had sex with them in, like, 2 seconds) Also, I've jumped in with some guys, I know darn well, just 'cause I wanted to. I thought THEY weren't good at talking (from my pre-knowledge of them), or at at least not good enough, and I just wanted the more sexual things right away. But I think when you do the "jump in" with a guy who has the potential to be a boyfriend that you can converse with fairly easily, you may be selling yourself short or failing to try being HIGHLY ATTRACTIVE to him just with your brain and personal charms. Edited October 16, 2012 by Jane2011 1
missgangrene Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 How do I stop this? I love sex but, I'm not looking for just a casual fling. Yet... whenever I meet someone who I'm attracted to, I find myself fighting the urge to make sexual references, in coversations right away. Or if I'm just having a really hot & heavy makeout session, I'll get so horny & immediately want to take it to the next level. I recently bought myself some toys, so that I don't have to depend on a man for that (since I'm not in a relationship) but still...it didn't work. I can't control myself & always pick up the pace way too fast. I recently had sex with a guy that I really liked, on our 3rd date & I may have messed up our chance of actually having a good relationship. I think I may have a problem! How do I refrain from being too sexual right away? AsItIs, I can totally relate. I usually don't discuss this with people, because people seem to think it's "weird" for a girl to be this way. Guys are expected to constantly have sex on the brain and be horny, but if a girl does it, it's considered weird/slutty/low self-esteem, etc. In the few times I've discussed my high sex drive and how I sometimes lose interest in a guy after I've had sex with him (especially if the sex is bad LOL), I've been told I am "like a guy", and not in a good way. In the last year or so, I've decided I'm more interested in perhaps having a relationship. So, what I've tried to do with guys I'm interested in is to build up more of a friendship at first, which works for me because I never have sex with my friends. This way I'm forcing myself to consider all other aspects of the guy that aren't physical, such as intelligence, sense of humor, interests, and other traits. So far, it's worked pretty well. I have yet to have casual sex with anyone since employing this tactic.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I actually read this advice here on LoveShack and I think that it is good advice for anyone, male or female, who is seriously interested in establishing a real solid relationship. Give the whole idea of casual sex a break during this time. It distracts you and can lead you astray, as well as putting you in the wrong place when the right person might be presenting themselves. I am pretty offended by men who have a "3 date rule" AND by women who want to see all kinds of hoop - jumping before they will have sex. I do think that people who are interested in a serious relationship are much more likely to take their time with getting sexual with a potential partner; after all, they are trying to embark on something that will last a long time. What's the hurry? There is also a lot of deliciousness in the time when people really want each other and aren't having each other … yet. It's so FUN and wonderful! Once you cross that threshold, you can not return. Why not savor it? 2
kaylan Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 OP, if you like sex, just enjoy it. If you and a guy really like each other, it wont be a fling. If your worried about flings, stop having sex with people you see little potential with.
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