Am I too sensitive regarding talking about sex too early?

[curlygirl40]

Hello!

 

Sigh. So I'm OLD (Match and sometimes OKCupid) and have been meeting lots of guys.

 

My goal at this point is to find someone that I click with, date, work into a relationship, etc.. I have worked hard (IMO) to get to where I'm at and feel like I'm finally ready to pursue a real relationship after my divorce.

 

I know that sex/intimacy is a normal part of dating/relationships, obviously. But I find that I am keeping a VERY close eye on a guy's actions/words in the beginning to try to suss out whether they are looking to date and build something into a relationship or if sex is their primary focus. I'm no prude, believe me. Once it gets to that point, anyway.

 

Last night I went on a first date with a guy that I had been talking to online for a couple of weeks. We e-mailed back and forth for about a week and then texted for about a week.

 

He asked me out for drinks, I was going out with the girls the night he asked, but not until later in the evening so I agreed to meet up with him.

 

We had a good time. Seems to have some walls up, seems very cautious when we talked via e-mail/text, but in person we clicked right away and laughed the whole time and had a great time. He was a little touchy (respectfully), sitting closely to me (we were at the bar), things like that.

 

He walked me to my car, kissed me quickly (like a peck on the lips), and we said goodbye.

 

Later that night after I got settled in with the girls, I texted him to tell him thanks again and that I had a good time. He was out with his friends at this point also but texted me on and off the whole time.

 

He has been very respectful. Actually there hasn't even been any real flirting. Definitely no talk of sex.

 

About midnight I was home already and climbing into bed and he was headed home from his night as well.

 

He then texted me "I'm heading home now, too bad you're going to sleep". I responded "Why is that?" (being stupid maybe, I was tired and didn't realize the convo had taken a turn, I thought maybe he wanted to text more after he got home. Duh).

 

So then he texted "If you'd like company...." I didn't know what to say so stupidly just said 'Ha! Nice'. He said 'Well, you only live once'. I said ':-) Goodnight'.

 

This surprises me. There has been NO talk of sex, no sexual innuendos, nothing of the sort. We e-mailed then texted, then met for 2 hours. I have known this guy for 2 hours and he's texting me 'If you'd like company.....', at midnight?

 

Not gonna happen.

 

So that's my question to you guys. Am I being overly sensitive? Do you think he maybe had one too many drinks and was joking? Or just figuring wth might as well give it a try?

 

I can't figure these men out. We're both in our 40's btw.

[MrCastle]

What's his situation? Maybe he's recently divorced as well and was anxious to get back into the swing of things?

 

Either way, I don't understand how this continues to come up in peoples' 40's--it's just sex. Either you want it and have it with someone or you don't.

 

I do think you're looking a little too much into this specific situation but if you don't want a miscommunication, tell him you're not looking for sex, at least early on. You are both adults.

[curlygirl40]

He's been divorced about a year. Me, 2 years.

 

I like sex. I want to have sex. I want to have a LOT of sex. I'm peaking darnit!!! I am very clear on that (in my head. I have kept that out of my profile, lol)

 

But I would like to have that sex in a dating relationship. Not the same evening I meet a guy. Period.

 

We hadn't really talked at all about 'what are you looking for?'. If a guy doesn't give me that info out of the gate, I usually don't ask before the very first date. I don't want him to feel like he's being interrogated and I figure there is enough time for that kind of talk after we know if we even click in person.

 

I really figure if I meet a guy out one time and find that we are looking for different things, I have really not lost anything. So I don't try to establish those things before the first date.

 

Thank you so much, though Castle. And yes, I know it's 'just' sex and we're in our 40's and we can be adults about it. But sex is not only what I'm looking for. So I'm trying to be cautious so you don't see me posting a 'I had sex on the first date, and now I haven't heard from him, is he just crazy busy at work?' type of thread. lol

[ascendotum]

Do you think he maybe had one too many drinks and was joking? Or just figuring wth might as well give it a try?

He might have had one too many drinks, but he wasn't joking. It was a case of give it a try. Majority of single guys would like to end up at the end of the week between a woman's legs. It was a bit of a risky move (in terms of you writing him off), but maybe he sensed you were okay with his touching earlier on, so decided to escalate the intimacy aspect. So, is he still in the running for another date?

 

 

We hadn't really talked at all about 'what are you looking for?'. If a guy doesn't give me that info out of the gate, I usually don't ask before the very first date. I don't want him to feel like he's being interrogated and I figure there is enough time for that kind of talk after we know if we even click in person.

I think that's a good idea, personally.

[mtnbiker]

That text, "If You'd like company" is try for a late night hit. However, this does not necessarily mean that's all he is after. He might have thought that since you both had a good time and you kept in contact repeatedly afterwards that you were possibly looking for some late night adult fun. This is far from the dismissive, FWB stuck, contact. I have been here...almost unsure of what this cntact post-date meant. Doesn't seem like a "douche" to me just yet.

[thatone]

Hello!

 

Sigh. So I'm OLD (Match and sometimes OKCupid) and have been meeting lots of guys.

 

My goal at this point is to find someone that I click with, date, work into a relationship, etc.. I have worked hard (IMO) to get to where I'm at and feel like I'm finally ready to pursue a real relationship after my divorce.

 

I know that sex/intimacy is a normal part of dating/relationships, obviously. But I find that I am keeping a VERY close eye on a guy's actions/words in the beginning to try to suss out whether they are looking to date and build something into a relationship or if sex is their primary focus. I'm no prude, believe me. Once it gets to that point, anyway.

 

Last night I went on a first date with a guy that I had been talking to online for a couple of weeks. We e-mailed back and forth for about a week and then texted for about a week.

 

He asked me out for drinks, I was going out with the girls the night he asked, but not until later in the evening so I agreed to meet up with him.

 

We had a good time. Seems to have some walls up, seems very cautious when we talked via e-mail/text, but in person we clicked right away and laughed the whole time and had a great time. He was a little touchy (respectfully), sitting closely to me (we were at the bar), things like that.

 

He walked me to my car, kissed me quickly (like a peck on the lips), and we said goodbye.

 

Later that night after I got settled in with the girls, I texted him to tell him thanks again and that I had a good time. He was out with his friends at this point also but texted me on and off the whole time.

 

He has been very respectful. Actually there hasn't even been any real flirting. Definitely no talk of sex.

 

About midnight I was home already and climbing into bed and he was headed home from his night as well.

 

He then texted me "I'm heading home now, too bad you're going to sleep". I responded "Why is that?" (being stupid maybe, I was tired and didn't realize the convo had taken a turn, I thought maybe he wanted to text more after he got home. Duh).

 

So then he texted "If you'd like company...." I didn't know what to say so stupidly just said 'Ha! Nice'. He said 'Well, you only live once'. I said ':-) Goodnight'.

 

This surprises me. There has been NO talk of sex, no sexual innuendos, nothing of the sort. We e-mailed then texted, then met for 2 hours. I have known this guy for 2 hours and he's texting me 'If you'd like company.....', at midnight?

 

Not gonna happen.

 

So that's my question to you guys. Am I being overly sensitive? Do you think he maybe had one too many drinks and was joking? Or just figuring wth might as well give it a try?

 

I can't figure these men out. We're both in our 40's btw.

 

Yeah you're being overly sensitive.

 

Men will not have the same opinion of sex that you do, if you're in your 40s you should know that by now. There's no harm in asking.

[curlygirl40]

Thank you for your responses.

 

The touching in the bar was appropriate, letting his leg touch mine while we were sitting at the bar kind of thing. Not really touching like his hand on my knee or things like that but just enough to know that he was warming up to me, that he probably had some interest since he wasn't turning his body away from mine, that kind of stuff. I always pay attention to that sort of stuff on a first date.

 

 

If I go out with him again would depend on his actions after that night. Part of me wouldn't blame him for trying and just kinda 'throwing it out there' if he then acted appropriately with me after and asked me out for a second date. If that second date was 'pizza and a movie' at his place, then nah.

 

I'm looking for a relationship so I'm trying to align my actions with that in mind.

 

Thanks again!!

[CarrieT]

Yeah you're being overly sensitive.

 

Men will not have the same opinion of sex that you do, if you're in your 40s you should know that by now. There's no harm in asking.

I am also a woman in my 40s who went through the same thing and I have to agree with Thatone.

 

At this point in our life, men don't want to go through the weeks and weeks of courting with the potential for sex. By your 40s, you should at least be able to talk openly and frankly about it.

 

You may not want to engage in sexual activity early in a relationship, but you should be able to discuss it - and that includes you, CurlyGirl, telling guys that you like them but are not ready to introduce sex as a topic of conversation yet.

 

If a guy likes you, he is going to probably express it through sexual desire. You simply have to learn how to deflect the attention if it unwanted early on in a potential relationship.

 

I remember talking to a guy online that I found a decent connection with. We were even discussing when to introduce sex in the relationship when he sent me a video of a cum-shot. Now THAT went over the line and I told him so... I was okay talking about it, but didn't need to see it that early on.