sammiexo Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Hey everyone, I am in desperate need of advice over this. I cannot stop obsessing. BF has these friends he met on league of legends. they hang out from time to time. I never thought anything of "Ally" until this happened a few months ago- Boyfriend was ranting to me about Ally's new boyfriend they met at dinner. Bf said Ally is cute and she can get any guy she wants and he didn't know why she was with that boy for. He got so worked up over him that warning bells went off in my head. So I said this: "one of you LoL people should have dated her." BF said, "I'm dating you already, what's the point?" I was like it doesn't matter. He went on to talk about something else for a second but then I guess he was thinking about my question again because then he said, "should have." *5 second pause* "Or they should have." Wasn't sure if he had mispoke or not but I didn't call him out on it. Here a few more points that make me wary... - Defended her when explaining why she cheated on her boyfriend of 5 years...like giving reasons why she did and that it was understandable. - Called her nice and really elegant. - I think Ally likes him as she is always inviting him to go out. Luckily it's never 1 on 1 but strangely boyfriend rarely tells me Ally is there when he hangs out with them (and yes I have met Ally before which is why I find it odd). What do you think? Should I confront him about this? Does he like her? We have been together for 7 years in case you're wondering (we're both in our late 20s). Thanks for your help.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 This happened to me once in the past a really, really, long time ago. I was out with my GF and we were meeting one of her friends (well I was) for the first time and naturally I didn't expect anything of it, whatever didn't care or think much of it, just another friend even though her friends tend to be attractive, so what...that is until we got there to.... I'm not blown away easily by many women but wow... I could not help gushing a bit over her because she was very attractive and just gave off this alluring and seductive vibe...I was smitten, and I didn't even intend to or think about it. Without even thinking I had complimented her and I think without thinking and just threw about 3 or 4 more in there throughout the night..I don't even tend to glance at any other attractive woman I happen to see in my GF's presence. It wasn't like I wasn't into my GF by any degree and she was beautiful herself. I found myself after meeting her a few times talking about her to my GF, and giving these compliments and telling my GF that she shouldn't be the guy she is now yadda yadda...I honestly didn't even see myself doing it. She just really came off like this awesome girl, really nice, sweet, genuine, easy to talk to, good energy. Calmly but with some tension she then told me "You liked her didn't you..." I said "Nahhh, no way, she's very nice and all, pretty obviously" ....She was driving and had a tension in her arms and neck like the trembling defensive posture of a cornered black cat, with that native american indian peering-over-large-mountain-top intense and unwavering glaze in her eyes like she's having flashbacks of the white man cutting down her people, while on horse back..I had hoped she hadn't noticed at this point, I was even in a bit of denial myself but when she told me...at that moment it just came crashing down how foolish and inappropriately I was acting because I was reflecting about the things I was doing and saying. So I'm basically saying damnit damnit damnit in my mind.. She then said with a bit of increased rage/hurt, like turning up the fire from a burner on the stove " I can tell, I've NEVER seen you act like that around anyone before, you were acting weird and being really nice and complimentary towards her and all giddy like a girl" I wanted to jump out the window into oncoming traffic at that point...I totally didn't intend to act this way, I wasn't even thinking about what I was saying and how i was acting though and knew I was outright busted because I don't ever act that way...she just sat there in silence waiting for me to respond.. So I said " Ummm....heh, umm Is it that obvious? I'm sorry!...I was caught off guard...I found her very attractive yadda yadda yadda (should have stopped talking of course way before that!) I was kind of upset with myself and my behavior, even though having admitted it and knowing that her friend was attractive and got a lot of male attention she naturally felt hurt and insecure about it. I told her how beautiful she was and how I was just acting stupid and yadda yadda but the damage was done. At that point I changed my behavior, unfortunately by trying to "prove" how uninterested I was in her friend by making remarks and putting her down (immature move of course) but I felt so guilty, embarrassed and ashamed and i just wanted to back-pedal. All in all this girl wasn't even a saint, I was over it quickly the more I found out and saw how she was....things I won't go into, but she was a bad egg in the end. This is part of the relationship dynamic, sometimes especially when guys are young may get a little attached or interested in women and we just need to be nudged a little bit that what we're doing is not only noticeable but reminded that it is appropriate. You've got a long relationship history and you're both quite young...attraction or interest to other people is going to happen, it just is, it's how you handle, communicate and get through this things will tell whether you last the test of time and truly are dedicated to being together. Try to be calm about, let him say his piece and don't just rip him a new one but tell him how you feel and that he seems to be interested, you notice, you're sure other people notice and he needs to put the relationship first and stop being so attached and invested with this other woman. If he starts to act defensive, just tell him to stop, it's obvious, you don't care how he feels he just to realize how you feel about this and how it makes you feel to see him showing so much care and concern for another woman. This should remind him and cause him to think about what he's doing and his actions...If he denies it, pushes you away, makes accusations and acts defensively and insists on "punishing" you over this, then you have a big problem...otherwise he should be understanding If he doesn't feel pressed too hard and made out to feel like a bad guy too much over it. 2
Author sammiexo Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Thanks so much for your post. I am just not sure if I am overreacting at the things he has said about her. Is it something I should be irritated over? And if i should even bother bringing it up to him because I let time pass
veggirl Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Not sure what Ninja is really talking about. I have never been so enthralled with a guy (when I have a boyfriend) that I literally can't control myself from complimenting him / find myself gushing about him to my boyfriend Not cool! OP I would be concerned because he sounds very into her, why does he always have to point out when she is around, what was with that "should have" comment, the defending her bad behavior of cheating...well your boyfriend DEFINITELY has a crush on Ally. I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing my boyfriend is crushing on another girl, yours doesn't even bother being discreet! I would be uncomfortable with this friendship, absolutely. eta: you should bring this up. 1
Author sammiexo Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 I still haven't said anything yet. I am really nervous about bringing it up. I don't want things to get weird between us or have him get defensive and turn it around on me
CptObvious Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 There's only one thing u can do. Sign up to LoL and wreck that bitch. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Hey everyone, I am in desperate need of advice over this. I cannot stop obsessing. BF has these friends he met on league of legends. they hang out from time to time. I never thought anything of "Ally" until this happened a few months ago- Boyfriend was ranting to me about Ally's new boyfriend they met at dinner. Bf said Ally is cute and she can get any guy she wants and he didn't know why she was with that boy for. He got so worked up over him that warning bells went off in my head. So I said this: "one of you LoL people should have dated her." BF said, "I'm dating you already, what's the point?" I was like it doesn't matter. He went on to talk about something else for a second but then I guess he was thinking about my question again because then he said, "should have." *5 second pause* "Or they should have." Wasn't sure if he had mispoke or not but I didn't call him out on it. Here a few more points that make me wary... - Defended her when explaining why she cheated on her boyfriend of 5 years...like giving reasons why she did and that it was understandable. - Called her nice and really elegant. - I think Ally likes him as she is always inviting him to go out. Luckily it's never 1 on 1 but strangely boyfriend rarely tells me Ally is there when he hangs out with them (and yes I have met Ally before which is why I find it odd). What do you think? Should I confront him about this? Does he like her? We have been together for 7 years in case you're wondering (we're both in our late 20s). Thanks for your help. I think you should talk to your boyfriend if it made you uncomfortable you should have enough trust in him and know him well enough to talk to him and let him know that it upset you no time is time like the present time to say something that you are keeping to yourself meaning forget how much time has gone past do it now for your sake and for his sake he is comfortable with you and feels he can tell you everything (he didnt hide what he thought of this allY did he?) obviously....he probably didnt mean to gush you just dont know..... talk to him....no one on here knows his thoughts(including me) only he does and you will if he is honest........bite the bullet....go front line....be straight up and dont accuse .....tell him how you felt....he will automatically tell you what he feels......without being defensive it will naturally progress into either a healing discussion or an enlightened discussion and enlightenment can sometimes not be what you want to hear or know.... but necessary for growth in relationships and self awareness...best wishes and a hopeful healing discussion.deb
january2011 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I agree that your BF knows that he's doing this. He can't help himself. And his confusion and how to deal is translating into defensiveness. This makes it difficult for either of you to broach this subject without it immediately turning into an argument. After seven years, you both need to be open and honest about this. He has a thing for her and he has to deal with it because it's already starting to drive a wedge between the two of you. You need to have a serious talk with him. Tell him that you see what's going on and how it makes you feel. He may deny it again. He may or may not agree with you (willingly) but it is important that you point out that his behaviour and hers is harming your relationship. You need him to do what is necessary to protect your relationship. And if he allows the situation to continue then you will take that to mean that he is choosing her over you. Let him mull it over. But be prepared to walk. It's extremely difficult to have a long-term future when one party prioritises someone else over their LTR partner, especially another woman who is not even a blood relative.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Ninjainpajamas I was kind of upset with myself and my behavior, even though having admitted it and knowing that her friend was attractive and got a lot of male attention she naturally felt hurt and insecure about it. I told her how beautiful she was and how I was just acting stupid and yadda yadda but the damage was done. Oh Ninja, you never tell another girl how beautiful she is right after you were fawning all over another one. It comes off really insincere and not worth a heck of a lot. This is part of the relationship dynamic, sometimes especially when guys are young may get a little attached or interested in women and we just need to be nudged a little bit that what we're doing is not only noticeable but reminded that it is appropriate. I don't think any woman should be with a man that needs to be "nudged" back to her and away from an interest in another woman. And it's really not fair to ask that to be the woman's responsibility when he should be keeping himself in check. OP, I think it sounds problematic. I think you need to just out right ask your boyfriend how he feels about this other woman and if he is interested in her in that way. Ask him to be totally honest with you. And if he does say he is kind of interested in her, be brave enough to ask him if he wants to pursue something with her. It's not going to be an easy conversation to have but I really think you need to have it.Either way, you will have a good answer. He will either reaffirm his commitment to you or he won't. And no matter which way it goes, at least you find out now where you stand rather then later. It's certainly going to require a lot of patience and difficult feelings to work through on your end to accomplish this but I think it has to be done. 1
Author sammiexo Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 I can't thank you all enough for your kind words and helpful advice. Hopefully I will be back soon with an update.
Author sammiexo Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Ok. Well he wasn't happy when I asked him about it. He called my explanation of my feelings about it "psycho ramblings" and it is "always something" with me. Just like I thought, he turned it around on me (this is a typical reaction from him, by the way)...he did say if he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't and asked why do I obsess over bs.... I won't be too happy if he ends up inviting her to his birthday in a couple of months, though, after this conversation.
utterer of lies Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Not sure what Ninja is really talking about. I have never been so enthralled with a guy (when I have a boyfriend) that I literally can't control myself from complimenting him / find myself gushing about him to my boyfriend Not cool! Oh, that's because you are a woman and have no feelings. If you want to know how it feels, imagine it's about an amazing pair of shoes.
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