Graywulfx Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I will keep this short and sweet. I am 29, she is 25. We met trough a mutual friend at a party, hit it off and dated for 4 months. I was 'official' with her for 1 month. Today I decided to end it. Not because I didnt enjoy her company, or because the spark faded. I just couldn't live with her insecurity. It started with her checking my phone, looking over my shoulder, and asking about every detail of my nights. She openly researched my Facebook, Instagram and twitter. She knew intricate details of my past based upon this research. I enjoy my freedom. I feel I am entitled to my independance. I didn't feel the need to ask for permission to go out or run a situation by her so she can weigh in. Naturally, if the situation is huge or potentially relationship altering I would run it by her out of respect, but daily stuff isn't volunteered, but never omitted if questioned. My question to you is: What are your expectations for a fresh relationship? Mine are simple: You are my new girlfriend. I will protect you, make you feel secure, and cheer you up when you're having a crappy day. Also, we are sexually exclusive. The rest is earned over time. I ask because this woman said I was self preserving and unable to put another person first. Should I have been more open this early into the relationship or was her insecurity playing out?
MercuryMorrison1 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I wouldn't worry about it. Based on the info you provided it sounds like she's just very insecure. She's probably been emotionally hurt once or maybe even multiple times in the past which has made her this way, unfortunatly that's an issue she will have to realize and sort out on her own. I think you did the right thing by ending it. If you never gave her a warrentable reason to beleive that you might be fooling around outside of the relationship and she still acted like that, then you will be much happier finding someone else. As to anwser your question directly, In freash new relationships my expectations are realtivly low. I expect all the same things you listed and gradually my expectations rise over time if I feel comfortable with that person.
Author Graywulfx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Hey Mercury, thanks for responding so quickly. I was just thrown by her calling me selfish and unable to put someone else first. Am I some kind of sociopath? Did I poison this relationship with my need for independance? You reinforced what I was learning toward. Low expectations initially and the gradual building of expectations when trust is established.
MercuryMorrison1 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 No I don't think your a sociopath haha. Most of time people can't accept their own faults, so they try and creat a fault on someone else (If that makes sence) alot of times these people don't even realize that they are doing this because in their mind they are so convinced that they are right that the only logical anwser to the problum is that there is something wrong with the other person involved. At least that's what I've see in my own experiences.
Radu Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Hey Mercury, thanks for responding so quickly. I was just thrown by her calling me selfish and unable to put someone else first. Am I some kind of sociopath? Did I poison this relationship with my need for independance? You reinforced what I was learning toward. Low expectations initially and the gradual building of expectations when trust is established. Nope, she just wanted you in your place, safe, predictable, without free will. I really hope she doesn't become a mother before solving this issue of hers.
Author Graywulfx Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Thats what I figured. I appreciate your input!
Meg717 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I agree with all of the above! Not that snooping is ever OK, but I did the same thing when my ex and I first started dating. He never gave me a reason to look through his phone but he'd "deal" with it and then when he'd have a problem with it I'd be suspicious..and it was just a terrible cycle...it's never good to start a relationship with this type of behavior.
somedude81 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I'm confused, what does insecurity have to do with snooping?
Author Graywulfx Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Insecurities fuel the desire to snoop. At least that's what I observed with that particular woman. If she was secure, like I was in the relationship, she wouldn't feel the need to snoop. Right?
MercuryMorrison1 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I'm confused, what does insecurity have to do with snooping? Someone who's insecure about themselves will likely snoop threw their signifigant others private things, Cell Phone, Facebook, Email...etc...etc without having a real reason to. Its like this... I can understand someone snooping if they have a real reason to beleive that their other half is cheating on them. I snooped on one of my ex girlfriends cell phones because I suspected her of cheating, and I was right! But the difference here is that I had a reason for snooping. I didn't just do it because my self esteem was so low that I couldn't fathom her just wanting to be with me and me only, which is how people who are insecure feel, which causes them to act irrationally.
veggirl Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 You did the right thing. She is psycho, snooping through her boyfriend of one months phone and FB and stuff?! Unacceptable and speaks volumes about HER character. And then blaming you? What was her excuse for all the snooping? Anyway, she is screwed up, this type of behavior early on is only going to lead to way worse later on!
Author Graywulfx Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Maybe she thought I was hooking up with my ex? She seemed to be particularly interested in her. She found 2 missed calls from ex. Also, my ex called one night after the she had been drinking. I calmly explained to her that they are missed calls for a reason. I don't want to talk to her. I control one person in this world and that is me. Also, I'm pretty sure she went through my homeserver. I have 3 years of pictures of my ex in there that I forgot about. Should I be deleting this stuff? Should I be blocking numbers and going scorched earth with anything involving an ex?
veggirl Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Maybe she thought I was hooking up with my ex? She seemed to be particularly interested in her. She found 2 missed calls from ex. Also, my ex called one night after the she had been drinking. I calmly explained to her that they are missed calls for a reason. I don't want to talk to her. I control one person in this world and that is me. Also, I'm pretty sure she went through my homeserver. I have 3 years of pictures of my ex in there that I forgot about. Should I be deleting this stuff? Should I be blocking numbers and going scorched earth with anything involving an ex? Dude, no you don't need to necessarily block your ex. Your gf shouldn't have been searching for s.hit like that, it was totally inappropriate. I mean geez if my bf went through my computer, he would find pics of an ex in my picture files. That is normal. I don't like have them on display or anything but yeah there are some on my computer. So what? Like I said, it's normal. What's not normal is a girl who has been your gf for ONE MONTH ripping through your computer / phone like a psychopath.
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