Mr. Sexy Talk called today!

[RedRobin]

Ok, this is mostly about one guy... but it could be about more than one guy... because it happens alot with me. Probably three times in the past six months...

 

I'll call him Mr. Sexy Talk... the guy who becomes very inappropriate very early on... the one I say in no uncertain terms...

 

"Sorry, we aren't compatible."

"Our goals and values are different."

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm not interested?!"

 

So, he calls today. I pick up because I never saved his number in my cell phone in the first place.

 

Says he wants to be just friends... (uh huh) and feels bad about being such a jerk before.

 

Ok, I'm cool with being friends (waiting for the other shoe to drop).

 

Sure enough... he calls back and says he saw me the other day on my bike and then went home to beat off.

 

I just laughed and said "la-la-la-la, I'm not hearing you!! Keep that to yourself, Mr. Friend."

 

I signed off and said, "well, I'm glad we are still on speaking terms (we have a mutual acquaintance). Have a great day and I'll see you around."

 

I made sure I put his name in my phone this time so if he calls again, I can ignore.

 

 

 

Seriously... who does this? Does it freaking work? I suppose it must, otherwise they wouldn't do it.

 

Jeez, it just comes across as so... sad.

 

Oopsie, he just texted... oh no... that'll teach me to friggin' pick up the phone and try to be civil. Sheesh.

[Titanwolf]

Ok, this is mostly about one guy... but it could be about more than one guy... because it happens alot with me. Probably three times in the past six months...

 

I'll call him Mr. Sexy Talk... the guy who becomes very inappropriate very early on... the one I say in no uncertain terms...

 

"Sorry, we aren't compatible."

"Our goals and values are different."

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm not interested?!"

 

So, he calls today. I pick up because I never saved his number in my cell phone in the first place.

 

Says he wants to be just friends... (uh huh) and feels bad about being such a jerk before.

 

Ok, I'm cool with being friends (waiting for the other shoe to drop).

 

Sure enough... he calls back and says he saw me the other day on my bike and then went home to beat off.

 

I just laughed and said "la-la-la-la, I'm not hearing you!! Keep that to yourself, Mr. Friend."

 

I signed off and said, "well, I'm glad we are still on speaking terms (we have a mutual acquaintance). Have a great day and I'll see you around."

 

I made sure I put his name in my phone this time so if he calls again, I can ignore.

 

 

 

Seriously... who does this? Does it freaking work? I suppose it must, otherwise they wouldn't do it.

 

Jeez, it just comes across as so... sad.

 

Oopsie, he just texted... oh no... that'll teach me to friggin' pick up the phone and try to be civil. Sheesh.

I admire your resilience lol. Perhaps it's not what he's doing that potentially wins the women over, but how much he does it. His persistence could easily flatter a girl all by itself. I guess he figures that if he keeps trying, you'll eventually let your guard down and give him a shot (whatever "a shot" implies). You're causing him to exhaust all his tactics and they're still not working lol. Maybe if you reject him enough, he'll finally realize how inappropriate he's being. You may even be the woman that forces him to be genuine for once (If he still knows how, but I wouldn't hold my breath ). That's my analysis though.

[Emilia]

 

Oopsie, he just texted... oh no... that'll teach me to friggin' pick up the phone and try to be civil. Sheesh.

 

Tell him you are recording his calls and showing his texts to your mutual acquaintances and in your local bar. That will shut him up for good, guaranteed

[sigurpol]

Good god, haha. I know I get upset with myself sometimes for not being forward enough with women, but that's pretty perverted.

[RedRobin]

Tell him you are recording his calls and showing his texts to your mutual acquaintances and in your local bar. That will shut him up for good, guaranteed

 

That probably would do the trick.

[RedRobin]

Good god, haha. I know I get upset with myself sometimes for not being forward enough with women, but that's pretty perverted.

 

I know. Part of the reason I'm not just flat out mean to him is because I think he's got some kind of mental issue.

 

Like a sexy-talk Tourrette syndrome going on.

 

Tourette syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[RedRobin]

I admire your resilience lol. Perhaps it's not what he's doing that potentially wins the women over, but how much he does it. His persistence could easily flatter a girl all by itself. I guess he figures that if he keeps trying, you'll eventually let your guard down and give him a shot (whatever "a shot" implies). You're causing him to exhaust all his tactics and they're still not working lol. Maybe if you reject him enough, he'll finally realize how inappropriate he's being. You may even be the woman that forces him to be genuine for once (If he still knows how, but I wouldn't hold my breath ). That's my analysis though.

 

Really? That kind of persistence flatters a girl?

 

Maybe if I thought I was 'special'... but I don't. I think this is his standard MO.

 

I'm not talking to him again if he can't lay off the sexual stuff. Not interested in even trying to be friends.

 

I'll be civil to him if we happen to see each other out and about.

 

It's obvious that he's a 'sex first' kinda guy... and builds relationships based on 'chemistry'... not other things.

 

It is sad that he thinks that is all he has to offer. That is my guess.

 

Anyway, the main reason I posted this is because it kind of revisits my previous disappointment in this guy and a couple of other guys...

 

The ones who feel the need to push things sexually ASAP. Then when they keep trying (despite me telling them to cool it and giving them other options on how to show their 'affection'), I'm not quite sure how to feel.

 

I feel sad for them, mostly.

 

Sad for me, that this kind of behavior seems to be considered acceptable these days.

 

... but there is also a part of me that feels angry and disrespected.

 

On the other hand... I don't know any of these guys at all. I have no idea what is going on in their heads. I just know I don't like this... so I'll be ignoring him from now on. Me and Mr. Sexy Talk made some peace, and he'll have to be ok with the random run-ins around town.

 

My conscience is clear. I haven't disrespected him or insulted him in any way.

[carhill]

Seriously... who does this? Does it freaking work?

 

Maybe he's selling a timeshare on his next phone call

 

The behavioral set has commonalities with aspects of sales and marketing.

 

A man whom you found unattractive who respected that and quietly went away would not garner the attention this guy is getting; witness the ideas offered to 'get him'.

 

This merely is a continuation of negative attention seeking behaviors in children, where the psyche learns, in some instances/socializations, that more attention can be drawn to oneself through negative behavior than positive behavior. Once it becomes ingrained, it's there forever. If one missed that memo, it's nearly impossible to artificially construct it later.

 

I saw such behaviors most markedly where married/LTR women who were friends would be contacted proactively by men 'checking in' on them. I heard the messages/saw the texts. The men were obviously without shame in some of their communications. Why? Because it works. Men are pragmatists, especially when their emotions were formed surrounding the negative behavior validation pathway.

[xxoo]

He clearly isn't concerned with impressing you, or about offending you.

 

Only part of you feels disrespected?

[AlexDP]

Ok, this is mostly about one guy... but it could be about more than one guy... because it happens alot with me. Probably three times in the past six months...

 

I'll call him Mr. Sexy Talk... the guy who becomes very inappropriate very early on... the one I say in no uncertain terms...

 

"Sorry, we aren't compatible."

"Our goals and values are different."

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm not interested?!"

 

So, he calls today. I pick up because I never saved his number in my cell phone in the first place.

 

Says he wants to be just friends... (uh huh) and feels bad about being such a jerk before.

 

Ok, I'm cool with being friends (waiting for the other shoe to drop).

 

Sure enough... he calls back and says he saw me the other day on my bike and then went home to beat off.

 

I just laughed and said "la-la-la-la, I'm not hearing you!! Keep that to yourself, Mr. Friend."

 

I signed off and said, "well, I'm glad we are still on speaking terms (we have a mutual acquaintance). Have a great day and I'll see you around."

 

I made sure I put his name in my phone this time so if he calls again, I can ignore.

 

 

 

Seriously... who does this? Does it freaking work? I suppose it must, otherwise they wouldn't do it.

 

Jeez, it just comes across as so... sad.

 

Oopsie, he just texted... oh no... that'll teach me to friggin' pick up the phone and try to be civil. Sheesh.

 

He doesn't beat around the bush. Or does he?

[RedRobin]

Maybe he's selling a timeshare on his next phone call

 

The behavioral set has commonalities with aspects of sales and marketing.

 

A man whom you found unattractive who respected that and quietly went away would not garner the attention this guy is getting; witness the ideas offered to 'get him'.

 

This merely is a continuation of negative attention seeking behaviors in children, where the psyche learns, in some instances/socializations, that more attention can be drawn to oneself through negative behavior than positive behavior. Once it becomes ingrained, it's there forever. If one missed that memo, it's nearly impossible to artificially construct it later.

 

I saw such behaviors most markedly where married/LTR women who were friends would be contacted proactively by men 'checking in' on them. I heard the messages/saw the texts. The men were obviously without shame in some of their communications. Why? Because it works. Men are pragmatists, especially when their emotions were formed surrounding the negative behavior validation pathway.

 

I thought of that on my ride home today. The "love me or hate me... just don't ignore me" take on things.

 

I also realize that I inadvertently 'reinforced' his behavior by picking up the 1st phone call. If I knew it were him, I wouldn't have. I had no need to revisit our past conversations at all. Now, had I seen him on the street, I wouldn't have been uncivil... but there would be no other follow up.

 

This has worked well for me in the past.

[RedRobin]

He clearly isn't concerned with impressing you, or about offending you.

 

Only part of you feels disrespected?

 

The person generally needs to know me pretty well and vice versa in order for me to feel disrespected.

 

I'm sure he acts this way to everyone, so it doesn't make sense for me to take it personally.

 

The only thing that 'bothers' me about any of this is the number of guys I've run across in the past couple of years who do this. I'm not quite sure what to chalk it up to. I've decided to chalk it up to where I live OR a cultural shift of some kind... as I never came across this behavior EVER where I've lived before.

[Ruby Slippers]

He's hoping to catch you in a moment of weakness, so he can exploit that weakness.

 

But I get the impression you're not weak

[salparadise]

The only thing that 'bothers' me about any of this is the number of guys I've run across in the past couple of years who do this. I'm not quite sure what to chalk it up to. I've decided to chalk it up to where I live OR a cultural shift of some kind... as I never came across this behavior EVER where I've lived before.

 

 

I'm guessing there's something about your aura that attracts them, allows them to feel confident and safe that your response will be gratifying and you won't castrate them. Your tendency toward tolerance and understanding is working against you. It's sort of like a flasher only they uses words... but I also wouldn't be surprised if these guys have a long raincoat in the closet.

[Feelsgoodman]

It is sad that he thinks that is all he has to offer. That is my guess.

 

Anyway, the main reason I posted this is because it kind of revisits my previous disappointment in this guy and a couple of other guys...

 

The ones who feel the need to push things sexually ASAP. Then when they keep trying (despite me telling them to cool it and giving them other options on how to show their 'affection'), I'm not quite sure how to feel.

And my guess is that he only sees you as a potential one night stand/friend with benefits, and not as relationship material. In fact, I'm surprised this isn't obvious to you. If a guy sees you as relationship material, he's not going to be so crass as tell you he went home to beat off after meeting you.

[Feelsgoodman]

The only thing that 'bothers' me about any of this is the number of guys I've run across in the past couple of years who do this. I'm not quite sure what to chalk it up to. I've decided to chalk it up to where I live OR a cultural shift of some kind... as I never came across this behavior EVER where I've lived before.

This is probably not something you want to chalk it up to, but I know exactly what's going on. Something about the way you look and/or carry yourself makes men think, rightly or wrongly, that you are sexually...adventurous.

[RedRobin]

This is probably not something you want to chalk it up to, but I know exactly what's going on. Something about the way you look and/or carry yourself makes men think, rightly or wrongly, that you are sexually...adventurous.

 

Nope. I dress and carry myself like a professional.

 

I've been in this business quite a long time. These guys are purely testing limits and seeing what they can get away with.

 

They HAVE probably learned somewhere along the line that even the most outwardly professional appearing woman CAN be sexually adventurous... and they are seeing if this applies to me as well.

 

Not all guys need prompting to be a*sholes... So no, I'm not taking responsibility for their bad behavior.

 

Nice try though...

[RedRobin]

And my guess is that he only sees you as a potential one night stand/friend with benefits, and not as relationship material. In fact, I'm surprised this isn't obvious to you. If a guy sees you as relationship material, he's not going to be so crass as tell you he went home to beat off after meeting you.

 

I learned a long time ago to avoid putting too much thought into other people's motivations...

 

I'd rather spend my time focusing on what *I'm* looking for... and what I'm looking for is someone who is capable of holding a conversation that doesn't always have to involve sex... or being put in situations where sex is being pushed before getting to know someone.

 

Women spend way too much time worrying about what guys want and what men are thinking about instead of what they (the woman) wants. *shrug*

 

Edited: I also note that comments like yours are directed at what? Trying to make ME feel bad or inferior because of HIS bad behavior? No, not going there either.

 

Men who have two standards of behavior for women (ones they reserve for 'relationship material' and ones for non-relationship material) are not relationship material for ANY woman.

 

I'm certainly not about to internalize some men's crappy culturally learned behavior as if *I* have anything to do with it or deserve it.

 

Other women would be very wise to follow my lead on that... Guys have control over their own mouths and their own genitals... If they choose to.

Edited August 24, 2012 by RedRobin

[Titania22]

This is probably not something you want to chalk it up to, but I know exactly what's going on. Something about the way you look and/or carry yourself makes men think, rightly or wrongly, that you are sexually...adventurous.

 

Feelsgoodman, I have heard this before, in my case, in the past. I changed my look and way of being, and generally get completely un-noticed. Do you have any advice on how to get noticed as "relationship potential girl"?

 

It's easy to say "it's you, you dress wrong, and carry yourself wrong", but it's hard to know how to "do it right", if people don't give specifics. How can a woman attract a man, without him jumping straight to "for casual sex"?

[RedRobin]

It's my general belief that most men have become conditioned these days to talk this way to some extent.

 

Look at all the people (men AND women) here on LS who need to 'check' for sexual 'compatibility' before even ATTEMPTING a relationship.

 

They don't ask about relationship goals and values.

They don't ask about life goals and values.

 

They really don't ask about much, period.

 

They go on 'fun' and 'chemistry'...

 

They chat up the sexy-side... and then cross their fingers they will be compatible for a 'relationship'... instead of the other way around.

 

Shoot... I remember the days when two people had sex... it was naturally assumed you were 'exclusive' AND you were boyfriend and girlfriend...

 

Who knows what the heck it means now... ('it' meaning sex).

 

So no... I seriously doubt it is 'me' or anything I'm doing differently.

[Lonely Ronin]

It's my general belief that most men have become conditioned these days to talk this way to some extent.

 

O come on, that's ridiculous. I have interacted with hundreds of different men over the years, teammates, coworkers class mates etc, and the only guy that even came close to this guy was a 15 year old I knew in high school. I was a senior and he was a sophomore on the track team. He was probably the best looking guy in school, but he was an over indulge self absorbed rich kid who contently complained about how he couldn't get a girl friend. My point being, it's not normal behavior, hell it's psychiatric treatment level behavior.

 

Look at all the people (men AND women) here on LS who need to 'check' for sexual 'compatibility' before even ATTEMPTING a relationship.

 

They don't ask about relationship goals and values.

They don't ask about life goals and values.

 

They really don't ask about much, period.

 

They go on 'fun' and 'chemistry'...

 

They chat up the sexy-side... and then cross their fingers they will be compatible for a 'relationship'... instead of the other way around.

Do you think they adequately represent society?

 

 

Shoot... I remember the days when two people had sex... it was naturally assumed you were 'exclusive' AND you were boyfriend and girlfriend...

All the normal people I know still assume this...

[RedRobin]

O come on, that's ridiculous. I have interacted with hundreds of different men over the years, teammates, coworkers class mates etc, and the only guy that even came close to this guy was a 15 year old I knew in high school. I was a senior and he was a sophomore on the track team. He was probably the best looking guy in school, but he was an over indulge self absorbed rich kid who contently complained about how he couldn't get a girl friend. My point being, it's not normal behavior, hell it's psychiatric treatment level behavior.

 

Ok... pay attention to the women who come here and complain about men becoming overly sexually familiar... some of them before they even MET.

 

Granted, the guy I'm talking about who can't take no for an answer is engaging in harrassment... and I agree that *I* have doubts about his mental health. Most men will not continue once a woman has stated she is not interested.... What sane guy with options has to waste his time that way?

 

However, per Carhill's statement... the guy is a salesperson in real life. I have no doubt some of these tactics do work on some people. Otherwise he wouldn't keep doing it.

 

I find with some of my employees and co-workers (and some men) a certain attitude of "couldn't hurt to ask"... and well, yea. Sometimes it DOES hurt to ask. It makes them look like idiots.

 

 

Do you think they adequately represent society?

 

I think it represents a large and growing portion of society yes... take a look around any OLD site.

 

All the normal people I know still assume this...

 

All of the people I know who are in long term committed relationships believe this. The people who aren't or who don't want to be seem to have the attitude I mentioned above.

 

.... that sexual activity is something you do with relative strangers and then check for relationship compatibility later... sometimes MUCH later if this board is any indication....

 

Blech...

[Feelsgoodman]

Ok... pay attention to the women who come here and complain about men becoming overly sexually familiar... some of them before they even MET.

You are spreading negative stereotypes about men, which is disgusting. If you said something negative about "most black people", for example, you would be criticized incessantly and probably banned from this board. But making negative stereotypes on the basis of gender is apparently okay (as long as they are not directed at women..)

[joystickd]

It's my general belief that most men have become conditioned these days to talk this way to some extent.

 

Look at all the people (men AND women) here on LS who need to 'check' for sexual 'compatibility' before even ATTEMPTING a relationship.

 

They don't ask about relationship goals and values.

They don't ask about life goals and values.

 

They really don't ask about much, period.

 

They go on 'fun' and 'chemistry'...

 

They chat up the sexy-side... and then cross their fingers they will be compatible for a 'relationship'... instead of the other way around.

 

Shoot... I remember the days when two people had sex... it was naturally assumed you were 'exclusive' AND you were boyfriend and girlfriend...

 

Who knows what the heck it means now... ('it' meaning sex).

 

So no... I seriously doubt it is 'me' or anything I'm doing differently.

No I disagree with the conditioning to talk that way thing. You just have come across some thirsty men. Also at the same time you also have to consider the role your own gender plays in this. There are women who like that sort of thing and some that are very promiscuous that make it more difficult for women. I got told this once by a true to the game player: Promiscuous women will ruin you. It makes sense because you get used to taking the path of least resistance and it creates the illusion that all are like this when it's not true. Most of the guys like you deal with are either thirsty or just have spent most of their time dealing with women that enabled their approach of taking the path of least resistance.

[RedRobin]

You are spreading negative stereotypes about men, which is disgusting. If you said something negative about "most black people", for example, you would be criticized incessantly and probably banned from this board. But making negative stereotypes on the basis of gender is apparently okay (as long as they are not directed at women..)

 

Which negative 'stereotype' would that be?

 

That lots of men talk trash before meeting a woman? Or with women they hardly know?

 

How does acknowledging that offend your sensibilities exactly?

 

Or do you feel men are somehow entitled to talk trash because the lady made the mistake or had the poor luck of sharing space (virtual or IRL) with you (or some man)?