Am I expecting too much too soon

[Kristi2004]

I have been casually dating this man for the past 6 months. He is a very complicated guy, and has some emotional issues, expecially when it comes to how he feels. I truly believe he cares and up until this point I have been quite satisfied with having no real commitment or exclusiveness with him. But I have really started to have serious, intense feelings for this man and I don't know how to approach the subject of exclusiveness without scaring him away. His friends tell me he has always had attachment issues and that I should just be patient with him, because they have never seen him care about anyone like he cares about me. But I don't know how much longer I can wait for him to admit how he feels and act on it.

 

I don't want to scare him off by making him feel pressured, but haven't I been patient enough, it has been 6 months. And since the day I met him, I have not been interested in meeting anyone else, so I have been exclusive to him, by my choice, and I think it's about time that he did the same or let me go.

 

Am I expecting too much too soon?

[befuddled11]

Jeepers, creepers..it's been a whopping 6 months. If you're still on pins and needles, afraid to bring up the topic of exclusivity for fear of scaring him away, girl....he's not the guy for you. You have been MORE than patient, you have been close to being a saint.

 

Out of curiosity, are you 2 sexually involved at all?

 

If a guy is this much of an attachment/commitment phobe, and is that "complicated", don't you think you're likely just wasting your time? He sounds like he's got tons of issues......likely very deep-seated, and such that only therapy will get to the root of them.

 

What age is he? you?

 

Frankly, I can't even fathom dating someone for half a year and not being able to have the exclusivity "talk." Hell, I wouldn't even continue to see a guy past a few weeks if we didn't mutually agree to be exclusive..but then again, I've never been one to just "date for the sake of dating"..I think that is a waste of time, and I need to be with someone who's on the same wavelength.

[Kristi2004]

We became sexually involved about 6 weeks ago. We are both 30 years old.

[dolphinsunshyn]

I think you have been more than paitent with him. 6 months is longer than my last two relationships!

 

I would let him know how you are feeling without holding back. Especially now that you are sexually active, a commitment is only the next logical step. Don't give him an ultimatum, persay. But, do explain that you need to know that you two have a future together so you don't feel like you are wasting your time. Potentially, missing out on meeting someone who will better meet your needs.

 

I'm also 30 and I know what you are going through. When you hit thirty it almost feels like you need to have a plan and some goals set for the future. You are not wrong for wanting to know if this relationship is going to progress. I would feel the same way. Frankly, I wouldn't even have waited 6 months. I give it about three and then I have the "talk". I think you both are ready to discuss this.

 

Just talk to him. If he isn't responsive or refuses to even address the subject, then move on. Why waste your time in a relationship that has no potential? If his "attachment" issues are that strong, then he will have to work through that before having a healthy relationship with anyone. If he is willing to do that then let him know you'll be supportive. If not, then it is your call after that.

 

Hope it works out for you. Let us know what happens.

[Kristi2004]

Thanks for the advice. I keep planning on having the talk with him, but when I get the opportunity for some stupid reason I chicken out, probably because I'm afraid he'll bolt. But I know we have to have this talk, I don't want to waste anymore time.