03291975 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 My boyfriend has accused me of kissing girls twice in the last week for no reason. We casually dated for a yr n half and during that time I shared w him that I had sex w another woman and felt guily, he told me at that time that I should never feel guilty about that, he stated he was turned on by it. Six months ago we decided to be less casual and more involved. He was out of town and during a nite of drinking w a girlfriend, we ended up having sex. When she began kissing me I hesitated and then recalled our previous conversation. I immediately called him and told him what had happened, he was very upset rather than turned on. He said he was upset that I would do that without him.... If I was going mess around... He should at least be there to watch. About a month after that, we both engaged in sex w another woman, however he did not enjoy it like he thought he would, he was jealous of someone else pleasing me. We spoke about it and moved on. Now he is stating he doesnt believe I am willing to give up other women and his jealous of other girls around us. How do I get him to stop being negative and believe that I am with him because I want to be.... I made it very clear jealousy is unacceptable behavior. I hav never wanted a relationship w a woman... If I did, that is where I would be Any input is greatly appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Author 03291975 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 Anyone? ???????? Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I think most guys have fantasies about their woman being with another woman. Most of us expect it just to remain a fantasy. He got to experience it and realize the simple truth is that no one wants their loved one to be with anyone else even as appealing as it seems in theory and in porno. It's likely your relationship is ruined. In the future you should do what every other girlfriend/wife does and disregard a male's lesbian fantasies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 03291975 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 I feel that sex is is only a portion of our relationship, and just like other areas it takes experiences to know what works and what doesnt. I do not at all feel jealous about the experience, him being w her because It was meaningless, in the end its me that he loves and wants to be with. I hav even been okay w him staying at his exwifes house to watch their young daughter. I feel like she has many times tried to rekindle some romance.... But I still hav to trust him until I have a real reason not to..... I believe and want the best and dont understand why he is obsessing over something that isnt even happening..... it makes as much sense as worrying that I am going to be bit by a spider and turn into a superhero and leave him to fight crime.... Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Well i think he'd be more understanding if you became Spiderwoman rather than leaving him for another girl. But anyhoo though you think the sexual experimentation was meaningless doesn't mean that he does. It may haunt him endlessly thinking of someone else pleasuring you. Everytime you are courteous to another woman or man, it's going to set him off on some wild tangent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 03291975 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 certainly not what I wanted to happen, but willing to accept it. I do hope he will be honest with himself and me if he feels there is no getting past it. Thank u for ur thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 03291975 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 One other question.... Why does he trust me around men .... But insecure about women? Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I don't like that I made you frown so I hope others will offer some more advice. I don't know actually. He seems to be a very confused person. Maybe it is more natural for him to lose you to a guy than a girl. Have you brought these issues up with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 03291975 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 We hav only briefly spoke. It was last wed the first time it happened and just Thursday night the second time, we work together and hav had long hours and then his kids over the weekend. The first time we spoke and agreed that we didnt want it to happen again, again Aa learning experience. I reacted very poorly and apologized. It reminded me of my ex husba of 11 years, who was always accusingme.... But it was him who was unfaithful.... I was withdrawn because he was controlling and just plain mean. I really struggle w anyone who distrusts me, I am a friend to many ppl and do not judge. I feel that if someone does live and respect u, u should be able to tell them anything and not hav them turn it around and used to degrade u. Aot of the readg I hav done on jealousy speaks of insecurities And fear of losing someone... Im confused as to why someone would look for reasons to attack the person they fell in love with.... Common sense says u would love and encourage and make that person so happy they never seek attention else where Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 You won't like to hear this, but most of it is your fault. He has his own fault obviously but still. Let me explain. You told him that you had sex with another girl, and that made you feel guilty [personally i wouldn't be so quick to believe the latter]. There's no reason to get upset here, as it was in the past. He also mentioned that he was turned on by 2 women having sex. Most men are. After you had the talk about going into a serious relationship : - got somewhat drunk [you also mention a husband of 11yrs] so i'm wondering now how old are you ... this is a bit off for a 40yr old - kissed her but stopped - remembered what he told you about him being turned on by 2 women - did it Well, this means you cheated ... man or woman, it doesn't matter anymore. So one month after this, you guys have a 3some with another woman. Who's ideea was it, yours or his ? I suspect that the sight of a woman pleasing you made him feel jealousy, it stems in insecurity after all, afraid he is not enough, he feels threatened. It was a mistake to have the 3some with the above unresolved, as i suspect he would have enjoyed it with you otherwise. Now you say that jealousy is an unacceptable behaviour, but who started it ? Who cheated and created this feeling in him ? And i think the reason he feels insecure about you and women is because he doesn't see how he can compete with those women. Look at your sex life, what you like to do in bed vs what you did with that girl. I don't think there is much that can be salvaged, if he feels that you cheated on him it can take 2-5yrs to forgive and he will never forget. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 03291975 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 I completely agree I messed up and took responsibly for my actions. I was honest and apologized for allowing it to happen. as far as the 3sum afterwards I felt that that was what he wanted and hoped that he would see that the sex part of it means nothing, its the friendship that our relationship was built around. I completely agree that I made a mistake. That was six months ago, we have been together night and day, even going on an island vacation.... And then out of the blue it is all of a sudden I am accused for no reason. I feel that he is realizing more women than he thought are bi and willing. I am 37, was married at 19, divorced and hav been single until this relationship. I wouldnt have entered into it unless I truly wanted to be there. And until last week we had not had a fight. Just wish there was a magic way of giving him the peace and security that im not interested on anyone else, male or female Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I completely agree I messed up and took responsibly for my actions. I was honest and apologized for allowing it to happen. as far as the 3sum afterwards I felt that that was what he wanted and hoped that he would see that the sex part of it means nothing, its the friendship that our relationship was built around. I completely agree that I made a mistake. That was six months ago, we have been together night and day, even going on an island vacation.... And then out of the blue it is all of a sudden I am accused for no reason. I feel that he is realizing more women than he thought are bi and willing. I am 37, was married at 19, divorced and hav been single until this relationship. I wouldnt have entered into it unless I truly wanted to be there. And until last week we had not had a fight. Just wish there was a magic way of giving him the peace and security that im not interested on anyone else, male or female It was cheating, so when it's brought to life there are 3 outcomes : - separate - stick together and the betrayed party bottles emotions up - stick together and the betrayed party and the wayward party goes through the entire process, deals with it He probably bottled it up, then the 3some happened [you still haven't mentioned who pushed for it], bottled it up more, and then he got set off by something that reminds him of this, or the realisation that you mentioned. Basically you need to treat this not with logic, but as reaction to the cheating. Some can take it and work through it, some can't. Stick on these boards and check some of the threads and see what the ppl here had to go through, and how it felt for them. If you still want to salvage this, i suggest you go to couples counseling immediately and do not defend yourself, admit you were wrong, and be as honest as possible. But like i said, when you go there you will already be forced to face the 3 choices i mentioned above, again. He probably needs to not bottle it up, or else it will errupt again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
manup Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 My boyfriend has accused me of kissing girls twice in the last week for no reason. We casually dated for a yr n half and during that time I shared w him that I had sex w another woman and felt guily, he told me at that time that I should never feel guilty about that, he stated he was turned on by it. Six months ago we decided to be less casual and more involved. He was out of town and during a nite of drinking w a girlfriend, we ended up having sex. When she began kissing me I hesitated and then recalled our previous conversation. I immediately called him and told him what had happened, he was very upset rather than turned on. He said he was upset that I would do that without him.... If I was going mess around... He should at least be there to watch. About a month after that, we both engaged in sex w another woman, however he did not enjoy it like he thought he would, he was jealous of someone else pleasing me. We spoke about it and moved on. Now he is stating he doesnt believe I am willing to give up other women and his jealous of other girls around us. How do I get him to stop being negative and believe that I am with him because I want to be.... I made it very clear jealousy is unacceptable behavior. I hav never wanted a relationship w a woman... If I did, that is where I would be Any input is greatly appreciated so you cheated more or less, and are making him feel bad about being jealour riiiiight? Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Why would a guy be mad? Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Bristolius Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I'm inclined to put this on her boyfriend. He went for some poorly imagined fantasy and got in over his head. Link to post Share on other sites
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