My depression is affecting my relationship; bored of life

[Paradoxical]

Background:

 

-26 year old white male

-Working in finance/tech in NYC

-Graduated from a top-5 school

-Has a girlfriend of two years now

 

Short version:

I feel extremely lonely and nothing excites me anymore.

 

Long version:

I grew up on the west coast as a bit of an outsider, even in my own family. I was always the computer nerd to everyone else's sports jock. I had a decent circle of friends but none who were extremely close. My family endured some tragedy and I wound up losing my father before I went to college. However, my relationship with my mother turned sour (she re-married to the man she cheated on my father with before he died), and my brother turned to a life of drugs.

 

I ventured to the east coast and wound up hating my college experience. I was not rich and/or supported like most of my peers so I spent a lot of time working and worrying about money. In hindsight I should have chosen a cheaper school, but I suppose I was blinded by prestige because I care too much about maintaining an external image. I thought going to a top school would open doors for me. Instead, my grades suffered because I was overworked to make ends meet, and I was depressed and lonely.

 

I'm not good at making friends. I can meet people but it's hard to make the connection last. When I graduated college, I made it out with maybe three or four total friends -- none of whom were that close. And since I was far away from my high school friends, we all lost touch.

 

Now I'm living in the city, and I've got a loving girlfriend, but I still feel secretly miserable. I've been able to put on a happy face for a while but lately it's been slipping due to apathy. I just have no energy; no drive to do anything. I hate that I took on all this student debt for a profession I didn't even really like (finance) because I thought it'd give me financial stability. Thing is, I hate finance. So I went into a job that was a mix of finance and backend analysis. I make like $65k a year while some of my peers are already clocking well into the six figures.

 

I feel like a failure. When I was applying for colleges, I had perfect stats. The perfect scores, grades, acceptance letters, awards -- the entire package. Now I feel like it all went away. Everyone who was once cheering me on... they've long since left my life.

 

I don't really expect anyone to read this. I've been to a therapist and it was largely unhelpful. Cost a lot of money but I honestly felt like I knew more than she did in terms of assessment. I understand that sometimes just getting out there and meeting people and making friends is all it takes, but I'm just not good at it. Even if I meet people, I just can't ever get it past that point. My girlfriend has friends that I am technically friends with, but it's not like they're *my* friends that I can talk about common-interests with.

 

Every day I go to work feels like soul erosion. My boss works from another state so we teleconference all the time. I work in a large, busy building, but have no immediate coworkers. So I'm pretty much on my own, even at work. I feel like I've been alone growing up, alone in college, alone at work, alone in the city, etc.

 

I just feel very isolated with nobody to talk to. I want to write, but I have nobody to bounce ideas off of. I want to explore the city, but it feels so empty without friends. I want to program more, but it becomes uninteresting. I want to game more, but I get bored within minutes. I want to eat more, but I'm already out of shape and shouldn't be stuffing myself. I don't even enjoy sex anymore.

 

All in all, I just feel like there's no joy left in life. I've been fantasizing more and more about killing myself peacefully. I don't think I'd ever actually do it since I understand this phase is temporary, but I've been saying this to myself for years. I'd like to figure out how to improve my life.

 

I come home from work and just feel this need to sit on the couch and either sleep or just stare at the computer, click around on the Internet, and do nothing. It's extremely boring.

 

I don't really know where I am going with this, but I know it's been affecting my girlfriend. I've gotten very short and apathetic with her lately. She's been wanting to plan a trip to another city, but it's one we've been to before and I honestly don't feel like blowing a grand. I basically gave her a lot of non-response/apathy today regarding the trip and it really frustrated/upset her. I feel awful that my depression is starting to creep over and affect her, but I don't know what to do about it.

 

Sorry for ranting so much. I have to let it out somehow! Thanks for reading.

Edited July 28, 2012 by Paradoxical

[Paradoxical]

nothing....?

[SmileFace]

Do you have a different account? I don't want to feel like I mixing you up with someone else.

[Paradoxical]

No, first account.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You've got to really rethink your life and stop trying to fulfill the status quo, because where you're at...who you are, doesn't seem like it's what you really want in life.

 

You've got to really think hard about the questions of why you're here...what would you do If nothing else mattered but your own happiness? are you doing to satisfy others? Is it because you care about what other "people" think? people who do whatever they can to make their lives look great on the outside while the inner walls crumble around them? because there's a lot of those.

 

You've got yourself an education and a good one, but that doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life doing something that you despise of. If it's not making you happy then what kind of life are you really living? are you never considering the quality of life? Is it only about money or career? because that will only take you so far.

 

Now what you may want to do or be may be entirely different...you're 26 years old though, you've got plenty of time to do the things you want to do, you can change your life...you've just got to be willing to make the sacrifices to do it. You're not happy? then what is it going to take to make yourself happy...or do you just spend the rest of your life investing in the "smart" decision instead of what you and your passions really desire?

 

You've seemed to have settled in for a life that wasn't really who you were. But it's not the end of world and sometimes you go through life thinking this wasn't what you wanted or who you were and you end up going back with a new perspective and realize it was a lot to do with your mentality and inability to get a grasp on the bigger picture...thinking the grass was greener on the other side.

 

Life isn't about making the best decisions the first time around...It's about learning why that decision wasn't the best then moving forward from that, what could you learn? what have you learned about yourself?

 

You know inside what you want and what you really need to do, you've just got to take the gloves off and start getting your hands dirty...change your life around 180 if it makes you feel like that's what you need to do, don't worry about so much where you'll land...the moment is really all that you have, you can either be here nor there tomorrow. Should you live your life in irresponsibility and reckless? sometimes that's that it takes, sometimes you've got to do that for yourself, sometimes that's where you find yourself the most before you reach your balance.

 

Your age and experience condemns you to a perspective and impossibilities rather than possibilities, you've got to start thinking of what you really want and then put in play the elements that are going to start making that wheel turning. Not happy with your girlfriend? break up with her...stop wasting her and your time...she'll get over it, and likely so will you...women have an impeccable amount of resilience in terms of bouncing back..don't make your decision based on how she feels...have the guts to do what you need and not just dance around in the grey area sucking the life out of everything you run into just to maintain your own poor level of satisfaction...you're clearly not satisfied and the issues likely have nothing to do with her...but that's part of growing up and understanding yourself as a man.

 

And that's what It's about....you seem out of touch with what you want and need out of this life...what you desire. You've either got a decision to make...keep yourself pinned down and forced to continue your current situation for whatever you think it's worth, whatever big pay-off you're expecting for in the future when the future is unknown and unpredictable. Or you start reflecting on why you're doing the same things your doing in your life, and how do you just buck up and face the things that you run away from in your life. Only you can resolve your issues and It's not going to be easy...but you've got to make a decision in a big way for yourself...If you want to stop repeating the pattern that clearly isn't working.

[mortensorchid]

It's not who you are, it's who you want to be. The past is the past, you are done with that. Today you are able to make that new person you always wanted to be come out of you. End of story.

[ja123]

Have you told your girlfriend that you are depressed? Is she a supportive type of person?

 

You have a lot of reasons to feel depressed. Your depression is a reaction to a lot of things you've lived through and are currently living through. You are quite normal normal.

 

Please see a doctor so you can consider anti-depression medication. You don't have to be on it forever; although it won't solve your problems and make you "happy", it will give you a bit of a platform while you're dealing with sorts out things. What Ninja said in his post are some of the core issues to look at, when you are feeling stronger, and bit by bit.

 

Rome wasn't built in a day, as is said. Allow yourself to be apathetic, right now. No need to think about what you "should" be doing: meeting friends, exploring the city, making more money, having sex, etc. etc. You're adding to your burdens this way. When one is depressed, just getting out of bed and getting through the day is a big accomplishment. And when you're depressed you're seeing life through a negative filter. Apart from work, just stay home and maybe watch some movies, etc. Think of it as though you have a head cold - and take care of yourself.

 

There are forums where people chat or post about their depression and to give support to others, just use google to find them.

 

There is a book called "Feeling Good," by David Burns which might be helpful.

Edited July 28, 2012 by ja123