She approaches and avoids

[PrettyDecent]

Hi,

OK, I'll keep this as short as possible, but it's been going on for a few months so compression

will be difficult.

 

Back in March I met a woman on an online dating site. We are both divorced, but she listed in

her profile she has not had kids and definitely wants them, whereas I have a child from my

recently ended marriage and am not sure if I want more (really whether I can afford more). She

had divorced because her first husband wouldn't have kids with her, so this is a really big issue

for her. After a couple of dates, she emailed me saying she didn't think we were on the same

page and didn't think she wanted to pursue a romantic relationship, but that we could be

friends if I was open to that.

 

I liked her and said yes, we could be friends. I was already familiar with the risks and bad

reputation of being relegated to the so-called "friend zone" and how for many women this was

a way to let a guy down easy. However, she and I had kissed fairly passionately on the first date

(we had been drinking so that probably lowered our inhibitions, but still there seemed to be

something there between us). I sent her an admittedly pissy email and she didn't write back for

a couple of weeks, but then she did respond. We made up, and shortly thereafter started

hanging out periodically in a friendly way.

 

Over the next month, though, we started to meet up more and more, and our times together

became more and more intimate. It was basically like we were going on dates but sort of

pretending that we were just friends. I started to fall for her more and more, and at one point

texted her at how frustrated I was that I couldn't kiss her. She backed off and said we couldn't

see each other, then backed off from that and resumed seeing me. All the while she was telling

me about her other dates, and about her past dating and sexual experiences, and about

another guy with whom she thought she might have a child, but he lives in another state and

she doesn't want to move there. Well, I thought, and actually told her, if you really want a child

you should go with him. But she said she didn't want to leave her job, which she really feels is

the best job she could have and doesn't want to give up. And later on she told me that that guy

doesn't "get" her the way I do and isn't as emotionally available as I am. I was alternately angry

that she was telling me some of this stuff but also a kind of fool for her and just willing to be

with her in any way possible, including several times when I met up with her after her other

dates.

 

And I began to state openly that I really had lost interest in dating other women and would

seriously consider being with her and even trying to have a family with her. And she said she wanted a

man who wants children in his heart, not just to be with her. What I found odd is

that at that point, she started saying that that was too much pressure, which seemed confusing

to me because she seemed so certain that wanting to have children was a key thing for her, so I

figured she would have felt less pressure, and more willing to have interest in me when I told

her I was willing to consider it – which I think is all one can do when you've known someone

only for a few months. You consider it, along with all the other things going on. Because I have a

child, and child support to pay, I would want to think this over and if I agreed, to ensure that I

could meet my child support obligations and raise another child.

 

She also agreed at one point to let me sleep over. We didn't have sex but we spooned as we

slept, and the next day although she asked me if I was a little freaked out (she said she was),

she said I was a good spooner. I was so happy and thought we had broken through and she

would start to let me get closer to her romantically.

 

Anyway, then things started to shift a bit, and we haven't talked about children or family in a

while, and we had another evening the next night where we drank and *she* told me that she

wanted to make out, so we did, and the next day she sent me another worried email saying

we're spending too much time together and for some reason she doesn't know it is hard for her

to maintain boundaries with me. But yet again she backed off and started seeing me again. We made

up from that, and sometime last week she said she had turned off her online dating account. Except a

few times I have gone back to see if I could see her profile in its "off" state only to find that it is still on,

and her visiting times are updated indicating, as far as I can tell, that she is still on it.

 

That hurts me a great deal, and overall even though I like her so much, I am starting to feel

humiliated that she would lie about closing down her account, that she seems to be going full

steam ahead with her other dating, and that there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to

soften her resistance to me, even though she appears to be sending mixed signals and accepts

flowers and dinners and just sheer time and conversation with me that has me about to

explode. I just read that her behavior seems to be called "approach avoidance" and from what I

have read, it does sound like a dating version of “approach avoidance.” We are not doing this

dance in a real, committed relationship, but there is this maddening combination of intimacy

and distance that is driving me crazy. I realize part of this is my fault, because I am so hungry for

closeness yet I may (according to what I read) be reenacting a scenario where I am choosing

someone unavailable.

 

But I don't know *why* she's unavailable if there are those moments where it seems we hit it

off perfectly. I know I find myself obsessing over her, waiting to hear from her, and being needy

and approval seeking with her, even though I know I should be more confident. But of course I

fear my confidence will lead to disagreements which will lead her to prefer one of these other

men over me. I came out of a marriage where I was passive, and sometimes passive-aggressive,

while my ex-wife was outright aggressive and eventually that cycle devolved badly. So I feel

caught between needing to be more assertive and a terrible fear of being alone and of missing

out on what I think could be a great relationship with this woman.

 

She also has said that she doesn't want to hurt me but that I seem to be making her the one to

have to decide this. But at this point, I think she does have a decision to make. I have been

clear that I want to be with her. But she hasn't been clear back.

 

Most recently yesterday we had a great day and evening, yet when I tried to kiss her, she smiled,

laughed as if being tickled and told me, "I'm not ready."

 

So I am paralyzed in a way. As long as I have hope that I might persuade her to pick an exclusive

relationship with me, I can't bring myself to tell her, sorry I can't do this anymore. Nor can I see

myself as “just friends” with her because my attraction to her is so strong and visceral. And at

the same time I wonder if she just wants a more aggressive kind of man whom she will find

more openly irresistible. Or maybe she is just confused and doesn't want to be hurt. I know

marrying and starting a family are really big for her, but at the same time, there seems to be

something else going on where she is still dating multiple men and maybe likes me just enough

to keep me around but not enough to pick me alone.

 

I would be grateful for any help, advice, or feedback.

 

Thank you.

Edited July 23, 2012 by PrettyDecent
Formatting correction

[jakelongot]

I am sorry to say this, but she seems unstable. The constant back in forth is not healthy for either of you. You are also letting her control the (awkward) flow of the relationship. Even if she likes you, she can't have a lot of respect for you if you are letting her go hot and cold without taking control of what you want and need.

 

So you really need to reread your post and ask yourself if this is the kind of person you are really looking for? If you had a lot of dating options would you really be holding out for this girl? My guess is you would have moved on long ago.

 

I know how it feels to be lonely. But are you really still with her because you know she is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life or because you have limited options and is making you feel less lonely?

[Oxy Moronovich]

That post wasn't short at all. And as jake said, she is unstable. Go look for some other chick.

[Forever Learning]

This sounds like drama and roller coaster to me. I don't like the sounds of that. I think it is time to set some boundaries for yourself and draw a line in the sand here. Either she wants to be exclusive with you, or it's over and you move on, WITH NO CONTACT. Good luck.

[MarlyStar]

Is she still dating others? Multidating? It would make sense if that were the case. If it isn't, she's unstable.