When in a relationship and meet someone else out of the blue

[McGuffin]

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. Recently I met a guy that for some reason I can't stop thinking about. I'm not prone to teenager-esque swooning over guys I don't know, so this has me thrown.

 

When I say I met the guy, I don't mean while purposefully looking or at some stereotypical girls night out or any other event men think of as an excuse for women to cheat. I ran into the guy in line at a comic signing I went to with some of my guy friends. (I've known those guys for about 10 years only platonicly, so don't get any wrong ideas about that.) He was waiting by himself, so he started talking to us.

 

It's not like I'm unhappy in my current relationship or looking for anything else. There are a couple things that make me wonder about the future like when he keeps casually bringing up the concept of "what about when you have kids" even though I've told him I'm not interested in them. Other than that, the relationship is great.

 

The guy was very cute, but what got to me was probably his voice. I don't know if other people are attracted to voices, but for me, some actors are attractive not so much physically, but for their voice. (I say actors because I've never met someone in person until now that had a voice like this.) I don't mean an accent but the tone of their voices. Though there are a couple European accents that also help make a guy more attractive, and he had that, too.

 

He exchanged contact information with my friends, so it would be easy for me to contact him. Seeing that I know almost nothing about the guy except that there are a couple scifi shows we both like and he's into comics, it would be really stupid to jeopardize a relationship that's otherwise going well. I don't try to think about him, but my thoughts drift there.

 

Even if I wanted to pursue anything, the guy lives half way around the world. So the thought are pretty idiotic, and I can't think of anything to do other than wait for them to go away. It's been over a week and they've not changed yet.

[Teal]

Your current relationship is happy. Ride out the distraction (but maybe start looking for a compromise on your views about children). Personally I don't think anyone's going to get anywhere by continually swapping out and trading up for whatever model is "in" instead of working to keep something good, good.

 

Eyes wander sometimes. That's life.

[McGuffin]

Sounds like you have the proclivity to be a cheater.

 

Why?

 

I'm guessing the reason is because you see the world in a very narrow black and white. If I had the "proclivity" to be a cheater, I'd be secretly flirting with this guy and planning visits to see each other. I'd also have been flirting, telling him how cut he is, and touching him when we met. I did not and am not doing those things.

[carhill]

My advice would be to accept the infatuation and reflect upon the obligations you feel to your current relationship and boyfriend and resolve the issue along those lines.

[Casablanca]

If a relationship is good, NEVER leave it

 

If he wants kids and you don't if you cant accept having them and he cant accept not having them, I'd end it. Don't waste both of yours time

[McGuffin]

Your current relationship is happy. Ride out the distraction (but maybe start looking for a compromise on your views about children). Personally I don't think anyone's going to get anywhere by continually swapping out and trading up for whatever model is "in" instead of working to keep something good, good.

 

Eyes wander sometimes. That's life.

 

I'm not talking about just trading up for what's "in". I meet plenty of guys and have been in long term relationships before without wanting to "trade up". I've met plenty of cute, new guys and don't have any second thoughts about my relationship or any of my past relationships. I have a strict belief that you should judge your relationship in the context of itself not on what could be elsewhere.

 

Thus, I've never had this problem before. This is not just a case of meeting a cute guy and being fickle. These thoughts are so weird to me that I have to question whether all the romantic stuff I've considered BS might have something to it. In the past, I haven't wanted to move even across the state for a guy even though I loved the city he moved to, so why does this guy in particular make me wonder what the cost of living in his city in Europe is?

 

There's not really a compromise for someone who wants kids and someone who doesn't. I guess that is a major worry for me. I told him from the beginning but I think he didn't take me seriously. though I hope I'm wrong.

[kaylan]

This means you didnt have the feelings you thought you did for your boyfriend. Leave him so he can find a woman who will stay committed to him. In my mind you are suspetible to falling for new guys a bit too easily and that could be a big problem if you fall for a local guy.

 

If you already have eyes for someone else, this relationship is doomed. Its way too early for that in my honest opinion.

Edited July 22, 2012 by kaylan

[McGuffin]

My advice would be to accept the infatuation and reflect upon the obligations you feel to your current relationship and boyfriend and resolve the issue along those lines.

 

See you hit on my other thought, which is one I'm most hesitant to face. Maybe the unusual strength of the feelings toward that guy have less to do with him and more to do with the fear of my relationship being doomed again because I don't want kids. He just happened to be someone with an unusual number of things I find attractive that I met at this time. There's more significant.

 

This isn't the first relationship complicated by me not wanting kids. I wish I did, because things would be much easier. But when I imagine the possibility, it doesn't appeal to me.

[Casablanca]

See you hit on my other thought, which is one I'm most hesitant to face. Maybe the unusual strength of the feelings toward that guy have less to do with him and more to do with the fear of my relationship being doomed again because I don't want kids. He just happened to be someone with an unusual number of things I find attractive that I met at this time. There's more significant.

 

This isn't the first relationship complicated by me not wanting kids. I wish I did, because things would be much easier. But when I imagine the possibility, it doesn't appeal to me.

Then find someone who doesnt want kids. There are men out there who don't want kids either. I am one who wants kids, and I wouldnt date anyone who did not want kids. The second I found out about that, I'd be done with them, not worth wasting either person's time

[Teal]

I'm not talking about just trading up for what's "in". I meet plenty of guys and have been in long term relationships before without wanting to "trade up". I've met plenty of cute, new guys and don't have any second thoughts about my relationship or any of my past relationships. I have a strict belief that you should judge your relationship in the context of itself not on what could be elsewhere.

 

Thus, I've never had this problem before. This is not just a case of meeting a cute guy and being fickle. These thoughts are so weird to me that I have to question whether all the romantic stuff I've considered BS might have something to it. In the past, I haven't wanted to move even across the state for a guy even though I loved the city he moved to, so why does this guy in particular make me wonder what the cost of living in his city in Europe is?

 

There's not really a compromise for someone who wants kids and someone who doesn't. I guess that is a major worry for me. I told him from the beginning but I think he didn't take me seriously. though I hope I'm wrong.

 

Just a general reflection on infatuations while in relationships.

 

If you don't know anything about the guy, though, I'd chalk it up to your body being silly like human bodies are prone to do over everything from food to sex. They're just not clever things and they can pull a number on our consciousness. That's what I'd chalk it up to, anyway.

 

The kicker is that you two know nothing about each other beyond a few basic interests and the physical aspects, so the connection is pretty surface. Unless you want to go the whole "supernatural" and "soul mate" route, which is a whole different can of wriggly worms.

 

As for the kids/no kids dilemma, I usually managed to bargain it down to one child or a couple of adopted kids with at least a few years between bringing them home. I don't have to be saddled with too much in the way of parental duties or childbearing, and they still get to be a parent.

 

I still have none, though, so actual parents might know better.

[PhillyDude]

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. Recently I met a guy that for some reason I can't stop thinking about. I'm not prone to teenager-esque swooning over guys I don't know, so this has me thrown.

 

When I say I met the guy, I don't mean while purposefully looking or at some stereotypical girls night out or any other event men think of as an excuse for women to cheat. I ran into the guy in line at a comic signing I went to with some of my guy friends. (I've known those guys for about 10 years only platonicly, so don't get any wrong ideas about that.) He was waiting by himself, so he started talking to us.

 

It's not like I'm unhappy in my current relationship or looking for anything else. There are a couple things that make me wonder about the future like when he keeps casually bringing up the concept of "what about when you have kids" even though I've told him I'm not interested in them. Other than that, the relationship is great.

 

The guy was very cute, but what got to me was probably his voice. I don't know if other people are attracted to voices, but for me, some actors are attractive not so much physically, but for their voice. (I say actors because I've never met someone in person until now that had a voice like this.) I don't mean an accent but the tone of their voices. Though there are a couple European accents that also help make a guy more attractive, and he had that, too.

 

He exchanged contact information with my friends, so it would be easy for me to contact him. Seeing that I know almost nothing about the guy except that there are a couple scifi shows we both like and he's into comics, it would be really stupid to jeopardize a relationship that's otherwise going well. I don't try to think about him, but my thoughts drift there.

 

Even if I wanted to pursue anything, the guy lives half way around the world. So the thought are pretty idiotic, and I can't think of anything to do other than wait for them to go away. It's been over a week and they've not changed yet.

 

This thread makes all the things below pointless

 

dating

dating sites

relationships

marriage

[McGuffin]

This thread makes all the things below pointless

 

dating

dating sites

relationships

marriage

 

Good. Now that you know it's pointless, stop so you don't procreate.

[PhillyDude]

Good. Now that you know it's pointless, stop so you don't procreate.

 

 

 

Just F*ck the guy and get it over with since that's what you want to do anyway

[kaylan]

All LTR reach a cooling stage and at that point the grass is greener on the other side. Those that don't cheat somehow know this and find ways to keep the relationship interesting. The good ones are able to do this for up to 50 years and more. Have you ever seen old folks holding hands in the park?

 

Those that think a LTR should ALWAYS be liKe THE DISNEYLAND at the onset of the relationship are sadly mistaken. These are the folks that cheat as soon as the relationship becomes calm.

 

If the OP is one of those that looks for the thrill 24/7 then she could cheat and I agree. She should leave the BF.

 

Anyone that has been in a LTR comes across desirable men and women all the time. OP is correct in stating that one simply acknowledges the beauty of others and does not act on the impulse of cheating.

 

The ones that cheat are basically looking for more external validation.

The point I had been trying to make is that if you are in it for the long run, 8 months is far too early to be falling for other guys. If that happened with me, Id think the girls feelings wouldnt last very long with me.

[McGuffin]

This means you didnt have the feelings you thought you did for your boyfriend.

 

That is a concern of mine.

 

Leave him so he can find a woman who will stay committed to him. In my mind you are suspetible to falling for new guys a bit too easily and that could be a big problem if you fall for a local guy.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to comment, but you're wrong.

 

For one thing, this guy probably has no idea I have any interest in him. If you asked him, he'd probably say I'm not interested. I didn't flirt with him in any way or give him any indication of interest. Nor do I have any idea if he would be interested in me. That wouldn't be any different even if the guy were local.

 

People seem to be reading this as "I met a cute boy. I want to give up my relationship and jump between every cute boy I see."

 

That couldn't be farther from reality. This is my 3rd long term relationship. (4th if you count the one where I dated a guy for 2 years who was good enough at word-smithing that he had me assured about the exclusivity of our relationship until at the end he pointed out that he had never actually said I was his girlfriend.) Those 2 relationships ended because the guys wanted to move, and I didn't. One because he missed being near his family. The other because he couldn't find work in this area.

 

Despite the opinions that seem to have been formed out of a few paragraphs that seem insane and idiotic even to me, my past experience tells me being inclined to fall for new guys easily is not an issue I have to worry about.

 

I've had my heart smashed enough times that I don't fall for guys easily at all. If this weren't unusual for me, I wouldn't have needed to talk about it.

 

If you already have eyes for someone else, this relationship is doomed. Its way too early for that in my honest opinion.

 

I don't see why there's a time frame for when it's okay to be attracted to another person. It's not whether you're attracted to people. It's what you do about it.

 

Or as Pierre put better:

 

All LTR reach a cooling stage and at that point the grass is greener on the other side. Those that don't cheat somehow know this and find ways to keep the relationship interesting. The good ones are able to do this for up to 50 years and more. Have you ever seen old folks holding hands in the park?

 

Those that think a LTR should ALWAYS be liKe THE DISNEYLAND at the onset of the relationship are sadly mistaken. These are the folks that cheat as soon as the relationship becomes calm.

[McGuffin]

Just F*ck the guy and get it over with since that's what you want to do anyway

 

Gee, if I wanted to do that, don't you think I would have when I actually had the chance and not waited until after he left the country? Please spare the world from future iterations of yourself.

[Titanwolf]

You said that you were wondering about how much the living costs would be in Europe. Doesn't that raise a red flag in your mind? that's a little too far in my opinion, if you're already fantasizing about building a new life with this wild pokem- excuse me, "mystery man"

[McGuffin]

The point I had been trying to make is that if you are in it for the long run, 8 months is far too early to be falling for other guys. If that happened with me, Id think the girls feelings wouldnt last very long with me.

 

I think that's far too simplistic. I wouldn't even say I'm falling for that guy. To me, falling means falling in love. It's not possible to fall in love with someone you know so little about.

 

This is merely an unusual attraction for me.

 

Only twice before have I ever felt really attracted to a guy after knowing them less than a day. Both times I was single, and both times were disasters, because I ended up more interested in them than they were in me. Aside from those 2 cases, it takes me months to form an attraction to someone. Normally, when I'm in a relationship, I don't even give a second look much less thought to any guy but my boyfriend.

[Imajerk17]

Outta curiosity how did you meet your boyfriend?

 

That you have differing beliefs on kids is something of a time bomb. Either one of you will havve to change your minds or you will go your seperate ways.

[McGuffin]

As for the kids/no kids dilemma, I usually managed to bargain it down to one child or a couple of adopted kids with at least a few years between bringing them home. I don't have to be saddled with too much in the way of parental duties or childbearing, and they still get to be a parent.

 

I don't even want one child. I don't want adopted children either, but I could possibly be more okay with that. Most men who want children want their own children though.

 

I knew him for over a year before we were dating, and he knew going in I don't want kids. So for him to keep mentioning it is odd.

[McGuffin]

Outta curiosity how did you meet your boyfriend?

 

He used to work in my office. He was there somewhere between a year and year and a half. We started dating after he left.

 

That you have differing beliefs on kids is something of a time bomb. Either one of you will havve to change your minds or you will go your seperate ways.

 

*sigh* I know. That's why I always make it clear up front. I didn't even have to tell him, because he asked me having heard me say I don't want kids in some conversation in the office that I don't remember. So I didn't think it would be an issue. He keeps saying things like "when you have kids", "when you have a family", etc. The first dozen or so times, I called him on it. I've given up on correcting though.

[McGuffin]

However, if you have a good relationship and play the grass is greener on the other side you may get burned. In fact, you stated you already got burned twice.

 

I know the chances of anything working out would be minuscule. Even knowing and reminding myself of that doesn't seem to be working this time.

 

I'm usually very level-headed and the first to scoff at silly Hollywood concepts of romance. I'm one of those people who watches the dumb chick flick and says "That'll last 6 months." And usually I think the leading woman is a moron for not staying with the nicer, stable, committed guy (and often cuter IMO) she moved on to after the leading man behaved like an ass.

 

For example I have seen woman with great legs. Legs that are more attractive than the legs of my GF. Should I pursue these women? Or should I be thankful I have a great GF? There is always someone that looks better in one department.

 

I'm not really talking about being more attractive or having a more attractive feature. I can't think of a single person who I would say is more attractive than my boyfriend. Not even this guy. They look different, but neither is more attractive than the other. I think most girls would find my boyfriend more attractive at over 6 feet, blond hair, blue eyes to the guy who's no more than 5' 10", brown hair, brown eyes.

 

Nobody thinks this is more ridiculous than me. I have no intention of contacting this guy. I would never do that behind my boyfriend's back. But for some reason I have the urge to look at pictures of him, and I melt like a Justin Beiber fan girl. That's just not how I am and never has been. I looked at his facebook profile hoping it would say he's gay or married. Finding out a guy's married has always killed any interest for me. Sadly, he's neither.

 

Thoughts about that guy are always in my head and not generally of a sexual nature. I think of things I can do or make that would impress him, like writing a comic or making some awesome artwork, things I want to do but haven't felt sufficiently motivated to actually do. I want to do things that people would hear or see where he lived and he would tell people "I know her." Like a muse I guess.

 

I wish I could nail this down to one concrete factor and just make the situation go away.

 

I appreciate all the constructive comments. It's helped me realize I can't keep putting off having a talk with my boyfriend about the kids issue. Maybe if that's sorted out, the issue will go away.

[McGuffin]

Actually, you may have a point.

 

The calm stage usually comes after 2-3 years.

 

However, some folks get bored very quickly. However, it takes two to have a boring relationship.

 

I don't think there's any appropriate time frame for which to be bored with your relationship. If you need to always have a high in order not to be tempted to stray, that's a problem. I've never been "bored" in a relationship nor am I now.

 

The relationship isn't boring but not 100% perfect either. None could be, and anyone who expects that or their SO to never be attracted to another is naive. An arbitrary timeframe for when that's okay seems silly.

 

I still fail to see how being attracted to someone within a week or X months of meeting your partner is not okay but 2-3 years is okay. Unless you're the type of person who's attracted to a large number of people, it's just a matter of coincidence when you meet another person you're attracted to.

 

I think the more time you're with someone the less inclined you should be toward a wondering eye, because the deeper bond you have with your partner.

Edited July 22, 2012 by McGuffin