venusianx13 Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 months. All of it has been wonderful, and we are very devoted and in love with one another. After a series of bad relationships, finally, I was blown away by this man's character. He is consistently attentive, loving, thoughtful, caring, and was very forthcoming as to what he wants (a meaningful life, a family). We quickly became very close friends, as well. I wanted to be cautious, but things moved so quickly and felt so right, I didn't think to put on the brakes even a little bit. I don't worry about him being unfaithful, and he doesn't appear to have a bad bone in his body. He truly is a nice guy, the kind who finish last...I'm glad I gave him a chance. Everyone comments on how in love he is with me, and my family loves him. However, one thing he said about a month ago is all but forgotten by me. Forgiven, but not forgotten. We were having a serious discussion of sorts, and he says:"I was wondering if you were planning on toning up, like you had mentioned you were going to." Well, I'm not sure if it was SIMPLY bad timing (I was PMS-ing), but this hurt badly and caused our first conflict. He means so much to me, hearing something like that from him cut me deeply. I am by no means fat, however, I've struggled with hypothryoidism after having my son 7 years ago, which made it difficult for me to tone up as quickly as I wanted to, although there HAS been steady improvement. He realized quickly he'd made a mistake, and didn't want to let me leave his house (it was late)...so I slept in the spare bedroom (which he later then joined me in...basically, he wouldnt leave me alone). I am not sure if he was trying to motivate me, or if something darker was showing through. Those words have stuck with me. He felt awful afterward, and I didn't let him soon forget. Well, to the point, I feel less safe/comfortable around him now, and his words injected a doubt into me that I had not previously had. Am I being too harsh? Is this something worth letting go? Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Why wouldn't you want to make a man who you say is wonderful in every way happy? How easy do you think it is to find another guy like that. He wasn't asking you to get breast implants and cap all of your teeth. You BOTH know you need to lose a little weight. It's just a LITTLE weight so why are you making such a BIG deal out of it? Don't use hypothyroidism as an excuse either. Plenty of people who are hypo, including me, keep our weight down. If you need a better endocrinologist to optimize your meds, then do it. This is something you'd have to do anyway if you didn't have a boyfriend. Why don't the both of you plan healthy meals and activities together? It would be a good way to model a healthy lifestyle for your son. You are far too "sensitive." Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 He suggested you needing to tone up and you're still bothered by it after a month's time?? Cripes woman stop being so sensitive. Your sense of self-pity is off-putting. Get over yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Brit Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 I can see where it can all be confusing. You need to do it in order to make YOU happy, not to make HIM happy. I could see how that would hurt. Start doing Yoga or Pilates. Weights. Do it for yourself. Love trully comes from within, anything else you read on LS is all over the board, contradictory, insane, or just out of spite. A man or woman in love sees right through flaws, and if they cannot then the pairing is not a match or meant to be. There was a thread started by men, about how beautiful they are when they get out of bed and how women are not. Well, I fail to see how bloated bellies, hairy asses, bloated faces, puffy eyes, makes a man handsome in the morning, but women tend to look past that vain point of view. If he is not asking you to change anything else and treats you well in all other aspects, then it may be okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusianx13 Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 It's true, I am extremely sensitive. After being in a rough relationship for 5 years prior to this one, one that nearly broke my confidence...I guess I was still feeling a little more fragile than I owned up to. No, I'm not as on top of my hypothyroidism as I should be. And I think what he said just hit a button for me, and the fact that I've held onto those words for this long probably says a lot more about me than it does about my boyfriend. Well, I'm humbled. Link to post Share on other sites
yongyong Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Geez, he is such a douchebag. it's all about Personality right???? you don't mind one legged, one eyed guy as well since it's all about what's inside right?? Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 It's true, I am extremely sensitive. After being in a rough relationship for 5 years prior to this one, one that nearly broke my confidence...I guess I was still feeling a little more fragile than I owned up to. No, I'm not as on top of my hypothyroidism as I should be. And I think what he said just hit a button for me, and the fact that I've held onto those words for this long probably says a lot more about me than it does about my boyfriend. Well, I'm humbled. It sounds as if this is something you mentioned early on in the date of you wanting to start working out again. This sounds like he was asking a simple follow up question to see if you have gotten back to doing it. If you say you havent ---he may be looking at this as a serious question/character flaw in you are your attitude and committment. From what you said he just mentioned this once...not something he has said daily. If in conversations with him you said "I did this and this and I went ot the gym, and did that..." You say this regularly then he sees you sto mentioning it--he will ask what is up with it??? How is this any different from a wome who talk about their men as call them every day then after the relationship is establish that stop calling and texting so you worry whats going on???? Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 He's right. You do need to tone up. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 months. All of it has been wonderful, and we are very devoted and in love with one another. After a series of bad relationships, finally, I was blown away by this man's character. He is consistently attentive, loving, thoughtful, caring, and was very forthcoming as to what he wants (a meaningful life, a family). We quickly became very close friends, as well. I wanted to be cautious, but things moved so quickly and felt so right, I didn't think to put on the brakes even a little bit. I don't worry about him being unfaithful, and he doesn't appear to have a bad bone in his body. He truly is a nice guy, the kind who finish last...I'm glad I gave him a chance. Everyone comments on how in love he is with me, and my family loves him. However, one thing he said about a month ago is all but forgotten by me. Forgiven, but not forgotten. We were having a serious discussion of sorts, and he says:"I was wondering if you were planning on toning up, like you had mentioned you were going to." Well, I'm not sure if it was SIMPLY bad timing (I was PMS-ing), but this hurt badly and caused our first conflict. He means so much to me, hearing something like that from him cut me deeply. I am by no means fat, however, I've struggled with hypothryoidism after having my son 7 years ago, which made it difficult for me to tone up as quickly as I wanted to, although there HAS been steady improvement. He realized quickly he'd made a mistake, and didn't want to let me leave his house (it was late)...so I slept in the spare bedroom (which he later then joined me in...basically, he wouldnt leave me alone). I am not sure if he was trying to motivate me, or if something darker was showing through. Those words have stuck with me. He felt awful afterward, and I didn't let him soon forget. Well, to the point, I feel less safe/comfortable around him now, and his words injected a doubt into me that I had not previously had. Am I being too harsh? Is this something worth letting go? I think you know by his attitude after it it was not intentional for him to hurt you....the baggage you are carrying from a bad relationship is affecting a possible good relationship and how you communicate.I think its better for a guy to be able to be open with you.....sometimes what we hear isn't what we want to hear.....but good or bad comments.... its up to you how to take them......you can make it work for you......make your relationship stronger and feel good you have depth and honesty to yrou communication....you dont really want a guy that says to you yeah that outfit looks great on you... you want a guy who says nah that outfit isnt working ....support his honesty by realising you aren't perfect and he doesnt see you as having to be perfect and everyone can benefit from self improvement and honest loving criticism.....toning up and feeling strong and fit can change your outlook on life....put a bounce in your walk.....and most of all build your confidence to where it should be...give your sex life a bit of chilli....make you feel sexy...forget the past relationship and all the suitcases....travel light and give this one a chance to breathe......good luck and best wishes.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusianx13 Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 I have changed my eating habits, and lost weight - for ME. I'm not perfect, and know that I never will be. However, my concern was with if he just didn't see me as perfect enough for HIM. This is one drop in a bucket, I understand that, and the rest of the relationship has been great. I have begun exercising to tone up (not as often as may be ideal, but it's a steady start), but NOT because he wanted me to. Like another poster said, love sees through flaws. We all have them, but when we fall in love, our partner's flaws disappear. In short, it seemed shallow of him, and I thought he had a lot of depth. He's not perfect - he's socially awkward, not Mr. Confidence, etc, but I love every bit of him. He mentioned it once. I wondered if it was some innuendo to an ultimatum. It made me feel insecure and like maybe his love for me wasn't sincere. It could have also been because he is, like I said, a little socially awkward (doesn't always say the right things at the right times). I don't want to be hard on him, and no, I don't want to ruin the relationship because of my past bad experiences. He is, by far, the best man I've ever dated. Link to post Share on other sites
Disenchantedly Yours Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 I am always perplexed by advice that includes shunning someone for sharing their problem by telling them they are “too sensitive” for being honest about the way they feel about something. Almost implying that they are not allowed to feel a certain way, or that their feelings are “wrong”, about something because you don’t feel they should feel that way because maybe you wouldn’t. I really dislike seeing people do that to others. Venusianx13, I do not believe you are being “too sensitive”. You feel what you feel. That’s the way it is. You haven’t blow-up at him or withheld something from him or any of that kind of stuff. You are just being honest and forth right that this comment bothered you and stuck with you. The fact that you may want to or should “tone up” is currently mote. The issue really isn’t your level of muscle fitness but a hurtful comment a loved one made that stuck with you. I think you should really talk to him about it. It’s something you are holding onto and that’s no good. You said that you didn’t really open up to him about your thoughts on this and I think it might be past due time for that. Sit down, collect your thoughts, even right them down just to make them more organized, then when the opportunity seems good, start a conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him what you’ve been thinking and feeling and see how he responds. He might now know what he said was insensitive. I suggest you start this conversation though while you two are engaged in an activity. Such as cooking dinner together (if you guys do that) or whatever you two do together. Usually guys are a little uncomfortable with head on conversation. Women like the eye contact and bonding when sharing problems but men, not so much. I think if you talk with him about you you will either find out that he just messed up a little (like all guys and girls do sometimes) or you will find out if there is something darker there. Such as him being a guy overly concerned with your body and not just accepting you or your body for what it is. I think your concerns are reasonable. We all want to be accepted for who we are, as we are, even if we need to make improvements. That’s why I find the advice about you getting healthier off focus to what the real issue is here. This thread shouldn’t be about giving you health advice. The real issue is you not feeling accepted completely by your boyfriend. That has nothing to do with whatever shape your body is in. He either accepts you as you are or he doesn’t. His comment either was just one of those imperfect moments or it was a clue to something darker. You will only find out by talking to him about the issue and seeing how he responds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Dump him then. I can say that 3.5 months is not a long time. Not that what he did was terrible, but if you still can't get over it then end it. OR, you can just talk to him about how it hurt your feelings, you know... like an adult. Communication people, communication. I would be hurt too, but then again, I think I look great and I don't plan on changing unless it is on MY terms. Just like how I would never try to convince someone I care about to hit the gym. That's just me though. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Now he will be afraid to say anything to her because she will yell at him or cry herself to sleep. So much for communication. She shouldn't say anything and just start quietly losing the weight or including him in couples activities to burn calories -- swimming, dance lessons, cycling. It's not like he is asking her to cut herself off from family and friends or quit her job. Let's not forget that people who are 100 lbs. overweight started off being only a few pounds overweight initially right? Because of her past long term abusive relationship, I think she feels she doesn't deserve anyone good so is looking for any excuse to bail out of a healthy relationship. If find that very sad indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 The problem is, guys like this get progressively worse as time goes on. My ex's first comment was "I hope you don't gain any weight", innocent enough right? Wrong. The more he relaxed the more critical he became about every aspect of my looks and personality 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusianx13 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 I don't plan on dumping him, I do plan on talking to him, since this is something I just can't seem to forget about. I appreciate everyone's advice, no matter what form it came in. I actually read all of the posts, and am happy to have outside perspective;) I know he cares for me and is a kind person...which is why the comment perplexed me (and hurt). Then again, like me, he is not perfect. I can accept that. And I can talk to him and try put it to rest. My guard went up a little when he said this to me, whereas before, I felt very safe with him. Actually, I didn't cry myself to sleep or yell at him when he said this. I got up quietly and said, "I have to go..." and tried to leave his house. I ended up sleeping in the spare room, I just didn't want to sleep next to him that night. It was a very calm conflict, not an argument. Anyway, that said, my last relationship may have me a little jaded, indeed. Why did I stay with an abusive guy for 5 years? Well, out of pity. And the hope that things might change. I left him when I was wise enough to know that things weren't going to get better. Call it an epiphany. I don't think I have anything else for this... thanks very much for the different perspectives and advice. I will definitely consider it all upon going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
leftfordead2 Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Dump him then. I can say that 3.5 months is not a long time. Not that what he did was terrible, but if you still can't get over it then end it. OR, you can just talk to him about how it hurt your feelings, you know... like an adult. Communication people, communication. I would be hurt too, but then again, I think I look great and I don't plan on changing unless it is on MY terms. Just like how I would never try to convince someone I care about to hit the gym. That's just me though. This is horrible advice. Asking her to dump him just cause of a mild comment? Nice making a mountain out of a molehill. Link to post Share on other sites
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 This is horrible advice. Asking her to dump him just cause of a mild comment? Nice making a mountain out of a molehill. I gave her a few options... I don't see my advice as horrible. Then again, if she thinks it is, she doesn't have to use it. No harm, no foul. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 The problem is, guys like this get progressively worse as time goes on. My ex's first comment was "I hope you don't gain any weight", innocent enough right? Wrong. The more he relaxed the more critical he became about every aspect of my looks and personality I am sorry you had to put up with that, live and learn right?! I don't plan on dumping him, I do plan on talking to him, since this is something I just can't seem to forget about. I appreciate everyone's advice, no matter what form it came in. I actually read all of the posts, and am happy to have outside perspective;) I know he cares for me and is a kind person...which is why the comment perplexed me (and hurt). Then again, like me, he is not perfect. I can accept that. And I can talk to him and try put it to rest. My guard went up a little when he said this to me, whereas before, I felt very safe with him. Actually, I didn't cry myself to sleep or yell at him when he said this. I got up quietly and said, "I have to go..." and tried to leave his house. I ended up sleeping in the spare room, I just didn't want to sleep next to him that night. It was a very calm conflict, not an argument. Anyway, that said, my last relationship may have me a little jaded, indeed. Why did I stay with an abusive guy for 5 years? Well, out of pity. And the hope that things might change. I left him when I was wise enough to know that things weren't going to get better. Call it an epiphany. I don't think I have anything else for this... thanks very much for the different perspectives and advice. I will definitely consider it all upon going forward. Bravo deary, if that is how you feel it should go then do it! It is way better than letting it brew until you lay it on him one day and he is caught WAY off guard. I hope the talk goes well! Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 The problem is, guys like this get progressively worse as time goes on. My ex's first comment was "I hope you don't gain any weight", innocent enough right? Wrong. The more he relaxed the more critical he became about every aspect of my looks and personality I agree with this. For this comment to be made 3.5 months into a relationship is a huge red flag. He is already finding fault with you and the honeymoon period is not even anywhere near over. When I have been in love with someone, I accepted them for who they were and how they looked. They may have been overweight, but that is who they were and that is who I loved. You have a right to be concerend about this. As Eternal Sunshine stated, this is going to get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Actually, with my experience behind me, I would dump someone for this comment. It may seem innocent enough but if you think of his thought process behind it...it gets ugly. 3.5 months is "the honeymoon" phase where the guy is so smitten by you he should think you are gorgeous. Instead, he is already finding faults. Red flag has been raised. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 The only time such comments are warranted is if you gain a significant amount of weight since the start of the relationship; hence you look differently than when he met you. Otherwise, hell no. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 I don't think the comment in itself is horrible, so I do think that if that was the ONLY remotely superficial thing he'd ever said, you're making a molehill into a mountain. However, sometimes our gut/instinctive reaction is there for a reason - there may be other, larger issues that you perceive in the relationship but can't really put words to, and the comment that you reacted to so strongly was just an indicator of them. Nobody knows but you, so you need to think about that. My opinion, if you genuinely love him and think he's great, is that you should just let it go and see what happens. If there are greater signs of incompatibility or jerkishness, you'll find out in time. No point preemptively throwing away something good in fear of what MIGHT be - give it a real shot and you will soon know whether it is worth it or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 brit, I read disenchantedly's post and I re read my post to you......i always try and find positives from negatives its a coping mechanism of mine that is effective for me and allows me to have hope......doesnt mean that it is effective for everyone or for you .....disenchanted is so right your feelings are important and they should not be made light of ....i honestly wasnt intentionally making light of your feelings.... suggesting that toning up would help you improve areas of your life seems flippant now i dont deal with guilt so need to upchuck it and clarify i have foot in mouth disease and then i feel better......i only suggested that you tone because exercise has been beneficial in my recovery from crappy situations in my past.....because that is an area of my life where i am in control and that control can never be taken away from me....i took up kick boxing as self defence originally but then enjoyed the control it gave me......control over many nagging thoughts i struggled with...control over the way my body looks, moves and reacts faster than before i took up kick boxing.....kick boxing gives me inner strength to deal with any crap i have had to face or will face now or in the future....that and my prescribed meds and a flatulent rottweiler called xena i can have hope.....i hope you see that i was in "always look on the bright side of life la la land" waffling on way too much and not meaning to step all over your feelings...because they do count..and i send you deserve to feel good vibes your way...from deb Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts