I feel like we have a chance together, but we both have issues. How to tackle them?

[ralph_wiggum]

Right, there's this boy I've been friends with for the last 2 years, we met on OKCupid and since then we've maintained a casual sexual relationship/ friendship. I fell for him about 6 months after meeting him, and ever since then I've been wondering how he feels about me, and getting incredibly confused in the process. There were times when it seemed like he was INTO me in a more romantic way, but then it would fizzle out and I'd wonder if i'd just imagined it.

 

For instance, we'd be laying down together and he'd pull me close and put my head on his chest, and we'd fall asleep cuddling. It was lovely. Or there's this thing he does, where he 'pretends' to be jealous of my male friend (because it 'riles me up') but he seriously does this ALL the time and I wonder if the joking is masking a genuine jealousy. Whenever he goes traveling he brings me back little presents, and on a few occasions he's mentioned me living with him ('to help pay rent', or 'so he doesn't have to keep picking me up' (I can't drive). These make me wonder if he wants more, too.

 

But then he's said to me before how he doesn't ever want a relationship with anyone because of the 'expectation' from others that ensues, and that the whole idea of 'a relationship' is unnecessary.

He's very nomadic in nature and never really stays in one place, part of the reason I find him attractive and exciting to be around.

But I still feel like I want more- I don't want to settle down but I want us to be closer. Some of those things may just indicate a good friendship, but things have happened recently which have made me realise this relationship has the potential to become more.

 

The other day, I was on IM to him, and I mentioned how some weird guy on OKCupid was messaging me. He went into joke mode, but he seemed a bit funny and asked for the link to my OkCupid account (he deleted his a while ago). Then he started ripping into it and some of my pictures (not in an overly harsh way, he was joking but it all seemed a bit uncharacteristic of him) and asking why I didn't want to stay single, because 'single's fun'. He then proceeds to tell me how meeting people in real life is far better, and how I just need to be more confident and I'd easily attract people.

 

Anyway, I don't know whether this coincides with that IM conversation or what- or if it influenced him at all- but, the next day, I get a text from him saying how he's thinking of going to the doctors. I ask why, and he says he needs to get antidepressants again because he thinks his depression has come back.

Now, this is the first I've heard about his depression. I'm quite suprised because he always seems so self-assured and optimistic, but at the same time I think I always sensed something was wrong. He tells me how his deperession affects his relationships with people- his ability to get close to them- and other things, like his drive. He said how he doesn't tell many people, and I feel like the fact he has told me means that he trusts me as a close friend. Before, he never really revealed that much about himself. In return, I told him how I used to have depression when I was younger, triggered by childhood OCD. Since then I feel like we've been closer.

 

Anyway, the next day after that exchange, we were texting and he tells me how he thinks I like him as more than a friend/sexual partner. In my head I'm like 'well, duh', but then I remember how much I'd been trying to conceal it because of my fear of him rejecting me. He told me he guessed because of my body language and the fact I'd been chatted up before when I was with him but didn't even notice. I asked if he felt the same, or even a little bit the same, and he said (I've copied this from the text message):

 

 

'I have a soft spot for you, for sure. Your an attractive lady with a good personality but you have stuff you have to sort out because I struggle with it. Your sometimes crippling shyness, you can be so coy and timid, you need to learn to be a bit more adventurous and forward about your emotions and YOU NEED to make the first move sometimes! That one really bugs me! It's all me! If you worked in those, I don't see why we couldn't explore a little more. Though I got to be fair, I have issues too. '

 

I said I can see what he means and explained how I'm terrified about opening up to people, and then I said that sometimes I get the impression that I'm dispensable to him, and I find him confusing. He said:

 

'Everyone's pretty much dispensable to me. Hence why I need to sort out stuff on my part. That's not your fault. That's mine. I am confusing. You could have always made yourself less dispensable with me by telling me how you feel! I'm incredibly loyal and it tears me up to lose close friends, hence why you should open up so we can be closer. You need to learn to regret the things you DON'T DO rather than the things you DO. If it wasn't for me being blunt and to the point, we wouldn't be having this convo. You really need to learn to be more open about your feelings. You'll end up with emotional and mental problems if you don't, trust me on that one.'

 

Now. I really don't know what to do. We've both agreed we have issues. But how do we go about combating them? I feel like for things to grow between us, I need to open up. But I find it so hard. I've never been in a relationship before, and I do have problems with loosening up around people (even people I'm close to) and being natural. I'm so scared of rejection, and I never really say how I feel. Whenever I'm out with him, I DO relax somewhat (which is one of the reasons I like him so much) but sometimes I just freeze up, when it comes to showing affection or making the first move. I can appear cold, because it's natural for me to hide my feelings.

 

I know that in order for us to get close, I need to open up. That way maybe I can help him work out some of the issues he has, with getting close to people.

But I don't know where to start...what does he exactly mean by 'being open about my feelings'? Should I tell him more often that I like him? Or that I enjoy his company? But I get the impression that if I did that, he'd run away. I'm not sure how to tackle this.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading this essay.

Edited July 2, 2012 by ralph_wiggum

[without]

Many would say that it's not a good thing to be just a sex partner, when you clearly have feelings for them.

But you already did that.

Opening up is hard at fist but when you do it, it will become easier just don't overthink it and just do it.

 

It seems from your essay that he has the same problem as you, but he wants you to be not like him and therefore the relationship will be able to work out. If both of you hide your feelings then how is it gonna work?

 

I was in a situation that I really liked someone and I felt he isn't the type to open up so I took the lead, It seemed hard at first but when I did it, it wasn't that hard. Tell yourself you're doing this for yourself no matter how he reacts and I love that sentence i use it all the time too"I only regret things I have never done".

 

Just a tip after opening up, don't over-do it, he will get lazy.

[ralph_wiggum]

It's interesting how you say he has the same problem as me when it comes to opening up. I never really thought about it that way, but I guess that is the case. Sometimes he just comes across so self assured and confident, I forget that he's probably afraid of getting hurt too.

 

So. I guess I'll have to throw myself head first into this, and just forget about getting hurt and just DO IT. I've heard the advice to combat this sort of thing: pretend to be a certain person who is the person you need to be, and eventually you'll incorporate those new behaviors.

 

Obviously, I don't mean I'm going to stop being myself, but I'm just going to 'play' at being a more uninhibited version of myself. Mind you, I've had years and years of being 'closed off' to people, so this is going to be hard- like deconstructing my own defense mechanism.

 

 

He's actually said to me before that he doesn't like taking the lead all the time because it encourages me to be lazy and rely on him all the time, so I guess I've got create some balance there

Edited July 3, 2012 by ralph_wiggum

[penguino]

If you don't open up, how do you ever expect to have a relationship with anyone? I know it's hard if you've grown accustomed to being inhibited, but if you FORCE yourself to do things, it WILL become easier.

And if you get rejected a few times- big deal! It'll lead to embarrassment, but that's it. If you carry on avoiding doing things because of the threat of that embarrassment- that's where your trouble is. That's how you could lose him. I'm sure he won't think less of you if you misread his signals, or make a wrong move. You'll be wearing your heart on your sleeve and that is far more appealing in a relationship than keeping it under 10 layers of steel.

 

Also, you'll eventually have to talk to him about why he's so against relationships. I'm guessing part of him is at least considering one, for him to suggest you could be 'exploring a little more'. It might be the hopeless romantic in me- and I don't want you to get your hopes up- but I get the impression this lad probably wants someone to help HIM open up and to support him through his issues- hence why he's so insistent on working on yours.

 

Good luck

[ralph_wiggum]

Thanks so much. I completely agree.

You'll be wearing your heart on your sleeve and that is far more appealing in a relationship

 

That definitely makes sense, but I know if I do that I'm definitely going to get hurt. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to find a balance between the reserved part of me and the other part which just wants to be free and open. What do you think? Guh!

[mickleb]

threebyfate - a wise lady here - suggests 'be yourself and don't fear loss' (or something akin to that). Wise advice.

 

This guy isn't promising much, so you shouldn't be doing anything for his sake. If you want to try sharing your feelings more, do so, but don't expect anything from it other than some personal growth. A little 'feel the fear and do it anyway' can be a good thing.

[ralph_wiggum]

That is good advice. 'Sharing feelings' is such an ambiguous idiom, I never quite know what 'sharing feelings' actually entails. I suppose it just means making your emotions obvious when appropriate- but how do I determine when it's appropriate to do so? Maybe it doesn't necessarily have to involve words. Maybe when we're sleeping next to eachother I could initiate cuddling?

 

I wish he felt the same way about me I think I love him. Ugh.

[mickleb]

I just see it as talking about how you feel, from time to time. Those feelings might be negative or positive, and voicing them may make you feel uncomfortable, but the results of doing so might turn out to be more than worth it. They might be communicating how he makes you feel and could be positive: 'I love it when you (do this)', or negative: 'Could you try to (do this) for me, please (for this reason)?' Or could be about anything on the planet that whips up your emotions. Don't do this if you don't want to but if you're curious about trying it, do so.

 

If you want to fall out of love with him, you can do that. Believe me! It's all about choice.

[ralph_wiggum]

Ah. That makes sense. I think I'll give it a go, otherwise I can't expect anything to change. And yeah, I suppose I could distance myself from him if I ever felt like my feelings are getting out of control. At the moment, I kind of like having someone I care about. Despite it hurting sometimes.