GF studying abroad... (Long Post Beware!)

[gmazz06]

Hello everyone!

 

This is my first post and I must admit I have purchased gift ideas from this site before but never felt the need to post for advice until now. My girlfriend (Rachael) and I have been dating for approximately 5 months now and she will be leaving to study abroad in Milan, Italy on Sept. 3 and won't return until Dec. 15. I must admit the idea of distance is growing on me especially considering the time difference between us will make it very unlikely that we get to talk to each other outside of our early mornings or late in the evening. Not to mention the international phone she will have overseas does not include text messaging and she plans to use her precious minutes in order to call family members while keeping in contact with myself and her friends via social networks and skype.

 

I plan to be available as much as I can for her considering she is experiencing her favorite country for the first time where as I am experiencing typical American college life in a place I've already lived in for a year now. At the same time I can't just devote all my free time to catering to her schedule and needs. I know their will be times where she wants to talk but i may need to focus on my experiences with my friends and may not be available all the time. I want to WANT, to talk to her when the time comes, I don't want to feel obligated to.

 

Aside from that I must admit we have had a rocky road up to this point and I am nervous of the distance deteriorating our connection. A few months ago she broke up with me after hiding a past sexual encounter I had with a girl (Jess) that we both knew, but at the time of the encounter Rachael and I were nothing more than friends and occasional sexual partners. Rachael confronted me the day after she witnessed me and Jess kissing in public and she asked had I ever had sex with her. I lied which I shouldn't have done and after that day I cut off communication with Jess. Unfortunately a few months after this occasion we were talking about that night (at this point I was dating Rachael for about 3 months) and I decided she needed to know the truth so I bluntly admitted to having sex with this girl. She broke up with me in the moment as she was so torn about how I could hide this from her that she left town for 2 nights. I felt I was never obligated to tell Rachael the truth but nonetheless I should of seeing how I hadn't cheated on her or anything since we weren't dating, so telling her the truth the first time would of carried no guilt but I admit I didn't tell her the truth because I didn't want to risk losing Rachael. She occasionally still brings back memories of seeing me with Jess and it affects our relationship to this day but I am patient with Rachael and I never try to avoid the talks she brings up. Unfortunately though, the story does not end there...

 

So the night I told Rachael the truth and she broke up with me and left town, I felt that she handled the situation irrationally and both my friends as well as her friends seemed to be on my side but admitted I shouldn't have lied but that I never should of had to tell Rachael what had happened in the first place and that me lying to her was only to protect her feelings. This is where I royally screw up. That day I told Rachael that I wasn't going to be in a relationship where we are on and off after every fight and that if we were going to fix this we were going to do it together as a couple. I felt so strongly about this in the moment I truly did. Sadly though, after she agreed to stay together, I went out with some friends and they influenced me to believe we weren't right for each other and that I was becoming distant from my friends as well as a changed man in the process. I regrettably agreed that I need to end it but didn't know how to after I had literally told her an hour ago that I wanted to work this out. That evening I went out with a different group of friends and after losing sight of what I wanted, I kissed a close friend of mine. We live in the same building so when we went home that night she came over and we spent hours hanging out and quite a while kissing. I felt guilty the entire time and even found it hard to be attracted to this girl in the moment because I couldn't stop thinking of how wrong I was for being unfaithful in the moment. The worst part is that instead of coming clean, I shored up all the borders and got everyone who witnessed to keep it a secret. I was unsuccessful as someone who had seen us that night told Rachael about a month after all this had happened. I admitted to what I did and we've had a very shaky journey since that day. She struggles daily to believe I care about her as well as struggles to find any way of ever trusting me again.

 

Since this day I have literally undergone some kind of transformation. I am so much more passionate about my relationship with Rachael. I want it more now than I ever have before. I want a future with her. A family with her. I want to experience life hand in hand. The hard part is helping Rachael see this. She always says how i've let her down with lies before so she struggles to believe anything I say and that only actions and time will bring us back to peace. I write letters and do cute things constantly. I write down everything we talk about in a journal so I never forget. My problem and reason behind writing this huge detailed outline of our relationship is that I am searching for help in reassuring Rachael that I am truly committed and dedicated to "us" as well as I am hoping to get any ideas for things to give her or do with her whether it be during the summer where I can go see her or after she has left for Italy.

 

I have a surprise send-off party for her coming up in late August that will be Italian themed but I really want to give her specific things that she can bring to Italy so she can remind herself I care wholeheartedly. I was also hoping for ideas that could help her enjoy her experience in Italy even more. Like a map with all the best places to eat/travel. Any ideas/gifts Italian related or just simply cute ideas/gifts I can do for her are truly appreciated! I must also thank you from the bottom of my heart for even reading this post to the end!

 

I have researched LDR's and am preparing myself for what to expect but she unfortunately prefers the natural way of doing things and doesnt plan to prep herself for what she may experience as a result of being so far away and unable to talk much. I am worrisome that her mentality of our relationship up to this point will only help her in feeling the distance between us and it may cause a divide and ultimately a breakup. Please if you have any suggestions or knowledge that could prove beneficial, do not hesitate to respond! Thank you again I really am grateful for all and any help I can get! I can not lose this girl twice!

 

-Garrett

[FitChick]

This should be moved to the Long Distance forum. Tell the mods.

[yongyong]

If a nice behavior to women can help you steal her heart and keep her committed to the relationship, I would do anything. but you know it won't work that way.

 

American women going on a study abroad.....what's the chance she won't bang any guys? seriously.........we all know...

[InJest]

Don't get her anything. She's going to **** a bunch of hot Italians, don't reward her, dump her and hook up with someone else before she leaves if you can.

[TheJMan211]

So I don't have much room to talk but I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 4 years now and she has been abroad in different parts of Europe for a little over a month now...just before she left we had some issues that gave her trust concerns with me and, similar to you, I started to feel like I had a change of heart and really I wanted to make things work and to be with her even more than I had before. I broke down and told her everything and made it very clear that the future I see for myself includes her. Now I still feel that way but sometimes it's difficult after seeing pictures and being told about her fun nights out and everything but my ultimate realization is this : if I've made it clear to her what I want for our future and she decides to fool around then obviously she didn't want the same thing and it wasn't meant to be. I text her using google voice (she can use that to call you internationally for free) when I can, message on Facebook, email, whatever I can when we both can and hope that continues to show her that i'm serious and give her more reasons to be faithful. keep in mind that this is a foreign place, internet will probably not be as accessible so if you don't hear back immediately, keep your cool. It's not easy by any means but you can't force her to stay, just make your feelings clear and do what you can, that's all you can do, if she doesn't want what you want then it will become clear quickly. The nights I know she's going out are the toughest, give her a reason to stay, remind her of why she fell in love with you in the first place...sexting works well if she's willing you have to let her discover herself though and this is probably the best opportunity she'll ever have, all you can do is show your feelings and hope she feels the same

[Els]

Yongyong and InJest have clearly had no LDR experience. Ignore them.

 

If I'm reading your OP right, she's only going to be gone for 3 months.. is that correct? If so, I wouldn't worry terribly much if I were you. If you're both committed to the R and willing to put in the effort to make it work, 3 months is nothing, honest. We have a LDR sub-forum here that you might find an interesting read. Some of the people have been doing long distance for years and have made it work. I did LD for 2+ years, and we've been together for more than 4 years now.

 

The thing about distance is that, especially with a short timeframe such as 3 months, it doesn't usually break up relationships that were meant to last. So if it does tear you apart, you know you weren't really meant to be in the first place, and that's okay. I wouldn't take her not researching LDRs or 'prepping herself' as a sign of lack of commitment in and of itself. Personally, I don't even find 3 months to be anything that you need prepping for, except perhaps setting up Skype on both of your ends and discussing about how often you hope to talk to each other, roughly.

 

Chill. If it was meant to be, she'll be back in a blink of an eye.