is this relationship healthy?

[pleiades]

Hi,

 

There is someone with whom i've been in a ralationship for some while, a little over two years. In many ways it is beautiful. We've had wonderful moments together. We enjoy each other's company. Our sexual attraction for each other is sky high. His touch melts me. I get the feeling that he's always there for me, to help me or comfort me. I can always talk to him about whatever bothers me, and he always listens. He listens to me when I just chatter, and I feel comfortable telling him any idea I have. Our comunication is great. I feel more comfortable with him then with anyone else. He strenghens me when I'm down and weak, and always tries to push me forward to success. He loves me, and I feel his love is strong. I also feel he understands me.

 

I love him mainly when we are alone and when he directs his attention on me. I can love him dearly. I care greatly for him. Sometimes I feel motherly towards him, like I want to protect him. Sometimes I feel we are like little playmates just having fun. Sometimes I feel like he is bigger and stronger than me, protecting me.

 

We have many times promised each other that we'll stick together. I have many times prayed at night that our relationship will work.

 

The problem is that I would get recurring doubts, but I would dismis them, thinking they were connected with my mood swings, and would pass in a few days. And they would pass. But in the last few months the doubts have intensified.

 

I feel that although I may love him, I don't admire or respect him much. I admit he is very inteligent, has a quick mind and good understanding, but I find I don't have much faith in things he tells me and in his ideas, until I hear the same things from someone else (like one of my family members, whose judgment I trust more). Also I don't like some of his character traits. I sometimes think he is overly arrogant, and a bit aggresive. His competitiveness irritates me at times. Lastly, we don't seem to have too many interests in common, which makes me sometimes think him shallow and uncultured. He doesn't seem to give me much intelectual pleasure.

Sometimes I worry whether I can be happy with him. Because sometimes when I'm with him I feel very needy, longing for more attention and more emotional connection, so much so that I can feel sad. And sometimes when I see him with other people, the problems I mentions above (arrogance and shallowness) become more pronounced, and I don't feel attracted to him (even slightly ashamed or repulsed).

 

Is it normal to have such doubts? Maybe it is just my own character, that I tend to get irretated by people about me. Should I just accept our differeces? Or is there a problem here?

 

Thanks for reading this, any thoughts will be appreciated:).

[pteromom]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it was your own character that is the issue here. Or more accurately, your own expectations. You can't expect a man to fulfill EVERY NEED to you have in life.

 

He's a good guy, caring, loving, good chemistry, good person... but he doesn't stimulate you much intellectually. So why not get that intellectual stimulation from other friends/family? Nothing wrong with that.

 

I feel that although I may love him, I don't admire or respect him much. I admit he is very inteligent, has a quick mind and good understanding, but I find I don't have much faith in things he tells me and in his ideas, until I hear the same things from someone else (like one of my family members, whose judgment I trust more). Also I don't like some of his character traits. I sometimes think he is overly arrogant, and a bit aggresive. His competitiveness irritates me at times. Lastly, we don't seem to have too many interests in common, which makes me sometimes think him shallow and uncultured. He doesn't seem to give me much intelectual pleasure.

 

None of this can't be overcome, unless by "aggressive", you mean "abusive", or if one of the interests you don't share is something very important to you and central to who you are.

 

Because sometimes when I'm with him I feel very needy, longing for more attention and more emotional connection, so much so that I can feel sad.

 

So do you think you have issues with co-dependence, or do you think the two of you are just incompatible when it comes to the amount of affection in the relationship?

 

Is it normal to have such doubts? Maybe it is just my own character, that I tend to get irretated by people about me. Should I just accept our differeces? Or is there a problem here?

 

When you weigh out all the good and all the bad in the relationship, is there more good than bad? Nobody is going to be PERFECT.

 

It's up to you whether these incompatibilities are too much to take or not. But just going from what you've written here, it sounds mostly like you just need to accept that he isn't perfect, and that it is ok that he can be who he is and you can be who you are.

[jennykeith7]

I don't sure about that, but I must suggest only one thing can it just depending on your warm relationships and great understanding and trust between each other.

[freetolove]

perhaps work on your insecurities.