SerCay Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 So I'm trying to recover and look back on what went wrong in my previous relationship after my recent break up, to be able to do some self-improvement One of the points of breaking up with my ex was my losing of trust in him. My ex used to have contact with all his ex flings who he had sex with. This contact was also through IM, phone, and texting. He never actually met up with one of them during our relationship. Various things happened, from girls sending him pictures with quotes like ''I want you'' to girls who just said I miss you, during a conversation. He tells me all these girls knew he has a girlfriend because he told them, but somehow I was just having a hard time believing this.. He says ''some girls even try harder for you when they find out you have a gf'' I for myself, would never ever send such a message to a guy who I know, has a gf, so I just could not understand it. It really bugged me that he felt the urge to be in contact with them without being able to tell them to just stop saying these things because he has a girlfriend, or even stop contact at all. He on the other hand accuses me of having trust issues and being jealous because he wasnt meeting any of these women and he just likes to chat to a lot of different people. He says I should trust him and understand that there's a reason why it didn't work out between him and them and I should give him the space to be talking to whomever he likes to, as long as he's saying nothing wrong and not meeting them. He says I should focus on what happens between us, and not on secundairy stuff like these friends/acquaintances he like to chat with. But still.. it bugged me and I lost my trust for him over it.. He never told me anything about who these girls were and what they were talking about, so I just started wondering why they felt the freedom to just send him those pictures and the I miss you messages... btw. With pictures I mean naughty pictures and I have never snooped around in his phone or anything.. he told me during fights about this, that girls sent him those but he never acted upon it Soooo guys and girls.. have I been on the extremely jealous side here.. or would you also not accept this from your long term comitted bf/gf?
d'Arthez Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I would not have a problem with a future gf speaking to any of her exes, provided she'd be happy to let me speak to them as well. Note: I am not a jealous person. 2
pteromom Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 My ex used to have contact with all his ex flings who he had sex with. Ok. Various things happened, from girls sending him pictures with quotes like ''I want you'' to girls who just said I miss you, during a conversation. Not ok. I should give him the space to be talking to whomever he likes to, as long as he's saying nothing wrong and not meeting them. This is true. But in talking with old flings, he has a responsibility to you to show you respect. This means if someone tells him "I want you." he has a responsibility to say "No, I have a gf and if you aren't happy with just friendship, we are gonna have to quit talking to each other." 2
LoveAshley Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 There's no way in HELL I would accept that from a guy. He's just trying to keep them all in radar because the attention from all the different women at once feeds his ego, and his blame on you for you being insecure and jealous??? Please. He's insecure because he needs to keep these women around to feel good about himself. And besides, all good things come to and end. All those chick will soon end up married with kids and will no longer care about that douche and he'll have no one maybe maybe one or two fat chicks vying for his attention in the future. 6
Author SerCay Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 This is true. But in talking with old flings, he has a responsibility to you to show you respect. This means if someone tells him "I want you." he has a responsibility to say "No, I have a gf and if you aren't happy with just friendship, we are gonna have to quit talking to each other." Yes that would be my logical choice of words too.. he told me he just reacted uninterested so that they would ''understand'' oh gees.. the m0re I think about it the more I start to think I wasn't being jealous at all but just requested honesty
Author SerCay Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 There's no way in HELL I would accept that from a guy. He's just trying to keep them all in radar because the attention from all the different women at once feeds his ego, and his blame on you for you being insecure and jealous??? Please. He's insecure because he needs to keep these women around to feel good about himself. And besides, all good things come to and end. All those chick will soon end up married with kids and will no longer care about that douche and he'll have no one maybe maybe one or two fat chicks vying for his attention in the future. I've told him this! his reply; let me be a man.. I'm not doing anything wrong, you are trying to turn me into your b*tch by controlling who I talk to and what I say to them..
RiverRunning Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I would never accept a boyfriend being in contact with an ex again. PERIOD. Very rarely, it's benign. More often than not, it's because they crave the attention/they would get back with her if she gave them the time of day/they enjoy having an emotional and possibly a physical affair with her. I'm willing to put my life savings on the fact that most guys who have contact with an ex - with whom they DO NOT share children - are doing so for less than benign reasons. That's why I think it's unacceptable. Having been through something similar myself, OP, I think you made the right decision. And I don't think your behavior screams 'jealous' to me. I think it SHOULD make people a little uncomfortable when a boyfriend is prattling on about his ex or they're chatting on the phone like BFFs (<3). You know what? There's a fine line between trusting someone and being an idiot. Guy talking to his ex signals definite warning bells (granted, nowadays, I would tell a guy upfront it's a dealbreaker. First offense, he's gone). If I were to explain to such a guy - if I were even tolerating him talking to an ex - that it bothered me and he reacted as defensively as my ex did, he would be done for then and there. For what it's worth, my ex deceived me about contacting his ex for a long while, then started casually mentioning talking to her. I thought he was talking about in the past. Had no idea she was still talking to him on-line. I think the ONLY way that talking to an ex can work is if the following conditions are met: 1. It has been a long while since they broke-up. They BOTH seem 'over' the relationship. People who are over a relationship certainly do not send each other flirty messages, and guys don't boast about how exes want them more when they have girlfriends. 2. The ex-girlfriend and the current boyfriend are willing to respect the current girlfriend's wishes, within reason. If you go into a relationship knowing the dynamic, you can't suddenly change your mind and want it to be different later on. But if you don't know the full story - or if somebody deceives you and reveals it later on - you have every right to state your requests. And if neither party is at least willing to compromise, walk on out, sister. He's ALWAYS going to value her more than you. 3
RiverRunning Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I've told him this! his reply; let me be a man.. I'm not doing anything wrong, you are trying to turn me into your b*tch by controlling who I talk to and what I say to them.. lololololol. I got this line so many times, SerCay. The thing is, people who are having contact with their exes want to turn it back onto YOU. *You* are the jealous one. *You* are the controlling one. I remember how much I laughed when an acquaintance had a crush on me. My ex was -so- jealous he couldn't stand it. And this was an acquaintance I had a professional history with (we worked briefly at the same company). We rarely saw each other and it was mostly just to keep up professional correspondence. The night after my ex met the acquaintance at a party, he stopped talking to his ex cold turkey. The very people who throw around the "you're jealous/you're controlling" crap would poo themselves if someone they cared about were talking to their ex - usually. Every then and again you do run into the guys who just don't care, but usually they do. They want you AND the ex to go to, and they can't stand the thought of you having another guy in the background. Don't ever tolerate someone telling you that you're controlling or overly jealous again. It is normal, natural and expected to be jealous over an ex if he's still in touch with her, and all the moreso with your ex's behavior. He was just trying to justify his own behavior and get YOU to stop bringing it up to him. It's called projection, and it sounds like your ex was a master at it. What do I consider jealous/overly controlling? Again, woman seeing the situation as it is, pretending to be fine with it. THEN later on changing her tune. But if you don't know, go into it and explain you don't like something that is obviously very detrimental to a monogamous relationship, that doesn't at all make you controlling or jealous. 2
LoveAshley Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 (edited) I've told him this! his reply; let me be a man.. I'm not doing anything wrong, you are trying to turn me into your b*tch by controlling who I talk to and what I say to them.. Yeah you did the right thing by dropping him. He's mr "I hold the cards and no one controls me and I'll hold that against you if you try anything I don't like" guy. This is actually a tactic commonly used by men are emotionally abusive to their spouses. He's actually the one controlling you by trying to make it look like you are trying to control him. Basically like reverse psychology. This type of guy will never change. He'll always be the type of guy who will try to have tons of little hotties running around in circles for him and he won't be having any girlfriend who opposes this. He won't change for anyone and the sooner any woman who crosses his path realizes it, the better off they will be. Just leave him be. He'll wind up lonely watching porn every night because no woman other than one night stands will be able to handle his selfishness and inconsideration. He's not the relationship type of guy, and probably will never be married. Edited June 6, 2012 by LoveAshley 1
Author SerCay Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 Don't ever tolerate someone telling you that you're controlling or overly jealous again. It is normal, natural and expected to be jealous over an ex if he's still in touch with her, and all the moreso with your ex's behavior. He was just trying to justify his own behavior and get YOU to stop bringing it up to him. It's called projection, and it sounds like your ex was a master at it. Hi RiverRunning, Yes my ex was and IS a master at projection..I only found out about this when I was losing my mind to feelings of guilt because ''I solely had ruined the relationship'' The thing is, my ex was talking to flings he used to have sex with in the past...no feelings involved, these women didn't even matter to him! He was just feeding his fragile man ego on their attention by throwing them hope every once in a while (is what I believe) Eitherway.. sad To ruin a very good relationship over these kinds of insecurities Now I would like to add, I have no problem at all at alll with my bf having friends of the opposite sex, but I'd like to know them, if not in person, I would like to know their names and stuff like that.. just like I tell him about my friends. And like you said, yes, he would get jealous over my male friends. The difference is I assured him there's nothing to worry about and told him about every single one of them. I tried te relieve hiim by explaining nothing was going on and he could read my messages with them.. he on the other hand always always got defensive and angry, I think that's what started my suspicion also a bit
Lil1 Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 So I'm trying to recover and look back on what went wrong in my previous relationship after my recent break up, to be able to do some self-improvement One of the points of breaking up with my ex was my losing of trust in him. My ex used to have contact with all his ex flings who he had sex with. Say no more! I didn't need to read the rest. This right here says it all! He is a cheating liar at worst and an insecure attention whore at best. He would have eventually sucked all of the joy out of your life if you stayed with him. Move on and don't waste another thought on him. Remove him from your life completely, he is a waste of your time. 2
Casablanca Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I wouldnt be okay with this if my gf did the same. Way over the line and beyond the, staying just friends with an ex; those who said they wanted him, he should have cut contact with 1
Author SerCay Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 I wouldnt be okay with this if my gf did the same. Way over the line and beyond the, staying just friends with an ex; those who said they wanted him, he should have cut contact with Thank you! It's also good to hear this from a guys' perspective!!
rubberduck Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I'm with casablanca on this one! I had this experience with one of my ex's, he wouldn't let me talk to his ex, or see his conversations because 'I wouldn't like the way they talk to each other'... I hated it and it made me so insecure! In the end I left him and haven't looked back 1
Author SerCay Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 Yeah you did the right thing by dropping him. He's mr "I hold the cards and no one controls me and I'll hold that against you if you try anything I don't like" guy. This is actually a tactic commonly used by men are emotionally abusive to their spouses. He's actually the one controlling you by trying to make it look like you are trying to control him. Basically like reverse psychology. This type of guy will never change. He'll always be the type of guy who will try to have tons of little hotties running around in circles for him and he won't be having any girlfriend who opposes this. He won't change for anyone and the sooner any woman who crosses his path realizes it, the better off they will be. Just leave him be. He'll wind up lonely watching porn every night because no woman other than one night stands will be able to handle his selfishness and inconsideration. He's not the relationship type of guy, and probably will never be married. Yess, I have to agree with you, he broke up with his ex girlfriend a couple of years ago because she was ''jealous of his girlfriends''. At that moment I thought ohh ow how stupid of her to be jealous at that, but later on I found out what was meant by girlfriends lol
RiverRunning Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 It always drives me nuts when people will refer to an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend as "my guy friend" or "my girl friend," etc. My ex was famous for referring to his ex-girlfriend as his "friend" - and I would correct him every time. No matter what, first and foremost, she would always be an ex-romantic partner to him and his ex-romantic partner to me - the 'friend' part would always be secondary, no matter what kind of picture he tried to paint of her. I also think it's incredibly deceptive to say to your partners. It's a lie by omission, and that's just not cool. If you feel you have to say, "My girl friends," rather than "my ex FWB/my ex-girlfriend," it's because you're hiding something most of the time. 1
TheSingleGuy Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I believe just having friends of the opposite sex is crossing the line. As a kid growing up, I don't remember my mom, either of my grandmas, any of my aunts or any of my mom's female friends having male friends who would call and talk and maintain any kind of relationship with these women at all. This was before cell phones and before the divorce rate was off the charts. Perhaps we should follow our parent's and grandparent's lead? I'll tell you what goes through my mind when I start dating a girl and the male "friend" pops up on the landscape. I start telling myself, just use her for sex for a while, cheat on her at every opportunity and then move on. That's what happens in my mind. I trust that male "friend" about as far as I can throw him. 1
d'Arthez Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I'll tell you what goes through my mind when I start dating a girl and the male "friend" pops up on the landscape. I start telling myself, just use her for sex for a while, cheat on her at every opportunity and then move on. That's what happens in my mind. I trust that male "friend" about as far as I can throw him. Really classy. Perhaps you should, just like your grandparents also give up on modern conveniences like the dishwasher, washing machine, the internet, your computer, etc., and join some kind of conservative community? 2
dasein Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Recent exes? keeping in contact? Of course that's over the line, few would fault you for not tolerating that. It's on him to shut down communication in a definitive way with women who aren't real friends. If he refuses, he doesn't respect you or the relationship. Same applies to women. Exes, f-buddies, flirtations, drinking buddies aren't "friends." Friends are people whose relationships take place on a totally nonsexual playing field, and have for years, maybe with some very mild flirtation from time to time, but not acting on it. All the others need to GO after exclusivity. 1
blasteroid Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Im a guy and still have contact with my ex over child access and THAT is bad enough...i wish I didnt have to have any. That guy shouldn't be doing that, and I've a feeling hes not telling you everything..get rid 1
Author SerCay Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 Recent exes? keeping in contact? Of course that's over the line, few would fault you for not tolerating that. It's on him to shut down communication in a definitive way with women who aren't real friends. If he refuses, he doesn't respect you or the relationship. Same applies to women. Exes, f-buddies, flirtations, drinking buddies aren't "friends." Friends are people whose relationships take place on a totally nonsexual playing field, and have for years, maybe with some very mild flirtation from time to time, but not acting on it. All the others need to GO after exclusivity. I wis he would have understood this! He told me he understands why I don't like it, but he enjoys talking to a lot of people without doing anything wrong, he said yesterday (topic came up again) if he would read back all his convo's he would conclude he isn't saying anything wrong! I can't wrap my mind around it. If he would have contact and allow to me his phone, okay, I might have believed him but his phone was always coded and hidden whenever he was with me. I'm not saying I love to snoop though, it's just a gesture of ''i have nothing to hide'' in this situation. My phone was always around and he was reading with me a lot of te times when I repliedto messages. See te contradiction? Why I refuse to believe him? Someone said in this thread he's an attention whore at best, I think that's what he is. I also think tbh that he has to be giving these girls some sort of hope..otherwise they wouldn't keep calling and keep messaging they miss him and sending him pictures..this behaviour is what I read yesterday called SHADY:p Good to hear I'm not a lunatic lolll
RiverRunning Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I believe just having friends of the opposite sex is crossing the line. As a kid growing up, I don't remember my mom, either of my grandmas, any of my aunts or any of my mom's female friends having male friends who would call and talk and maintain any kind of relationship with these women at all. This was before cell phones and before the divorce rate was off the charts. Perhaps we should follow our parent's and grandparent's lead? Ehh, to some extent I'll agree with you. I DO have male friends: however, one is 20+ years my senior and I met him when I was in my last relationship (my ex and I were friends with him). He is engaged to a woman significantly older than I am. People often mistake him for my dad when we hang out, and that's fine. I guess that's sort of more the friendly-type of relationship that we have. The other is my childhood friend who is gay, gay, gay. There's no possible way he'll ever get into a woman's underwear. I am always upfront and open about my friendship with him to other people. As it is, we usually see each other maybe a few times a month. He's also in a long-term relationship, never had -any- kind of relationship with women, etc. He's more akin to a brother just because we have known each other for so long. I knew he was gay when we were in high school. But I can say that every friendship I've attempted with a straight guy in my age range - whether he's single or not - has been completely bust. If they're straight and they want to be friends with you, I've found, 9 times out of 10 they want to bang you. Whether or not you're single. Sooner or later, their desires will outweigh their common sense and they'll end up crossing a line whether or not either or both of you are taken. Friendships like that need to be kept in check. But, I wouldn't entirely blame guys for passing on me because I have male friends. The only thing I can do is be upfront and honest as possible, no lies by omission, for sure. But I also couldn't blame a guy who comes onto the scene and wonders if the gay friend and I have ever done it during his experimental phase, etc. Sad thing is, some guys pretend to be okay with the gay friend. One of my exes was totally fine after I explained everything before we started dating. Then some months into dating, he's calling me 10 times in a row when he knows the gay friend is visiting. Then, eventually, he's accusing me of sleeping with gay friend because I wouldn't sleep with him (we were teenagers).
Author SerCay Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 But I can say that every friendship I've attempted with a straight guy in my age range - whether he's single or not - has been completely bust. If they're straight and they want to be friends with you, I've found, 9 times out of 10 they want to bang you. Whether or not you're single. Sooner or later, their desires will outweigh their common sense and they'll end up crossing a line whether or not either or both of you are taken. Friendships like that need to be kept in check. But, I wouldn't entirely blame guys for passing on me because I have male friends. The only thing I can do is be upfront and honest as possible, no lies by omission, for sure. Sad enough.. I have to agree with this to the fullest..This is why my ex didn't want me to hang out with guy-friends. He used to say he trusts me to the fullest, it's them he doesn't trust. To a certain degree I knews he was right. But yeah..here we are again...him not trusting my guy friends around me, was yet another reason for me not trusting him in talking to his ex flings turned female friends... His answer to that was he's a man, and if he doesn't want a girl he doesn't want her and there's nothing that can change that so there's no worries about is female friends since it didn't work out with them for the reason he didn't want them. So he can be friends. He said he needed me to trust him on that. HAHAHAHA what a joke
Keke1 Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Yea I have to agree. Most guys wont have it in them to straight tell u the deal. Im not cool with male female friendship past work or public type places. Do you honestly know how long a guy will wait for some pu$$?
Author SerCay Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 Yea I have to agree. Most guys wont have it in them to straight tell u the deal. Im not cool with male female friendship past work or public type places. Do you honestly know how long a guy will wait for some pu$$? sigh..hence my trust issue with my ex
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