jrh1524 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 So I've been going to church a lot more lately. The church I go to has a singles bilbe study which I've been attending. There's quite a few girls in there, and two of them really pique my interest. The group does things together like go to sports games, has lunch after church, Tuesday night coffee, etc. The two girls don't show up all that often to most of the get togethers. I invited both of them to be facebook buddies, and only one has accepted so far. I think I was able to talk to both girls in person pretty well, and kept things light and fun. I've been chatting a bit (maybe one or two very short messages so far) with the one girl that accepted me on facebook, no serious conversations yet, though. How's it going to be if I ask her to hang out just me and her and she turns me down? I'm thinking, worst case scenario, it's going to spread to the rest of the group that she turned me down and make things weird for me. I'm thinking of biding my time and doing more group activities and judging her level of interest before trying anything. Hopefully she shows up more often. Also, the Church is real big on preaching no sex before marriage. I agree with that in principal, but I just don't know if I can date someone for a year or so, then propose and not have sex before then. I like the church and all, and know the bible says sex before marriage is bad but I just don't know. I haven't really asked anyone, "hey, are you a virgin" so I don't really know if everyone is serious about it or not. Some background: I'm 32 and have never been married. The girl that accepted me on facebook is 22 and the one that didn't is 30.
Author jrh1524 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Has anyone else used the church as a source of dates?
InJest Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I'm not a virgin, and I didn't mean that as a demeaning question. It just changes the advice I would give you significantly. Anyway, the chance of rejection and everyone finding out is always present, whether you wait or not. I think you should ask her sooner rather than later. After all, that's really what the group is there for, isn't it? Christian singles meeting other Christian singles and possibly getting married or something?? I think you should establish your interest early before she sees you as just that guy in the church group. I don't like your chances with the age gap, but they definitely get worse the longer you wait. At your age, you're going to find it difficult to find a woman that wants to wait until marriage. If you've already had sex, then what the hell is the point in waiting until marriage? Well, you're going to church in the first place, so I guess logic isn't a strong suit of yours. Anyway, make a move soon.
SJC2008 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 (edited) Has anyone else used the church as a source of dates? My uncle keeps telling me to go to chruch to meet women. I do want to date a Christian becase if I have kids I want to raise them in the church. That being said, how the heck do you hollar at someone at church? I mean I'd feel so wrong about it and like you said I'd feel awkward if I got turned down. Don't worry about the chruch preaching no sex before marriage. It's not like the atendees are gonna do it. There is a chance though they may take it more slow which is fine with me. Edited May 10, 2012 by SJC2008 grammar
irc333 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 A lot of churches in my area don't have any "Singles" groups, in fact it's sometimes frowned upon or scoffed at when brought up as an idea.....mostly by already married women. lol That being said, they only way to approach a woman in church that you think is single is: 1. Hope she has an empty seat next to her, so you sit next to her. 2. When the services end, time yourself going to the door to the point where you're walking close enough her to engage her in conversation by asking, "So, what did you think of today's message/homily?" My uncle keeps telling me to go to chruch to meet women. I do want to date a Christian becase if I have kids I want to raise them in the church. That being said, how the heck do you hollar at someone at church? I mean I'd feel so wrong about it and like you said I'd feel awkward if I got turned down. Don't worry about the chruch preaching no sex before marriage. It's not like the atendees are gonna do it. There is a chance though they may take it more slow which is fine with me.
irc333 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Don't worry about the chruch preaching no sex before marriage. It's not like the atendees are gonna do it. There is a chance though they may take it more slow which is fine with me. Yeah, if there is a middle aged, dating couple going to the same church, ESP. if they're engaged, don't tell me they aren't foolin' around to a certain extent. Probably doing the "Everything but...."
wwwjd Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I'm not going specifically to meet women, but I like the idea of finding one there. Personally, I can't "hit on" or ask out a girl at church UNTIL I got to know her. Either in a group or casually over a number of weeks over cofee and donuts. Seems most churches have "Unofficial designated areas" where more singles sit than not, sometimes on the sides or near the back, but not always. Or the singles group has a regular section they sit in. The MEET AND GREET time during the service is a great time to get close to someone, let her smell your cologne, see your smile, shake your hand AND even make some small talk while trading names. There is a lot of great stuff at church from excellent live music to great mingling with nice like minded people. Sadly, many only hear the bad stuff about church.
InJest Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I've attended many a church, many a time. While I agree there are good things that come from it, I can confirm that all of the bad things are true.
Author jrh1524 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Oh, c'mon InJest... Are you going to Mosque or something? lol
Scottdmw Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I've done a lot of this, and it has worked for me in some cases. I would agree that you should make a move sooner rather than later. Basically, I use the same rule for interactions in any kind of group, church or not. Talk to the women. If you find an attractive woman who talks to you for 15 minutes or more at a time and seems happy and enthusiastic while she's doing it, ask her out casually and immediately. Just make sure that she gives you the 15 minutes of interest first, if she does she and others will probably consider it reasonable for you to ask her out. Women do expect a certain amount of being hit on and are okay with it, even disappointed if it doesn’t happen enough. There are a whole variety of church events too. Sometimes there are events between different churches or at other churches. There is something to be said for going to events at different churches, you meet more people and there is less awkwardness with the feeling that you have asked out too many girls in the same group. As far as sex goes, I would say a couple of things. First, in practice there is wide variation among churchgoing people on what they actually do. Second, if you actually succeed in finding a woman who really does wait for marriage, that can be a good thing even though it's hard. You know beyond a doubt from personal experience that she is serious about morality, and is much less likely to cheat on you later. Third and most importantly, try to understand WHY the Church teaches what it does. The idea is not to deprive or punish people. The idea is that sex is a powerful emotional and psychological force. The more you do it the more bonded you become with the other person, which is why breaking up can be so incredibly painful. Spend some time on the “breaking up” section of this page, and see how many people have literally spent years of their lives recovering from the pain of breakups. The Church is simply saying that you may be better off to avoid this risk as much as you can by saving sex as much as you can for marriage. Best of luck, Scott 4
InJest Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 A Mosque? No, it's pretty much the same to me. Same God, same prophets, same general ideas, same intolerance. I'm curious and eager to learn, with an open mind. Therefore, I'm agnostic and don't find security in taking other people's word on blind faith...particularly when it's full of contradiction. Your God is far from perfect, loving, or forgiving, and exhibits the worst qualities in human nature. Vanity, jealousy, wrath, terror.
KathyM Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Has anyone else used the church as a source of dates? I know several people who found their SO or spouse through the church or other religious venues. It's a good place to find people with similar values and ideology. In fact, I'm going to a wedding this summer of people who found each other through attending one of their church's small groups. I'd say, as far as the two women you mentioned, don't bother with the 22 year old. 10 years is too much of an age gap in a relationship. She is just starting adulthood, you are in your 30s. As far as the other woman, if she hasn't accepted you as a friend on FB, that means she's not interested, so don't pursue it further. Get to know other women in your church through other church activities. It is a very good place to find a mate. I know many who have found their SO through their church and other religious activities. In my church, there are tons of single women. It's a very large church. Good place to get to know them.
NeoGen85 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 You already made sin in your heart for lusting after a woman(aka having sex with her in your head). No worries, man. If you're looking for a Christian woman to form a family with in a Christian household it is "encourage" to date within the Church. Makes sense right? Spiritually you're not suppose to be unequally yoke if you believe in the Word. You have to understand that there's a difference between being religious and spiritual especially in these days regardless of your belief. I would like to say that real Christian women love to see men who are involved in their church. They like to see spiritual growth as well. And even though sex is only permitted during marriage, there's still a sexual attraction that they develop(it's still not an excuse to try and have sex with them). They like men who put their God first before anything else. And still, they like a man with personality. Becoming an alcoholic is horrible. But there's nothing wrong with drinking in moderation especially if you're a responsible adult. You know what they say about liquid courage? I know a few Christian women who like to go out, have a beer or two; and watch sports. They have their own interest in music which you might like. Just be yourself. They're still people; but they strive to be like Jesus Christ. With all that said.....women in general do like their privacy. So whatever happens is between you and her. Oh yeah, and God too.
SJC2008 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 . Either in a group or casually over a number of weeks over cofee and donuts. What about tea and strumpetts?? lol jk I actually had a girl literally slip me her number in church. I was a junior in high school.
wwwjd Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 A Mosque? No, it's pretty much the same to me. Same God, same prophets, same general ideas, same intolerance. I'm curious and eager to learn, with an open mind. Therefore, I'm agnostic and don't find security in taking other people's word on blind faith...particularly when it's full of contradiction. Your God is far from perfect, loving, or forgiving, and exhibits the worst qualities in human nature. Vanity, jealousy, wrath, terror. Just reading the words and stories is very different from living it. Sounds like you are merely reading.
Teknoe Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I actually went to church for the first time in my life 3 years ago. I came for a woman. Instead, I found God. No really, I did. I became a Christian (I was a casual Buddhist at the time). The 2nd sermon I ever heard in my life, I had an emotional response to the message, and I felt this hot sensation burning from head to toe. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, that was the Holy Spirit ministering to me. I eventually confessed my feelings to the girl I was interested in. No go. Received the "just a brother in Christ" talk. I tried again with another woman in the same church circle six months later, and she gave me the same talk. After that, things were different. The women treated me differently and I later found out they were talking about me behind my back. Needless to say I felt led to change churches as I was no longer growing spiritually at that church, and the fellowship changed once I became known as the guy who had already asked out two of the sisters. I could have gone away from Christianity, and God, but I really believe in Him. Thus, I'm still Christian today, and still regularly attending church and small groups despite being single and not knowing for sure whether I will ever marry or not. It's really not about me, though. God is not a genie or a vending machine. The more I make it about me, the bigger the mess things become. The more I make it about God first and foremost, the more I see Him at work in my life. It's kind of funny how that works out, but that's how it goes. We humans can easily get way too self-centered, and when we do, trouble arises. I believe in doing right, thinking right, living right, and the rest, it's out of your control. Let the chips fall where they may. Let God be God and you just bless His name in all circumstances, even the ones you don't like. One of my favorite verses from the Bible is Galatians 6:7-10 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. In other words, we can deceive people. But we can't deceive God. God knows our hearts. And we ought not to grow weary of doing the right thing. Whether a woman comes or not is not the ultimate end-all, be-all. Do right at all times, even when you don't see what you want. Some people only want to do XYZ if it guarantees a girlfriend coming their way. I don't think that's particularly healthy as the process in and of itself is valuable enough on its own. (i.e. making friends, volunteering, going to a Bible study, joining a gym, etc.) And I find the more you focus on blessing others, the more YOU get blessed. Those blessings just might not come in the ways you expect. Which is another thing that makes God so awesome. He'll surprise you... if you let Him, and if you truly open your heart up to Him as He prunes you and me through trials, blessings, other people He places in our lives and our everyday attitudes. It's beautiful! 5
Radu Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Main religion in my country and the one i am technically into [i don't believe in God but i didn't bother changing this with the officials], is Orthodox Christianity. We don't have bible studies groups, or the likes, usually there is just one sermon and that's that. I mentioned this because i don't know if these observations apply to your religion/society. Basically you can date or ask out women on dates from the ones that attend Church but it spreads like wildfire amongs them. It's something i noticed, if the girl you ask out is a regular or related to a regular, you will literally be shunned for life ... her reaction of you becomes their reaction of you, they make a common front against you, and then you have to deal with a lot of passive-agressive bull****. And once other ppl see their reaction to you, they will adopt that as well, mob mentality rules. The ones i'm talking about are a group of women who hang around and do certain duties for the church in question, like light cleaning, preparing candles, organizing stuff ... Incidently they are all old, and they all found God as they were nearing the grave. But they are also very very very catty, church is like their main social outlet, and if the girl's rejection gets to these, be damn sure that it spreads like cancer in metastasis. --- I would do it differently, i would first ask around about couples who found each other through church. That way you plant the seed in the mind of others, and then you proceed along. And whatever you do, you should play as nice as possible. Still, be prepared to be shunned because statistically, most relationships won't work. And if that catty mentality affects your ex, then the whole church knows and will start to treat you differently. On the other hand if you have something embarassing on her, she will probably not make waves.
FredRutherford Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 If you've already had sex, then what the hell is the point in waiting until marriage? Well, you're going to church in the first place, so I guess logic isn't a strong suit of yours. . Very classless and ignorant slam.
FredRutherford Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) Has anyone else used the church as a source of dates? Yes... I confess. But like some others posted, don't go to church for the sole purpose of finding a dating partner. Some background: I'm 32 and have never been married. The girl that accepted me on facebook is 22 and the one that didn't is 30.Personally, I'd stay away from young 20-somethings. Try to date women closer to your age, like 1-5 yrs. older. The younger women seem so ambivalent and will only frustrate you. So I've been going to church a lot more lately. The church I go to has a singles bilbe study which I've been attending. There's quite a few girls in there, and two of them really pique my interest. The group does things together like go to sports games, has lunch after church, Tuesday night coffee, etc. T More churches need to have such groups. When I was single in my mid-20s during the late 1980s, and when I got more serious about dating, I called some of the churches in my city to inquire if they had singles groups. The larger, more "mainstream" denominations are more likely to have singles groups and singles ministries. Didn't have much of a social circle outside of work and figured meeting more people at church might widen my group of friends. Basically you can date or ask out women on dates from the ones that attend Church but it spreads like wildfire amongs them. It's something i noticed, if the girl you ask out is a regular or related to a regular, you will literally be shunned for life ... her reaction of you becomes their reaction of you, they make a common front against you, and then you have to deal with a lot of passive-agressive bull****. And once other ppl see their reaction to you, they will adopt that as well, mob mentality rules. The only "problem" I can see in getting involved in such singles groups, if the relationship goes bad, you have to face the other person and that always isn't so comfortable. However, there are other church singles groups, so likely best to move on like I did (and another unlucky fellow who too got dumped by a woman in the group). However, casual dating usually won't produce bitter feelings after the breakup. Also, the Church is real big on preaching no sex before marriage. I agree with that in principal, but I just don't know if I can date someone for a year or so, then propose and not have sex before then. At a church singles group, met a 30 y.o. virgin ALMOST got engaged to when I was 26. Now, her sexual experience likely wasn't common knowledge and I never pressed her for sex, but she did bring it up and made it clear we weren't going to be having sex until marriage or engagement, which was fine by me (really). I like the church and all, and know the bible says sex before marriage is bad but I just don't know. I haven't really asked anyone, "hey, are you a virgin" so I don't really know if everyone is serious about it or not. Try not to focus on the sex. If one partner wants to wait, that's important and you must show your maturity by honoring her boundaries. You can discuss the issue and inquire what your sex life might be like once married.... Communication is always good. Believe me, at your age, you need to worry more about finding the right woman and not so much about having sex. Sexual pleasure is TEMPORARY. Finding your love is much more important. Truly, she's worth waiting for. Am talkin' experience here, as one who had sex "casually" and in a loving relationship. Edited May 22, 2012 by FredRutherford 1
SJC2008 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Does anyone know if there are statistics for divorce rates on people who waited until marriage for sex?? I'd condider it but a fear would be that the woman would not be too sexual and I wouln't want to wind up in a sexless marriage or with a woman who was ultra conservative. I'm not to hard to please, I'd be fine with 1-2 times a week, but from what I've read some men can't even get that in their marriages:mad: 1
FredRutherford Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Does anyone know if there are statistics for divorce rates on people who waited until marriage for sex?? I'd condider it but a fear would be that the woman would not be too sexual and I wouln't want to wind up in a sexless marriage or with a woman who was ultra conservative. Methinks that's a needless fear, SJC. Sex isn't rocket science. People figure it out pretty well. After all, my HS GF and I had no problem learning it... Would recommend discussing the topic if you get serious with a woman and it looks like the relationship is heading to marriage/ engagement. I'd be fine with 1-2 times a week, but from what I've read some men can't even get that in their marriages:mad: Sadly, that's true. However, having sex before marriage doesn't necessarily mean the two of you will enjoy great sex once married. It's not a guaranteer. Personally know of a guy who had lots of sex with his future bride. They dated long distance on weekends and had sex then. She showed no hesitancy once they started getting intimate 4 mos. into their relationship. So he had no reason to believe she wouldn't be as ready once married. Now, years later in their marriage, she's not as interested and it frustrates him.
Emilia Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Third and most importantly, try to understand WHY the Church teaches what it does. The idea is not to deprive or punish people. The idea is that sex is a powerful emotional and psychological force. The more you do it the more bonded you become with the other person, which is why breaking up can be so incredibly painful. Spend some time on the “breaking up” section of this page, and see how many people have literally spent years of their lives recovering from the pain of breakups. The Church is simply saying that you may be better off to avoid this risk as much as you can by saving sex as much as you can for marriage. Best of luck, Scott Aaaaah isn't it nice of the 'church' to spare you the pain as if you were some little child whose hand needs to be held rather than an adult who can make informed decisions for yourself. Aaaaah again. hahahaha what nonsense. Perhaps care to visit the marriage section here to see how many end up divorced?
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