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Met a girl I like, having all kinds of anxiety now about next steps


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Posted (edited)

A little about me:

 

45 male

Divorced

No Kids

Been dating a bit for the past 10+ months, nothing serious

 

I recently met a girl from an online dating service. We emailed back/forth for almost 2 weeks. Lots of flirting, lots of chemistry.

 

We met for 2-3 hours, then had a 2nd date about a week later that went very well. We got intimate, lots of kissing, clothes stayed on though!

 

We had a 3rd date about a week later that went well again, clothes still stayed on.

 

I share the clothes stayed on piece as it's been a pattern with me to get sexual very quick. So it started with her though we both put the brakes on.

 

She is in her early 40s, never married, engaged a few times, has a teenage daughter.

 

I cannot stop thinking about her. This is not normal for me and I have not felt this in a long time. I want to plan our next date, though I have not. She is heading out of town for a week and we left it at we want to see each other again, lets do so when she gets back. She is amazingly beautiful, funny, tells great stories, we have A LOT in common, I like her friends that I have met and we discovered we share some common friends. She comes across as the independent type, which I like.

 

I am feeling very anxious, thinking about her, analyzing everything, wanted to see her, wanting to call her...all of this is not too normal for me in the past 10+ months as I have not met anyone who has caught my attention like this. This girl has wowed me.

 

I am playing it cool. No calls, an occassional fun text 2-3 times a day. She replies though I find myself feeling insecure "waiting" for her reply. Sometime I do not reply to hers for a while to work thru my insecurity.

 

I think she is recently out of a relationship..broke up 3-4 months ago I think.

 

I am concerned I could be a rebound for her as she has said a couple of times this is new to her.

 

I am feeling clingy and needy. I am working thru it though it's tough. I am wondering if she wants more right now and if I am playing it too cool.

 

I know I am wandering a bit here.....just looking for some feedback from others who have been where I am before.

 

 

Thanks!

Edited by Babolat
Posted

Ignore the troll Op. I'll belittle him later when I have more time. That aside, I think you're doing a good job keeping your emotions in check. Why this particular woman is making you behave this way compared to the previous ten months of dates could get pretty deep. Maybe your being 45 has a bit to do with it. Then again, ehe sounds like great catch for you so far. Just try and enjoy things for what they are for the time being. I know that sounds easier said than done. But realize you're still getting to know her and she isn't likely to be perfect. I can guarantee at sometime someone has been sick of her shyt.

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Posted
Ones you develop feelings for a shallow female, you lose bro.

 

The one who cares less wins and as of now bro, she is winning.

 

You are 45 yet act like you are 18 and in love. WAKE UP MAN!

 

Stop being insecure and needy, she will run for the hills, since she is independent.

 

Take it very slow and casual, let her come to you.

 

Enjoy your life, play games, smoke weed, get drunk, but don't think of her all day long, not healthy.

 

Thanks and I agree. And I know it's not healthy, which is why I posted.

 

I am going slow and I am letting her come to me..it takes work though for me to do this. I have played the "game" with others over the past year, and yes, it works, make them come to you, ignore their texts/emails/calls for a day or so, don't come across as needing them and all that..yes, it works well. I am not a player though I tried and it works. I was not that into them though or knew it was not a long term thing.

 

This one though, if I play the "game" I may miss. Make sense? I do not want to see her as a win or not win. Or, maybe you are right, you have to play the game even with the one you have a connection with?

  • Author
Posted
Ignore the troll Op. I'll belittle him later when I have more time. That aside, I think you're doing a good job keeping your emotions in check. Why this particular woman is making you behave this way compared to the previous ten months of dates could get pretty deep. Maybe your being 45 has a bit to do with it. Then again, ehe sounds like great catch for you so far. Just try and enjoy things for what they are for the time being. I know that sounds easier said than done. But realize you're still getting to know her and she isn't likely to be perfect. I can guarantee at sometime someone has been sick of her shyt.

 

Your 45 age comment is something I have thought about. I have had some long term relationships (2 to be exact), I have had this feeling before with 1-2 girls, where I did not keep myself in check and I am pretty sure I came across as needy/clingy.

 

I have learned from those experiences, read books, studied, try different approaches, and feel I am keeping myself in check with her. I do nto want to "outplay" this though, if that makes sense.

 

And you are right, she is not perfect, and I have seen a few things that would have been red flags for me in the past with other woman. Now though I look at them as her not being perfect and I am OK with them. I focus on the qualities I do like.

  • Author
Posted
You always have to play the game, because if you don't and ease up a bit, she will leave or get bored. A closed safe is more interesting than an open one.

 

Never give 100% to a woman, have at least 1% always hidden, so she has something to work for.

 

You will do fine, just don't put this girl on a pedestal.

 

Don't mind sid3 he is a true troll who has nothing better to do then belittle EPIC people like my self.

 

The pedestal comment is something I always do when I really dig someone, and I use that exact word. I know exactly what you mean...and just hearing you re-state it has helped me...thanks.

Posted

 

 

 

Don't mind sid3 he is a true troll who has nothing better to do then belittle EPIC people like my self.

 

Hahaha. You're still my BFF!!! Who has taught you the most, that's right, Sid has. I can tell you are learning. I'm pretty sure we can turn that trainwreck life of your's around. Epic Failure NO MORE!!

Posted
Thanks and I agree. And I know it's not healthy, which is why I posted.

 

I am going slow and I am letting her come to me..it takes work though for me to do this. I have played the "game" with others over the past year, and yes, it works, make them come to you, ignore their texts/emails/calls for a day or so, don't come across as needing them and all that..yes, it works well. I am not a player though I tried and it works. I was not that into them though or knew it was not a long term thing.

 

This one though, if I play the "game" I may miss. Make sense? I do not want to see her as a win or not win. Or, maybe you are right, you have to play the game even with the one you have a connection with?

 

I think the problem with you is the same problem i had with my last gf which probably contributed to the breakup as well as me being blind to all the red flags. I can tell aready your scared your gunna loose her. You gotta get that out your mind right now and just not worry about that. If it works out great and if it doesn't then who cares. Shes just a human being like everyone else.

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Posted (edited)

A twist to this is while this girl and I were emailing (we had not met yet), through a social event with friends I met a girl. We talked for a bit, good conversation, definite physical attraction. We met again, in a social seeting with friends, a week later, again good conversation, definite attraction.

 

We have been texting a little bit since. Maybe every 2-3 days, quick texts.

 

She made it clear to me in her own kind of way she wanted to go out with me in one of her last texts. I have not asked her out because of this current girl. My friends did go out with her and her friend this weekend, and my name came up a few times. My friends state she is definitely interested in me.

 

I have never been able to date 1+ woman at the same time. My friends tell me there is no comittment or exclusiveness with the current girl, that i should go out with this girl and see how it goes. Knowing my luck I will run into the other girl, or one of her friends, while out.

 

I want to ask her out, yet I know how I am feeling about the first girl. I am asking myself if I should see where the first girl "is" at this point with us. I think she is feeling the same as I. If she is, I would not go out with this second girl, other than as friends. I hesitate to ask her though as it could come across as needy, clingy, too rushed. Yet knowing would clear my mind.

Edited by Babolat
  • Author
Posted
I think the problem with you is the same problem i had with my last gf which probably contributed to the breakup as well as me being blind to all the red flags. I can tell aready your scared your gunna loose her. You gotta get that out your mind right now and just not worry about that. If it works out great and if it doesn't then who cares. Shes just a human being like everyone else.

 

Yeah, thinking about it you may be right. I do feel scared....though it's only when we are apart and I start thinking.

Posted
Yeah, thinking about it you may be right. I do feel scared....though it's only when we are apart and I start thinking.

 

 

Exactly, your fear is that its not gunna workout and develop into a relationship. Unfortunately you can"t force that stuff and like others have said if the girl feels forced or pressured in anyway she may bolt. This can also lead to you coming off as being desperate or clingy. Especially if shes the independant type of girl. Basically just stay chill and mellow and if she wants you she'll be there. My previous relationship was like this as nothing was forced by either side and things just clicked between us. I think my problem was that with my last gf I wanted to be in relationship again soo badly that I overlooked all the bad signs and tryed too hard and before I knew it 6 months later it was over. Looking back now I should of ended it alot sooner with her as it would of caused me alot less stress. So just be careful and don"t have blinders on if you sense weird vibes or red flags.

  • Author
Posted
Exactly, your fear is that its not gunna workout and develop into a relationship. Unfortunately you can"t force that stuff and like others have said if the girl feels forced or pressured in anyway she may bolt. This can also lead to you coming off as being desperate or clingy. Especially if shes the independant type of girl. Basically just stay chill and mellow and if she wants you she'll be there. My previous relationship was like this as nothing was forced by either side and things just clicked between us. I think my problem was that with my last gf I wanted to be in relationship again soo badly that I overlooked all the bad signs and tryed too hard and before I knew it 6 months later it was over. Looking back now I should of ended it alot sooner with her as it would of caused me alot less stress. So just be careful and don"t have blinders on if you sense weird vibes or red flags.

 

Well said...sounds like you and I have had similar experiences.

 

My recent dating experience has been meeting girls who make it obvious to me they dig me, they are assertive, they want to see me all the time, I kind of like them and just go with it, seeing the red flags and hoping they will go away, until I am so anxious and stressed I need to end it. Usually lasts about a month.

 

This current girl is sooooo different, which is sooo attractive to me. I am being very chill, very cool and taking it easy. It's difficult as I am use to the above girls.

 

My one concern is I get too chill, too easy, such that she thinks I am not that interested. For example, she is out of town right now with family so I stopped texting her.

 

I want to ask her more and more questions about her life story, her current life, so I get to know her better. Yet I am cautious to as it may come across as getting too close too soon to her. She has asked me some "life" questions and I have asked her a few. I find myself wanting to know more about her though.

 

The pace of this one is a bit confusing to me.

Posted
Well said...sounds like you and I have had similar experiences.

 

My recent dating experience has been meeting girls who make it obvious to me they dig me, they are assertive, they want to see me all the time, I kind of like them and just go with it, seeing the red flags and hoping they will go away, until I am so anxious and stressed I need to end it. Usually lasts about a month.

 

This current girl is sooooo different, which is sooo attractive to me. I am being very chill, very cool and taking it easy. It's difficult as I am use to the above girls.

 

My one concern is I get too chill, too easy, such that she thinks I am not that interested. For example, she is out of town right now with family so I stopped texting her.

 

I want to ask her more and more questions about her life story, her current life, so I get to know her better. Yet I am cautious to as it may come across as getting too close too soon to her. She has asked me some "life" questions and I have asked her a few. I find myself wanting to know more about her though.

 

The pace of this one is a bit confusing to me.

 

Listen you seem like your on the right track just don't get too involved too soon. For example you say shes away ok thats fine. Maybe txt her once and say when she gets back you guys go to dinner or if the weather is nice have picnic which is great and you guys can get to know eachother somemore. That way its more fun instead of you texting back in forth. Thas why I hate the way technology has effected dating because everyone is so hungup on it. And most relationship end via texting also. atleast mine did anyway lol.

  • Author
Posted (edited)
Listen you seem like your on the right track just don't get too involved too soon. For example you say shes away ok thats fine. Maybe txt her once and say when she gets back you guys go to dinner or if the weather is nice have picnic which is great and you guys can get to know eachother somemore. That way its more fun instead of you texting back in forth. Thas why I hate the way technology has effected dating because everyone is so hungup on it. And most relationship end via texting also. atleast mine did anyway lol.

 

She actually texted me while away to pick a day & time for our next date, which we did, no more texting since.

 

What's not natural for me is not "knowing" at this stage where we are. I do not with her. For example, I met a girl twice, in a group social setting, before meeting her. We exchanged a few texts. I have since found out from a good friend, who went out with one her friends this week, that she is into me and wants to go out with me. I kind of got that impression from her texts. So, do I? I mean the girl I talk about in this post, I have no idea if she is dating other men...we have not had that talk. In past relationships I just knew...usually because they went so fast and the woman were assertive. Though knowing me I cannot emotionally go out with someone else right now. Some of my friends tell me I am crazy..the 2nd girl is super cool, super attractive and why would I not go out with her?

 

I agree with your texting comment. Texting has changed dating, at least for us "old" folks!

Edited by Babolat
Posted
She actually texted me while away to pick a day & time for our next date, which we did, no more texting since.

 

What's not natural for me is not "knowing" at this stage where we are. I do not with her. For example, I met a girl twice, in a group social setting, before meeting her. We exchanged a few texts. I have since found out from a good friend, who went out with one her friends this week, that she is into me and wants to go out with me. I kind of got that impression from her texts. So, do I? I mean the girl I talk about in this post, I have no idea if she is dating other men...we have not had that talk. In past relationships I just knew...usually because they went so fast and the woman were assertive. Though knowing me I cannot emotionally go out with someone else right now. Some of my friends tell me I am crazy..the 2nd girl is super cool, super attractive and why would I not go out with her?

 

I agree with your texting comment. Texting has changed dating, at least for us "old" folks!

 

Honestly the first girl you mentioned until she flat out tells you she wants to be exclusive with you just play that situation by ear and yes by all means start talking to the other girl life is too short to worry about one person. This will also give you more confidence atleast it would for me anyway lol. I find women from my experiences would always let me know right away if they were into me and it would progess from there. sometimes it would last longer than others with my longest relationship being almost 6 years and my recent only being 6 months. However if shes wishy washy right off the bat chances are shes playing games which at this stage of your life you don't want and need for that matter, which is why things ended the way they did in my last relationship wayy too many games and I got frustrated. It only lasted as long as it did because of my want to having a relationship which was a mistake by my part because you don't need anybody to make ya happy.

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Posted

4th date last night in a little over a month. We were both nervous\anxious until we saw each other. I could see it in her as soon as I saw her. It's attractive to me. Hearing her voice again, seeing her smile, seeing her eyes, hearing her laugh...wow!l

 

I dig this girl. We "turned a corner" last night as we talked about how we are both feeling. Lots of intimacy, still no sex. We both agreed, again, we want to wait on that.

 

Playing it cool has made this an interesting and rewarding time for me. She actually thanked me for not contacting her while she was away with her family. You folks here helped me with that! Thanks! It took a lot of strength and trust for me to do that. And it paid off as I feel even closer to her, and her to me.

 

She talked more about her past, her family, etc. I did too. She asks great questions and makes me think. I still feel myself not letting go 100%. I am honest with her though. I am cautious with what I say still though the emotions are getting stronger.

 

I see some red flags..she is not perfect. I am trying to look at these a little different than I have in previous relationships. Rather than run I am trying to accept her for who she is, and let things continue for a while and see where it goes. The red flags are probably more light pink small flags...not deal breakers. She is an independent free spirit while I am more conservative. I am attracted to her spirit as I do have a side to me that can and wants to let lose at times.

 

OK, just wanted to give an update. I had some of my "cold" feelings this morning though they quickly went away as I "talked" back to them.

 

Thanks for all the great feedback hear..it's helped!

Posted
4th date last night in a little over a month. We were both nervous\anxious until we saw each other. I could see it in her as soon as I saw her. It's attractive to me. Hearing her voice again, seeing her smile, seeing her eyes, hearing her laugh...wow!l

 

I dig this girl. We "turned a corner" last night as we talked about how we are both feeling. Lots of intimacy, still no sex. We both agreed, again, we want to wait on that.

 

Playing it cool has made this an interesting and rewarding time for me. She actually thanked me for not contacting her while she was away with her family. You folks here helped me with that! Thanks! It took a lot of strength and trust for me to do that. And it paid off as I feel even closer to her, and her to me.

 

She talked more about her past, her family, etc. I did too. She asks great questions and makes me think. I still feel myself not letting go 100%. I am honest with her though. I am cautious with what I say still though the emotions are getting stronger.

 

I see some red flags..she is not perfect. I am trying to look at these a little different than I have in previous relationships. Rather than run I am trying to accept her for who she is, and let things continue for a while and see where it goes. The red flags are probably more light pink small flags...not deal breakers. She is an independent free spirit while I am more conservative. I am attracted to her spirit as I do have a side to me that can and wants to let lose at times.

 

OK, just wanted to give an update. I had some of my "cold" feelings this morning though they quickly went away as I "talked" back to them.

 

Thanks for all the great feedback hear..it's helped!

 

Good for you, man :)

 

When you can overlook a person's flaws, and accept them for who they are, I would say that's falling in love.

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Posted
Good for you, man :)

 

When you can overlook a person's flaws, and accept them for who they are, I would say that's falling in love.

 

 

It's early still, I know that. This is the first time in my life where I am trying to go slow..trying to keep my emotions/feelings in check. It's hard work! I am going on faith and trust.

 

I can see the same in her. I am also talking back when I feel cold, or distant when we are not together. My biggest challenges com when we are not together..I start to think and over analyze.

 

I have a history of feeling cold and distant and overanalyzing those feelings. Now, I think I get it, it's partly my not being emotionally available and pushing myself away. It's time to change if I ever want to be in a loving relationship..and I want to change.

 

Again, the support here has been wonderful and I need it.

  • 4 weeks later...
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Posted

Update: Things are going well. I have my usual anxiety, though not as bad with her as it has been with others in the past. There is definitely something a little bit different about her. For one she is open and talks, which makes me feel comfortable being more open and talking.

We can spend hours and hours just talking and laughing.

 

We have been sexual, though I am happy to say it was after 6+ dates.

 

We had the "are we dating" exclusively talk this weekend, and we both agreed we are.

 

I have my cold moments, though I am looking at them differently; realizing it's me, not her, and I work thru them. I enjoy her company and enjoy spending time with her.

 

We shall see.

Posted

Good for you, man.

It sounds like you've done the right thing...taking it sloooow. A quality woman will appreciate you a lot more for this.

I know that anxiety you feel. It comes from a feeling of "I must move quickly, or I will lose her. She'll start seeing someone else, or think I am not interested". It's hard to fight, especially where you really like a woman, but you must. Sounds like you're doing it right!

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