A Mother's Telling Sign

[H0peless]

My boyfriend has pretty severe insecurity and jealousy issues. He has admitted this. It's caused a tremendous amount of issues since we have been together over the past year and I'm not sure how much farther the relationship will go because of these issues.

 

Anyway, the other day my boyfriend, his mother and I were chit chatting, and I'm not sure how it even came up but we started talking about my boyfriend's admitted jealousy issues.

 

Mind you, his mother and father divorced after 20-some years of marriage (His father became somewhat of a pill head... blew a lot of their retirement $ on prescription drugs and such I guess)...

 

And while we were talking, she made a comment something to the effect of "I don't understand why you are so jealous. I always had the thought that, hey, if your dad wanted to cheat on me, whatever. If that's what he wanted to do than he wouldn't want to be with me." Basically saying if her (now ex-husband) had wanted to cheat than she wouldn't be with him so if he did it would prove that.

 

 

Maybe I'm crazy, but when I was with my ex-boyfriend of 3 years... we had an insane bond, a true friendship, extreme trust and it was a known FACT that neither of us would or could ever cheat on one another...

 

When his mother said that it struck me kind of funny I guess. Like, we're talking about your son's jealousy issues here lady. Shouldn't you be explaining to him that in a HEALTHY, HAPPY relationship with trust there's not even the QUESTION of cheating on one another???

 

Instead she basically says, "Hey if your dad was ever going to cheat on me it'd be whatever. I'd move on." uhhhhh??

 

Am I making sense to anyone? I never saw his mother and father together before they got divorced but I'm almost wondering if his parent's relationship somewhat influenced the way he is in his relationships??

[TigerCub]

Maybe its more that she's trying to show him her take on the reality of cheating.

Not every couple will go through issues of infidelity, BUT, it does happen and maybe what she was trying to do is say to him that if its going to happen, it will and that person wouldn't be worth his time, and that he would still be ok and move on.

 

Sure, she could have said that in a healthy and loving relationship, being jealous shouldn't be an issue, but the truth of the matter is, that cheating happens in relationships that sometimes the person that gets cheated on perceived as healthy and loving - and that's why the discovery of cheating, often comes as a shock to people.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with what she said. Its better to talk realistically than to paint a Disney version of relationships in her son's mind.

[Professor X]

I don't see how her statement questions the trust in a bond? It's more of, hey, if he wants to cheat go a head, I don't mind, I'll just move on.

Which is completely legit IMO.

[Ninjainpajamas]

She's just being realistic, It's a choice people are going to have at some point in their relationship. Something that seems to elude you.

 

You have this air about you, that naivety in denial type "faith" in knowing more than you actually know. Kinda like how religious people say "everything will work, it's in gods hands" except its like "I love X guy so much, I'm sure everything will work out in the end". Except when you ask them to put the facts together or explain why they think the way they do they use tangible "facts" to support their argument which have more holes in them than a bums undies.

 

It's nice that you're all hopeful but you've also got to use your head at the same time, or you're going to prevent yourself from seeing the reality of the situation...or maybe that's the point in refusing?

Maybe I'm crazy, but when I was with my ex-boyfriend of 3 years... we had an insane bond, a true friendship, extreme trust and it was a known FACT that neither of us would or could ever cheat on one another...

 

This right here tells me A LOT, and that you are too crazy, too immature, too trusting, too giving, too understanding, too tolerant...why? because although a normal person could understand these qualities and value them, they wouldn't or shouldn't go so far as saying "FACT" because you have no idea what obstacles you will face in the future what that other person is thinking or how they feel...you assume you know it all, almost like you want it so badly that you want to force it, you want to prove a point that no matter what without a doubt this person would never wrong me and surely felt this way...you put words in other peoples mouths or when they say something you want to hear its like gold to you, and the things you don't want to hear you likely shut out.

 

It's a weird dynamic that to me reflects on your own insecurities, I could imagine the things you believe in that in other peoples eyes are a completely different reality...but then again nobody knows what you feel or have....right? So they say...so they always say.

 

One day you're going to have to accept realities that you always turn your back to, and I just hope that It all doesn't come crashing down at that point for you. One day you'll have to grow up.

 

I know I'm making a lot of assessment based off very little, but just your whole post reeks of a certain quality to me that is predictable and unaware.

[Quiet Storm]

His mom is just being realistic. More people need realistic moms, instead of the moms that say "You are great and wonderful and you will meet a great and wonderful person and live happily ever after". It sets up false expectations, which bring huge let downs when reality smacks you in the face.

 

If a person in a relationship is cheating, it is more reflective of the character of that particular person (the cheater), than the status of the relationship.

 

So the mother is bascially telling her son, if you get cheated on, it means there is something wrong with the cheater. Not you. It means that this is not the person that you should spend your life with. It means they have issues, and the best thing to do is move on.

 

There are many people that feel they have an amazing connection with a person, feel totally in love, and still get cheated on. Because it's not about the connection in the relationship, it's about the cheater and how they handle stress and conflict. It could be a man that values his partner and relationship but still craves variety. Or a stressed and overwhelmed person that is using an affair as an "escape". Many couples experience infidelity, and many of the betrayed were under the impression that their relationship was solid.

 

I have a teenage son that is starting to date, and I don't give him fairy tale versions of love because it isn't realistic. He has a good relationship model from my husband and I, but there are so many emotionally unhealthy people in this world, he is bound to run into them and I want him to be able to spot the signs so that he can make rational choices. You can't control others, only yourself.

 

In your boyfriends case, many insecure and jealous people expect others to alter their behavior, to alleviate their anxiety. For example, you may get invited to go out with a friend, and find yourself making excuses because you want to avoid his reaction. Do not allow his jealously to alter your plans because it will snowball and before you know it he will try to control your every move. These are his issues, not yours. It sounds like he is owning his behavior, but what is he doing about it? Make sure he doens't expect YOU to change because of HIS issues.

 

His mom was trying to tell him that there is no point in worrying over something that hasn't happened yet. And she is right. Instead of spending his time worrying, being jealous and trying to control what you do, he needs to realize that what you do is not and never will be in his control. What he does have control over is himself. He will never be able to control whether you cheat or not, but he can control his reaction to it. You can never prevent yourself from being cheated on, all you can do is leave the cheater. His mom is 100% right about that.

[ascendotum]

I agree with QS post, but just wanted to add OP..having an 'insane bond'of 3 yrs is one thing, lets see how you go having an insane bond after 24 yrs of marriage. The mother is just being realistic.

[ditzchic]

She's just being honest. If you make "the bond" between two people some magical, mythical thing when something bad happens it's easy to feel like you've failed at it. When in all honesty, the special bond between two people is a great thing but there are times in a healthy functional relationship when that bond is stronger than other times. Anything can happen at anytime.

 

The mother is being realistic. People have choices. You can choose to be with someone through thick and thin or you can choose to give into temptation (which will happen no matter how strong your bond is). It's better to see it for what it is. If the positives of our relationship and our bond outweigh the positives of following your dick to greener pastures. Then we have the stuff dreams are made of. If you would rather get it sticky with some other woman, then we aren't meant to be. You have to be secure in yourself that you have enough that your man will make the right choice for the relationship. When you don't think you are worthy of that choice is when the problems start.

[Almond_Joy]

My boyfriend has pretty severe insecurity and jealousy issues. He has admitted this. It's caused a tremendous amount of issues since we have been together over the past year and I'm not sure how much farther the relationship will go because of these issues.

 

Anyway, the other day my boyfriend, his mother and I were chit chatting, and I'm not sure how it even came up but we started talking about my boyfriend's admitted jealousy issues.

 

Mind you, his mother and father divorced after 20-some years of marriage (His father became somewhat of a pill head... blew a lot of their retirement $ on prescription drugs and such I guess)...

 

And while we were talking, she made a comment something to the effect of "I don't understand why you are so jealous. I always had the thought that, hey, if your dad wanted to cheat on me, whatever. If that's what he wanted to do than he wouldn't want to be with me." Basically saying if her (now ex-husband) had wanted to cheat than she wouldn't be with him so if he did it would prove that.

 

This was a really strange way for her to say that life goes on if your loved one cheats on you. It is the truth....it just sounds a bit ambivalent/callous. QS's elaboration on her statement was much better.

 

Based on your other post, your bf needs to learn to trust a little more, and not expect that you're out to intentionally screw him over or hurt him. I think that's the message your bf needs to hear. It would have been nice for his mom to add that message to what she was saying.

 

But no, I don't think his mom was at fault for telling the truth.