sqlqueen Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Hi guys! New here, but hoping you can help me. Last night, I found out my boyfriend had been talking to a friend of his about how he wasn't sure if he saw "long term romantic potential" with me. I asked him about it, and his answers have left me quite shaken. A little background: I and my bf have been dating since September (6-7 months.) We originally started out as friends-with-benefits. He knew I wanted more, but I never pushed, and he spontaneously decided to start dating me. My bf is 30 years old. I am his first legitimate relationship. He dated a girl back in college for 6 months, but in his words it was "mostly to see if I could." He has had a long string of one night stands and hook-ups, but decided to be monogamous with me. For the most part, I think our relationship has been spectacular. We always have a lot of fun together, the sex is really good, I get along with all of his friends (almost all of them have told me they love us together), etc. From my perspective, the relationship feels comfortable and easy, which is a big change from the drama-ridden relationships I've had in the past. We've had a few fights, but its very respectful, there isn't any yelling and we seem to communicate well. In the last few weeks, however, my bf has apparently been thinking that he isn't sure he sees himself dating me in the future. He stressed that there was nothing wrong with me... by all accounts, anyone in his position would be ecstatic with our relationship. He didn't talk to me directly about it because he says he feels very conflicted. For the past few months, he's been very, very stressed with his job, to the point of making himself physically ill. He has a history of depression, and doesn't seem to handle stress well. He is looking for a new job, and he wanted to get a new job first and see how he feels about the relationship.. to make sure that he isn't taking the stress of the job out on us. He even said that without my support, he would have felt completely lost... that I saved him quite a few times from how badly this job gets him down. In the meantime, he really wants us to just act normally. He's even pushing me to hang out with his friends with/without him. He says that he really just wants to focus on a new job, and bounce his feelings off a couple of friends, before he does anything rash. I don't know how I feel. I really like him a lot, but the uncertainty is killing me. Especially since it seems I can't do anything to change it, since there's nothing that I'm doing that's wrong. If there's a chance of us coming through this, I'd really like to try.... But how do you show someone you're a good long term partner? It also just strikes me as weird... I've never had that conversation before the Year Mark, as I think the first year should just be fun and seeing if you're a good match in general. My question is, what do you think of all that? Should I take a pre-emptive strike and break up with him? How do I deal with "being normal" when it's so uncertain? Does this situation sound hopeless?
Lobouspo Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Given his track record with relationships at his age, (or lack there of) commitment issues perhaps?....Give him a few days to figure out what he wants, if he is still stringing you along bail ASAP. You guys have been dating long enough for him to know if you are keeper material or not.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Hi guys! New here, but hoping you can help me. Last night, I found out my boyfriend had been talking to a friend of his about how he wasn't sure if he saw "long term romantic potential" with me. I asked him about it, and his answers have left me quite shaken. A little background: I and my bf have been dating since September (6-7 months.) We originally started out as friends-with-benefits. He knew I wanted more, but I never pushed, and he spontaneously decided to start dating me. My bf is 30 years old. I am his first legitimate relationship. He dated a girl back in college for 6 months, but in his words it was "mostly to see if I could." He has had a long string of one night stands and hook-ups, but decided to be monogamous with me. This is really the only relevant part of this post from a mans point of view. This basically says it all and really just makes the rest of this irrelevant because we know what this means in man talk. There is no potential for you, he's not the kind of guy that wants a relationship. You were merely a puppet to practice and get a taste for some monogamy and companionship in his life, he probably needed a companion at the time, that's usually when guys like that do this anyway, however his reason could be different. It doesn't really matter. The fact that he chose monogamy with you is really not charming in any way, so I hope you're not viewing it that way...I think he saw some nice qualities in you (all of us men do) but It doesn't men omg you're the one on the emotional level whatsoever, that's a whole different ballgame and when we do feel that way that's when everything changes and you cannot create that. For the most part, I think our relationship has been spectacular. We always have a lot of fun together, the sex is really good, I get along with all of his friends (almost all of them have told me they love us together), etc. From my perspective, the relationship feels comfortable and easy, which is a big change from the drama-ridden relationships I've had in the past. We've had a few fights, but its very respectful, there isn't any yelling and we seem to communicate well. Again, irrelevant, this is how you feel...how he feels you've either been delusional or not cared to communicate the most important factor "how he feels for you" In the last few weeks, however, my bf has apparently been thinking that he isn't sure he sees himself dating me in the future. He stressed that there was nothing wrong with me... by all accounts, anyone in his position would be ecstatic with our relationship. He's starting to contemplate ending this, this stressing him out of how he's going to let you down and push you away or at least get out of this relationship status type relationship. The rest is just "feel-good" type words, If you want to believe it that's fine but that's what guys say. He didn't talk to me directly about it because he says he feels very conflicted. For the past few months, he's been very, very stressed with his job, to the point of making himself physically ill. He has a history of depression, and doesn't seem to handle stress well. He is looking for a new job, and he wanted to get a new job first and see how he feels about the relationship.. to make sure that he isn't taking the stress of the job out on us. He even said that without my support, he would have felt completely lost... that I saved him quite a few times from how badly this job gets him down. You know how when a person wants to do something but they're worried about what someone else to think so they come up with all these reasons to justify why they're doing what they're doing even though it seems a little "crazy". This is kind of the same process but he's trying to do damage control and come up with all these excuses and reasons that It isn't you and that's it's some outside influence....realistically no one is going to "break-up" with someone because of a job or another life issue, If they really love you and want to be with you then don't you think that's when they need you the most? don't be naive. In the meantime, he really wants us to just act normally. He's even pushing me to hang out with his friends with/without him. He says that he really just wants to focus on a new job, and bounce his feelings off a couple of friends, before he does anything rash. He doesn't want to cause a major rift, he's trying to get you back into your own routine. Partly because he's tired of hanging out with you and also because it's part of the pushing away process. He's trying to reset everything back to the way it was but he's not an idiot, he knows what he wants he's playing out this whole game so you'll feel better about him letting you down. I don't know how I feel. I really like him a lot, but the uncertainty is killing me. Especially since it seems I can't do anything to change it, since there's nothing that I'm doing that's wrong. If there's a chance of us coming through this, I'd really like to try.... But how do you show someone you're a good long term partner? It also just strikes me as weird... I've never had that conversation before the Year Mark, as I think the first year should just be fun and seeing if you're a good match in general. You can't do anything to change It unless you can turn yourself into the right girl for him or be a FWB so he can bang other chicks and get back to his independent life that he misses. It doesn't matter that you're a "good long term partner" because he's not interested in that, he doesn't want long term, and you think the first year should just be fun? ha! you're for a world of hurt with men If you keep living by that motto, probably one of those most foolish things you can possibly do, you need to press the man early on and find out what he's all about or you'll find yourself in these shoes a lot. Because a lot of men have no problem using you and stringing you along, and because of your emotions..you make it easy as pie because of "hope". Hope is for Disneyland, not for relationships. My question is, what do you think of all that? Should I take a pre-emptive strike and break up with him? How do I deal with "being normal" when it's so uncertain? Does this situation sound hopeless? Couldn't make it any more clear than I already have. I'm sure you want to believe he appreciates you and cares for you more than I'm saying, you'd rather hang onto those sweet nothings he's told you or how he makes you feel. The problem is you don't see that it's all created in your own mind and emotions, for him It was a completely different picture than what you're seeing and feeling, which is why he's about to break up with you. He wants you to be normal for his sake, not yours, he wants you to walk away with a smile on your face, cherishing the experience and chalking up the end of the relationship to some stupid excuses that you know aren't true but you want to believe so you don't feel like he never felt anything strongly for you. But this is as generic of a relationship as they come, this is what men do, this is what people do and the situation is hopeless. But go ahead, hang on for as long as you can, he'll just use you up until the last possibly moment...until he just can't take it anymore. Hate to be the one to tell you all of this, but that's the plain truth...I don't spend a lot of time buttering it up sorry 1
verhrzn Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 There is no potential for you, he's not the kind of guy that wants a relationship. You were merely a puppet to practice and get a taste for some monogamy and companionship in his life, he probably needed a companion at the time, that's usually when guys like that do this anyway, however his reason could be different. It doesn't really matter. The fact that he chose monogamy with you is really not charming in any way, so I hope you're not viewing it that way...I think he saw some nice qualities in you (all of us men do) but It doesn't men omg you're the one on the emotional level whatsoever, that's a whole different ballgame and when we do feel that way that's when everything changes and you cannot create that. He's starting to contemplate ending this, this stressing him out of how he's going to let you down and push you away or at least get out of this relationship status type relationship. The rest is just "feel-good" type words, If you want to believe it that's fine but that's what guys say. He doesn't want to cause a major rift, he's trying to get you back into your own routine. Partly because he's tired of hanging out with you and also because it's part of the pushing away process. He's trying to reset everything back to the way it was but he's not an idiot, he knows what he wants he's playing out this whole game so you'll feel better about him letting you down. You can't do anything to change It unless you can turn yourself into the right girl for him or be a FWB so he can bang other chicks and get back to his independent life that he misses. It doesn't matter that you're a "good long term partner" because he's not interested in that, he doesn't want long term, and you think the first year should just be fun? ha! you're for a world of hurt with men If you keep living by that motto, probably one of those most foolish things you can possibly do, you need to press the man early on and find out what he's all about or you'll find yourself in these shoes a lot. Because a lot of men have no problem using you and stringing you along, and because of your emotions..you make it easy as pie because of "hope". Hope is for Disneyland, not for relationships. And THIS is why I'm slowly coming to the conclusions that if a guy isn't married... he's an a**hole. We're supposed to trust what men say ("men aren't complicated!") and not play games, and yet it seems guys are CONSTANTLY playing games with us. Like you have to be this mystical magical "right girl" for a guy to commit to you... but then if he commits to you and you seem to have a great relationship, any sign of doubt actually means he's using you and you're an idiot for trusting him, blah blah. Reading the two posts above, it sure seems that guys really aren't worth it, are they?
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 And THIS is why I'm slowly coming to the conclusions that if a guy isn't married... he's an a**hole. We're supposed to trust what men say ("men aren't complicated!") and not play games, and yet it seems guys are CONSTANTLY playing games with us. Like you have to be this mystical magical "right girl" for a guy to commit to you... but then if he commits to you and you seem to have a great relationship, any sign of doubt actually means he's using you and you're an idiot for trusting him, blah blah. Reading the two posts above, it sure seems that guys really aren't worth it, are they? So you can't see the difference with a guy like this that has "Red Flag" all over his face and how this woman made little to no effort to find out his emotions nor his past, and not just finding all of this and now it's coming all together. You're not seeing the mistakes of a woman here? This really sounds like the average guy that you really have to question his motives? If you can't read the signs until they hit you in the face, you have yourself to blame. If you want to spend your time crying woe is me instead of finding a guy who wants to be with you and is ready to be in a relationship than go right ahead. But don't pretend that women aren't selfish and come after men for their own agendas, It's not like men ask for everything you give, you give it all then put the receipt on the table and you expect the man to pay. You blind yourselves so much with your emotions and ideals that sometimes I wonder If you see the face, heart, and reality of the man you are even giving everything to. And then women rinse and repeat and on to the next...miraculously in love again with guy she never expected to fall in love with!. Does it even matter which man you choose or is it just a figure piece to what you want in your future and life?
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