goohoo Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Just looking for some opinions on this matter. This is geared toward those of you who live/have lived with a SO whether it is in the present or the past. My question is.. when you moved in together, first of all were you a.) still in the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship? And b.) If so, did moving in together, in your opinion, speed up, slow down, or have no effect on that phase? In my opinion, it would seem to me that it would speed up that phase, as you are now spending almost 24/7 with that person, as well as having virtually no time to miss them, and also it would seem to become more routine much quicker, than say, an average or long-distance relationship. Anyone have some success/failure stories to share about shacking up together? Likewise, what was the length of time you waited until you made that commitment?
HHC Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 We moved in together a few years in to the relationship. We were still in the honeymoon phase many years later. We talk a lot and over communicate sometimes so the things that annoyed us were talked about and the issues that were important sorted out and the ones that weren't, we let go.
snug.bunny Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 The last man I lived with, we moved in together after we became engaged. We were together for 4 years prior to that (we were together for 6 years total). I had moved out of my apartment into his place and at first, he would nit pick at little things (i.e. one time I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste and he made a big to-do over it). I think it may be more of a 'transition', when someone moves in with someone who was already living there alone versus if you moved into a brand new place together, because you're used to living in your own place and have your own things a certain way.
setsenia Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 My H and I moved in together after a year and a half. Got married a year after that. It definitely sped up the honeymoon phase, because we were both 100% financially on our own for the first time and job troubles the last few years have made things difficult. I don't regret moving out, because it was that or endure the emotional abuse from my dad.
Author goohoo Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Excellent. Glad to hear it's worked out for all of you (as far as I can tell)! Anyone out there have some experiences to share who may have moved in a bit quicker than, say six months to a year? And whether or not they were successful? I'll start off! I was just out of a recent breakup with a girl who I've dated long-distance (about 100 miles) for a year and a half. We did not live together at all during this time, although I would spend the weekends at her place or she'd come to mine every once in awhile. After this breakup, it was about a month after that I met another woman who I immediately thought I "clicked" with. It was only about a month after that and we decided to get a place together so we could spend more time together. This meant relocation for me, because she lived about 50 miles from me, so we decided to get a place around her area, so she could be closer to her family. It was a major compromise on my part, but I thought it was the right thing to do. Take note, during this time we were still in our "honeymoon phase". This situation lasted about 8 months. Living together wasn't a huge problem, but I did get annoyed at her pets many, many times. Likewise, she turned out to be a very insecure person, which also kind of drove me up a wall. Otherwise, we were pretty much on the same page as far as financially, doing the whole playing house thing, etc. I did end up moving home because of the distance from my own family, and then the relationship just fizzled out after that. So, to answer my own question (from my own perspective), it DID make our "honeymoon period" end quite a bit quicker than if we were to have stayed somewhat long-distance. The previous relationship was entirely long-distance and I must say that the honeymoon phase lasted considerably longer. Now, any stories from those who may have experienced the opposite effect? And how are you/your partner as far as insecurity issues? Do they come into play or have an effect on things? I appreciate the time and responses!
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Initially, it seems to have deepened the honeymoon phase. We would cuddle 24 7, gaze into each other's eyes, make love with whipped cream and enjoyed even the mundane things together (like shopping, cooking, cleaning etc while kissing in between). Soon enough, we got bored of that and started arguing a lot. It got worse and worse until we broke up. I think it sped up the end of the honeymoon phase but for a truly compatible couple, it wouldn't have mattered. We moved in after 5 rocky months together and lived together for over 7 months. I wouldn't live with a guy again unless he was proposing marriage.
Ursa Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I've lived with a few different lovers. Once, it was lovely and fun but doomed, never expected to last very long. Different worlds. Once, it was just clearly a mistake--youthful enthusiasm. Once, it was a genuine attempt to build something lasting, but after a couple of years it fell apart. Wrong time, wrong match, but we're still friendly and still respect each other. The last time, it was right and it blossomed. We moved in together after being friends for several months and then a 6-month whirlwind courtship. Married a few years later--and we're still married another few years after that, very happily. Each time it was worth it, each time taught me something different about myself and my relationship dynamics. But then I have always been one to take a few risks and learn through experience.
grkBoy Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I let my GF move in with me a year after we started dating. I normally don't do that, but at the time she was four months from starting dental school in another state, so I didn't want to see her sign a lease on a new apartment for that much time. She ended up not wanting to leave me and take on the massive debt of dental school, so she stayed here and instead went to dental hygiene school. It's a good move too. $25K in student loan debt and you can make $60-$80K a year....compared to $400K in student loan debt as a dentist. Anyway, while things haven't been as "fireworks" in the last two years, I always felt the "honeymoon" never ended. I look at the "end" when it seems you come home, say hi, and go to your respective corners of the house without much talk until bedtime. We still miss one another when we're away, text each other love notes, cuddle and get all affectionate at home, etc. IMHO, the trick is simply to not let things end. It's that simple. Make time to date, do things, be a couple, do spontaneous nice things for him or her. Bring her home flowers one night for no reason other than you love her. Ask her out on dates even though you two are in a RL. Take her out on them. If you know how to cook, then surprise her with a candlelit dinner. Even when I still "check out" my fiance and tell her how beautiful she looks in a given day (and I'm being honest and sincere)...it shows things haven't "died down". Only reason things die down are because people let them, and I think some seemingly love the honeymoon more than the RL...much like some who love the idea of a wedding, but not marriage in itself. 1
zengirl Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I live with hubby, and I have lived with one other BF before. In both cases, we were basically de facto living together before the move-in occurred. With the exBF, living together was never the issue, and spending 24/7 with him wasn't what broke us up. We just wanted different futures. Hubby and I basically dated normally for a month, and then started spending most nights together at his place, and then he bought me a dresser and I basically was living there (but paying rent on my place and leaving a lot of my stuff there) for the rest of our relationship until we got married and I moved in. We've not been together long enough to truly be out of the technical "honeymoon" phase, I guess, though. Can't that be several years? I agree that you still need to date! Hubby and I definitely still go out and go on dates and do things together. I also think that you probably need some time and space to yourself---this is something I sometimes have to ask hubby for, because he needs less than I do, it often seems (He'll just stop watching the shows I don't like or stop doing the things that I'm not interested in, which I don't think is healthy, so I encourage him to do those things while I watch/do the things he's not into), but that could be because he gets the nights where I'm at school to himself already and stays up later than me already. I think if you really enjoy someone, living together only makes it better.
make me believe Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I've lived with two guys and for me moving in together always brought a brand new honeymoon phase to the relationship. You know, the thrill of playing marriage, being able to have sex whenever & wherever, the simple novelty of having breakfast together everyday, etc.
Els Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I live with hubby, and I have lived with one other BF before. In both cases, we were basically de facto living together before the move-in occurred. With the exBF, living together was never the issue, and spending 24/7 with him wasn't what broke us up. We just wanted different futures. Hubby and I basically dated normally for a month, and then started spending most nights together at his place, and then he bought me a dresser and I basically was living there (but paying rent on my place and leaving a lot of my stuff there) for the rest of our relationship until we got married and I moved in. We've not been together long enough to truly be out of the technical "honeymoon" phase, I guess, though. Can't that be several years? I agree that you still need to date! Hubby and I definitely still go out and go on dates and do things together. I also think that you probably need some time and space to yourself---this is something I sometimes have to ask hubby for, because he needs less than I do, it often seems (He'll just stop watching the shows I don't like or stop doing the things that I'm not interested in, which I don't think is healthy, so I encourage him to do those things while I watch/do the things he's not into), but that could be because he gets the nights where I'm at school to himself already and stays up later than me already. I think if you really enjoy someone, living together only makes it better. Yep, I agree with all this. My take on living together, though, is that it's something to be gone into slowly. The 'honeymoon' phase, depending on your definition, typically lasts 6 months to a year, and that is a reasonable time to wait, IMO. While being together for a longer time doesn't necessarily guarantee anything, you are likely to know the person better 2 years in than you did 6 months in. And moving together is something not easily undone - it is a huge hassle at best to move out again, so you had better know the person reasonably well and be reasonably committed before you do it. Also, it is 'easier' to lose romance while living together, I agree. That doesn't mean it isn't possible to keep it. As zengirl said, maintaining your 'dating' activities and giving one another space is of prime importance.
Kelemort Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 We moved in together after 2.5 years together, and it's now been more than a year. We weren't in the Honeymoon phase by then. If anything, living together made me feel a little more secure and helped me get over some of the issues that we had in our past. It also made him mad-crazy to get married, which I've avoided until recently. I do think couples should date 2 - 3 years before living together. At least a year. Long enough that you know that you won't be moving out once you move in. This can be a double-edged sword, though. I know many couples who have been living together now for 2, 3, 5 or more years, and one of them really wants to get married, but it conveniently never gets there...it takes the urgency off of getting married, so if you want to get married, it could be wise to think twice about living together.
Author goohoo Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 I thank every single one of you for your replies.. They are all very insightful. I still kind of have an unanswered question yet though, and it essentially pertains to moving in together and insecurity issues. Have any of you ever done this yourselves or had a SO shack up with you, only to later find out about some major insecurity issues? Likewise, did the living situation or relationship last? I can kind of relate to my original story with this, but I'm looking to see if others have shared the same experience, or if mine was just unique. When I moved in with a girl in the past, like I mentioned, some Major insecurities arose on her end, which led me to believe that's why she wanted to get a place together in the first place. It wasn't based on love or commitment, but rather the fact that she basically didn't want to be alone. And like I had said, it ultimately did not work out. Can anyone relate to this?
Recommended Posts