michirukim Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Anyway, I'm falling for the guy I am dating and I am pretty sure he is a confirmed bachelor. I have known him for almost 2 years but only been dating him since October (5 months now).. we went out 4 times the first time but I was already to the point where I (thought) found someone special so I stopped dating this guy to be exclusive with someone else. When my ex and I broke last September, this guy asked me out (he sent me a message on facebook wondering how I was doing) and we have been dating since then. Our relationship is pretty good.. he texts me all the time, very consistent in asking me out, I see him at least a weekend (weekday too when he isn't swamped at work), we spent Christmas and NYE together with his friends, we spent Valentine's day together where he cooked me lobsters, he tagged himself on our pictures on my facebook, the sex is incredible and we hang out even without the sex... We also have a very playful relationship, where we joke all the time but where I get the sense that he is this confirmed bachelor. While I joke that I am only dating him for his (incredible) body, he jokes that if I get pregnant or want a commitment from him, he will move to Belize. When we started being sexually active last December, I asked him the next day if we were just FWB or dating. He said that he hasn't been reduced to being merely my sex slave yet and we are casually dating and will go from there. He told me if I want something more, to let him know. At the time, I was dating several guys (only sexual with him though) and didn't care much to be exclusive. I just got out of a relationship and just wanted to date around. But now I feel myself falling for him and I don't know if I should tell him and risk being rejected. The guys I had been with are always the one who initiates "the talk." I feel like even if this guy wants to be exclusive though, he won't initiate. He is 43, I am 30, if that makes the story more complete. He is an "eligible" bachelor. Tall, good looking, educated, nice body, intelligent, makes decent money as a lawyer, etc. His age and background alone indicates to me that he likes being single. And his match.com profile is still active and that makes me crazy! LOL. We aren't exclusive and I do still go on dates with other guys... but still, it bugs me that his profile is still active all the time. How do I proceed? I don't want being rejected but I know it's a risk I have to take. Thoughts??
InJest Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 You've outlined it pretty clearly, and you already know its a risk you have to take. Take the risk.
irin Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 "He is 43. He is an "eligible" bachelor. Tall, good looking, educated, nice body, intelligent, makes decent money as a lawyer, etc. His age and background alone indicates to me that he likes being single" LOL sounds like George Clooney to me. does he have a history which indicates commitment at his most people have at least had LRT or marriage, children? if no then you are it now for until the next one comes along!
curlygirl40 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 He told me if I want something more, to let him know. How do I proceed? I don't want being rejected but I know it's a risk I have to take. Thoughts?? This right here. He told you if you want something more, to let him know. It's been 5 months and you want something more. Let him know. It's a risk you have to take. He knows you well enough to know if he wants something more with you also by now. Or he should. So ask him. You're taking a bigger risk by continuing on this way and hoping it will work it's way into more without having to ask. Ask so you'll know without getting too much more involved. It is what it is, wouldn't you rather know what you're dealing with? Best of luck.
kaylan Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 (edited) Why would a guy want to commit to a girl who dropped him for what she thought was a better deal the first time around? Some guys, like myself, give a chick 1 shot to show us shes worthy. If she screws up that shot then thats it for her when it comes to us becoming exclusive. She permanently gets put in the casual dating column. Why would I seriously date someone who already thought she could find better than me the first time around? Id be left thinking it could happen again. Plus I know when I want someone, so I want a woman to be sure of wanting me as well. No wishy washy crap. So it could partly be that OP...although its definitely seems that hes an eternal bachelor as well. I mean he jokes around about bailing on you if you want a commitment or get pregnant. So he has spelled it out for you. I think its silly that you are even concerned with him still acting like a single guy does. He is single and has straight up pointed it out to you that he aims to remain this way. Its dumb of you to expect differently or get bent out of shape at his behavior. Walk if you cannot deal with it. Edited March 6, 2012 by kaylan 2
Author michirukim Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Hi Kaylan, I didn't dropped him because I thought I had a better deal. When I met him, I was already dating someone almost seriously (2 months in). This guy and I went out 3 times and for our 4th date, he suggested going to his place and cooking for me and I told him bluntly that I know why he is trying to take me home and I know what is on his mind. This is a funny story now when he explains to his friends that we've known each other for 2 years but it wasn't funny then. He took offense to what I said and took me to a restaurant but did not call/text me for 2 weeks. Within that time frame, I got exclusive with the other guy I was seeing. I'm not wishy washy. I date many people when I'm single and when i find someone I want to be exclusive with and they bring up the talk, I stop dating other people right away. And I don't see anywhere where he spelled it out for me that he wants to be a bachelor (even though I think that based on his background and history). Actually, we had conversations before about marriage and long term and he has told me he wants to get married and have kids someday. I'm not upset that he is acting like a single guy.. how could I.. when I am and act like a single girl. But I do know I am falling for him and want something serious soon. Why would a guy want to commit to a girl who dropped him for what she thought was a better deal the first time around? Some guys, like myself, give a chick 1 shot to show us shes worthy. If she screws up that shot then thats it for her when it comes to us becoming exclusive. She permanently gets put in the casual dating column. Why would I seriously date someone who already thought she could find better than me the first time around? Id be left thinking it could happen again. Plus I know when I want someone, so I want a woman to be sure of wanting me as well. No wishy washy crap. So it could partly be that OP...although its definitely seems that hes an eternal bachelor as well. I mean he jokes around about bailing on you if you want a commitment or get pregnant. So he has spelled it out for you. I think its silly that you are even concerned with him still acting like a single guy does. He is single and has straight up pointed it out to you that he aims to remain this way. Its dumb of you to expect differently or get bent out of shape at his behavior. Walk if you cannot deal with it.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I'm sure he does enjoy being single, especially If he has been this whole time. That means he also knows the ropes and already at the very least knows what you want or what you will eventually ask him. There's not many women who aren't going to want something serious If they stick around long enough with you. So I wouldn't be so apprehensive in that regard, he already knows the drill, he's 43 years old I'm sure he's mostly seen everything from being a Bachelor, that's a lot of experience right there. And he intentionally set his life up so that he could do the things he wanted to do, date women and have a good income and dictate what he wants, that's what being a Bachelor is all about. Now whether he wants to settle down with you or not, I'm not feeling too strongly about that. He half-jokingly warns of that he'll move to Belize If he gets you pregnant or you want something serious, that could be a joke but typically that is on track with what a guy would say If he's trying to let you know he doesn't want this to escalate out of his comfort zone. He doesn't mind the joking, the companionship, the sex, but he's not exactly interested in marrying you, could be his mentality. I'm sure also If he's as together as you say he is he's not going to be eager or even know how to put on the ball-n-chain (Bachelor mentality) for anyone until he's really ready. And that's really the question here...is he ready to throw in the towel for some 30 something that I'm sure he's had come in and out of his life before so that he can settle down and have kids with? You have to realize with a guy that's worked to get his life into an ideal mode for himself he's likely not just going to give it up for anyone and just say oh ok, that's that...I'm done now, just for you. But he did say to ask him, but that's likely because of his experience. He might want to nip it in the butt before things get out of hand or out of control and you become emotional and unruly and not just relaxed and indifferent with his lifestyle (based on his past experiences with women). It might kind of be like his early warning system to put out the fire before it grows. Or maybe he's waiting for you to come around and decide when you're ready, but a little doubtful because I think he would have tried to win you over if he was really compelled to settle down. Either way you have to ask him, and talk to him about it to find out for sure in this case, he's not giving you any clear signs, with his experience I'm sure he can smooth over most conversations...he seems to at least enjoy your company and find you attractive enough to take you out with his friends and Valentines Day...so at the very least you are at the top of list of women he is interested in or maybe even the main one. Even If he rejects you however, I'm sure a man of his experience will let you down easily and you won't walk away feeling torn, just disappointed that it didn't amount to more when you wanted it escalate to the next level.
FitChick Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Instead of coming right out and saying, "I like you. Do you like me?" as if you were in middle school, be a bit more subtle and mention you've stopped dating other men and see what his reaction is.
Author michirukim Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Either way you have to ask him, and talk to him about it to find out for sure in this case, he's not giving you any clear signs, with his experience I'm sure he can smooth over most conversations...he seems to at least enjoy your company and find you attractive enough to take you out with his friends and Valentines Day...so at the very least you are at the top of list of women he is interested in or maybe even the main one. Even If he rejects you however, I'm sure a man of his experience will let you down easily and you won't walk away feeling torn, just disappointed that it didn't amount to more when you wanted it escalate to the next level. I am actually a very pessimistic by nature and I am afraid he will reject me. LOL. However, my gut feeling is telling me not only am I the main one he is dating, I am also the only one because of the things he says when we are together (that's why im confused on why it seems like he logs in to match.com everyday.. I am almost positive I am the only one he is dating). Of course, that doesn't mean anything. George Clooney dates exclusively too until he gets tired of the girl and on to another one. lol. We have a very joking relationship. I know he jokes about moving to Belize if I get pregnant or if I want something serious but I am not offended or take that seriously because that's the way we talk to each other (it is also how I talk to him). We do have some serious conversations sometimes though and he actually told me while I was on vacation last January that he was with him friends and they were talking about how crazy girls are and he actually realized I am actually pretty decent. I know "pretty decent" doesn't mean much to you guys but coming from him, I know he is actually telling me i'm great. lol (We were in communication everyday while I was on vacation for 2 weeks). I do know that we could wonder what he is thinking and feeling about me but there is no way to know for sure until it actually comes out from his mouth. Thank you very much for your input, Ninjainpajamas. I really appreciate it. Instead of coming right out and saying, "I like you. Do you like me?" as if you were in middle school, be a bit more subtle and mention you've stopped dating other men and see what his reaction is. I am really bad at subtle. Haha. How do I even start up the conversation that I am only dating him? Not sure if I want to tell him that either. Any other topics that can lead up to what I want to say? Please give me ideas. lol I don't think I want to bring this up right now though because I am in the midst of buying a place and he is my real estate attorney (for free).
stillafool Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 And his match.com profile is still active and that makes me crazy! LOL. We aren't exclusive and I do still go on dates with other guys... but still, it bugs me that his profile is still active all the time. How do I proceed? I don't want being rejected but I know it's a risk I have to take. Thoughts?? So basically you don't want him to do what you're doing. Is that correct?
Author michirukim Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 So basically you don't want him to do what you're doing. Is that correct? I know it's selfish but yes. I know I like him and would not hesitate to drop everyone else if I get any indication he wants to move on to the next level.
FitChick Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I am really bad at subtle. Haha. How do I even start up the conversation that I am only dating him? Not sure if I want to tell him that either. Any other topics that can lead up to what I want to say? Please give me ideas. If he asks what you did over the weekend, for example, you could say, "I've been getting so much done lately since I stopped being such a social butterfly. I like having all that extra time now."
g450 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 You wrote: "And his match.com profile is still active and that makes me crazy! LOL. We aren't exclusive and I do still go on dates with other guys... but still, it bugs me that his profile is still active all the time" Seriously? It sound very hypocritical of you to question him when you are also dating other men. It's very simple. Be direct and tell him you want exclusivity. Us men dont do subtle and we dont do induendos (sp?). Time to put the big girl panties on and just tell him.
stillafool Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I know it's selfish but yes. I know I like him and would not hesitate to drop everyone else if I get any indication he wants to move on to the next level. You're right it is selfish. He told me if I want something more, to let him know Why don't you tell him what you want and stop playing games.
Author michirukim Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 (edited) So I just want to let you guys know we broke up today. I actually did want to ask him in person but I just couldn't wait a second any longer and texted him today that i want a change of our relationship status to more than casual dating. (I had an opening and i took it.) He said he totally understands where I am coming from and that he wish he could make his head change. He said he feels like he will be forever single because of how his mind works but he just wants to casually date. He asked if we were still talking and I said in the future since I need space now. Then he said probably next week since I am still going to have questions about the apartment I'm buying (he was my real estate attorney.. reading my contracts, plans, etc but that's all done). I said nope, I have another friend who can do that. I said bye [insert his name]. He said bye [my name] former PP (he used to call me princess peach). That was that. I don't know what he means by how his mind works but i didn't ask and I guess it didn't really matter. I already got his answer. Edited March 10, 2012 by michirukim
daphne Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 You know you did the right thing. Hurt a little now, or a lot later after you've over invested even more. He's not the last guy. And a better guy who wants what you want is waiting out there for you.
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 So I just want to let you guys know we broke up today. I actually did want to ask him in person but I just couldn't wait a second any longer and texted him today that i want a change of our relationship status to more than casual dating. (I had an opening and i took it.) He said he totally understands where I am coming from and that he wish he could make his head change. He said he feels like he will be forever single because of how his mind works but he just wants to casually date. He asked if we were still talking and I said in the future since I need space now. Then he said probably next week since I am still going to have questions about the apartment I'm buying (he was my real estate attorney.. reading my contracts, plans, etc but that's all done). I said nope, I have another friend who can do that. I said bye [insert his name]. He said bye [my name] former PP (he used to call me princess peach). That was that. I don't know what he means by how his mind works but i didn't ask and I guess it didn't really matter. I already got his answer. Yep... He gave his answer. But he gave it long before - you just didn't recognize it. You cared more than he did - so he held all the power. I certainly hope you know well enough that when a man never asks YOU for exclusivity - that means he's sleeping around! ALWAYS use protection! Since he never made you his only priority - it already told you he was still out there fishing. When a man wants ONLY you - they don't use such evasive words that he used. That should have been your first clue. He seems to be a confirmed bachelor - accept it. Do not communicate with him... It will only look desperate to him. And remember - he won't turn down the sex - so don't get weak and think that offering it will hook him - it won't.
Recommended Posts