I screwed up with this girl through a joke, what can I do?

[sarang_hae_yo]

So there's this girl that I asked to prom. We've known each other for a few years. After I asked her we started talking, like a lot through texts. We actually used to talk a lot a few years back, but started to drift apart once she got a boyfriend (she's single now). We started to talk more. We talked about a lot of stuff, had deep conversations and all that jazz. Like kind of conversations I usually don't tell anyone but my close friends. We also started talking to each other more in class too. I really like her sense of humor. Eventually it was to the point where we both confessed to each other that we liked each other, but we didn't start dating or become boyfriend girlfriend or anything. Like we told each other that sometimes we had the feeling of "wanting more" than to be friends, but don't want to let it ruin our friendship when it doesn't work out.

 

She and her few friends are going to prom with me and my few friends. Today they said decided that there were gonna be some restrictions when we go to prom. She told me it was mainly for my friends and not her and me because we're closer to each other. So me and one of my guy friends joked and basically were like Alright, then we have restrictions also! I told her that me and my friend came up with the restriction that you cannot dance with other guys except us via text. And she was like that there might be a problem and threatened that we were about to be dateless in a few seconds (I think she was joking though.) I talked to a few of my friends about this and they said that its one of the biggest nights ever, everyone is gonna be dancing with everyone and that we need to be lenient and let them have a great time, so I agreed to it. At the end of the school day, I decided to text her that we were joking... here comes the bad part.

 

She basically told me when I brought up that restriction it brought up painful memories of her controlling and verbally abusive ex boyfriends, and because of the restriction we said, even if it was a joke, she lost trust in 'us', and that she doesn't "like like" me the way she use to do. I felt like complete crap after that text, like my heart was about to break. How in the world was I supposed to know that! She told me she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and that she only sees us as friends. I felt even more like crap once I read that text. I apologized to her sincerely about bringing up painful memories and that I'll be happy and content even if we were friends, saying that I hope it doesn't ruin our relationship, she hopes not too. She also says those things are not hard to forget even if you wanted to. And she was basically like Oh you didn't know and stuff like that and that she'll eventually get over it. I ended the text by saying if she needs anyone to talk to, she can talk to me.

 

What do I do now? Do I just leave it be? Should I even try to get together with a girl like this? I don't even know how to describe this in words. I feel like I screwed everything up with her through this small joke. I all know is that I woke up from my nap feeling really disheartened because of this. Truth is I really like her and want to be her.

 

My sincerest thanks, loveshack community.

Edited March 6, 2012 by sarang_hae_yo

[The_Joker]

Ouch, buddy, i really feel your pain through that post!

 

It does seem like the two of you are very good friends and it does not seem like she was playing around with you or anything before, so I am thinking it is quite true that even that joke stirred up some horrible memories with her ex. I don't know the whole situation, and you know it better than I do, but when something like this happens, you can't be blamed, but neither can she. Certainly it's unfair of her to project that hurt onto you, but at the same time, it's understandable.

 

Sh*t happens, and you got to live with it. Seems like it was a knee jerk reaction by her, and just when it looked like she was opening up out of her shell, recovering from her past abusive relationship, one of her closest friends, you, someone who she thought could trust, and potentially have a relationship with triggered this painful memory and got her thinking about what had happened in the past relationship. Joke or no joke.

 

For now, give her some space, be her friend, rebuild that trust you two have, because it seems like that friendship is on the verge of collapsing, it's almost better that you two were NOT in a relationship when something like this happened, or you would have lost her forever. If you really want to retain your friendship with her, don't leave her be and completely ignore her, but be there when she needs you. I wouldn't even think about any type of further relationship at this point, it sounds like she still needs her time to recover from her past, but yea, hopefully it works out!

 

Haha, I'll admit, I don't know too much about relationships, but this is just one guy's opinion The smallest thing to you, could mean the LARGEST thing to a girl, always remember that.

[sarang_hae_yo]

Yes, I feel like utter crap about it and realized my mistakes. She says she only has told me about this. Should I be the one that attempts to talk to her first? Like through text? Or should I just wait for her to talk to me... idk. I can talk to her casually in class or something I guess.

 

Thanks for the replies

[Kamille]

 

Alright, then we have restrictions also! I told her that me and my friend came up with the restriction that you cannot dance with other guys except us via text. And she was like that there might be a problem and threatened that we were about to be dateless in a few seconds (I think she was joking though.) I talked to a few of my friends about this and they said that its one of the biggest nights ever, everyone is gonna be dancing with everyone and that we need to be lenient and let them have a great time, so I agreed to it. At the end of the school day, I decided to text her that we were joking... here comes the bad part.

 

 

I don't understand. Were you serious about the restriction and then changed your mind based on what your friends told you? Or were you joking all along? How much of this thought process was communicated to her?

[sarang_hae_yo]

Well it may appear to them that we were joking because I originally I told her that me and my friend came up with the restriction that you cannot dance with other guys unless they're gay, except us. I forgot to add that in. But I was someone serious about it, cus if you ask someone to prom, wouldn't you want to be with them for most of the night? But I was somewhat joking too but wasn't thinking straight and should've been more lenient. But then told her that we were joking in the end.

[sarang_hae_yo]

i just got a text from her asking for homework help.

she eventually gets it and i replied if she needs help with anything else

 

no reply yet, but should i ask if she's alright or anything or is it too early... and just give her space? i dont know what to do!

 

edit: she replied with a one word answer. i think she started the convo about the homework to get me to say something but im not sure...

Edited March 6, 2012 by sarang_hae_yo

[The_Joker]

He doesn't want to be friends, he wants to be lovers. A guy that has declared his feelings to a girl/woman, shouldn't accept friendship once that milestone has been reached. It'll hurt him and women know that, they know that very well. She knows he wants to be more than friends with her, yet she plays into that very soft spot of him.

 

No she's either emotionally unstable or she's f*cking with him for her own gain.

 

After a declaration of love from a man to a woman, getting friendzoned should be the end of it in my opinion. It's for the man's sake. However, if he chooses to stay around her on his own accord after getting friendzoned, then that's on his own tab. Well good luck with that then.

 

If I declared my love to a woman, yet she friendzoned me, then that's probably the last time she'll see me. Id leave for my own sake, for my own mental health, so that I can move on. The only thing I'd be willing to do is check up on her well being every now and then, but that's me being considerate towards her as a human being, nothing more.

 

Men generally don't express emotion outward, men keep it inside, that means that the pressure of that emotional distress can get very high. As a man you must do what is best for you in these sort of situations. Don't let yourself be used, cut contact immediately for your own sake. That's my opinion on it.

 

Yes, I get that... except that at this point a relationship is not in the cards. It is evident that he would still rather be friends with her than not be friends at all, and whether or not he can accept a situation like that where he is just friends, and there will be nothing more, is his decision. Different guys take it different ways, you would immediately get out of any sort of friendship with another girl you liked if she friendzoned you and that is certainly a valid way to approach the issue. I see your point about this being more applicable to "friends" that you haven't known for a long time, maybe a few weeks to months, but they've known each other for years. It is not quite as simple as shutting the door and leaving.

 

I don't see how she is gaining anything by f*cking around with him, it's not like she's stringing him a long and waiting until someone better comes along, no I think it is more likely the other option, she is emotionally unstable.

 

I personally believe that just because a guy likes a girl who doesn't share the same feelings does NOT automatically mean they cannot be friends. There is never black and white, but I do admit you bring up a great point about detaching yourself from the situation to prevent yourself from getting hurt. Ironically, I will probably be put in the same situation tomorrow... haha, have feelings for a girl and if it isn't mutual, I'd like to stay friends with her, but on top of that, I can also see me moving on relatively quickly so that's probably why I can stay friends, but then again, that's just me.

[sarang_hae_yo]

what are the odds that maybe she's curious if i care or not and wanted me to talk to her about the whole situation...

[make me believe]

God she needs to get a grip. You didn't do ANYTHING wrong. You apologized that your joke rubbed her the wrong way, what else are you supposed to do?? Follow her around groveling for the rest of your life? If she isn't going to let this go then that's her problem.

 

what are the odds that maybe she's curious if i care or not and wanted me to talk to her about the whole situation...

 

You've already apologized and made it clear that you care about her. That's enough. Don't let her act like you did some huge awful thing because you didn't. She sounds like a major drama queen for blowing this out of proportion so much. Here's what should have happened:

 

you: joke about not letting her dance with other guys at prom

her: "you know, jokes like that kinda rub me the wrong way because it reminds me of my controlling ex."

you: "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know."

her: "no biggie, just letting you know for future reference."

 

And thats it. All of this dragging it out, saying she can't trust you and that she can't forget this.... omg!! Seriously, tell her that you've already apologized and that you're not going to let her punish you for this forever but that if she wants to let it go & continue being friends or whatever then you would like that. And then STOP apologizing, STOP groveling, and STOP feeling like you committed some horrible crime.

[Kamille]

I agree she's blowing things out of proportion. OP, here is your chance to learn a valuable lesson, very early on: decide now what level of drama you deem appropriate in your life. No partner is worth living on an emotional roller coaster.

 

That being said: I don't agree that you're absolutely free of blame. You could have negotiated the restrictions with her instead of imposing the rule and then "choosing to be lenient" once she and your friends disagreed with you. (You weren't in a position to be lenient). But you realized your mistake and apologized for it. That is the most you can do. She either accepts your apology or doesn't. The incident isn't so out of line that you should be grovelling.

 

Accept your loss and move on. Start thinking about who else you could invite to the prom.

[dasein]

You did nothing wrong. In all likelihood, someone else has asked her to the prom or she has her eye on someone else who is expressing interest, so has dishonestly blown your joke out of proportion to remove you from the romance picture. She is testing the waters to see if she can get what she wants from you, attention and an emotional tampon, without any returned obligations or responsibilities on her part, if you will be OK with that kind of backburner position. Don't be.

 

Get used to this in your dealings with women, it will not be the first time this kind of thing happens. Over time and much repetition of these basic facts, you will learn to walk away instantly from women who rationalize dishonestly in this way, as they are low quality, completely self-absorbed, and will bring no happiness into your life. Seek a new date for the prom sooner rather than later, forget this girl entirely. Good luck.

[InJest]

Don't get sucked into her head games. Do not chase this girl at all. Start asking other girls to the prom.

[make me believe]

You did nothing wrong. In all likelihood, someone else has asked her to the prom or she has her eye on someone else who is expressing interest, so has dishonestly blown your joke out of proportion to remove you from the romance picture. She is testing the waters to see if she can get what she wants from you, attention and an emotional tampon, without any returned obligations or responsibilities on her part, if you will be OK with that kind of backburner position. Don't be.

 

Yeah I agree she is using this as an excuse to bail on the OP while still blaming it on him. She probably got asked by somebody else or just changed her mind about going with him for some other reason, and now she can conveniently avoid going with him AND make it all his fault.

 

OP, definitely find somebody else to go to the prom with. And don't put up with ridiculous drama like this in the future.

[sarang_hae_yo]

Thank you to everyone for the replies. I also thought about the above statements that she was probably plotting something like that..but I don't she would really do anything like that, but today we talked like we did normally in class, it really seemed like nothing changed and everything was back to normal, and at lunch her and her friends laid down the rules which was basically that we can't talk or look at them when they're eating or look at them when they're freak dancing... haha. It was a really chill time.

 

And we continued to text each other like normal after school. Then the topic of prom came up...

 

Well, now I have a small dilemma on my hands. From the beginning like a month or two before all this I said I'd offered to buy her prom ticket if money was a problem (at this time she wasn't sure if she wanted to go). I asked her in class a couple of days ago if I'm still buying her ticket and she just joked something like You think I can't pay for myself? or something along those lines. So she texted me today asking if I bought my ticket already and im like yeah i did, and asked her she was going to buy hers. She said she was going to buy hers Friday and that she has to get gas for her car to buy both the corsage and boutonniere. It seemed like she was emphasizing too much, like she wanted me to buy her ticket for her. I didn't mind since I offered from the beginning, so I was basically like since shes buying both of those (the guy usually buys the corsage right?) I'll pay for her ticket and she agreed two texts later.

 

is this chick using me or something?? mixed signals all around....

Edited March 7, 2012 by sarang_hae_yo

[Kamille]

Again, I'm not sure I get it. After the chill conversation: is she your date for the prom again - or is that still off?

 

If she is your date to the prom, offer to pay the corsage and the boutonniere (and if you can swing it, even the ticket). If she isn't, then you don't have to pay for anything, not even the ticket.

 

No one can use you without your permission.