12 months post seperation, divorced now, dating and having odd emotions

[volkl1996]

Hi group, I seperated 03/2011. I am 45 years old.

 

My divorce is now final. I dated a girl for 3 months this past summer though I had a lot of anxiety so it ended. I now know it was a rebound, especially sexually. I have dated off and on since, nothing serious though. I finally feel ok being alone on the weekends and actually look forward to it sometimes. I use to have a lot of anxiety being alone on weekends.

 

I feel like I am over my ex. I rarely think of her and if I do, it goes away quickly. I think I miss the marriage and things we did together more than I think I miss her. I also think I miss the companionship and someone "having my back" if you will. The seperation was devastating for me though my close friends all say I seem to be in a much happier place and I seem to have moved on well.

 

I met a girl recently that I was very attracted to. We hit it off quick. We had 3 1 hour meetings (long story, think of it as a business relationshp with lots fo flirting) before we had our first date. Our first date was intense, lots of kissing and petting, no sex though.

 

2nd date was as intense with sex. All of our dates since have invloved sex, great, intense sex. She initiates the sex. We have shared a lot about our pasts too, which is difficult for me to do. She has been in mostly emotionally abusive and controlling relationships.

 

This is common for me, strong attraction, crazy intimate sex early, and then I start to feel strange, distant almost. I start to find physical flaws. I start to see red flags I did not initially see and I focus on them, almost obsessively. With the current girl I felt very anxious on our 4th date, like I wanted to be by myself. I shared this with her and told her I needed to pause, which we did for a week. I then saw her and felt an incrediable caring feeling for her, flaws seemed to dissapear. It's been two weeks since then and we have slowed waaaay down because of me.

 

I saw her last night for a couple of hours, yeah, crazy sex again. Afterwards I felt like I wanted to be by myself again. I feel like I am controlling her too as she wants to move full speed ahead and I am not letting her. I am forcing us to go slow. She likes to text me a lot. I told her I simply cannot do that. She is new to the area, no friends, and by her own admission sees me as a lot of different "relationships" in her life (friend, lover, dating, someone to talk to, etc). I have told her I cannot be all of those people for her, that it emotionally drains me. She seems to get it and has joined some MeetUps to meet new people (not to date, to make new friends). I find this very attractive for some reason. I am attracted to someone who has their own life outside of the relationship...something she does not currently have and is working on.

 

She wears her emotions on her sleeve. She has hinted at the "love" word already..it's only bee 4+ weeks. She gets all giddy and excited if I do something special for her. I am use to a "thanks, that was sweet" from my ex. For some reason her getting "extra" emotional about it kind of freaks me out. Liek last night it was raining so I walked her to her car with an umbrella. She said nobody had ever done that for her. I also left her a "Hi" note at work as a surpsrise. She keeps talking about it. She tells me I complete her, where have I been all her life, stuff like that. I do think she truly feels this though logically I know it's too soon to feel this for real.

 

I will not allow myself to say things like "I miss you" or "I am thinking of you" like she does. Not sure why other than I do not want to mislead her as I know the next day I may not feel the same.

 

So I am confused. Are these signs I am not ready? Are these signs she is not the right one? Why do I have strong feelings for her one day than wake up not feeling those strong feelings? Why do I still have the urge to be by myself, yet sometimes I do want to be with her?

Edited March 1, 2012 by volkl1996

[FitChick]

This is why I don't date men divorced less than two years.

[volkl1996]

Well, I have been this way my entire life...even before I got married.

 

Though I understand your 2 year measure, for me it's not about a calendar I do not think. it's more why do I do what I do in my head...and does this mean I should break it off with who I am "doing" this in my head with.

 

I like this girl and I care about her.

[FitChick]

Then just push through it.

[volkl1996]

That is what I am doing though some days my heart, or head, is not there. I guess I am questioning if this is normal or if anyone else experiences this when dating.

 

I think I am at that stage in life where I am starting to question "what's this relationship stuff all about anyway" and what should I be feeling. Make sense?

[RedRobin]

Timing is off. No big deal.

 

I do find that people who are recently divorced have big approach/avoidance periods to work through. I'm like FitChick... I'm not really game to be the one helping them work through it. On the other hand, it's not like a good guy comes on the market every day So timing is everything.

 

So, I'm going to ask now... how old is this woman? It doesn't sound like she has alot of experience.

 

The other thing is, she might just want you to feel appreciated and nothing more. If your trend has been to be with women who are emotionally unavailable or ungrateful, yea, I can see how that would feel weird.

[volkl1996]

Hi RedRobin, she just turned 36, I am 45, no kids. She has two young boys, the father, her ex, is really not in the picture "physically" because of his job though he is very supportive and so are his parents. Her parents are in another country. She is truly a single mom.

 

She moved to the area last year to move in with a guy she had been dating for a while. He became emotionally abusive and controlling once she moved in, so she left, literally in one day, and got her own place. She has no friends except for her work.

 

She's got some baggage, no doubt. So do I. If anything she is emotionally dependent and too emotionally available. I find that unattractive in a woman.

 

I have been helping her by introducing MeetUps to her, which she loves. She has made some girlfriends already from MeetUp events she went on and I can see a change in her spirit. She is no longer texting me all day like she was the first few weeks. I still see signs though that she is months ahead of me.

 

Your timing comment may be spot on. Though is the timing ever just right for both? Shoudl I ride this out and see if our timing does hit?

Edited March 1, 2012 by volkl1996

[RedRobin]

It's so funny... I find men put up with junk from younger women they'd never put up with from someone closer to their own age or a few years older. Even if she is 36, she sounds more like 26.

 

Kids, baggage, drama... all for 'hot sex'.

 

I'm kind of having a hard time feeling sorry for you. Sounds like you are thinking with your little head and not your big head.

 

Good luck!

[volkl1996]

Hi RedRobin, I will deny there is probably some truth is your comment.

[Soxfaninfl]

She wears her emotions on her sleeve. She has hinted at the "love" word already..it's only bee 4+ weeks. She gets all giddy and excited if I do something special for her. I am use to a "thanks, that was sweet" from my ex. For some reason her getting "extra" emotional about it kind of freaks me out. Liek last night it was raining so I walked her to her car with an umbrella. She said nobody had ever done that for her. I also left her a "Hi" note at work as a surpsrise. She keeps talking about it. She tells me I complete her, where have I been all her life, stuff like that. I do think she truly feels this though logically I know it's too soon to feel this for real.

 

I will not allow myself to say things like "I miss you" or "I am thinking of you" like she does. Not sure why other than I do not want to mislead her as I know the next day I may not feel the same.

 

Wow this girl sounds like me. I was with a girl recently that kind of acted like you that I dated for 3 months. Have you seen a counselor? I've dated a couple of girls since my divorce in September of 2011. I'm am 36. I did date a 42 year women and a 37 year old women. My counselor has told me that I need time. It's too soon. Maybe it's too soon for you too. You seemed freaked out by her. It's sad cause I want a women like her, and I can't find her.

[volkl1996]

"Hi RedRobin, I will deny there is probably some truth is your comment. "

 

I meant to say "not deny"

 

I went thru a lot of 1:1 counseling after my separation that helped me a lot.

 

September 2011...that is only 5 months. That feels like it's too soon to me though i do notknow your situation and everyone is different.

 

I have wondered if it's too soon and if I should stop dating all together. I don't know. I feel like I am ready though I am not ready to give up my life and "lose myself" again, like I did in my marriage. I like my life now..I am happy being alone. Though I would like to find a companion who is in a similar place. Who is not ready to jump to month 6 after 3 weeks.

 

Yesterday she sent me an email stating she wants to start cooking dinner for me. Yikes, no way, I do not want that. I do not want someone to take care of me. I can take care of myself. Maybe I am afraid of losing myself in a relationship again?

Edited March 2, 2012 by volkl1996

[RedRobin]

okay, I'm back... sorry to 'punt' on your problem. I've just seen it so many times. Well, I admit too, that I find it annoying when men (especially mature men) still gravitate just to the physical instead of taking some time. I realize women do it too, but I'm not dating them

 

TBH, I did some of what you are doing after my divorce. It was so long ago, I forget (divorced in 1999). After seeing that pattern, I quit all dating for awhile (a year or two) and focused on developing friendships with men, my career, doing volunteer work, etc.

 

I don't necessarily recommend THAT path (ie temporary celibacy)... There is something to be said, though, for finding constructive ways to manage the grief of your marriage ending while also being able to find companionship. For me, it was just easier to draw the line at sex because I couldn't afford to get attached to the wrong person(s). There was just too much at stake for me.

 

On the other hand, being able to separate infatuation from love and sexual interest from sincere romantic interest... well, that was the education of a lifetime. I attribute that to my time being celibate. Other people have FWB relationships during this period, but I just can't do that. Someone always seems to get hurt in those situations. Not my style.

 

You have a number of different options, and relationship/dating styles to choose from these days. As long as you are honest and up front with whomever you are with, it will be ok.

[volkl1996]

Thanks RedRobin.

 

I am doing a lot of volunteerring, I have joined some hiking and biking MeetUps, I am working on my guy friendships...and honestly I feel great.

 

Right before meeting this girl it was my plan to take a dating break. We met, immediate attraction, and wa la. I feel like I have been honest with her.

[volkl1996]

So I find myself thinking about her today, wanting to reach out and make plans with her for the weekend, though I don't. Why? Because I am concerned I will wake up tomorrow feeling indifferent/strange again.

 

It would be easy to invite myself over to spend the evening with her, or make plans to go out with her tomorrow night, when I feel this way. Though I know my history with "feelings" so I don't. Still wondering if I am not allowing myself to get close.

[KathyM]

It sounds to me that this woman is rushing things too much with you, and trying to get too serious too fast. She comes across as too needy, IMO. That is probably why you are hesitating or unsure, because it seems she is moving too fast and you haven't decided how you even feel about her yet. You brought sex into the relationship too early on. That often seems to make women feel more attached to a man and expecting more of him, when he may not be ready to have as strong of an emotional attachment. Sex is often more of a bonding experience for women than it is for men, and she is now seeing a future with you, and is pressing for that future, which you are not emotionally ready for. Four weeks is way too early to get that emotionally invested in someone. You are right to be cautious, and I don't think it has anything to do with your prior marriage. It sounds to me like you are being naturally cautious and not wanting to rush things, but she is getting too invested too fast. Just take it slow. You obviously don't really know how you feel about her yet--it's just too early for that at this point.

[volkl1996]

Thanks KathyM, spot on.

[daphne]

Honestly, I don't think you're ready for anything more than casual dating and you should be honest about this. You said yourself that you feel selfish. Because you know that what she wants is more.

 

If you're not ready to move fast, that's ok. You dont' have to. But your anxiety seems to be a hindrance to your ability to be relationship material at this point. I think you would be doing her a disservice to continue.

[Untouchable_Fire]

So I find myself thinking about her today, wanting to reach out and make plans with her for the weekend, though I don't. Why? Because I am concerned I will wake up tomorrow feeling indifferent/strange again.

It would be easy to invite myself over to spend the evening with her, or make plans to go out with her tomorrow night, when I feel this way. Though I know my history with "feelings" so I don't. Still wondering if I am not allowing myself to get close.

 

Dunno... this woman sounds awesome to me.

 

Seriously... what the hell do you want? Some cold bitchy woman that won't touch you without gloves?

 

You are clearly better than other guys she has dated. That makes her fall hard and fast. What is so wrong with that?

 

Keep going like this and you are going to screw up a great thing.

[SJC2008]

Well you all started having sex on the 2nd date and have been basically having sex ever since. I'm not "hating" but if you want an R or don't know if you want an R go for a FWB sit where the women knows that's all it's going to be about. How can you get to know someone if you're just screwing? The way I see it is, is that if you take things slow on the physical front and really get to know someone the sex will be there so what's the rush?? I may be naive but look at the R and marriage failure rate. I'ts proven that when sex is involved that fast that things are not likely to last and yes I'll use the there are exceptions disclaimer but it is what it is.

[RedRobin]

... and I'll add, that the reason why women like FitChick and I don't date recently divorced men is because of situations like this.

 

You don't seem like a bad person. Just someone who doesn't know what he wants.

 

The only thing I have to add, is that you, so far, haven't really suffered too many negative consequences from your poor choice here... except for a little guilt.

 

I've cautioned many men about this... I have male friends who have had sex with women they hardly knew... needy ones who have some sob story are the worst... The woman ended up being a stalker. Except, she made up BS stories to make it look like he was. Put a restraining order on him, made up false charges. If he hadn't been keeping track of their IM conversations he would have been screwed.

 

She was able to torment him for months before the court date came.. of course, she never showed, so the 'charges' were dropped. After she dragged his name in the mud for months, she then left the state. Nice.

 

Something to think about before you get too carried away on the 'attraction' stuff...

[volkl1996]

I have shared my feelings, my thoughts, my anxieties, etc with her. I shared this 2 weeks ago and I shared it again today.

 

I do like this girl and when the anxiety is not there I feel something special for and with her. She is the 3rd girl I have dated since my seperation and I could see, with time and patience, this developing into something.

 

She said she knows how I feel, she sees it and she knows I do not have similiar feelings for her that she does for me. She said she wants to see where this goes and is OK going slow.

 

Should I just end it now to "spare her" from getting hurt later should this have to end for me?

[volkl1996]

A SNL Weekend Update

 

I want to say I have had these distant, want to be alone feelings all of my life with relationships, so I do not think this has anything to do with my marriage and not being ready to date.

 

We had dinner out Saturday night. It was nice to see her, a 2- 3 hour visit.

 

Sunday, yesterday, she came over around 1PM and we went for a long hike along side a local river. She made a picnic for us, which was very nice.

 

We came back to my place. She was going to leave and we decided to cook dinner in. Again, it was nice.

 

Yes, there was sex on both dates. Initiated by her. In fact I told her we should not..she is very hard to resist and is quite persuasive so.....

 

We had a talk again last night. I told her how I am feeling. She does want more and is getting a little frustrated holding back. I reminded her she needs to be herself and get what she wants and needs out of the relationship too. I told her I am concerned I am controlling when we see each other, and that it's not healthy. I told her I have my days where I am in a funk, and feel distant (this is not unique to her, I have had this with every girl I have had a relationship with, marriage or no marriage).

 

I had moments yesterday and Saturday night where I felt a little distant...where I was wondering if she is "the one", where I was focusing on Red Flags, though as we talked last night I felt very close to her. I am not an affectionate person, she is, very much so, and that is bothering me a bit too.

 

Red Flags to me are not realistic (I know I am not being realistic). For example she has beatiful skin and a great complexion though she likes to wear that makeup that makes a girls face look orangy. Ugh. I am an outdoorsy guy and I have asked enough questions where I think she may be a little too girly to do some of the adventures I like to do...though sometimes she says she does. She is kind of clingy..hand holding, rubbing my butting, kind of stuff in public. I don't like that...never have. I took her to a party to meet some of my friends..she would not leave my side and kept very close to me and kept her hands on me at all times. I did not like that. She seems too willing to do anything to make me happy. My shoe was untied and she said she would tie it. Yeah, all this seems silly though for me they are things I obsess on.

 

Today I woke up and feel a little distant again. I do not want to make plans to see her as I do not know how I will feel that day. I really feel like I want to thing son my own and not lose myself in a relationship, yet I want to continue to see her and see where this goes.

Edited March 5, 2012 by volkl1996

[carhill]

Try having a date without sex and see how it goes.

[volkl1996]

carhill, you are right, and that was my intent yesterday. I was weak :/

[KathyM]

I still think she's too smothering. Ties your shoes for you? Constantly has her hands on you in public? Always trying to seduce you, even when you are hesitant? That can start feeling a bit claustraphobic after awhile. The woman sounds clingy to me, and not independent enough. When someone makes you their whole world, that can seem like pressure, and give you that feeling of losing yourself. People who are emotionally healthy have a balance of independence and relatedness (the need for being in a relationship). When they are too geared towards each of these extremes, it is unhealthy.