How does it make you feel when the person you're dating still has profile up?

[curlygirl40]

I'm curious here and interested to see how many different opinions we have.

 

Say you're dating someone for a few weeks or a month or so. Haven't slept together and haven't had the 'exclusive' talk. The person you're dating still has their profile up and is online on the dating site every day.

 

Does this make you feel like they must not be that into you if they are still looking?

 

Is it just 'what people do' these days, to keep their options open until getting serious with someone?

 

Does it make you feel insecure about the potential for it to be a serious relationship in the future?

 

And how about if not only do they login everyday but you find they are updating their profile during the time they are dating you? Say they add new pictures or change their profile heading?

 

Do you think they are just looking for the bigger, better deal?

 

Would you worry more than they were a game player?

 

I'm asking because in hindsight, the guys that I have dated that have kept their profile up in the beginning ended up not being good relationship material, but the guys that have decided to take their profile down in the beginning (with no discussion about it between us) while we continued the 'getting to know you' stage were more relationship minded. Just wondering what you all think and if there's a connection to this.

[veggirl]

I think this is why I couldn't do OLD. I can only concentrate on one guy at a time, I'd feel slighted and worried if after a month he was still active on a website and not only checking it but updating his profile. If I were going to OLD, I would probably ask on one of the first few dates if they multi-date or not.

[crossfitter]

I think it's gonna vary considerably from relationship to relationship. I recently told the girl I've been dating for over a month that I was gonna close my account. She took it as my wanting to get more serious (I did), but she doesn't want to be there yet. So I backpedaled and said it was to save money. :|

 

But I could easily see how that'd be a good thing if both people are like-minded in their attraction/rapport levels.

[curlygirl40]

I'm not dating anyone right now, this was more of a general question.

 

Like you veggirl, I am more comfortable only dating one person at a time and focusing on getting to know that person and seeing where it goes.

 

If I go on one date with someone and I like them enough to see them again, I usually take my profile down right away and just see where it goes with that person. So because I'm like this, it does make me wonder if the guy I'm dating is continuing to 'search'.

 

Many times if I know I'm interested in someone I will mention on the first date that I like to take 'breaks' from OLD and will probably hide my profile soon. This way when they see me do that they don't think too much about it. As in, they don't think I took my profile down because I think I have just found my 'one'. Not sure if that makes sense but that's usually what I do.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you're not exclusive most men will continue to stay on a dating site. They're not going to delete their account just because they are seeing you.

 

However once you start becoming exclusive, as in start sleeping together or becoming more like a couple, then you should have that exclusive talk right away. In fact you should probably have that conversation to begin with..

 

What you're trying to do is filter out the wrong men for you, not see how far they'll lead you on or what they'll do...I have no idea why some women choose to leave the ball in the guys court and then just stand idle as if they don't have the ability to speak or think, just wait around on the guy to see what he wants.

 

You should make your intentions clear and stand by them, have a more exclusive talk with men. Men who don't want to be serious with you won't like that kind of a conversation, those who do will stick around and compromise with you.

 

If they're hanging out and updating their profile afterwards anyway, then they're not too interested in you, and keeping their options open.

[curlygirl40]

If you're not exclusive most men will continue to stay on a dating site. They're not going to delete their account just because they are seeing you.

 

However once you start becoming exclusive, as in start sleeping together or becoming more like a couple, then you should have that exclusive talk right away. In fact you should probably have that conversation to begin with..

 

What you're trying to do is filter out the wrong men for you, not see how far they'll lead you on or what they'll do...I have no idea why some women choose to leave the ball in the guys court and then just stand idle as if they don't have the ability to speak or think, just wait around on the guy to see what he wants.

 

You should make your intentions clear and stand by them, have a more exclusive talk with men. Men who don't want to be serious with you won't like that kind of a conversation, those who do will stick around and compromise with you.

 

If they're hanging out and updating their profile afterwards anyway, then they're not too interested in you, and keeping their options open.

 

I'm so new at this and I have found that, in time, I have learned to put much more value on myself and my worth. I think the more we demand for our time, the more we will get for it. We teach people how to treat us.

 

Sometimes part of the process is just finding like minded people or finding ways to accommodate what others are comfortable with without sacrificing your own morals or beliefs.

 

But still there is that fine line of moving too soon and scaring someone away when you're really still in the 'get to know you' stage. Before exclusive talks, before sleeping with someone, etc.

 

In the past when I have been on a few dates with someone who really grabbed my interest to only find that they went home and logged on, it was a really crummy feeling.

[Thieves]

How would I feel? In a word? Disrespected.

 

Personally, I can't seem to figure out how people can focus on several people, or keep looking, especially when they're already slowly getting involved with someone. I guess some people are better suited to multi-tasking? I know when I choose somebody out of a hundred others, it's becauase I think we'd be on the same wavelength about many things, including a person's way of dating. With this being said, if I were into online dating, I'd take it as a given that the person I'm interested in will take a break from the dating sites if our interest in each other becomes mutual.

 

Otherwise, it comes off a bit shady to me. Sorry to say. If I give a potential love interest my full attention when getting to know them, I'd expect much of the same back. If I don't do that, I feel like I wouldn't really be able to get to know them as genuinely as I could because in the back of my mind, I'd always know that... well, I can always go back to that dating site if it turns out to be a drag.

 

Many times if I know I'm interested in someone I will mention on the first date that I like to take 'breaks' from OLD and will probably hide my profile soon. This way when they see me do that they don't think too much about it. As in, they don't think I took my profile down because I think I have just found my 'one'. Not sure if that makes sense but that's usually what I do.

 

This seems the most reasonable to me. There should be, and I believe on many sites there is, an option to "hide" your profile. Plus, it also doesn't make your potential partner think you're prematurely "shutting the gates down" for everyone else because you think you've found the "one", while they may not exactly be on the same page.

[Alexanda]

I would be mad if someone kept their dating profile online while we were dating. That would tell me they arent that interested and are waiting for someone better to come along.

[monkey00]

I'm asking because in hindsight, the guys that I have dated that have kept their profile up in the beginning ended up not being good relationship material, but the guys that have decided to take their profile down in the beginning (with no discussion about it between us) while we continued the 'getting to know you' stage were more relationship minded. Just wondering what you all think and if there's a connection to this.

 

There probably is a connection to it, also some people keep their profile up but rarely login after they meet someone compatible.

 

Recently I told this girl I was going out with for the past several dates (and she came by my place the other day, watched a movie and cooked a meal) that my profile was down because my subscription ended, didn't want to pay for another one, and there was no point leaving it up. It just came up in a discussion that she would have no way to contact me had she lost her phone.

 

Well she said she was considering taking it down because all the weirdos and creeps message her, and she rarely goes on. Well it's a lie anyway, because she goes on practically every day. Recently she dropped off the face of the earth, so oh well.

 

Anyway I think it's probably in your best interest to leave it up, and continue dating one person exclusively until you guys decide to be in a R. And then you can have the discussion of taking down the profiles....that was what me and my ex did when we met on Match. Although there's nothing wrong with taking it down also if you aren't interested in other prospects.

[daphne]

the guys that have decided to take their profile down in the beginning (with no discussion about it between us) while we continued the 'getting to know you' stage were more relationship minded. Just wondering what you all think and if there's a connection to this.

 

Generally speaking, this has been my experience. Guys that have to leave their profiles up, to meet the masses of illusion that they see out there aren't great relationship material. Most will probably still be looking later.

[oaks]

And how about if not only do they login everyday but you find they are updating their profile during the time they are dating you? Say they add new pictures or change their profile heading?

 

I don't think that merely having an active profile and logging in is necessarily a big issue, but updating his profile is definitely a sign that he's trying to attract someone else. If you've been dating for "a month or so" then perhaps you should have a talk with him about where things might be going or what direction he might want things to head. It doesn't have to be a "let's be exclusive" request if you're not ready for that yet, but at least find out what he's looking for.

 

How long would you normally date someone before having that sort of conversation?

[curlygirl40]

How would I feel? In a word? Disrespected.

 

Personally, I can't seem to figure out how people can focus on several people, or keep looking, especially when they're already slowly getting involved with someone. I guess some people are better suited to multi-tasking? I know when I choose somebody out of a hundred others, it's becauase I think we'd be on the same wavelength about many things, including a person's way of dating. With this being said, if I were into online dating, I'd take it as a given that the person I'm interested in will take a break from the dating sites if our interest in each other becomes mutual.

 

Otherwise, it comes off a bit shady to me. Sorry to say. If I give a potential love interest my full attention when getting to know them, I'd expect much of the same back. If I don't do that, I feel like I wouldn't really be able to get to know them as genuinely as I could because in the back of my mind, I'd always know that... well, I can always go back to that dating site if it turns out to be a drag.

 

This is exactly how I feel. I don't feel like getting to know someone who I have an interest in was a waste of my time if it doesn't work out, and I definitely don't feel like I should be out there looking for something else at the same time. My mind doesn't work that way. What's the harm in hiding a profile for a few weeks (or whatever) just for you to get to know someone and know if you want to pursue something more? If it doesn't work out, OLD will still be there when I get back.

[curlygirl40]

I don't think that merely having an active profile and logging in is necessarily a big issue, but updating his profile is definitely a sign that he's trying to attract someone else. If you've been dating for "a month or so" then perhaps you should have a talk with him about where things might be going or what direction he might want things to head. It doesn't have to be a "let's be exclusive" request if you're not ready for that yet, but at least find out what he's looking for.

 

How long would you normally date someone before having that sort of conversation?

 

So again I'm not dating anyone right now this is more of a general question because it's something I think about and something I have experienced in the past.

 

But I'm glad you made the distinction because I think you're spot on. There's a difference between seeing that someone has logged on (they could be seeing if you're still on, they could be politely answering a message, etc.) and changing their profile to attract other people while they are dating you.

 

I haven't done enough of this to say that I have a hard and fast rule about how long I date someone before having that conversation. Two of the guys I dated who didn't work out actually had that conversation with me on the second date, told me they were taking their profile down just to see where it went with me. They were both VERY relationship minded and moved WAY too fast for me actually, but it was a good feeling to know that while we were getting to know each other they would put their focus on that.

 

One of the guys that I dated for just a few dates last spring kept his profile up and also kept making changes to it while we dated, it made me feel very crummy and in the end, I realized he was in fact seeing other women at the same time. Which again, I understand because it's not like they are being dishonest if you haven't had that conversation, I was just more curious about how it made other people feel. I think I made a post about that guy, he sent me a very crude text that was meant for another girl. Another girl that had apparently just sent him a picture of her who ha. LOL Not this girl. So dodged that bullet.

 

So this was one of my curiosities I guess I could say behind making this thread. IME the guys that have taken down their profiles in the beginning seem to be more relationship minded and the guys who are still looking over their shoulder for something better while they are getting to know you don't seem to be.

 

It's good to know what other people's thoughts are and it seems like there is a lot of agreement here on how it makes people feel.

 

Thanks for the input.

[fortyninethousand322]

Depend on how often they're logging in or if they're logging in. Having an active account on the site doesn't matter that much if they're not really participating in it. If they're logging in everyday and editing then I'd think they were just weighing their options. Most people do this anyway, but at least they'd be open and honest about it.

 

So I guess I would be fine with it.

[PinkInTheLimo]

As long as you just meet as friends and nothing romantic has happened (holding hands, kissing) I find it OK that the dating profiles are still up. If things are however evolving towards a relationship, the profiles should disappear.

 

I think that it's best not to do any guessing here but be clear about what you want. If the other one wants something else, time to break off the contact.

[salparadise]

With my current girlfriend, we had a conversation about the profiles after we affirmed that we wanted to get to know each other better. We added statements to our profiles saying that we were seeing someone and would not be responding to messages while we gave it a chance. Then, a couple of weeks later, we both turned the profiles off and changed our facebook relationship status.

 

We had talked about our frustrations with dating sites, and our preference to date one person at a time, in our early conversations. Communication flowed easily, however, we never had an exclusivity talk per se. Now, at about the six month mark, it's also understood that we're interested in each other as potential life partners even though we have not had a big, serious conversation about it. We understand that we have the similar goals and that neither of us would be stringing the other along if we didn't see potential consistent with our shared goals. We are so well attuned to each other, and communicate so well generally, that before we need one of those explicit conversations we already know, and the details just fall into place.