thegirlnextdoortoyou Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 if i find porn offensive and dont want bf looking at it (in a sexual way- looking at porn as humor and laughing at it is ok)... but i find that it would be rude and disrespectful if he watched it and masterbated to it. do i have the right to ask him to stop and to feel upset about it? is it a reason to leave if he feels what he is doing is healthy and i dont feel that way? does that make me a bad girlfriend for feeling that way/ asking him to stop because it makes me uncomfy? Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 How often does he look at it? Link to post Share on other sites
thegirlnextdoortoyou Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 hmm...since its a scenario, let me think what would bother me........umm 2 times a week is enough to bother me. 3 would be the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 *yawns* Originally posted by thegirlnextdoortoyou do i have the right to ask him to stop and to feel upset about it? You have the right to do anything you want. So does he. Remember that. is it a reason to leave if he feels what he is doing is healthy and i dont feel that way? Yes! Absolutely. If you tell him you don't like porn, and he continues, just leave. Because you're not going to make him stop, trust me. Even if he tells you he's going to stop, he's just saying that to be nice. does that make me a bad girlfriend for feeling that way/ asking him to stop because it makes me uncomfy? Bad girlfriend is in the eye of the beholder. If you were my girlfriend, I wouldn't look upon this as one of your more admirable qualities, and would hope that your overreaction/misunderstanding isn't demonstrative of your entire value as a girlfriend. But since when do you care about his take? Link to post Share on other sites
thegirlnextdoor Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 well of course i care about what he thinks, feels, etc Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Originally posted by thegirlnextdoor well of course i care about what he thinks, feels, etc As long as it's in accordance to what you think, feel, etc? Link to post Share on other sites
thegirlnextdoor Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 what is your attacking for? well when it bothers me, im going to voice it. and this isnt even a real scenario anyways! any man that i dateis allowed to think feel do as he wishes but when it upsets me, theres a problem and we talk it out. so what is so wrong with that? and yes, its vice versa. if he is unhappy iwth me, i want to hear it so i can fix and change it Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 I'm making a point. You have every right to voice your opinion to him. He will disagree with you. Pornography is an issue in which "talking it out" doesn't work. He'll either tell you point blanc he isn't going to stop, OR he'll tell you he will, and keep doing it. This should give you some insight as to what's wrong with your stance on it, but it likely won't. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Dyer, are you on a crusade to reconcile the women of this world to their bf/husband's use of porn? If so, why? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Yes, I am. It must be the twinkies I eat before I sit down next to the computer. Link to post Share on other sites
thegirlnextdoor Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 all subjects aside. porn has always been a problem in households, dyer. you cant erase that as hard as you may try. obviously if it has caused such a ruckus and SO many people hate what it has done to their families, then it MUST be a problem. thats how i see it. if a guy i am with is liking porn too much for my tastes, then hes not the one for me. im glad im not dealing with it. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 I wasn't trying to erase it, at all. The problem isn't with him though, it's with you. I'm entitled to that opinion. if a guy i am with is liking porn too much for my tastes, then hes not the one for me. I admire that you have your tastes explicitly laid out. I wish you the best of luck, and I don't resent your feelings at all. I wouldn't want you to put up with something that bothers you, that's unhealthy. But because so many men indulge in this behavior, I merely suggest that it might be easier for you to attempt to understand and modify your feelings, rather than find a man who doesn't like porn. Either one's fine, if it works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Jon S. Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 I forget where I read/heard this... "Porn and masturbation are like ex's. Girls know they exist, but they don't want to know about it." Perhaps the bf should be more discreet about when/where he does it, but remain upfront about the fact that he does do it? Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 For the record: Not all men have to have porn in their life. Some men will gladly "give it up" when they settle down with a woman, because they get more our of real life then they ever did out of porn. Some men don't care for porn at all. ANY ISSUE in a relationship should be discussed by the couple. Each person has a right to their own feelings and opinions. Communicating these things to each other is vital---that is how each person decides if the relationship is the right one for them. There is no globally right or wrong answer. If woman A says that looking at porn once a week is enough and woman B says that looking at porn 3 times a week is enough -- who is right? Neither and Both! Its up to the individual. Link to post Share on other sites
LauraD Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 I think pornography brings out the worst in human sexuality. Porn gets between the relationships between men and women, in that it can take the focus away from the real interaction. Porn at its most benign is just crass and tasteless. Many men will never stop looking at porn no matter how much it bothers their sig. other because they find it a harmless entertainment. My friend suggests that "this is why you should become a lesbian." Not the choice for most I'm sure. So what do we do? Get over the fact that not only porn, but television is drenched in overtly sexual images, catering to male audiences between ages 15-45.....Maybe we should get more hobbies, find ways to spend our time so that stupid habits like porn-viewing in our men don't make or break our happiness. Maybe other involvements would remind us that if our men want to make decisions using their penis, we don't need to stick with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 If a woman were to take away the porn, nudie bars, farting episodes and beer away from the men I work around.....those guys would just as soon be dead. It's part of their comraderie....it's what they DO! If a guy didn't partifipate....he would be considered a WIERDO! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 I think one point of tension in this discussion are differing attitudes about whether or not a man's occasional porn-viewing affects his partner. In my view, it doesn't. So unless a guy has an addiction to porn, where he's watching it everyday and in fact prefers it to real sex with his partner, I just don't see what the big deal is, or how a girlfriend/wife figures it's her right to control his behavior. What if it were something else, like drinking alcohol? Girlnextdoor, would you feel it your right to expect your boyfriend to conform to your views about alcohol consumption? What if you were a strict teetotaler and you were with a guy who had, on average, one beer per day (by most definitions, in no way a drinking problem)? Would you think he ought to accommodate your views, simply because that's how you feel? Let's assume he's an intelligent guy, and his view of one-beer-per-day is different from yours -- why should your view trump his? Or what if your partner had appalling taste in clothing and always looked like a slob, while you are immaculately groomed and stylish -- could you reasonably demand or expect that he'll change his clothes to suit you? In other words, what's important: the offended partner's attitude, or whether the "offense" is actually something that directly affects the relationship? It's a slippery slope. Because a girlfriend/wife who feels it's her place to dictate what is and is not acceptable behavior based solely on whether or not she likes the behavior, and would like to participate in it herself, had better be prepared to have the tables turned on her. Do you like chatting on the phone for an hour and a half every day to your sister across town? Better be prepared to curtail those phone calls. Do you like wearing stylish clothes that are in no way trashy but your boyfriend feels are a bit too revealing? Better be ready to burn those clothes and start wearing the shapelss sacks he feels more comfortable with you in. Or how about this: don't like to watch porn? Your boyfriend thinks you're uptight, sexually insecure, and somewhat mechanical in bed. Better get ready to watch at least one xxx video each night. And bring a notebook, you could get some valuable tips. Loosen up, after all, that's what your boyfriend wants. And if he wants it, you should by all means do what makes him comfortable. [if you didn't see my tongue in my cheek during this last paragraph, do re-read with that in mind] I agree that there is nothing wrong with expressing your discomfort with something, but I just don't see how on earth you can expect someone to change just because you want them to. If porn is a deal-breaker for you, you should admit that to yourself and to your boyfriend and break up. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Him liking porn is part of who he is. Why do you want to change who he is? You shouldn't want that. Accept it or don't. If he was a vegetarian, and you didn't like that, would you tell him to stop being a vegetarian or you're going to leave him? Link to post Share on other sites
Jon S. Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 "Get over the fact that not only porn, but television is drenched in overtly sexual images, catering to male audiences between ages 15-45" Totally different things. I see porn as a means for isolated sexual release. The fact that television (and magazines etc etc) are a cause for increased sexual tension. I see absolutely nothing wrong with a guy using alternate means for release when his gf/wife/whatever isn't around. Maybe if there weren't so many ads for "sexy perfume" or "sexy staplers" there wouldn't be so much tension in the first place. You wanna call porn crass? That's a huge generalization. Porn can be crass. Being an entire massive industry to itself, there are many genres, from the "i love you" porn to the "do-me-now, you big stud" porn. "Maybe other involvements would remind us that if our men want to make decisions using their penis, we don't need to stick with them." Unless your man is sticking his penis in another woman/man, I don't think you have much to worry about. Grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Oh for the love of god..... porn is merely a stimulant for giving oneself pleasure or with a spouse etc..... wtf harm is there unless you didnt feel good about how you looked yourself. if thats the case, solve it easily, work on yourself, feel better about yourself, but my god leave the men/women alone who do look at porn. its no different than reading novels, cosmo, the enquirer or a damn soap opera on tv. realize these people are models/actors who most likely will never have anything to do with your spouse ever in real life except be a 5 minute enjoyment piece they can never ever, touch, taste or feel. Link to post Share on other sites
zsdfsdfsdf Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 HELLO PEOPLE dont attack her, she did say this was a scenario!!! Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Yeah. And when people say, "A friend of mine has this problem," it's NEVER about them. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Originally posted by zsdfsdfsdf HELLO PEOPLE dont attack her, she did say this was a scenario!!! When you say "her", do you mean "me" ? Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 HELLO PEOPLE dont attack her, she did say this was a scenario!!! no one is attacking anyone, or giving personal reference....... she asked a scenario question, she got scenario answers!! i just cant help thinking all these insecure porn questions has to be by one specific person...... my lips are zipped!! RON JEREMY FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
IamSad Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 I can't say I've ever been in a relationship long enough to have to turn to porn for pleasure. -- meaning I probably got bored with the sex, but that hasn't happened yet... and that is the only reason I would ever turn to porn in a relationship if I wanted to remain faithful. I admit I do look at porn sometimes : ) Im not proud of it, but there's a reason I do it... and it's probably the same for most guys, and that's to fill the void of real Sexual satisfaction in my life. (aside from that, i've heard of men being addicted to porn) but assuming he's not one of those... maybe the fault isnt entirely his .. or yours! The sex in the relationship just needs improvement... i know it was just a scenario, but still.. if anyone has that problem the solution is simple (or at least simple to understand). and maybe this will comfort you but after i broke up with my last girlfriend I resorted to porn for a while, and I can say i just don't think of the girls in the porn like I do my girlfriend, its nothing to be jealous of or anything... it just isn't like that. We love our real women. well, at least I do. cant stress enough though the sex life most definitely needs improvement in cases like this. Check the history on the computer, find out what sites he visits and dress up as his favorite porn star lol I dunno Link to post Share on other sites
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