ctes300 Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I met this girl online about 3 weeks ago. We exchanged emails and pretty quickly decided to meet. So last thursday we go out and have some tapas and wine and talked for about 4 hrs, kissed and went home. It seemed there was really good chemistry. We spoke for a couple hours on the phone Friday. Then on saturday, she has me to her house - things were going well - but moved a bit too fast so she put the brakes on. We still were having a great evening and went out for a late dinner. We had long conversations about some things you wouldn't usually approach this early -but on both nights she said she felt very comfortable talking to me and felt we knew eachother for a long time even though we don't. I leave very late on saturday night and figured there was no need to call the next day because I don't want to be too intense, just take it easy. Monday comes and I left her a VM before she was out of work so we might be able to meet because I was near the town she works in. I called again just a while later and it goes right to VM. Later that night she texts me saying she got my message, so silly me- i try calling a while later but no answer. Now I am getting concerned I am looking like a tool. Again, she sends a text saying she was still out and happy hour went really long ( its about 10:30pm). I decide to leave it be.......but then the next day is Tuesday....Valentines day. The timing couldnt be more awkward with Valentines day falling so soon since our first meeting. I felt it was possibly too over the top to send flowers so soon but my sister and a bunch of the women she worked with said you've been on two dates - I would expect it and they all agreed. I went ahead and sent some Gerbera Daisies and a simple happy V-day card. I get a text from her saying Thank you for the flowers. Her cat is eating them. So I am like WTF? I do this and just get a text response? She may have mentioned on saturday she had plans with some girl friends on V-day so she may have just stopped home but really I don't see that as a reason to just call to say thanks. I decided to leave things be at this point and let her call me if she is so inclined but feel discouraged about the whole thing. Maybe I am reading too far into this so soon. I wouldn't even care if I didnt think we both had a great time and had a real connection. I hope I am remembering all the details. Any insights into the situation and advice would be appreciated.
Philosoraptor Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Give it time and stop pushing, but she might not be interested anymore.
PrincessPeach Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 You are doing too much and too soon. You have just met, there is no need to dive right away into seeing and talking to each other every day (and certainly not for hours at that). That's a drastic change really quickly and even if she says and/or thinks she is comfortable with you and enjoys you time together. Change is frightening and turning your life upside down for someone you have not known that long is not enticing. Spread out your contact and meet-ups/dates. Before meeting you there were other things she did during her week and if she spends all of her time right away with you she loses what she likes to do and what she is used to. Slowly bring each other closer, doing it all too quickly could freak her out (I know it'd freak me out).
veggirl Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 It was too soon for flowers, imo, but what's done is done. I'd back off for a few days then ask her for a date for early next week. I did LOL at the cat eating the flowers text.
Author ctes300 Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 I really wish I could undo this. I had a feeling this was too much but between my sister and her female staff, they had me convinced I would look like a jerk if I didn't. I am going to leave things be as I planned and everyone seems to agree. I am just wondering is there any recovery at some point if I don't hear from her in a week or so? Should I tell her I was really split on whether to send it or not or is saying that a mistake too?
SJC2008 Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Had a new date Sat so was in the same boat you were. I sent mine a clever text and it blew her away! I'd say the 3 calls in one day hurt you more than the flowers if the flowers hurt at all. She may be a bad communicator IMO. She says she got your meassage. I'd be thinking "Ok I got your message I'll call you xxx" "I got your message call me xxx". It's not that hard but some men and women are very bad communicators.
PrincessPeach Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I don't think there is any need to tell her that sending it was a mistake or that you were split on the matter. I personally wouldn't mention it at all unless she asks first, then you can be briefly honest about it and tell her you were split on it or whatever. But don't make a big deal about it, if you bring it up or apologize too much then you make a big deal out of something that wasn't or shouldn't have been a big deal otherwise.
Author ctes300 Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 SJC2008 please share the details of your clever text msg.
Author ctes300 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 SJC2008, i think i misunderstood - i take it you did not send flowers, sent a message instead? and, was it rude to not reply to her text when she got the flowers? i was thinking of making a joke about if the cat was still alive after eating the flowers. it can either go over well or if the cat died all bets are off anyway.
Alex DeLarge Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Haha, that's kind of funny.. I had met a girl about a month ago and was wondering the same thing. I hate valentine's day A LOT, so I don't like to celebrate it even if I have a girl by my side.. Well, my buddy suggested I get her some flowers and I think "nah that's tacky and she'll probably think I'm some clingy loser." So instead, I hit the liquor store and grab a cheap bottle of wine for 7 bucks and have her come over my place. I sent her a text earlier that day saying "Hey, let's meet up tonight.. But I'm just gonna be straightforward with you and let you know I don't do this valentine's day crap." We wound up watching a movie, getting drunk, and getting it on! Not a bad evening.. I don't know why, but girls hate when you do "nice" things for them nowadays.. They all think it's either 1.) some silly move to get down their pants (even though you don't need a gift for that, just a bit of sexual escalation) or 2.) HE'S CLINGY OMG RUN FOR THE HILLS. Note for future advice.. Never take relationship advice from female friends or female family members, it's not that they're trying to sabotage you but they usually say the EXACT OPPOSITE of what a woman really wants (ever have a girl dump you for being a nice guy? I have!). Go to a friend of yours who dates around a lot and ask him for advice. 1
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 (ever have a girl dump you for being a nice guy? I have!). Go to a friend of yours who dates around a lot and ask him for advice. The funny thing about that statement is many women (on this board especially) insist that it's the guy's fault. They say, "Guys who say women who dump them for being nice aren't nice at all." When many women specifically have said they've dumped men for being too nice.
Alex DeLarge Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 The funny thing about that statement is many women (on this board especially) insist that it's the guy's fault. They say, "Guys who say women who dump them for being nice aren't nice at all." When many women specifically have said they've dumped men for being too nice. Most girls say that because they've dated a handful of these "nice guys" who turn into psycho guilt tripping clingy dudes after they did that nice thing for them. For example: "YOU'RE GONNA DUMP ME AFTER I BOUGHT YOU ____. ____. AND ___?!" Well dude, don't buy her anything then! You're either gonna eventually get dumped, or find out you're both soul mates or some cheesy crap like that. Lots of dudes today aren't real men and don't know how to handle rejection, they turn into whiny babies (like the typical nice guy) and give real men (like me) a harder time in the dating world. I personally just enjoy being a gentleman, but some girls think I might be some "stage 5 clinger" cause of it. But in reality they can give me a simple "I'm not interested" and I will return their comment with "Well I had a great time getting to know you and wish you the best, take care." and move on to the next girl.
make me believe Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 and, was it rude to not reply to her text when she got the flowers? i was thinking of making a joke about if the cat was still alive after eating the flowers. it can either go over well or if the cat died all bets are off anyway. You should have texted back and said you're welcome -- glad the cat is enjoying them or something. So yeah, your sister was wayyy off-base, it was definitely too soon for flowers on Valentine's Day. Between the flowers & the fact that you seem to be calling/texting a lot more often than she is, she probably thinks you're coming on too strong. Don't mention the flowers again unless she does. And if she does, you can tell her that you hope it wasn't too much and you were kinda torn on it. Anyway I would give her a few days, and then send a text asking her on a date or something. If she doesn't respond favorably, at least you'll know.
ditzchic Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 The funny thing about that statement is many women (on this board especially) insist that it's the guy's fault. They say, "Guys who say women who dump them for being nice aren't nice at all." When many women specifically have said they've dumped men for being too nice. I've never dumped a guy for being too nice. I have dump "nice guys" who just go way over the top though. For me it's all about how genuine you are. If you are doing nice things for me because you genuinely enjoy doing nice things for me because you like me, game on. If you are doing nice things because you think it will make you look good so I'll like you, fail.
Author ctes300 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 Note for future advice.. Never take relationship advice from female friends or female family members, it's not that they're trying to sabotage you but they usually say the EXACT OPPOSITE of what a woman really wants (ever have a girl dump you for being a nice guy? I have!). Go to a friend of yours who dates around a lot and ask him for advice. I fought my gut instinct and should have known better than to listen to my sister. She's never been good with this stuff - duped again! I've never dumped a guy for being too nice. I have dump "nice guys" who just go way over the top though. For me it's all about how genuine you are. If you are doing nice things for me because you genuinely enjoy doing nice things for me because you like me, game on. If you are doing nice things because you think it will make you look good so I'll like you, fail. So if I admit I was torn on sending flowers because it was too early, or influenced to do it I may look worse?
ditzchic Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 So if I admit I was torn on sending flowers because it was too early, or influenced to do it I may look worse? I honestly wouldn't mention the flowers at all. I think it was a bit too early for them but I would leave it in the what's done is done category. If you feel you have to, I would say that you were torn because it was so soon but thought she deserved something special for Valentine's day. I wouldn't say you were influenced or told to send them. That makes you look like kind of a tool that can't make his own decisions and is easily persuaded.
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I'm a gal who's easily skittish, but I see nothing wrong with you sending her daisies for Valentine's Day. Had you sent her red roses after two dates in the middle of June, that would be too much too soon. But flowers on Valentines Day? They're almost expected. And even if I thought it was strange or unnecessary of you, common send would tell me you probably felt you HAD to BECAUSE of the holiday. No big deal. Just stop pushing and contacting her. Give her some breathing room.
veggirl Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Oh, OP. Don't mention the flowers again, don't mention ANY of this or apologize for it when you see her! PLEASE. You will drag it out even more and just make things so much worse. Just shhhh....let the flower/Vday thing go now....carry on like it didn't happen.
SJC2008 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Everyone says it's too soon for flowers and that's why in my case I sent a text, which she liked. BUT what is wrong with flowers on the friggin holiday where flowers are given? So what if you just met, it doesn't mean the man is proposing or thinks they are an item. Some women run for the hills so easy now days it makes me wanna puke. If I saw my date on v day I probably would of just given her a rose and to keep the freak out meter down I would of said "I know we just met but no woman should be without flowers on v day". Hell at one point in time it was flowers on a first date, now you can't even give them on v day if you just met. @Op: I'd tell you what I said but I don't want to blow my cover lol.
Author ctes300 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 @Op: I'd tell you what I said but I don't want to blow my cover lol. You didn't send flowers so your message wouldn't help me anyway. I was looking for some specific insight that would have saved me in this situation. Although many thought sending flowers was a mistake (and I agree), I hope she has enough perspective and self esteem to just accept it as a simple token of friendship on a holiday known for giving flowers. I don't know how I can make that obvious without bringing it up again. Update- I hadn't spoken to this girl since Saturday night and my last text to her was Monday. I didn't reply to her last text on V-Day thanking me for the flowers either. I plan to call her sometime tomorrow and see if I can salvage this deal. I am seeing other people and have had two dates this week but this one is as close to exactly what I have been hoping to find in years so I'd like it to work out but I know how women are when they make a decision.
Author ctes300 Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 It appears she has lost interest for whatever reason. It could have been anything really like the flowers or something I did before. I called this morning and left a VM. I saw her on IM and she ignored my hello. We appeared to have a great connection on our first two meetings but she apparently has flaked out. I hate for things to end with just being cut off. I feel bad because I don't run across this often in my life but I have other things going on so soon it will be history anyway. I thought of sending an email in a few days but its probably a waste of time and energy. Also, thank you all for the help.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) This is the kind of situation where you may be dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. If she was expecting, something, and you didn't get anything you could be in the dog house. But lets look at this from another angle. Suppose she is/was interested but by you getting flowers and her not getting you anything she feels embarrassed. There are women who expect that they should give the man something back... even just a card. Now she is asking people what should I do in response to the flowers. etc etc. She may feel so awkward, embarrassed, and uncertain over the flowers and how to respond that rather than dealing with it she will just withdraw. The messages and phone calls could have hurt you. It's sad really. Ask your grandparents about dating. For them it really was expected that a man would bring a flower on a first date or send flowers after a really good first or second date. A man was expected to be a gentleman, not "nice", but a gentleman. (Gentlemen weren't nice because they would also fight if insulted or disrespected). Now it's not enough to be a gentleman...now it seems a man has to be a bastard just to seem normal. My only advice on this is not to stop being a gentleman. There are still ladies out there who will just take flowers for what they are. Just a nice gesture no more expensive than a capichino or two which means you like them (nothing more.) Edited February 18, 2012 by Mrlonelyone
Author ctes300 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I called this morning and left a VM. I saw her on IM and she ignored my hello. so another update....I get a text msg saying she's on the train and can't talk today. replied with asking if she wants to meet monday (today) and nothing yet. seems she always responds but slowly. I think I should go NC for a couple weeks and maybe send a text then. Not sure if I should apologize (or if she even expects one) at some point for being too pushy last saturday or leave that be. At the time she said she blamed herself.
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