I love her but it’s not easy getting time with her

[skieran]

Hello to anyone who reads this. Sorry if this is posted in the wrong section. I’m a newbie here but I could really do with some advice or whatever any of you can provide. The following is long but I appreciate and thank anyone who reads it and those who assist in whatever way they can. Thank you.

 

To sum things up quickly before the bulk of this post; essentially I’ve fallen in love with a girl who I rarely see in person but I since found her online and she leaves for America in June.

 

To give a fuller background, I’m a male 22 year old uni graduate living in England and I have never been in a relationship. I’ve always been extremely shy which doesn’t help and I have never fancied anyone enough to ask them out but in late November I met a girl and instantly adored everything about her – and it is not just physical attraction. Sorry to go all cliché here but she is so beautiful and I equally take a strong interest in her hobbies and activities and think everything she does and says is amazing. I honestly wake up and go to sleep with her on my mind. This might sound odd seeing as I’m 22 but she is my first real love interest. I absolutely adore her.

 

I met her at work and took an instant liking to her. She was so friendly and sweet. She is 21 and finishing her last year at university doing her dissertation so is working temporarily therefore I rarely get the opportunity to see her in person. She has come from Northern Ireland to study and she left a few days before Christmas to spend time with her family and I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. Fortunately I found her on Facebook and messaged her wishing her merry Christmas and apologised for not getting the chance to say goodbye in person. It worked and she got back saying thanks and asked how my Christmas was. I spoke to her online only 2 or 3 times during December up to seeing her in person again which wasn’t until late January. These online messages I should say were pretty brief – nothing more than simple 1-2 sentence chats. Contact with her was rare but I kept my faith and my affection for her was and is still strong.

 

The night she was back, I finished my shift at work early so I asked my boss if he wanted me to carry on, hoping he’d say yes. He said he would appreciate an extra pair of hands at the end of the night so I risked doing 2 ½ hours extra overtime just on the off-chance that I could see her and if I was lucky, maybe say hello. I felt like the luckiest man alive when we finished at 12:15 in the morning and walked her home. It was one of the most wonderful and dare I say, most magical things I have ever done. I haven’t seen her in person since that night (which I keep playing in my head every night before I go to bed, thinking of things should have said.) She recently landed a role in a play so chances of her coming back to work for a while are very, very slim what with essay writing and now rehearsals. She also leaves for America in June for a potential work placement. So I feel the need to say or do something quickly before she leaves but of course not too quickly as I might put her off me. It sounds longer when I say 5 months but in reality the time will fly by if I don’t do something. And I feel it has to be soon. The longer I leave it the more awkward things it may become but the too soon may harm the entire thing.

 

We do speak every now and then on Facebook but it has always been me that has started a conversation or commented on a thread and it has never gone past “my message-her response-my response”. I of course don’t want to ‘over-message’ her and be too forward but as she is leaving for America in June and I hardly see her in person, this is my only means of communication with her. I find it very difficult to get past the work colleague-friend stage. Even then, we’re not the closest of friends, just ‘work-mates’ at that. It’s just not the same asking her out etc online. It feels wrong that way and again, I don’t want to be too forward but I feel I have to make a move quickly before it is too late.

 

I’ve often thought of asking her out for coffee if she needs a break from writing and acting but when I really consider it, I worry that it might be too sudden and I’ll make an idiot of myself, plus she hasn’t always replied to my messages which always makes me think negatively. I suppose part of me is worried what her answer would be and that it could ruin any potential friendship we may have. Her Facebook page does have her mobile number and email address but I haven’t taken them. I’d rather wait until we agree to swap or she offers hers. Valentine's Day is coming but I think it's too early to do anything with it.

 

I really do like this girl. I’ve never been in love before so I have nothing to compare it to but I’m confident in saying that this is love. The fact I risked doing 2 ½ hours extra work hoping for a chance to just see her, waiting over a month for her to return and struggling to sleep at night for thinking of her points towards it. I promise I’m not making the following up: my heart beats faster when I see her, I dream of holding her in my sleep, she makes me smile regardless of what she says and I get what can only be described as (this is as good as I can describe it) a fizzy version of butterflies.

 

I completely understand that she just might not like me which I would just have to accept or maybe I need to be more bold with how I feel so she gets an inkling to how I feel.

 

Sorry for going on so much but I could really do with some help or advice as to what I could maybe do next.

 

Thank you (genuinely)

 

sKieran

[Ninjainpajamas]

Alright Loverboy, I have some suggestions for you;

 

- First you need to go outside and jump around and shake off this pollen of infatuation (It's not love, I promise, but It doesn't mean you don't really really like this girl and it couldn't develop into that) you have for this girl...no, not completely but in order to win a girl over you need to have your head put on straight because you're not seasoned or experienced enough to make the right moves or negotiate the situation reasonably and without control.

 

So do some shadow boxing with your imaginary friend and just take your head out of this cloud, you're going to need your head in order to snap out of that tunnel vision you are getting already, you need to make the right decisions not the scared ones.

 

- Secondly stop micro-analyzing every little detail, the details are likely not as relevant to her as they are to you, you need to get on her level. If she plays off, you play off, If she's on then you're on, you don't need to juggle this tall plate of dishes trying to make sure that micro-step was the best move after all, or If she's rejecting you or disinterested or not.

 

- And finally you've got to come up with a plan...we'll call it

 

"Operation English Terrier"

 

It's a little too late to build up your confidence and have you overcome that shyness as a whole but you're going to have to take some leaps of faith and put yourself out there.

 

Now how you're going to do this is step by step (you writing this down?), your plan is to make very gradual steps and test the waters out slowly but indirectly. So think of things or ways that you can interact with her in some way on a day to day basis or every other day or what not.

 

For example; find out what kind of coffee she likes by asking her or talking to her casually, then later on or another day drop by her desk or what not and say "Can I interest you in a coffee?" and just drop it off to her while you are holding it in hand...she'll probably say "Oh thank you, that's nice of you" and If she says oh I already got one then just make her laugh or say something witty "Well...I didn't really get it for you...you just looked tired so I thought I'd give you mine" ok ok don't say that! but you get the point! the point is the interaction not the damn coffee!

 

Otherwise ask her to lunch or tell her, "Hey I'm going to grab a sandwich or tea and crackers from the drive-thru, you want anything?" If not because you don't know where she works or she works in a separate part of the building and you don't want to go walk over there (which you should) but If it would look very odd then ask her questions, make conversation.

 

Find out what exactly she does, how she likes her job, what are her plans for the future, how does she feel about going overseas, will you play with me naked?...you know, the normal ****.

 

I think the point I'm trying to make here for you is show her that you are interested in getting to know her, you can't just sit on your ass and be shy.

 

And when you do something, you need to do it with CONFIDENCE. You're not a confident guy however what you need to tell yourself is when you cross that line there is a point of no return. When you walk her home, that is confident you and you need to handle yourself appropriately. You need to think that first thing in the morning until you go to sleep.

 

Stop the whole "I completely understand If she might not like" crap, that is irrelevant and a given If that's the case. What you're objective is right now is to try, try and get to know her, try and talk to her and be assertive enough, not aggressive to take things step by step.

 

If you sit around dreaming little fantasies all day hoping you had the chance to be with her by some miracle or that you could lay next to her one day then you might as well just erase your memory. You want to make that a reality? then take a deep breathe like many men have before you and take a risk, ask a question and approach her and even though you want to **** your pants out of nervousness have the courage and remind yourself to be confident...you're not scared, you are confident now.

 

Don't worry about "over-messaging her" or trying too hard, because I can assure you that you are trying too little, so balance that out by what you would perceive as being a little over-bearing because then she will actually pick up that you're interested in her before you get friendzoned.

 

You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain, don't let your fear leave you wondering forever.

[skieran]

Hi Ninjainpajamas,

 

Thanks for the lengthy reply. Much appriciated.

 

And thank you again for setting some things straight. At the end of the day I just have to keep telling myself that she is just another person. For example there is another girl at work who I speak to regularly and more comfortably but I'm not romantically attracted to her so it feels more relaxed. With the girl I'm in love with, I'm always on edge. I find it hard to look her in the eyes when that would really help push things forward. When I get the chance to see her in person again, I'm going to try really hard to complement her. I mean, I want to complimet her and I have lots of genuine things I want to say to her but it is having the guts to come out and say it, and that's where your advice on feeling confident comes in. And I'd prefer to compliment her in person rather than online as it's harder to get feeling across via messaging and she might just take it as friendly banter. It's much more from the heart in person.

 

I suppose part of it is about mindset; if someone thinks things are going to go wrong and they feel unconfident, things will likely turn out that way. I need to feel more confident, and by feeling confident, it will hopefully show in my appearance and voice.

 

And yes, I overthink the simplest things which will always put my mind in a negative mood. I have to learn to think rationally and accept what has happened. Chances are I haven't made an idiot of myself or made a mistake but worrying over every detail just makes things worse when it reality I'm just asking polite, friendly questions and asking how she is.

 

For example, if I were to message her something like "It was really nice seeing you again yesterday. Looking forward to seeing you next week. Hope you're well!" I will later tell myself 'I shouldn't have put "looking forward"' and 'maybe I should have put just "nice" instead of "really nice." That sounds too needy.'

 

Yes...that's how picky and worried I am and can get. What foolishness!

 

Seeing as she is hardly at work due to uni and rehearsals, facebook is my only means of communication so I've took on board some of your advice and this morning decided to messgae her and ask how her essay was coming along. It's just a starter and if she picks up on it I can perhaps every couple of days enquire about other things. I like writing too so I felt Ok asking her. But it'll have to reach the point where I can't keep enquiring and I'll have to try and ask her out. But asking someone out online just doesn't feel right to me but it's my only choice, unless I can get her number or email address which are on her page but I haven't took them out of politeness. I think it might be creepy if I just took them without her offering.

 

Thanks again!

[PinkInTheLimo]

Don't analyse everything. If you like her a lot, show it to her by asking her out for a drink or a movie. She might say "No" to that and then you know that she is not interested. That's the risk you have to take but by just staring at her and admiring her, you won't get anywhere. If she likes you, she will like you no matter how shy and clumsy you are and if she doesn't like you as more than a friend, nothing you do or don't do will change that.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Just remember If you over-think it or take too much time then you'll ALWAYS talk yourself out of it, you'll think more of the negatives than any positives. That's why you have to react and just take a chance, it's like a balancing out and you have to catch it right in the middle.

 

If you want to say hi or something nice, you don't have to try hard, or make yourself sound so eager, just play it cool, make it casual and try not to be overly polite...all you need to do is be respectful, remember that you yourself deserves something out of this too...If you put her on a pedestal then you risk coming off desperate.

 

Be polite, and respectful but you don't have to be so "nice" and inviting, just take it easy...pretend she is the girl you're not romantically interested in to gain the correct mindset.

[skieran]

Hi PinkInTheLimo,

 

Thanks for your advice. Very true, if she does like me she won't mind how shy I seem.

 

I messaged her yesterday (I mentioned it in my last post) but just (hopefully) waiting on a reply. It's nothing big, just a polite enquiry of how she is doing. I'm just thinking of when I should maybe suggest asking her out rather than just ask out of nowhere. I feel I should build up to it but give her an inkling at the same time. I might just ask her for coffee if she wants a break from her dissertation - make it sound like a friendly catch up.

 

Thing is I would probably ask her out, the only thing that stops me is the fact I haven't seen her in person for 2-3 weeks and the thought of asking her out seems a little out-the-blue. But I suppose if I don't try I'll never know. I'll give her a little longer to see if she replies and I'll try take it from there.

 

I appriciate the help so much. You too, Ninjainpajamas. Thanks!