The one who got away

[spookie]

I never got over W. I've compared him to every boyfriend, sought out his dark eyes in every room.

 

My worst fear when we broke up was not that I would not move on, but that I would. I feared the power of time to erase memories. An in 5 years, to a large extent, this has happened. I can still conjure his face in the eye of my mind, but the emotion is all but gone.

 

Our breakup was crushing, but what sustained me was the hope- the belief, that someday, we'd be reunited. That life would bring us togehter again, and this time, we would be ready. This conviction is the only thing I have ever completely believed in, the one thing I clearly remember.

 

I visited him a year ago. We took a walk one night and apologized, for the first time, for all the hurt we caused one another. The experience was so emotionally draining, that I slept for 3 days straight when I got back to Chicago. I thought that was our closure.

 

But we kept in touch. He has insisted, for the last year, that he's always wanted to have kids with me; that he loved me for a long, long time, and never really stopped.

 

A few weeks ago, I decided to push his proclmations a step further. I told him I was ready to get back togehter, but was not waiting forever for him.

 

"Let's get on with it, then," was his response.

 

We talked about where we wanted to live, and settled on a place we we have both always wanted to move to. For the last couple of weeks, we've both been looking for jobs there.

 

I know it's insane to move across the country to get back together with my college boyfriend, but at the same time, this is what I've always imagined. I'm not a dumb little girl anymore, of course I will manage the risks (aka have a good job lined up before I move) but I am really excited to see this play out.

 

Loveshack, get ready for Weirdness 2012!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yeah I don't know...that's always a tough one to asses.

 

Of course a man can always say..he wasn't ready back then, wasn't mature enough, just needed some time to grow up, I made a mistake and didn't realize what I had...yadda yadda yadda but there's a reason you're not together and didn't up together than what you remember....so it's a challenge to say the least, and hopefully you can recapture that magic in the same way it was....but as they say It'll never be the same, but maybe it can be a new beginning?

 

It depends on how well you are able to forgive and trust him again IMO, for how much he's put you through and hurt you by leaving you.

 

Regardless of what happens It needs to be something you need to do, and I can relate...I may need to learn the hard way myself, but I'll know the chances are very slim, there's a lot of work to be done...just hopefully It can be.

[jerbear]

Good luck Spookie, I've always liked you and wish you the best. it is not easy, based on your history.

 

I say take the chance, move back and see how 2012 plays out.

[Imajerk17]

I hope you at least did the right thing and broke up w your current boyfriend, eerie_reverie. He sounds like a great guy who deserves better than what you gave him.

Edited January 29, 2012 by Imajerk17

[iris219]

I never got over W. I've compared him to every boyfriend, sought out his dark eyes in every room.

 

My worst fear when we broke up was not that I would not move on, but that I would. I feared the power of time to erase memories. An in 5 years, to a large extent, this has happened. I can still conjure his face in the eye of my mind, but the emotion is all but gone.

 

Our breakup was crushing, but what sustained me was the hope- the belief, that someday, we'd be reunited. That life would bring us togehter again, and this time, we would be ready. This conviction is the only thing I have ever completely believed in, the one thing I clearly remember.

 

No, it doesn't sound like the emotion is gone. You are not allowing yourself to get over this person because you're afraid that being left with nothing is worse than the pain. I've felt this way in the past too. I was terrifed to let go because if I held on, at least I had something: the grief. But that's no way to live because you're not really living in the moment. You're stuck in the past.

 

What helped me move on was recognizing that neither of us were the same people we once were. I was dwelling on someone who no longer existed.

 

Do you have difficulty feeling extremes of emotions? By this I mean, are you generally neutral? I'm this way and because of it I wanted so badly to hold on to the pain so that at least I felt something. I was terrified of feeling nothing. I also felt like letting go was letting him down in some way. The idea of moving on made me feel guilty. I wasn't sure I deserved to be happy and I was punishing myself. I'm not sure if any of this resonates with you or not.

 

I made a conscious decision to move on by severing all contact. I lived as if he never existed and eventually it started to feel that way.

 

You can try to get back together and that might make it easier to move on when you see it's not working (or maybe it will work, who knows). You have to do something: either force yourself to move on or try again with him. Something other than obsessing over this needs to happen.

[tigressA]

I hope you at least did the right thing and broke up w your current boyfriend, eerie_reverie. He sounds like a great guy who deserves better than what you gave him.

 

Yes, I really really hope you have done this already. Your lack of empathy is alarming if you plan on treating your current BF (ex?) the way W once treated you. But now that I think of it, you already have been, what with that last thread.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Nevermind. I just hope your current-ish boyfriend has been completely dumped already.

[spookie]

About 2 weeks ago, he dropped off the face of the earth. Now, we are not really together, and he has never been the communicative type, so I'm not really sure what's going on/ what to expect. But he went from contacting me daily thru aim, to nothing at all. I've sent him one message to which he hasn't responded. I have no clue if he's been busy/ away from his computer, or if he's had a change of heart and is now avoiding me, or what.

 

I know there is no advice that I can get from here that I will take to heart, because my expiration date on this relationship is in may, and after nearly 8 years believing we will end up together, I'm not going to give up before that. But it really sucks having no idea what he's up to.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What did you do about the relationship you have been functioning in IRL? Or is that the one who disappeared?

[spookie]

What did you do about the relationship you have been functioning in IRL? Or is that the one who disappeared?

 

Lol you're too funny.

 

That's over.

[Art_Critic]

I know there is no advice that I can get from here that I will take to heart, because my expiration date on this relationship is in may, and after nearly 8 years believing we will end up together, I'm not going to give up before that. But it really sucks having no idea what he's up to.

 

 

One thing is for sure... the best predictor of future behavior is the past behavior..

So.. him not getting in touch with you for 2 weeks right now is the predictor for the future behavior..

 

Can you exist in a relationship where the person doesn't show you the respect you deserve ?

[Star Gazer]

Ummmm, what about the boyfriend you currently have??

[spookie]

Ummmm, what about the boyfriend you currently have??

 

See above. I broke it off with him.

[spookie]

One thing is for sure... the best predictor of future behavior is the past behavior..

So.. him not getting in touch with you for 2 weeks right now is the predictor for the future behavior..

 

Can you exist in a relationship where the person doesn't show you the respect you deserve ?

I dunno Art.... Every relationship where I felt I was treated with respect, I have ended because the guy failed to be w. If I can't be without him, I kinda feel like I should suck it up and learn to like being with him.

[Star Gazer]

See above. I broke it off with him.

 

When? Because you said:

 

A few weeks ago, I decided to push his proclmations a step further. I told him I was ready to get back togehter, but was not waiting forever for him.

 

But a few weeks ago, you still had a boyfriend.

[Imajerk17]

Well, spookie, there are many people who'd say you're getting prrecisely what you deserve. After cheating on your boyfriend at the time with "W" (and yes, you WERE cheating), W turns around and disappears on you. What goes around comes around.

 

You come across as so entitled on here that it's too easy to root against you. I don't know what else to tell you.

Edited February 8, 2012 by Imajerk17

[spookie]

When? Because you said:

 

 

 

But a few weeks ago, you still had a boyfriend.

 

We broke up over the weekend. He initiated it actually because I had stopped wanting to have sex. I just confirmed his suspicion that I wasn't that into it.

[Imajerk17]

We broke up over the weekend. He initiated it actually because I had stopped wanting to have sex. I just confirmed his suspicion that I wasn't that into it.

 

So you were cheating on him this entire time too. Don't you feel even a little guilty for that?

 

What if he hadnt brought it up? Would you have kept stringing him along?

[johan]

Live and learn, Spookie.

[spookie]

So you were cheating on him this entire time too. Don't you feel even a little guilty for that?

 

What if he hadnt brought it up? Would you have kept stringing him along?

 

Whatever, I didn't bang anyone else, I didn't even go on a date Simetimes it doesn't work out and my feelings were the indication. It's over now so u don't have to worry bout him.

[spookie]

Live and learn, Spookie.

 

What should I be learning? I am still predicting he pops up again. Either with so e contradicting news (I had a dream of him confessi his gf was 9 mos prgnant) or as if our fantasizing about running off together never happened, or still totally prepared to follow through.

[johan]

I don't know what you should be learning right now. Things are up in the air, so there isn't much you can really take from that. But sooner or later you'll be able to derive some kind of conclusion from it, and there will be a lesson in that.

 

I'm sure you've learned a bit about yourself in the relationship you just cut off. Not only what motivated you to even be in it in the first place, but what made you stay in it, what made you inconsistent in it, and why you pitched it only when this new/old opportunity came knocking.

 

You do come off a bit callous with respect to this latest guy. Of course, maybe that relationship wasn't all that significant, in which case you seem a little flaky. It does seem like you never let the roots get too deep.

 

I'm wouldn't judge you for any of this. But I do think there are lessons coming, and maybe you'll learn to view the guys you're with as human beings. Or you'll learn to let yourself really put some feelings into your relationships. Or both. Maybe you'll learn to pick better guys.

[Star Gazer]

We broke up over the weekend. He initiated it actually because I had stopped wanting to have sex. I just confirmed his suspicion that I wasn't that into it.

 

So, you broke up with him no more than 4 days ago, but weeks ago you were telling someone else (W) that you wanted to be with him?

 

You were cheating on him. Perhaps not physically, but definitely emotionally... from as long as a year ago, when you first pursued something with W. And you don't seem to care, at all.

 

That makes me sad.

 

You do come off a bit callous with respect to this latest guy.

 

But I do think there are lessons coming, and maybe you'll learn to view the guys you're with as human beings. Or you'll learn to let yourself really put some feelings into your relationships. Or both.

 

I really agree with this, Spook. You actually come across quite heartless when it comes to the men you bring into your life.

 

Like your other thread about comfort or stimulation, your focus is entirely on what you can get from your relationships with men, not about what you give to your relationships. It almost seems as though you continue to view men as your mere customers from years ago...

 

That also makes me sad.

[spookie]

So, you broke up with him no more than 4 days ago, but weeks ago you were telling someone else (W) that you wanted to be with him?

 

You were cheating on him. Perhaps not physically, but definitely emotionally... from as long as a year ago, when you first pursued something with W. And you don't seem to care, at all.

 

That makes me sad.

 

 

I'm not sure if you mean I've been cheating for a year. A year ago I hadn't even started dating my recent ex.

 

I don't feel great about my wandering eye, but for what it's worth, I'm not the cake-eater type. As soon as I began to think of W as a prospect, I knew it was over with the other guy. It just took me a while (a couple of weeks) to summon the courage to end it (admittedly my courage only went as far as a passive aggressive breakup).

 

I really agree with this, Spook. You actually come across quite heartless when it comes to the men you bring into your life.

 

Like your other thread about comfort or stimulation, your focus is entirely on what you can get from your relationships with men, not about what you give to your relationships. It almost seems as though you continue to view men as your mere customers from years ago...

 

That also makes me sad.

 

It is really difficult for me to be happy, and as a result, it's hard to deeply care about anyone (outside the few people I am already invested in). I probably am relatively heartless. The weird thing is, I used to be a very emotional, empathetic person. It's almost like my devastating breakup, all those years ago, used me up. I just don't feel very much anymore.

[spookie]

Update: I guess we're still on. I talked to him today, he said he's been job hunting. :bunny::bunny:

 

If we go through with it, I will have truly found my match... who moves across the country to be with his psycho college ex-gf? He is as crazy as I am.

 

I am still not totally convinced this is going to happen, but if it does... it will be such an amazing mindfcvk.

 

Back in college I'd always imagine us at various points in our lives... living together immersed in our careers in our twenties, going out to dinner to catch up and talk about our work; married and getting ready to start a family a few years later, staying up late to talk about how we want to raise our kids; living in a big house somewhere remote once they come along, maybe running a business together (we have complementary educations). There is no one else I've ever wanted to share my life with, no one else I've ever met with a similar outlook and goals.

Edited February 10, 2012 by spookie