BF flirts with attractive women all the time

[Tres]

My BF, 53 y.o is an very attractive man who has been divorced for 3 years.

He told me that his wife did not want to have sex with him and he had cheated on her a lot during the marriage.

 

He tells me that he is ready for a LTR or a marriage now.

He is very romantic and tells me that he is in love with me very much.

He also tells me that I am special and beautiful to him.

 

The strange thing is that when we go out, he pays a lot of attention to every beautiful young girl who happens to be around. He looks at them a lot. When the beautiful girls talk to him, he looks so excited and flirts too much.

I feel stupied, jealous and helpless when he does that. He does it only with really beautiful women. It is obvious that he likes and wants them.

 

I love him and he is perfect for me in many ways. But, I feel unhappy and helpless because of his insensitivity.

 

Any suggestion or explanation of his insensitive behavior? Why can not he

control his sexual impulses towards other women when he is with me?

 

What can I do to change the unpleasant situation?

[Philosoraptor]

Flirting is only an issue with intent. Some people are natural flirts who do not even realize they are doing anything.

 

With this in mind his behavior does not seem to fit that bill and this would be an issue with me as well. He seems to need the attention of too many women. His reasoning I do not know, but I would not accept it.

 

Have you talked to him about this?

[bean1]

My BF, 53 y.o is an very attractive man who has been divorced for 3 years.

He told me that his wife did not want to have sex with him and he had cheated on her a lot during the marriage.

Any suggestion or explanation of his insensitive behavior? Why can not he

control his sexual impulses towards other women when he is with me?

 

What can I do to change the unpleasant situation?

 

Well, he's not going to do it for a wife, he is surely not going to do it for a girlfriend. He has told you what kind of man he is, you just don't seem to want to hear/accept it - he's 53 - he's not going to change.

 

The only thing you can do to change this situation is to leave. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear but if a man tells you what he is and you refuse to believe him, then you only have yourself to blame for staying.

[blueskyday]

Run. He is still a cheater, IMO. Look at his behavior. Would he take one of these women up on an offer of sex?

 

It's one thing to glance at a woman. It's another thing, and over the line, to gawk and flirt, and drool over one. Especially while you are sitting right there. I bet you don't feel very special when he does that.

 

Is that your pic in your avatar? You are beautiful. He's lucky to have you, and for more than your looks, I'm sure.

 

Throw him back in the water and get a guy who respects women, and you. I've been where you are. Those guys don't change. Be thankful you have been shown who he is so you can decide what you want to do.

 

Most likely, if his behavior changed, you would only see compliance. There wouldn't be a change in his belief system or in his heart. That's the only kind of change you can really trust.

 

Don't hold your breath. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Get a new puppy.

[Tres]

Flirting is only an issue with intent. Some people are natural flirts who do not even realize they are doing anything.

 

With this in mind his behavior does not seem to fit that bill and this would be an issue with me as well. He seems to need the attention of too many women. His reasoning I do not know, but I would not accept it.

 

Have you talked to him about this?

 

I did not talk to him.

But, he has noticed my attitude toward his flirting.

I guess I have to talk about that. But, I do not know how to talk about that. I do not want to look needy, insecure and jealous.

[Philosoraptor]

He has a history of cheating. There is nothing insecure about flirting at this point. It's a habit that you surely want to make sure is gone long before you have any sort of commitment with him.

[Tres]

Well, he's not going to do it for a wife, he is surely not going to do it for a girlfriend. He has told you what kind of man he is, you just don't seem to want to hear/accept it - he's 53 - he's not going to change.

 

The only thing you can do to change this situation is to leave. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear but if a man tells you what he is and you refuse to believe him, then you only have yourself to blame for staying.

 

He cheated on his wife because she did not want to have sex with him at all. It was very difficult for him to live without sex for many years.

 

But, I have sex with him and please him sexually in any way he wants.

[bean1]

He cheated on his wife because she did not want to have sex with him at all. It was very difficult for him to live without sex for many years.

 

But, I have sex with him and please him sexually in any way he wants.

 

So, instead of divorcing her, he just had sex with other women instead? He has shown and told you that he will just cheat on you rather than try to work through issues or leave you. He would rather cheat and deceive. He has a character flaw.

 

If you think having sex will prevent a man from cheating on you then perhaps you should read the cheating & infidelity sections here, and read it straight from the cheaters themselves.

 

Hey Tres, he has shown you and told you who he is and what he is. If you turn a blind eye then that is your problem. If you are asking how to change a 53 year old man then that is the blindest eye of all. He is who he is.

[blueskyday]

Check yourself. You are making excuses for him. This is a red flag for you to notice in yourself.

 

Justfying bad behavior with a reason doesn't make the action go away.

 

Cheating is always the fault of the cheater. It is their SOLE decision to do so. The state of the relationship is often the fault of both, but cheating is the WRONG behavior.

 

If I'm mad at my friend, that's ok. Not okay to take out a a two by four and smack her in the head with it. Do you think I could really convince my new friend that it was because I was "mad?"

 

A feeling doesn't justfiy an action. There is a line there. See it?

 

He has a past history of cheating. He should be showing you respect out a concern that YOU might be worried he hasn't fixed his underlying reasons for cheating. But he's not. He is still acting selfishly. That's the attitude that lead to cheating.

 

Selfishness is a deal breaker in a relationship, yes? Tip of the iceberg here. I'm sure his selfishness is legendary.

 

Don't make excuses for bad behavior. It starts with that and ends with you twisting yourself into a little box so you can deal with his crappy outlook that he should be working on.

[Tres]

So, instead of divorcing her, he just had sex with other women instead? He has shown and told you that he will just cheat on you rather than try to work through issues or leave you. He would rather cheat and deceive. He has a character flaw.

 

If you think having sex will prevent a man from cheating on you then perhaps you should read the cheating & infidelity sections here, and read it straight from the cheaters themselves.

 

Hey Tres, he has shown you and told you who he is and what he is. If you turn a blind eye then that is your problem. If you are asking how to change a 53 year old man then that is the blindest eye of all. He is who he is.

 

 

I do not know if he has ever cheated on me.

Also, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

He is special to me in many ways.

[blueskyday]

Ahh, we've lost you.

 

I really have been where you are, with the same kind of guy. You want to see the best in him. Nobody is all good, or all bad. You see the good and want to amplify it.

 

You want to trust him, of course.

 

The question is, does he deserve it? Is he ACTING trustworthy?

[EnigmaticClarity]

I did not talk to him.

But, he has noticed my attitude toward his flirting.

I guess I have to talk about that. But, I do not know how to talk about that. I do not want to look needy, insecure and jealous.

 

If he has noticed it and still does it, that's another red flag. You shouldn't fear looking insecure--you'd have to be stupid to NOT be insecure. Be what you are, what he's making you be--anything else is you enabling him by suppressing yourself. If he evades and deflects, that's yet ANOTHER red flag. If he does that, ask him that if he won't even own up to his behavior while you're dating, and he's cheated on his previous wife, what reason do you have to believe he won't do it to you, too? Yes, you're different than his ex and he's getting more of what he wants--but it could be he wants the sexual freedom and reinforcement of multiple women while enjoying the benefits of a committed relationship.

 

Does he take responsibility for what he did to his ex-wife as being wrong? Your attitude here is that he had a reason to cheat because they weren't having sex--but if you show him that same accepting attitude, you're showing him that you're accepting of cheating. No sex with his ex-wife is reason for DIVORCE, not cheating. If you're not showing him his cheating was wrong, and he doesn't truly and honestly regret it himself--you've got zero reason to think he won't do it again.

 

I disagree with the others that he's incapable of change--but it's absolutely true the odds are against him changing. You have to be extremely skeptical that he will change and seek concrete evidence he won't cheat on you. Right now, you haven't expressed anything in the thread that should lead you to believe he won't cheat on you again. You giving him what he wants isn't enough, particularly given his behavior around other women.

Edited January 13, 2012 by EnigmaticClarity

[vsmini]

I did not talk to him.

But, he has noticed my attitude toward his flirting.

I guess I have to talk about that. But, I do not know how to talk about that. I do not want to look needy, insecure and jealous.

 

This is what I don't understand. People have NEEDS so don't be ashamed of them.... You want a man to who is faithful and respectful so that's what you need. I don't care if I look needy - to hell with it. I require that my man's eyes don't wander to the point of disrespect and I'm not ashamed of it.

[vsmini]

I do not know if he has ever cheated on me.

Also, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

He is special to me in many ways.

 

Well here's the kicker Tres. There are guys out there that can be just as special to you and also be the best thing that has ever happened to you...only they won't have a history of cheating and disrespect you constantly by looking at other women.

 

If THIS guy is the best thing that has happened to you....you're doing something wrong or have some low self esteem.

[shayla]

Believing that expressing your needs in a relationship is needy or foolish is a game that some man, somewhere has played with you so that you would stay silent while he stomped all over your boundaries.

 

Every person has the right to express what they need. If you need for a man to show you respect and not drool all over women in front of you, you need to say that. If he chooses to ignore your request, you have your answer to the character of this man.

 

My ex had a habit of doing this also, and because I was 45 and scared, I wasted 3 years of my life thinking that he was okay besides his flirting.

 

In my experience, cheaters lie, so the story of what his wife didn't do is probably isn't true.

[Untouchable_Fire]

He cheated on his wife because she did not want to have sex with him at all. It was very difficult for him to live without sex for many years.

But, I have sex with him and please him sexually in any way he wants.

 

How old are you?

 

I've been in a marriage with no sex before. It CAN drive even the best guy out cheating. The thing is that it isn't just about sex... it's about the emotional validation of your attractiveness.

 

Clearly he isn't over it yet.

 

I do not know if he has ever cheated on me.

Also, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

He is special to me in many ways.

 

Cheating or not, hitting on other women is simply disrespectful... in a massive way!

 

You need to really put some thought into this relationship. If you get burned... it's your own fault. There are so many red flags here.

[Tres]

There are many men who cheat on their GFs/wives, but the GFs/wives are not aware of that. They are not aware of that because the men go online secretly or do the things some other way secretly. I guess the men have some respect for their women because they do not hurt their feelings.

 

But, my man flirts with other women in front of me. Therefore, I am aware of his sexual desires and I get hurt.

 

Another terrible thing is that my ex-husband was exactly this way. He flirted with girls in front of me and he did not hide the fact that he cheated on me.

I was so so so happy when I had finally divorced him.

I can not believe that the new perfect guy is the same way about flirting like my ex.

[vsmini]

There are many men who cheat on their GFs/wives, but the GFs/wives are not aware of that. They are not aware of that because the men go online secretly or do the things some other way secretly. I guess the men have some respect for their women because they do not hurt their feelings.

 

But, my man flirts with other women in front of me. Therefore, I am aware of his sexual desires and I get hurt.

 

Another terrible thing is that my ex-husband was exactly this way. He flirted with girls in front of me and he did not hide the fact that he cheated on me.

I was so so so happy when I had finally divorced him.

I can not believe that the new perfect guy is the same way about flirting like my ex.

 

You sound completely clueless on what a healthy relationship should be. You don't seem to be getting what we're telling you therefore I hope people stop wasting their time on this thread - if you don't get it now...you're never going to.

 

BTW - if you think this guy you're with is perfect yet simultaneously hurting you with his behavior...well...just more proof in the pudding that you have no clue.

 

Sorry - but it had to be said. It's better than humoring you with advice that will fall on deaf ears.

[Tres]

How old are you?

 

I've been in a marriage with no sex before. It CAN drive even the best guy out cheating. The thing is that it isn't just about sex... it's about the emotional validation of your attractiveness.

 

Clearly he isn't over it yet.

 

I am in 40s.

Why does he do it when he is with me?

[make me believe]

Why does he do it when he is with me?

 

Because he doesn't respect you and he knows you'll put up with it.

[EnigmaticClarity]

You sound completely clueless on what a healthy relationship should be. You don't seem to be getting what we're telling you therefore I hope people stop wasting their time on this thread - if you don't get it now...you're never going to.

 

BTW - if you think this guy you're with is perfect yet simultaneously hurting you with his behavior...well...just more proof in the pudding that you have no clue.

 

Sorry - but it had to be said. It's better than humoring you with advice that will fall on deaf ears.

 

Tough words and a sad situation, but I agree completely.

[verhrzn]

How old are you?

 

I've been in a marriage with no sex before. It CAN drive even the best guy out cheating. The thing is that it isn't just about sex... it's about the emotional validation of your attractiveness.

 

Clearly he isn't over it yet.

 

I agree that lack of sex within a marriage can drive anyone bonkers. However, I've always believed that cheating is the last resort. If a person isn't getting their sexual needs met in a relationship/marriage, they should:

-talk with their partner

-make sure their partner has had a full physical check up (it's amazing how much hormones and disease can screw with our sex drives)

-go to counseling

-if they've tried the above, or their partner refuses to try the above, ask your partner for an open relationship

-divorce/break-up

-cheat ONLY if you've tried all of the above, and for some reason divorce is not an option (they're ill and need your health insurance is pretty much the only reason I can ever think that divorce would be awful.... children CAN survive perfectly in tact through divorce so long as both parties are mature about it.)

 

If a person hasn't followed the above steps, then whatever reason they come up with cheating is just an excuse, one that they will continue to lean on in the relationships that follow.

 

The guy has already demonstrated he has no problem flirting with 'young beautiful' women in front of you. If the guy was just a charming flirt, he'd flirt with everyone else... the fact that he's choosing 'young beautiful' women in particular shows that it's really about validation and ego.

 

Now, maybe he is absolutely perfect for you in every other way. IF that's the case, then you need to ask yourself if you can put up with his flirting. Heck, if you can put up with his cheating (since it's like a 95% chance he's going to cheat on you as well if you're together long enough.) If you can accept that that (flirting/non-monogamy) is the price of admission to be with this guy, then you have your answer. If you cannot accept those terms, you either need to discuss the issue with him, or leave him to his young and beautiful women.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am in 40s.

Why does he do it when he is with me?

 

It's a serious lack of respect. At this point... you may have to consider the idea that no 1 woman can meet his emotional needs. He may require much more validation than you can provide.

 

I was thinking you would be early 20's. Most women age 40 know not to put up with this kind of thing. However, I can see you have been forced to feel like this is kind of normal by your ex.

 

When I'm in love... other women cease to matter.

[salparadise]

I hope these posts are not falling on deaf ears. Tres, you really do need to be assertive now, stand up and demand the respect that you deserve. Start by scheduling a sit-down with him. That will set the tone that you're about to take control of the situation. Then just lay it on the line. Something to the effect of –– flirting with other women in my presence, or otherwise is unacceptable. My ex did that and I'm not about to say with another man that does the same thing. Then look him in the eye and ask him to repeat back what he just heard you say. Then ask him point blank if he is capable of remaining faithful to you for the rest of his life, and watch his body language as he responds. You will be establishing your boundaries and asserting both yourself and the conditions for the relationship. Don't be needy- be assertive.

 

Now, whether or not he is the worthless-cheating-scumbag that previous posters automatically conclude is something you need to assess for yourself. I don't believe the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' crap because it simply isn't true. There are many one timers in the world that just made one mistake, have reformed previous patterns, or are in different relationships that they are totally committed to. It's important that you figure this out quickly and so you can cut your losses and move on if he's not able to keep himself only unto you.

[Tres]

Thank you for all answers. It was helpful.