dave22 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 So I have been good friends with this girl for over a year now. About six months ago, shortly after she broke up with her ex-boyfriend, we had a short (one month) but very passionate fling. She ended it saying it was going too fast, she was falling in love with me and she wasn't ready for another serious relationship. We continued to see each other often (her idea and I couldn't help but go along with it. I was in love with her at this point and really believed that I could convince her to change he mind once she had some more time). At some point I admitted to her I was still in love with her, she said it still wasn't a good time. We continued as friends, but finally, a month later I couldn't take it any more and said we either had to be in a relationship or we couldn't see each other anymore. We had an argument over it, she said I wasn't giving her enough space, that after we had talked she had been hoping it would work out but I wasn't giving her enough time to fall in love with me. We didn't see each other for a few weeks and very cautiously we started talking to each other and agreed we would see each other occasionally when other people were around and then see what happened. She started flirting with me a lot which I took as a good sign. A couple of days ago we spent some time together and had a good time, I thought. At one point she grabbed my arm as we were walking side by side. Another time she held my hand, for a few moments. Yesterday, while with a mutual friend, we had a moment alone and she told me how much she had missed me and gave me a big hug, her head on my shoulder. I told her how I had missed her too. The opportunity to talk about it or do anything more never came up after that. Tonight I called her and asked if she wanted to do something Friday night, she hesitated and said yes if we were with friends. I am about ready to give up and tell her we can't see each other anymore. It is hard because I have never felt this way about anyone before and I was really in love with her for a long time. I still know I could be again. It seems it could be so close to happening, but then again it has seemed like that before. I thought maybe she just wasn't ready and if I was patient enough she would come around, but I am not sure about that now. I want to keep trying for a while longer, but I am just not sure if I have the energy to do it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Pizzaman81 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Ok... first off 2 things happening at this moment that ultimately is making this fall harder than Charlie Sheen. 1. She JUST broke up 2. She is unintentionally playing around with your feelings giving you mixed signals What you must do: 1. Back off, act like a normal friend, don't obsess, and give her time 2. Tell her to stop grabbing your arm, hand, and any other body part until she has time to recover from breakup 3. Live your life, don't get caught up on it, look and talk to other women And IF she is ready again and IF you are still single at the time, re-consider current approach. Done, BYE Link to post Share on other sites
njruns Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 How long was she with her ex for? If for a while, that isn't too long of a time to move right into another relationship that quickly. I just got outta a 7 yr relationship and I was not ready for anything for at least 4 months or so. It sounds like either she is still contemplating the ex (going back) or she just needs time to be alone/not serious after the breakup, which is totally understandable. Sounds like she likes you, though. I'd say, date other people and once she sees she might lose you to someone else, then she may come to realize what she may lose and get closer to you. Right now, she's probably thinking you'll hang around and wait around. Link to post Share on other sites
Seneca Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 What you must do: 1. Back off, act like a normal friend, don't obsess, and give her time 2. Tell her to stop grabbing your arm, hand, and any other body part until she has time to recover from breakup 3. Live your life, don't get caught up on it, look and talk to other women And IF she is ready again and IF you are still single at the time, re-consider current approach. Done, BYE I would have to agree with Pizzaman. Except I think for number 2 that can be an exception to the rule if you can both handle it. I don't understand your need to be in a relationship? Why is there so much importance placed on being "IN" a relationship? Why not just hang out with her, enjoy her company, and be romantically involved as friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dave22 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 Why not just hang out with her, enjoy her company, and be romantically involved as friends? I wouldn't mind that at this point, although I am not sure if she would go any further than she has romantically. The problem is I think she sees me as someone she would want to have something serious with (she did tell me this once). We have talked about it and we both have trouble just having a casual type of relationship. It seems like whenever she gets closer I want more and she starts to distance herself. I then get frustrated and start to distance myself and she starts to want to get closer. But she never wants to go any further than we have (other than that brief period of time a few months ago). Link to post Share on other sites
insertnamehere Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I think you just need to lay it out to her and explain that you're not going to wait. Brooding is no excuse for missing out on life. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I'd be curious to know why she and her ex broke up. Was it a similar pattern? Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 It seems like whenever she gets closer I want more and she starts to distance herself. I then get frustrated and start to distance myself and she starts to want to get closer. But she never wants to go any further than we have (other than that brief period of time a few months ago). My take is that while she is attracted to you at some level, a) it's not enough of an attraction for her to want to pursue a relationship with you (regardless of what she previously said) and b) her fling with you was an exit strategy out of her relationship -- not the foundation of anything with you. Hence the backing off and the request to only hang out with other friends present. She's not afraid of her feelings; she knows she doesn't want to date you, but she's afraid to tell you that and the impact that revelation would have on your friendship and how much attention you pay to her. But the dynamic here has likely been permanently altered by you having sex, so you should clear with her about what you want, then stop waiting and move on if (when) she responds vaguely. You have to stop focusing on her, as difficult as that seems currently. Link to post Share on other sites
Seneca Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 The problem is I think she sees me as someone she would want to have something serious with (she did tell me this once). We have talked about it and we both have trouble just having a casual type of relationship. It seems like whenever she gets closer I want more and she starts to distance herself. I then get frustrated and start to distance myself and she starts to want to get closer. But she never wants to go any further than we have (other than that brief period of time a few months ago). "The problem is I think she sees me as someone she would want to have something serious with". Why is this a problem? Have you asked yourself what is she really afraid of? She says she doesn't want to fall in love too fast. That is the surface level of the problem... Why doesn't she want to fall in love too fast? What is the root of her fears? Is she scared to get hurt? You have to rationalize her real fears. Understand her feelings, empathize with her and put aside your wants. You want more then what she can obviously give at the moment. If you can't find the middle ground. Then following #3 on Pizzaman81s advice is best for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dave22 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 I'd be curious to know why she and her ex broke up. Was it a similar pattern? She was in a long distance relationship for a couple of years and they had seen each other only once in over a year. So I guess it became obvious it wasn't going to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dave22 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 "The problem is I think she sees me as someone she would want to have something serious with". Why is this a problem? Have you asked yourself what is she really afraid of? She says she doesn't want to fall in love too fast. That is the surface level of the problem... Why doesn't she want to fall in love too fast? What is the root of her fears? Is she scared to get hurt? More recently she has told me she doesn't want something serious yet, although she wants to be soon. So I guess I have been hoping she will come around soon. Honestly, though, I have started to think that I coud have something less serious with her. But I don't know how to bring it up with her. If you can't find the middle ground. Then following #3 on Pizzaman81s advice is best for the both of you. The problem is our lives are so intertwined now with common friends and activities and plans we have made for over the next couple of months. Link to post Share on other sites
Seneca Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Honestly, though, I have started to think that I coud have something less serious with her. But I don't know how to bring it up with her. Something less serious is saying that you are open to being friends with benefits. But it would also mean you have to be open to let her do what she wants. Including dating other men, since you would not be exclusive to each other. But that also gives you the freedom to date other women as well. The problem is our lives are so intertwined now with common friends and activities and plans we have made for over the next couple of months. Plans are never set in stone. You do have the choice to make your own plans. Link to post Share on other sites
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 So I have been good friends with this girl for over a year now. About six months ago, shortly after she broke up with her ex-boyfriend, we had a short (one month) but very passionate fling. She ended it saying it was going too fast, she was falling in love with me and she wasn't ready for another serious relationship. The fling was passionate to you but not to her. If it was passionate to her then she wouldn't have rejected you. Tonight I called her and asked if she wanted to do something Friday night, she hesitated and said yes if we were with friends. She's hesitating and she only wants to see you with other people. That's a bad sign. She's no longer comfortable around you. She doesn't like you the way you like her. I am about ready to give up and tell her we can't see each other anymore. It is hard because I have never felt this way about anyone before and I was really in love with her for a long time. I still know I could be again. It seems it could be so close to happening, but then again it has seemed like that before. I thought maybe she just wasn't ready and if I was patient enough she would come around, but I am not sure about that now. I want to keep trying for a while longer, but I am just not sure if I have the energy to do it anymore. No dude, you gotta move on. Sorry to say but she will not come around to your line of thinking. That brief fling was all she was going to give you. Link to post Share on other sites
Seneca Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 (edited) Tonight I called her and asked if she wanted to do something Friday night, she hesitated and said yes if we were with friends. She's hesitating and she only wants to see you with other people. That's a bad sign. She's no longer comfortable around you. She doesn't like you the way you like her.What oxy says has some truth to it. I actually have a girl friend who did the exact same thing. She is a sweet girl and didn't know how to come across rejecting someone... Edited December 7, 2011 by Seneca Link to post Share on other sites
Author dave22 Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 Ok... first off 2 things happening at this moment that ultimately is making this fall harder than Charlie Sheen. 1. She JUST broke up 2. She is unintentionally playing around with your feelings giving you mixed signals What you must do: 1. Back off, act like a normal friend, don't obsess, and give her time 2. Tell her to stop grabbing your arm, hand, and any other body part until she has time to recover from breakup 3. Live your life, don't get caught up on it, look and talk to other women And IF she is ready again and IF you are still single at the time, re-consider current approach. Done, BYE Maybe you are right. I was thinking of how it was before we got together last summer and how we used to flirt and how I was attracted to her, but I was reluctant to get involved with her. It worked because I had nothing to lose. So I guess backing off and living my life is not such a bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Pizzaman81 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 The problem is our lives are so intertwined now with common friends and activities and plans we have made for over the next couple of months. No dude, i'm just saying... doesn't matter if it's intertwined. Can't you still talk to other women and look else where? Link to post Share on other sites
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 He's been hopelessly friendzoned. He's too far gone to talk to anyone til she definitely rejects him. Link to post Share on other sites
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