Dating a man with 3 kids, two ex's

[hopeful15]

First let me say thank you in advance to all of you that are going to be helping me in a very hard and difficult part of my life. I am going to try and make this as short as possible, but need to include all of the details so you can get the full picture of my situation. Please don't let the length of this prevent you from responding. I could really really use any and all advice I can get. I'm just at a loss right now....

 

I'm 29 years old and I am dating a 39 year old who has three kids by two different women. One is an ex-wife, one is an ex-gf. I met him in Jan 2010 on the train home for work. He worked for the train company. He approached me and asked me to come talk to him. I was shy and didnt go, but decided the next day that I was going to. Everyday after that we spoke on the train and learned more about eachother. I was very much into him after some time of getting to know him. I asked him if he has ever had kids or been married and he said no (lie #1). He did admit that currently his ex-gf lives with him and is in the process of moving out. That was definitely a red flag to me. I asked why and he said that they made a deal that once she was out of school that December she was going to move out. As far as I know they were not together and he was just allowing this to happen as part of their "deal". We liked eachother alot and we tried our best to hang out, but his schedule was very hard with work. He worked nights and Saturdays. Sunday was his only day off. I would generally only see him on the train. Obviously i was never able to go to his house for obvious reasons, but I was glad for that, I didnt want to get involved in that situation with her being there.

 

We started officially dating in Oct 2011 because the ex moved out early. For TWO months I was not allowed to come over to his house. He told me that she did not respect his place and he wanted to fix a few things because he didnt want me to have a negative impression of his home. I found it odd, but decided to be understanding. I asked him if he still speaks to his ex and he said no (lie #2). I finally get to go to his house and we hang out. We were mostly in the living room and kitchen, we didnt go upstairs for some reason. I never stayed the night there.

 

Three months into our relationship and we are at my place. He gets a text and the reaction on his face bothers me. I asked who it was and he was avoiding the question. He then gets up and says "well I guess this was going to have to come out at some point". He then tells me after dating for three months, that he has three children with two woman and has been married before. I can't describe what I was feeling at that moment. I couldnt believe it. I started to cry and he said he was sorry. He said he needed to take a drive and just get some air. He ended up driving home. It was hard for me to look past this lie, but I decided that i was going to try and deal with it. Now I'm going to be honest, I am a giver, I am very understanding & patient, I am a lover not a fighter. I have always been the type that does anything and everything for her man and puts him first.

 

Now that he tells me that he has kids, I have to go back and tell my FAMILY that what i told them about him is actually a LIE and he DOES have kids. Why am I doing this you ask? Because I fell so hard within those first 9 months of knowing him. I was hooked. Telling my family was one of the most difficult things I have done and I took the blame telling them I was nervous to say something at first becuase I didnt know where the relationship was going.

 

Fast forward a year later....I am now very close with kids (5, 7 & 14). He has a 5 & 7 year old with her and generally get them every Sunday (his only day off). I have never met the ex-gf because in all honestly she is incompetent, selfish and simply just is not a good person. She has moved three times in 4 months, the kids have been in three schools. She forgets to pick them up, is always changing the schedule last minute. She texts him at 2am, its just complete madness. When I say something he say "I have children with her!" and makes it seem like what I am saying is against the children, when in reality my issue is NOT the children, it is her. It is the control she has, how her poor decisions effect him and our relationship and how she has no respect for his time or our relationship together. They broke up because she cheated on him with a man he works with, so she has even effected his work-life. Now over the past year since he has told me about the kids, I have given him about $10,000 to either help him pay things, fix the house, etc. I go shopping for the house every Friday before I come over so we have groceries there. I have been the most supportive loving girlfriend I can be. I am there for him 100%, he does not go without, I do whatever I can. I am finally at a point where I am just emotionally and physically burned out. I have given and given and have been patient and understanding and I just don't feel like it is being reciprocated. I always have to make the effort to see him. He says he is going to come over to my place and never does bc he is "tired" after work. I rarely get time with him, I can't tell him how I am feeling because he gets frustrated, the situation with the kids is a complete mess and there is no structure. I feel like I just get the "left-over" time. As I think about a life with him, I just dont know if I can be happy. He has told me numerous times that he wants to marry me and wants everything with me. He says that eventhough he has been married and has kids, he still have never experience a successful marriage and a real family life with someone he loves. I love him so much, and I would never go thru all that I have if I didnt love him, but I am just at a loss at this point. I know I deserve to be treated well, I deserve to be listened to, my feelings do count and he has a responsibility as my boyfriend to make me happy. My friends & family are always telling me that they see a change in me and I dont seem myself. I was always such a strong person and now I am in a situation that I never ever thought I would be in. Just don't know what to do, or how to handle at this point

[Lobouspo]

The lies and deception early on should have been your first cue to bail on this guy. It sounds like you are being used. He may care for you but you are doing all the work. Thats alot of baggage to take on at your age. This one sounds easy leave this guy and find someone compatible who will give you the love you deserve. Yes you will miss the kids and even the relationship but you will be saving yourself from even more heartache down the road. Lean on friends and family and Loveshack for support and consider getting into therapy. You are in the prime of your life, and understand that just because we have chemistry with some people does not mean we are compatible with the same person. Good luck to you and be strong

[kaleidoscope]

Why do you love him again?

 

You're a giver and I understand how much you wanted to do all this for him, including financially.

 

But tell us please why you love him? What makes him so great?

 

Ok, he lied on a few big things. Things CAN be forgiven but I don't understand why:

 

1) He has a job. Why the hell should you help pay for things. What kind of a man who has a job is willing to take money from his girlfriend?

 

2) He is still in touch with his ex unnecessarily. They have kids together but make the interaction formal. Make it clear when and how they are supposed to communicate.

 

This is sad.

 

I have personally seen a woman do almost the same thing as you. Financially supporting a guy who had children. And she also felt like she was being shortchanged with attention.

 

This is NOT the vision you had for your relationship.

 

Trust me WORDs are not the answer. He needs ACTIONs.

 

You need to make your needs clear to him and either he will respond or else you should be outta there.

 

God, there are lots of guys who would love to have a woman with your unselfish attitude. (like me lol).

 

And they would reciprocate.

 

Take it day by day but be serious about things or else you'll get trapped into this cycle of helping, not getting anything in return!

 

You teach people how to treat you and it seems he's got the idea that its OK to just receive what you give and not get anything back!

 

Its not fair. Don't let people get away with that.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

This is called 'life experience'. You've learned a whole bunch of things all wrapped up in one short relationship which will greatly benefit you in your future. Thank this person for those lessons and bid him fond farewell and move forward to find a man who is as equally giving and loving and honest and faithful as you appear to be.

[hopeful15]

Thank you all so much for your advice. I have to say it matches what most people have told me that I am close to. I have had 3 serious relationships that have lasted 1-3 years each. I am not a speed dater and I give my all to be a good partner. Financially he is in a tough spot because of the following: 1) his ex ran up the bills in the house thet lived in together, 2) he has debt that he is paying off, 3) he has three kids that he supports. I felt as being a true partner, I have to help him in crisis and be there to support him and that is why I support him financially when he needs me to.

 

Why do I love him? I love him because of all the good days we have, the connection, the laughing, the way he wants to introduce me to everyone he knows and tell them how happy I make him, the way we have fun even if we are sitting watching TV. I do cherish those monents, but question whether that is enough & frequent enough. He has called me selfish many times and it breaks my heart because I have honestly been selfless the whole time. He came out of a relationship where a woman cheated on him, broke his family, and ran up the bills, and he wants to call ME selfish? You would think he would appreciate me that much more bc of what he was involved with before me.

 

I do everything for the man and when I get frustarted I name some of the things as examples to show him that all of those things come from love & true partnership. His response is generally, "dont ask for credit when you do things out of the goodness of your heart." He totally misses the point.

 

The way can put it is this....the relationship works for him bc I make it work. He has never gone without, he has never been stuck without my help, he has never lacked support. I just feel like since he brings all of this baggage, he is a HUGE part of making this work. He needs to find the balance between being a bf and all of his other commitments. Just bc I dont have kids doesnt make me or my needs less important, but when I think about it, I am the only "non-permanent" commitment of his and therefore it seems like I pay for his hectic life the most.

[Carm]

Hi Hopeful,

 

I'm just putting in my 2 cents for what it's worth. I was in a 4 year relationship with a man that I caught in a lie about 9 months into the relationship.....not as big as what your bf told you but nonetheless significant. I was very upset but I loved him and got over it.

 

The lies kept filtering out though, they were innocent ones but never did I ever imagine what a cobweb of lies my ex spun. I'm sure there may have been a kernel of truth in some of them which made him totally believable.

 

At the end of the day, the man was a liar and cheater.

 

From this lesson, I learned the following. Any man I date who lies to me even a small one, I'm done with them.

 

For every lie you've caught him in, take it from me there are plenty more.

[kaleidoscope]

When you said "dont ask for credit when you do things out of the goodness of your heart. He totally misses the point."

 

I know very well people with that logic. It doesn't have to be your partner. It could be a family member or friend that you loaned money to and they are like almost angry when you bring it up right?

 

I don't believe these people are TRYING to be bad but this weird logic on their side makes them think they are ENTITLED to what you give them. And they don't give back.

 

This attitude has ruined a few of my family relationships and a number of friendships.

 

You're the giver and they want you to keep giving. And they will keep on taking.

 

Unless they change. But change is hard. Most people won't put in the hard work to change.

 

I don't know if he is open to relationship counseling. I doubt it because he doesn't seem to want to put any effort into the relationship.

 

This is a tough spot for you because I know you love him.