my ex won't let go and won't be with me either... guys, i need your help

[Moonshade]

can you guys help me understand why the guy i am involved in is behaving the way he is and most importantly - WHAT CAN I DO???

 

here is my story: i met him (let's call him Dan), six months ago, through a good friend of mine. she was moving and so i was there to help. so was Dan. the attraction between Dan and myself was immediate; there were sparks... we could laugh together, talk... two days later he asked me out, and after that for a brief period we had an amazingly romantic time. i had my reservations, as i have been burned before, whereas he had recently had a streak of bad luck and troublesome relations (not of the romantic kind) and that had left him hurt and recovering. Dan was interested in a serious relation, as was i; also, i am a rather intense kind of person, and the more reserved men might find it offputting. but Dan seemed to be at least as intense as i. so everything seemed to be going pretty well... pretty steamy actually.

 

and then came the crash. Dan stared going to counselling, which he had planned to do, to deal with the feelings of the setbacks he had experienced. then he became really depressed and introvert. i didn't have any problem with that at all, i wanted to be supportive and wanted him to tell me how i could help. but that which followed made little sense - first of all he withdrew more and more and more... eventually i got a sms once a week or so (ok, so the guy didn't want to show himself weak to me... i get that, but this gets stranger...). that was disappointing, but i accepted it. secondly, i discovered that he wasn't shunning all human contact, oh no, he was spending excessive ammounts of time with his parents, his cousins, and even some friends... which he claimed was very straining for him. fine, demanding parents, it happens, but the things is... his parents and i have met, and it seemed very odd to me that they never invited me over, when they invited Dan's friends to be there for support, or that Dan never suggested that i should tag along if him and a cousin went to see a film or hung out... i could still live with that, although it made me a little sore... i did meet him on some occassion or so, and we had great time when we were together, but he would have plans for other people the same night, which made our meetingss short and abrupt, whereas i felt as if he was intentionally avoiding to be with me for more than a couple of hours. i told him that if he feels like taking time off, and cutting me lose, he should say so, instead of keeping me hanging... oh, no he totally refused to let me go. no way.

 

but the thing that blew me away was this... we came to a point where we had very little contact. then, repeatedly, he took initiative to invite himself over, or meet me some place (i did not make any demands at all...), and then stood me up each time. no message, no call, no nothing... he could call and say - i'm coming over in two hours, and never show or call, not even afterwards. so, a month later, i was really angry. one day i lost it and confronted him... that i could tolerate many things, but not such weird mind games. he came up with some really lame excuses, such as "but i did... or didn't i?", stuff like that... so we had a fight, i left him a message, but he never replied.

 

what could i do? i went on with my life, although i missed him. two months passed, and then Dan called. called to apologize for his previous behavior, to say that it was in fact wrong and hurtful. i couldn't really accept his apology then, although i did send him a message on christmas, saying that i do forgive him, no hard feelings. nothing more. he called, he insisted on meeting me, which i went along with.

 

we talked through the things that were, and he claimed that he was now doing better and that he will fight to get me back... bla bla bla... after that we talked a couple of times, set a date, but he got sick, and since then it's been going downhill as previously. this time he has no moodswings to blame it on, and i refuse to strain myself and come running after him, which i made very clear to him. it seems to me that it's the same story repeating... this time it's some relative visiting, he has the flu, but apparently still enough time to be with his parents, his cousin, some friend or other... i could just let it go...

 

but i don't get it!!! what is this guy doing??? this time there is no pressure, no expectations from my side... i have none. i made it as clear as it can be. why does he have to say that he is going to get me back and act differently and then do the same old thing (if he tried sweettalking me to get me into bed, that would make him human, but we haven't done it since our break months earlier...). why hold onto me if he was no time or intentions of meeting me, dating me, being with me is some way???? he can't possibly think that he can finish managing friends and relatives and parents and then be with me... those people will always be there... but i won't.

 

do you get him???

[yes]

i don't get it either. but counselling can have pretty big effects on the person, so that can explain the old episode. but certainly not the fact that it's repeating. so the bottom line is - he's bringing negative air into your life, correct? then it's time to move him out of your life, b/c you had given him more than enough time to straighten up and bring positive air into your life.

 

so if i were you, i'd call him, explain why his behaviour is unacceptable to you, and cease all contact with him - insist he leaves you alone. then you'll be able to move on. otherwise, he'll just be back&forth again and again, and you won't feel free to go for other guys.

 

that's my take.

-yes

[befuddled11]

The guy is a loser, plain and simple. You will likely never get to the bottom of what his issues and lies are about. You'll only end up with a major migraine from beating your head against the proverbial brick wall, in an effort to "get him." A waste of time.

 

Have nothing more to do with him. Don't take his calls, delete his messages as soon as you receive them, do NOT agree to meet up with him, write him off completely. You've been far too forgiving already. All you've done is send him a message that he can let you down, over and over, and he can get away with it. To hell with him.

 

Invest your time and energy on someone who's stable and dependable.

[midlifecrisis]

There must be something really deep going on with this guy's personality. It definitely doesn't sound like he's cheating or anything like that. The key, I think, lies in what his childhood was like, and the nature of these "setbacks" that you referred to.

 

If he needs to work on deep issues, my guess is that it is a process that needs to occur *before* he'll be successful in a relationship. Unless you are in to watching and waiting... I'd move on.

 

Giving that advice isn't easy for me -- but I really believe in it. I was that person who needed to deal with issues. I know now that trying to date during the period when I was working on things ended up to be very unproductive, and in one case, hurtful to the person who wanted more from me.

[qbert]

Hi Moonshade,

 

Having been on both the giving and receiving end of behaviour like Dan's, I think I can help...

 

I think what it boils down to is fear - Dan is afraid of being hurt by you.

 

I went through a two year period where, for various reasons, several new and long-time friends decided to end their friendship with me. During this time I also went through a couple of very bad relationships, so by the end, I was quite a mess.

 

The biggest problem that I was left with from these experiences was a fear of trusting people - something I still struggle with on a daily basis. It sounds like Dan has the same fear.

 

Parents are usually easy to trust - they've always been there, and rarely say "I don't want to be your parent anymore." Friends are a little harder, but if they've been there a long time, or if you aren't that emotionally tied to them (i.e. if they're just someone to hang out with), then they may not pose much of a threat. But a romantic relationship - especially one with an intense person - the thought sends chills down my spine. To me, there's nothing scarier than giving someone your heart, and trusting them not to break it.

 

During my "two years of hell," I was approached by a few attractive, smart, sexy, wonderful women who wanted romantic relationships. And I gave each of them all the signs that I wanted a relationship too - when they said we should go out some time, I said "sure!" When they flirted, I flirted back. But when it came to actually committing to going on a date, my fear got the better of me, and I chickened out. I never went so far as to make and then break a date with any of them (they always waited for me to make the next move, and I never did), but I'm sure those women were just as confused by my behaviour as you are now by Dan's.

 

So the two relationships that I did get into during this time were with "low intensity" women - women who, for one reason or another, I felt I could trust and that wouldn't hurt me. But one of the relationships turned into what you're describing with "Dan," with me on the receiving end. It hurt like hell, but it also helped me to see that I had done the same thing to others and that I needed to stop.

 

So what to do about "Dan?" I'd say you either need to give him an ultimatum, or drop him completely and move on with your life. If you do want to try and pursue a relationship with him (i.e. if you're a glutton for punishment - there are plenty of fish in the sea, and Dan needs to work out his issues before he'll have a successful relationship with anyone), then I'd say something like:

 

"It seems like you want to have a relationship with me, but that you're afraid to. So now it's time to decide - are you going to let your fear end our relationship, or are we going on a date next Saturday?" If you do take this approach, let Dan know that it's one strike and he's out - no more excuses.

 

If you do decide to cut your losses, you'll probably be much better off in the long run. And, if you're like me, you'll look back at your experience with Dan and say "what the hell was I thinking?" Regardless of his reasons, you deserve much better than the way he's treating you, and there are plenty of other men out there who would treat you with respect, consideration and love.

 

Best of luck in whatever you decide!